First Blood: Vendetta by Gary Patrick Lukas (hickslv426) - Action, Adventure - In his fifth action packed installment,  Rambo finally goes home, only to find his father isn't the only one glad to see him back, but for different reasons of course. 137 pages
- pdf, format

Hi Gary. I'm not too sure why people write these kind of things? Is it a kind of excercise, or do you think it will be produced?

The only work I could find to compare it with is Cameron's First Blood p2.

I'm hit by issues immediately I open yours up. It lacks a tightness that needs to be there, and there seems to be a lot of vacant stuff going on. I'm not convinced Rambo would say:

     RAMBO
Yeah... I’ll just have the eggs on
a bagel with a large coffee please.

Normally Rambo's really monosyllabic, and this gives his character edge.

     ELDERLY MAN
(Shocked)
John? Is that really you?
     RAMBO
(happiness)
Dad!

... please.

By p.10, I should have good motivation to keep on reading, and I'm looking at story set up. In this piece, you've got Rambo home, and some reminiscence has gone on -- but there's no real clue as to where the story is going.

I don't believe you have captured Rambo very well - it feels like a completely different person (I'm thinking Steve Carell, but that's cruel).

I think this needs a heavy re-write - we need a reason to be interested before the end of the first act. Also heavily over-written.

Sorry - it didn't do it for me.

I opened this out of curiosity, as I have always been fond of this character.  I could see why somebody would want to write something new for Rambo -- even for fun.

Unfortunately, I encountered some of the same issues as SiC above me.

Quoted from Opening ...it's a police car for Navajo county...accompanying Rambo as he is walking by the side of the road. Rambo is getting nervous.

And you lost me right there, on page one.  "Nervous" is a word that should never appear alongside any description of Rambo.

He can be "tense" or "angry" or maybe he doesn't even care at all.  Anything but nervous.

Scrolling ahead for some later looks, I do see that this author seems to get the weapons right, so he does know his stuff there.  So there is something for the positive column -- even if the author does not seem (at least, not yet) in touch with the lead character.

I would try to forge a little deeper into this script if the author is around for feedback.  I mean, I do dig me some Rambo, so I would give you 30 pages or so to try and hook me into the story and go from there.

So..

The scene in where Rambo crosses the bridge and is spotted by Deputy Weaver. I think (as the others do) "nervous" is the wrong word to use. I know it's a call back to the first film, but seeing how this is a fan script...it's just a scene from a previous film with a different character. But there are bigger issues at stake.

As with the majority of fan scripts, the writers choose not to follow spec guidelines. They also choose to re-imagine or retcon the characters. Don't ask me why, I haven't got the faintest idea why. At the end of the last Rambo movie the character actually goes home.

As far as this piece goes:

Camera angles. Yep, we got them.
Telling me instead of showing me.

Quoted Text It's Rambo's natural instinct to be on his guard at all times; it's drilled into him to be cautious

Darn skippy. Got that.

Telling me where the 'credits' go.

Giving me a logline on the title page

AND wasting money by WGA registering something they can't sell!
Hey, I need $20 dollars. If you're gonna give away your cash, I'll get a safe deposit box.

In other words, making a ton of novice errors.

Moving on...
* Does John Rambo not even bother to call ahead or mail a letter? The exchange between him and his elderly father when they reunite are far-fetched to say the least.

Quoted Text ROWTAG (defiant) You were a POW for 6 months in that hellhole before you escaped. It was a miracle that you got out!

It's actually seven.

Quoted Text ERIC GALT is in his early forties with prematurely thinning red hair. He is about 5 foot 10 and of stocky muscular build. He is a retired special forces veteran who has become something of an entrepreneur when he started his own private contract security firm, STILLWATER SECURITY CONTRACTORS(SSC). Now he has a multi-million dollar business with plenty of under the table contract work for the government to fill his pockets. Especially taking care of the illegal immigration problems that Arizona has been plagued with. Life has been good for Mr. Galt, but it's about to get a lot better.

Blah Blah Blah. Wouldn't you love to see that?

When Rotag gets into a recap of the events in First Blood and Rambo cries like a little girl, I stopped reading.

Here's your mission, should you choose to accept it. Take out any/all references to the films and/or novel (aside from Arizona and Native American heritage, that's fine) Rename the two main characters and have the son return from Iraq or Afghanistan.


Drop the things we can't see, get rid of the angles, use good/better formatting.

Don't bitch at me. Do it.

"Well, that won't make it a Rambo script"
That's right. And it isn't Walking Tall either.  But NOW it is YOURS.

Hello,

Yeah, this is my first script like you all have probably guessed. I know... I know!

This was just a fun project I attempted and completed, nothing serious, so I'm just proud to have finished it.

I didn't mean to upset anyone by trying my hand at using such an iconic character, but I seem to have already. Oh well, life goes on!

I'm just looking for some constructive criticism, but I need someone to invest a little energy in reading the whole script first before being so quick off the mark with the negative comments but that's the way of the world. I know it's not perfect, not by a long shot, but it's a start. I was only starting to find my feet from about half-way through the script in any case.

Bert made a good point with the 'nervous' remark at the start of the script, so I could have used 'on edge' instead. I guess the Rambo character has veered away from David Morrell's original character so much that basically he's become a comic book character; and comic characters don't get nervous.

Incidentally, saying that the Rambo character is always "monosyllabic", kind of demeans the character. If you watch First Blood again, you'll find Mr. Rambo all happy and talkative at the start of the movie; Just like he is at the start of this script. Remember he is happy and (how would I say it?) er... nervous? Yes, I'm going say nervous, because Rambo hasn't seen his father for over 30 years and isn't sure what sort of welcome he'll receive.

Plus, having Rambo have breakfast is just a subtle reminder for what went wrong with Rambo in the first movie, he didn't get something to eat.

Then, having the Rambo character be overly emotional and cry in the script would be a fatal flaw on my part, but didn't he sob big time at the end of the first movie?

Much to Mr. Seeley's chagrin, I won't be rewriting this script. I've already moved on to my next fan script for another famous action film from the 80s. Why? Because it amuses me immensely!

Bert- Why do people on this forum always make fun of author's when they register their work on WGA? Everyone has to start someplace! Some people just can't help themselves eh?

At least Bert liked the fact that I got all the weapons correct or something. So I'll take that one positive and build on it.

Many thanks for you time and energy and so I'll leave you with a quote that has been a corner stone in my creative process...

"You can only be as good as you dare to be bad" - John Barrymore.

Bye

Hey Gary.  Welcome to the boards.

Quoted from Hickslv426 I didn't mean to upset anyone by trying my hand at using such an iconic character...

I do not think anybody was upset.  That odd grumbling sound you hear is called "feedback" -- but oftentimes, when it is not totally positive, it can certainly sound as if people are upset.

Quoted from Hickslv426 I'm just looking for some constructive criticism...

I will wade a bit further in over the next few days, but honestly, I cannot promise to read the whole thing unless you really knock my socks off here.  For starters, 137 pages is a lot longer than this should be, but there is also this:

Quoted from Hickslv426 I won't be rewriting this script.

So, I mean, some big analysis of the story is kind of beyond the scope anyway, you know?

Quoted from Hickslv426 I've already moved on to my next fan script for another famous action film from the 80s. Why? Because it amuses me immensely!

Which is totally cool.  I agree that anybody who writes without putting that last sentence into play is kind of missing the whole point.

Quoted from Hickslv426 Bert- Why do people on this forum always make fun of author's when they register their work on WGA?

You are missing the point on that one.  Nobody is making fun at all.

What they are saying is that WGA registration is wasted dollars if you do not even own the character.  You cannot make a dime off the script -- and you are tossing money away -- and WGA is only too happy to take it without correcting you.

Save those dollars for your original stuff when you are ready to move on to that.

Quoted from Hickslv426 At least Bert liked the fact that I got all the weapons correct or something.

I am no expert, but those parts rang true and sounded a bit researched, at the very least. That is an aspect that is not to be undervalued.

I respected that, so will give this a few more pages over the next couple of days and give you some honest thoughts.

Thank you Bert for your quick response.

I thought someone was telling me I was wasting my $20 on a WGA registration because my script was so bad. I didn't know that I can't make a dime off it. So now I know! Thanks for letting me in on that piece of information. It's not that Sylvester Stallone is going to steal this from under my nose anyway lol!

The first 30 or so pages were the first pages I had ever written and it probably shows. I think I found some kind of form later on. I did do a lot of research with the geography and weaponry. Everything is authentic, even the Navajo burial scene.

This was just a fun experiment and it got me interested in writing and now I know that I can start something and finish it. I am currently working on several projects at the moment and I feel I have learned a lot in the last year or so.

The Rambo character does become more Rambo-like about a third into the script and I wanted the script to feel more like an 80s style retro action movie with over the top action scenes and to have that Americana feel.

When someone finally does get to the end of the script - they'll be a little shocked.

Anyway, time to go.

Thank you Bert for explaining things to me!

Gary

Hey Gary.  I read a bit further into this, and have some thoughts for you, many of them very general in nature. This is not bad for a first effort -- and refreshingly free of page after page of typos (kudos) -- but I do tend to focus on the areas for improvement.

A few things to know right off the bat, in terms of a spec script. Rules can be bent here and there, but here is a short laundry list of some things that are generally accepted: naming specific songs is frowned upon, placing (or pausing) the credit sequence is not necessary, camera angles (b.g. and f.g., as you have used here) are not really our job as the storyteller. Same for CU. Same for POV. This script is littered with 'em. You are treading on the Director's territory with such things. These things do exist in scriptwriting, but not in that first script, which is just you telling your story.

Also, exclamation points can appear kind of silly if used in the wrong context! You use too many! About the only time you will ever use one in a script is when a character is shouting!

Here is another twist -- the dreaded "unfilmable" -- in which you relay information to the reader that cannot be conveyed on the screen to a viewer.

Quoted from Script It's Rambo's natural instinct to be on his guard at all times; it's drilled into him to be cautious.

While everyone agrees this sort of thing can be overdone, virtually nobody agrees where the line should be drawn. Some will tell you never. It is a decision everyone needs to make for themselves. For your main character, a few lines of background for the reader, and ultimately the actor, is probably acceptable. But these sorts of asides are to be used very sparingly, if at all.

Here is an example of one that is clearly inappropriate:

Quoted from Script The man is also reeking of alcohol.

See how a line like that does not belong in a script?  You should examine every instance of unfilmables in your script and decide if they are justified.  More often than not, if you examine them harshly (as most of your readers will do), you will find they should be removed.

When we reach the helicopter attack, your action is well-written, and well-paced, but it would read better if you focused less on the camera angles and more on the action itself. It distracts so much from the flow. The rock-throwing was a little silly, to me. It would be nice to give Rambo something a little more dignified than that.

And the killing of Kelly was totally out of character and unjustifiable, despite the unfilmable aside that accompanies it.

It was at that point that I skipped ahead to the end -- and given your previous post -- I found what I suspected I might find. A bold choice, and though it is your choice to make, I fear that it kind of dooms this script as a whole. And where you close this script -- your final shot -- the image that will linger with the viewer...well, too dark for me and I am just not feeling it.

Another troubling aspect of your conclusion is the character of Teasle.  Who is this guy, and what the heck happened to Galt?  Now, granted, I did skip ahead a bit, but I spent about 50 pages with Galt, and 0 with Teasle, so I can tell you simply by instinct that there is something fundamentally wrong with the arc of this story.

While this is not a bad effort by any means, it does display many of the hallmarks of an early effort. Work on shortening your dialogue, for sure --- less is nearly always more -- and focus on telling your story clean, without the clutter of camera angles and unnecessary sentences. A script is just as much about the white space on the page as it is about the black space.  Particularly an action script; it should have a momentum and a "vertical" flow where the pages speed by and are not bogged down by too much verbiage.

I hope some of this helps you out on your subsequent efforts.  Let me know if anything is unclear.

Quoted from bert When we reach the helicopter attack, your action is well-written, and well-paced, but it would read better if you focused less on the camera angles and more on the action itself. It distracts so much from the flow. The rock-throwing was a little silly, to me. It would be nice to give Rambo something a little more dignified than that. Another troubling aspect of your conclusion is the character of Teasle.  Who is this guy, and what the heck happened to Galt?  Now, granted, I did skip ahead a bit, but I spent about 50 pages with Galt, and 0 with Teasle, so I can tell you simply by instinct that there is something fundamentally wrong with the arc of this story.

Teasle was the sheriff from the first film. He was last seen in the film being taken to the hospital. However, it should be pointed out that there was another character also named Galt who dies due to Rambo throwing a rock at a helicopter.

Hi Guys,

Thank you for the feedback. There is a lot of good stuff here from you I can use to re-edit this script and to move forward with the other stuff I'm attempting to write.

Some people will be lost with 'the arc of the story' if they haven't seen the first movie or if the haven't seen it in a long while. That is why I named this script 'First Blood: Vendetta" because it's more of a sequel to the very first movie. Maybe I should have spelled it out more but I wanted it to surprise the audience - well that was my desired effect at least.

Bert, you're correct with the exclamations, I do over use them. That is something I have to reign in. Some of the other stuff rings true as well now that I've taken a step back to assess my work.

Thanks guys!

Gary