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4 Letters and a Tale by Dan Mimis - Action, Adventure, Scaredy - After opening the wrong letters, eight strangers end up in a deadly maze where they struggle to find their only way out -- the right letter. 110 pages - pdf, format
I made it to page 16 and then I had to stop because nothing made sense.
This is an example of things making sense in the writer's mind, but unfortunately they didn't convey enough information to the reader to bring them along for the ride.
Add that to the 20 characters introduced by page 12 and you have a perfect recipe for confusion.
Sure, Jordan, I'd like to hear your input. Things will make perfect sense not in the very beginning but, like in all good movies, will gloriously add up later on.
As for the (number of) characters: this is about 8 people challenged in a very sophisticated life and death game; 4 con artists/criminals and a mastermind are also needed in the economy of the game, and some secondary characters (like two cops trying to solve the crime) ...
There are many great movies with an ensemble cast (http://www.imdb.com/list/v_d5zU69iJU/ ) and the latest box office, "Hunger Games: Catching Fire," has 3 times more characters than my script.
Logline. Your logline states that this is a story about 8 strangers, yet I don't meet the strangers until after I've been introduced to, MIDGET, OFFICER, CAPTAIN MORRISON, RED HAIR, HARD HAT, BRUNETTE, BLONDE, VLAD, BLUE SKULL, and the chauffeur. By this time I'm wondering who is who and what they have to do with anything.
Pg. 2 The dialogue makes this sound like a comedy more than an action/adventure. "Captain Morgan", "David", "Iliad".
Pg. 3 You don't give ages to anyone. You say that the Blonde and Brunette are women but you don't say that Red Hair and Hard Hat are men. Why not? That's confusing. I'm sure you know exactly what Red Hair looks like in your head, but the way you wrote it, I was picturing Connie Nielsen from Devil's Advocate.
Pg. 4 The dialogue about Blue Skull is on-the-nose.
Pg. 6 Why is Blue Skull being taken to a police station for a mental evaluation? Why wouldn't they do that at the prison he's in? Why a police station? Why not a hospital? You're just making a reason to get Blue Skull out of the prison and it doesn't make sense.
Pg. 6 How does a green bus with tires like a demolition truck drive aimlessly on a roof without destroying the building? You really need to work on the description of the bus too. The way you have it written now, it reads as though there's a real elephant, who's bored, painted like a cow from a defunct computer brand, wearing dark sunglasses and has silver arms. Confusing.
Pg. 7 So these 8 people get some junk mail stating that they get a 44% discount on a car, they get into a strange limo with strange people, and nobody questions the validity of it all? Unbelievable. You need to explain the 44% discount more.
Pg. 9 The limo picks everyone up at a subway stop in New York City, and then suddenly it's making a left turn into the Rocky River Forest. I'm no geography expert but I'm pretty sure there aren't any forests in New York City.
Pg. 9 Bran, Transylvania doesn't exist. Bran, Romania does. You wouldn't say "Florence, Tuscany" would you? No. You'd say "Florence, Italy."
Pg. 10 What does "a strange kind of Satanic music" sound like? Does it sound like the Osmonds? How about the Carpenters? That's what I imagine strange Satanic music sounds like.
Pg 10 Maria goes over to the wall of signs and signs the signs that are shaped like brains. Confusing.
Pg. 12 Diana and Bill just met approximately 30 minutes ago and he already has his hands down her pants and she's okay with it until she has to get out of the limo? What? Confusing.
Pg. 12 I'm really glad you pointed out that Andy has a signature line. I was sooooooo hoping that he did. And it's so catchy too.
Pg. 12 Why does anyone introduce a character as being "in his forties"? Just say "OWNER, 45", that's all any reader needs.
Pg. 12 The Owner's big introduction is a little more than Mr. Miyagi says to Daniel when he gives him a car. "Choose". I need more. I'm doing my best to suspend disbelief right now, but I can only suspend it for so long.
Pg. 12 Everyone gets lost in a parking lot? How big are these cars? Is everyone a little person and you forgot to mention that detail? I'm over 6 feet tall. I can see over most cars. Unbelievable.
Pg. 13-16 Horrible dialogue, ridiculous dogs, and nonsense. That's it. I can no longer suspend this disbelief. It's too heavy. I have to set my disbelief down. It's hurting my brain.
I got to page 4. I did laugh once, but that was only at the mention of a midget in a clown costume. I dare anyone, aside from a depressed midget in a clown costume, not to find that funny.
What took me out of the script is the blatant OTN dialogue.
I found the initial scene with the police station burning enough to hold my interest though. I don't agree on the characters thing. It isn't really a concern. Readers find it more difficult than viewers to hold information in their minds. I don't think you have too many characters.
In regards to 1 million dollars in 3 months on casino's and hookers (even though I didn't get that far), I can easily see that happen. People can lose that in one night.
Well, as mentioned on my blog http://www.dan.mimis.com, “Paraphrasing Poe's "a dream within a dream", this script is a puzzle within a puzzle.” So I spill the pieces of the puzzle first and then I put them together to reveal (A) the perfect story, (B) the smartest puzzle script ever and (C) the most intelligent/sophisticated/tense life-and-death game challenge (the crocodile scene and its twist are unmatched) in movie history.
Only to notice that the commenters here shyly opened the box, had a glimpse at the puzzle pieces and run away. Yup, it’s not a character driven movie in which a married dude meets a hot chick and his pregnant wife will see them kissing in some hotel’s parking lot.
There are plenty of infantile comments here (I’ll only mention very few, since only very few of my script pages were eyed):
Nomad: “Logline. Your logline states that this is a story about 8 strangers, yet I don't meet the strangers until after I've been introduced to, MIDGET, OFFICER, CAPTAIN MORRISON, RED HAIR, HARD HAT, BRUNETTE, BLONDE, VLAD, BLUE SKULL, and the chauffeur. By this time I'm wondering who is who and what they have to do with anything.”
Well, Pulp Fiction (Metascore: 94/100), starts with the dinner bandits (and then continues with a dissertation –between 2 mob hit men -- about fast food in Amsterdam). Interestingly enough, the very first scene (with the dinner bandits) will make sense only at the end of the movie, AND NOT, as Nomad requires, in the first 16 pages, so he’d have given up on this masterpiece since it’s so painful for him to be “wondering who is who and what they have to do with anything.”
What got levy incensed: “One million in 3 months with "casinos and exotic dancers"? What's this guy doing, laying $200,000 bets and F**king $50,000 a night hookers?”
One million or more can be lost in one pot at the poker table and it happened (documented) countless times. Fortunes change hands every night in casinos. How long ago did you land on this planet (it can’t be more than one week … )?
And my very few end here, since I have no more time to waste on worthless so-called-inputs. Happy Holidays!
As a point of etiquette, the proper response to feedback -- even if you vehemently disagree -- is "thank you for looking at my script."
Most of those who read as far as they did told you where they stopped, and why you "lost" them. That is actually valuable feedback -- the sort you hate to hear is often the most valuable -- and you received it for free.
Lashing out at reviewers always comes off as unseemly, even when carefully composed, as you have done here.
Just saying. Happy holidays, and welcome to the boards.
I feel a little bad that you felt my input was worthless. If you took the time to do a rewrite then I may be better able to see your story.
I can get past a little bit of OTN dialogue, but yours is too heavy.
You may believe right now that your script is the greatest thing ever, but nobody will get to read it all the way through with how badly it is written right now. Not that you are a bad writer, there's just a learning curve you have to go through to write well for the screen. Once you've mastered that, then we can get to your story.
Dustin: I didn't call your comments worthless, note that I only mentioned Nomad and levy in my response. About that OTN: it's not easy to define/name the characters when there are plenty of them (like in a movie with an ensemble cast) and apparently I didn't do a good job trying to quickly get rid of that task and start the story ...
Hey Dan - what you're getting is feedback - it's opinion; it's not evidence in a court of law. I don't think I've ever come across a feature that's 100% perfect from its first draft. No doubt you, like most writers, are going to have to re-write some of your stuff.
Plus what you got here is pretty obscure -- no harm in giving an explanation on the boards so that people can see what you're doing - especially with something like this which is going to throw people off. Elephants & buses and the like....
James Bond: I agree. Anyway the bus and the elephant have their role in 2 (excellent and funny, I'd hope) twists.
Before posting on simplyscripts I've been criticized mainly for the Reverend, by people who knew that I'm an atheist and just figured that I had to be nasty and bring a Rev. Dick in the story; it's just that them people read it to THE END ..
Okay - I'm going to go and make this my Christmas read - some of what you've said has intrigued me a little - I just hope that you get positive with some of the feedback - I really don't think you can make a script better on your own
007: thanks for the good news. Try and enjoy it and hate me later. It's quite dense, but everything -- from midget to elephant to Rev. -- makes sense and will perfectly add up (even though not necessarily in the very next scene or within the next 16 pages).
And yes, I can take any decent feedback (but not something like, 'what's the midget doing in the first scene when he's not mentioned in the logline?')
Athol, sorry,no . I agree with encouraging people, I'm all for that, but that's some shocking advice.
Negative shit is deserved when someone takes the time to read something, write about their concerns regarding the script only to be rewarded with the writer responding in a negative fashion. Jordan expressed his view, the writer asked for more, Jordan gave him notes, the writer responded like an amatuer.
They expect to be praised to high heaven? Signed by a massive producer just because they sent a screenplay in? "Oh my, we've all been waiting for so and so to write this and place it on SimplyScripts, what have I been doing all my life? Forget all these paid screenwriters I can bank on, I'll hire this guy who has no credentials whatsoever and just give him a shot".
Yup, maybe that does happen. But not often.
I think this counts.
I read a bit of this. Intrigue needs to play a bigger part. You can't just expect people to gaze in wonderment at whatever this amazing pay off is at the end. You have to get them to the end first. Building a puzzle is one thing. Making it an enjoyable experience through visual means is another.
I've read bits, but enough to know this is just not good enough to endure a complete read. It's way too sporadic and vague when it needs to be clear and basic for my liking.
I also can't get a grasp on any of these multiple characters. They pop in and out. Not a problem done well. But here... just too juvenile. Dialogue is extremely bad. I'm sorry, it's just cringeworthy in places. Some of the action sequences are just plain awful. The scenes introducing the dogs in the car park are horrendous. Just ridiculous. I tried to get to know what you were going for here, and to an extent I did, but it just turns to mush. Really, it does. That whole scene is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read in my life. People are mauled to death, and live? These hellhounds come out of shadows in the dark, disappear and then everyone is like "Let's have a beer?". WTF? That's nothing to do with you being misunderstood as a genius, that's awful writing. Worse than that, it's just brainless lazy writing. You can't be bothered to fix it up.
Everyone one of these characters sound so alike I can't differentiate any of them. I would call that a problem. Especially with such a huge cast. You might want to be a bit more diverse. Check out your dialogue. Spell check the word panties. You make light of harsh violent acts such as rape. It's just ridiculous. You can't be serious with some of this stuff. It's just not funny, not entertaining, makes no sense, has no style that I can tell and it's just written as you go along.
You may have planned the greatest puzzle in history but you have hidden it in a mire of shit that many people will not wade through, me being one of them.
Now, look, I wrote something in a very similar style when I first started and it's on this site. The style is very similar, it's fairly unmistakable, so I feel I know what you're going through. Don't give up or feel like you're being rejected. You must be aware you're not gonna just cruise into Hollywood with one write, right? So take some criticism , suck it up, analyze it, and see if it helps.
If not, yeah, fuck us. If you agree, great. None of us here are gonna be over your shoulder when you pump out the next draft. It's free advice. Take it or leave it. It's your baby, not ours.
You have the basics down. You can write, you've got an idea. It works in your head. You just need to clean it up. Really clean up some parts. Cut loads out. Work on some characters, differentiate them more, they all sound the same, give them their own voice, something that might actually change the story or make us root for a certain character. Right now, they all sound like morons.
The whole violence, rape -thing, comedy, spoof type humour... very odd and offball. There's nothing I can place this in. I'm sure you think that makes it original, but I think you run the risk of screaming amatuer. It flies too much left to right, budget for this would be astronomical and the audience to see this would be... ?
Don't give up on the idea, just maybe let a few thoughts sink in.
What got levy incensed: ďżżOne million in 3 months with "casinos and exotic dancers"? What's this guy doing, laying $200,000 bets and F**king $50,000 a night hookers?ďżż
One million or more can be lost in one pot at the poker table and it happened (documented) countless times. Fortunes change hands every night in casinos.
Ok, but he's too direct about it. On the nose, as some would put it... much like a lot of the dialogue... and I see other people have a problem with that aspect as well.
Yup, right, EVERYTHING IS WRONG, or almost everything, to make it more credible, since total wrong won’t even rhyme with the absolute speed of light (both bull-sheet concepts). I honestly can’t remember how I recently found this forum: I don’t care about my script for the past 6 years or so.
I’m an engineer and my first language is not English, since I’m from Europe. I CAN write, since I’m highly intelligent, well-educated and read, BUT a script has to be written IN FORMAT, so it took me some 10 books to read (plus a ton of articles online) to learn by myself how to do it, back some 10 years ago.
So this is how it happened: one day at my morning coffee I read about some dude that got $1,000,000 for writing a script promoting a Dodge car in some obscure movie (if I recall correctly the brand ..) So I instantly thought of writing a script promoting the smartest logo (which also happens to be the most intelly lucky charm of the 21st century) for Ford. (you can see the smartest lucky charm in history at http://www.4moola.com/ ; the one for Ford is in the script)
The story, with the Ford logo being at the center of my script, came up pretty soon in my mind, it’s just that my first draft was a mess. I was told to effin’ name the main characters in the first few pages so there’s how I came up with the Limo scene.
(Most of) the dialog lines are intentionally goofy, since there are a ton of immigrants (from Asia, Europe, South America, people for whom English is not their first language) barking in my script.
Except for the hard work, I had some fun writing that damn script ..
Beware: (1) it's a quite complex story, while also a perfect one; (2) I'm no professional screenwriter and I don't intend to become one. Scriptwriting is HARD work and I'm into doing things the SMART way. Writing this script was an exhausting experiment; (3) Even (some) people that loved my perfect story hated me for the Rev. Dick and/or the rape joke: I'm not gonna remove them
...some dude that got $1,000,000 for writing a script promoting a Dodge car in some obscure movie
I'm not too sure this was a movie -- I'm pretty sure there's no $1m scripts that promote Dodge cars.
What you may be referring to is Paul Harvey's 'So God Made A Farmer' speech, which cost Dodge a million after it was integrated into an advert, and they promised $100k for each 1m YouTube hits up to $1m.
Congratulations on completing a screenplay. Good or bad, I think it is an accomplishment that you should be proud of. Personally, my screenplay - Company Town- stinks and needs a ton of work but I am proud to have at least gotten that far.
I am not qualified to review this script because fantasy movies (is this sci-fi or animation?) are not my cup of tea, but I'll comment nonetheless. I've never even seen Jumnanji or Jurassic Park which I assume is the same genre as this script.
I don't understand why reviewers stop after 20 - 25 pages even if they think it is a bad script. If I'm going to review a screenplay, I'm going to read the whole thing. Most amateur scripts can cut the first 10 - 15 pages. But the next 80 pages may be good. I understand time is valuable for everyone, but I personally feel that an entire script should be read before commenting.
As your logline indicates, the script is about eight people trying to survive a deadly game. That being said, I was completely and utterly confused by the police's role in the story. By the way, "Jim" and "Jay" and "Kevin" are absolutely horrible, non-descriptive names to use in a screenplay. I am sure you can have fun coming up with more unique names to fit their personalities. Was Jay in Australia or NYC? Where did Kevin come from? I was equally confused by the diamond heist storyline and its characters and what they had to do with the deadly game. I am also confused as to what the Reverend storyline had to do with anything. Again, I am used to drama, not fantasy, movies. If the intent was to tell three random stories (deadly game, diamond heist and Reverend) that intersect at the climax of the movie, then I understand.
It seems that every conversation, whether it is between the robbers or between the policemen, is laden with negative banter. Similarly, I wondered why the characters are so mean to each other at the beginning and throughout the script: insulting, degrading, racist. Every telephone call starts with one person asking what language the other speaks.
The entire feel of the movie is mean spirited. The banter is not humorous or engaging. It's nasty. I didn't feel like rooting for any of the characters. There is no one who is likable.
Why were people Brazilian, Portuguese, Australian, Chinese, French?
Why does Bill blush so much?
Every time the characters got close to being killed by a creature, another creature enters the scene and the characters are saved when the creatures fight each other. I don't know exactly how many times this happens but more than once is one too many.
I did not think the clues revolving around the number four was very thought provoking.
Again, I am not an expert in fantasy movies but it seems that a writer need not worry about plot points when one can simply insert a random thing or event at any given time.
How did a bag of fake diamonds get in the trunk of the Ford?
On a positive note, I think the premise of a screenplay coverage provider using other screenwriters' parts of their scripts as a basis for a movie is a good idea, but not in this instance.
I don't understand why reviewers stop after 20 - 25 pages even if they think it is a bad script. If I'm going to review a screenplay, I'm going to read the whole thing.
Say that after you've read a few hundred of 'em.
Truth is, if the first 20 pages are bad, the last 90 pages tend to be also.
If I'm watching a bad movie, and don't like it, I change the channel and find something I do want to watch.
Same goes with reading. I'm not going to chore through something I don't like just to say I did.
I'm gonna go find something I do want to read all the way through.
Ouch, you have so many questions that I (still partying after xmas) can only try to answer some of them:
1. “As your logline indicates, the script is about eight people trying to survive a deadly game. That being said, I was completely and utterly confused by the police's role in the story.” -- WHY, since in 99% of the stories where a crime is committed police get involved?!;
2. “I was equally confused by the diamond heist storyline and its characters and what they had to do with the deadly game.” – Well, that’s WHY the screenwriters were framed, so the con artists could get away with the heist. This will also answer your other question, “How did a bag of fake diamonds get in the trunk of the Ford?” – obviously it was Vlad/The Owner planting it there …;
3. “If the intent was to tell three random stories (deadly game, diamond heist and Reverend) that intersect at the climax of the movie, then I understand.” – we’re talking intersecting stories here, it’s just that for a one-line (as it’s mostly required) logline I believed that the *wrong letters* vs. the *right letter* (pun intended) is the smartest I can come up with;
4. “Every telephone call starts with one person asking what language the other speaks.” – that was just supposed to be innocently funny, no “insulting, degrading, racist” intention there;
5. “Why were people Brazilian, Portuguese, Australian, Chinese, French?” – Umm, and WHY would THAT be a problem?!;
6. “Why does Bill blush so much?” – Huh? Why don’t you ask him 
7. “Every time the characters got close to being killed by a creature, another creature enters the scene and the characters are saved” – That’s exactly what did NOT happen in my script, where 3 characters were killed by .. “creatures”
8. “I did not think the clues revolving around the number four was very thought provoking.” – That was the reason I wrote this script, to promote the smartest logo ever for a green car (4D/Ford) so I made the story to revolve around number 4 ..
Thanks for taking the time to hit me back with a review.
Beware: (1) it's a quite complex story, while also a perfect one; (2) I'm no professional screenwriter and I don't intend to become one. Scriptwriting is HARD work and I'm into doing things the SMART way. Writing this script was an exhausting experiment; (3) Even (some) people that loved my perfect story hated me for the Rev. Dick and/or the rape joke: I'm not gonna remove them
It's quite obvious from your script that you aren't a professional screenwriter. I don't understand this statement:
I'm no professional screenwriter and I don't intend to become one. Scriptwriting is HARD work and I'm into doing things the SMART way.
Then why are you here? You think because you come up with the idea of centring a story around the ford logo that this is enough to make a million? You call it a perfect story when you don't really have the qualification to make such a judgement. That should come from people that know what they're talking about.
Family members and friends, don't. Unless they're in the business too. If they're not, then they will lie to you, happily massage your ego. Strangers will do the opposite.
Once you give people a reason to dislike your work they will look for reasons not to like it even more. It's quite easy to rip apart people's stories, even decent ones, if one puts their mind to it. Negatives seem to promote more negatives. Human psychology is so pliable.
Your work is not terrible, you just have a lot to learn before anyone could read your story. You need to understand what you're up against. There are a lot of great writers around, writers that have taken the time to perfect the craft. You don't really have much of a chance if you don't believe you need to put in the hard work. Writing a feature isn't hard. If you believe it is then you're in the wrong game. Best thing to do is convince a capable screenwriter how great your story is and hope they want to co-write it with you. Which is also highly doubtful. There are a million great ideas out there. I've got over 30 of them pinned to my storyboard right now.
I understand what you're saying, but, for me, this script is just a lottery ticket, I'm really NOT looking for a career in H'wood. Because I'm creative I try my luck in different fields (just a few can be seen at http://www.danmimis.com/) and I feel most comfy in anything based on math and science.
Anyway, I said that the story is perfect (which it is. No script I've read, or movies I've seen come close to 4 Letters from a logical standpoint), NOT that the script is perfectly written. Sometimes a short novel (for which I should have gone; too late now) would hit it big. I see my effort as the best (most intelligent ever) car brand promotion in the marriage of movies and car industry. And it makes perfect sense nowadays when the "Go Green" initiative is all over the place. Too bad I have no connections and nobody (at least from Ford Motor Co., not necessarily from H'wood) would want to talk to "Dan from nowhere" ..
Yup, I know. I'm pretty good at math, since I graduated a quite tough University in Europe (Electronics and Telecommunications). I also realized, since I'm in this land of no hope called US, that one stands a by far better chance winning the lottery than cashing on something intelligent. I'm an example: I hit the Jackpot (although not an outrageous one) while my Intellectual Properties will NEVER pay out in this land worshiping biebers and kartrashians ...
(1) well, nope, I NEVER said I wrote "the perfect script" (au contraire, excuse my French, I had the decency to mention that I'm not some professional screenwriter), but the perfect STORY; (2) I NEVER studied (like in some University) in US. All my 18 years of school are in Europe. I learned by myself how to write a script in format, I NEVER used one red penny from the US tax-payers to go to some college to learn scriptwriting; (3) I don't specifically accuse US of anything, since my (failed) attempts to cash in on my intellectual properties are global. But I gladly pee on some retarded piece of rock (planet earth) worshiping snooki ...
Well, if u're trying to be friendly I might even teach you French (or some other evolved Latin language, as quite opposed to the barbaric/primitive English language; now ain't I some sweetie?). BTW, I'm Dan. Buy me some Pinot Noir, some devastatingly hot oriental chick and I might share some wisdom with ya ...
Chill the f*** out here, now s*** is getting into politics and that's not what this place is for.
My suggestion is,
Stop bombarding newbies with so much negative "get out of here" BOLLOCKS.
Constructive criticism is good, but there's more than one way to skin a cat, get the good points over and say the bad, without saying " go die in hell"
It's Christmas for f*** sake, take a chill pill, relax, we're all Jock Tamson's bairns.
I clean my tires with Pinot Noir while whistling "piss on the Euro"
As far as wisdom goes, my mother Thung dun Nygne, was abducted by a European man and was later released.
The reason he released her is because she wouldn’t stop laughing hysterically at his ridicules accent while he tried to convince her of what a good writer he was.
Dan,
If you want, I’ll read your script and send you notes.
Chill the f*** out here, now s*** is getting into politics and that's not what this place is for.
My suggestion is,
Stop bombarding newbies with so much negative "get out of here" BOLLOCKS.
Constructive criticism is good, but there's more than one way to skin a cat, get the good points over and say the bad, without saying " go die in hell"
It's Christmas for f*** sake, take a chill pill, relax, we're all Jock Tamson's bairns.
Why are you over there screaming in the corner?
Stay out of my conversations and I'll stay out of yours. it's apparent Dan has a sense of humor. Or didn't you get that?
Well, Pulp Fiction (Metascore: 94/100), starts with the dinner bandits (and then continues with a dissertation -between 2 mob hit men -- about fast food in Amsterdam). Interestingly enough, the very first scene (with the dinner bandits) will make sense only at the end of the movie, AND NOT, as Nomad requires, in the first 16 pages, so he'd have given up on this masterpiece since it's so painful for him to be "wondering who is who and what they have to do with anything."
Dan,
I really appreciate when writers like you participate on the boards. You provide all of us with a much needed spark.
You're absolutely correct about Pulp Fiction in that it starts out with great dialogue and culminates in a moment of extreme violence. Then it cuts to more great dialogue between two men who state that they, "should have shotguns for this". What is "this"? What are they doing? What's about to happen?
Your story does none of this. You start out with a midget on fire and then you cut to some cheesy pseudo-humorous dialogue about rum. Do you see the difference?
I don't require that the entire story makes sense in the first 16 pages. I just require good writing in the first 16 pages, and you haven't provided that. I appreciate that you agree with me on this as evidenced by your comment,
...I said that the story is perfect (which it is. No script I've read, or movies I've seen come close to 4 Letters from a logical standpoint), NOT that the script is perfectly written.
It takes a confident person to admit that their writing is imperfect, and I think we all agree that your writing is by far the most imperfect masterpiece we have ever seen. I congratulate you for achieving this feat.
What country are you from? What universities did you attend? I commend you for learning English to a level where you can write in a mostly intelligent manner. You do have some misspelled words here and there but, for the most part, your intent comes across.
Of all the comments I left, I would like you to address one of them: How does everyone get lost in a parking lot? How tall are these cars? How small are these people? Why can't they just crawl under the cars if they're so big that they can't see over them?
Hi Dan - I notice you referencing some ensemble pieces. That' fine, but in each of the ensemble piece that you've noted the are always a story protagonist and antagonist - each story is driven by certain lead people. In some of the films you've noted there are multiple stories, but then there are characters that are leading each of those stories.
Some of the logic here was a bit tricky-- saying that drunks could pull of the heist, seems to imply that it's an easy job, but then it's suggested that they'd get caught, so it can't be that easy?
In the maze there seems to be a bit of confusion in setting that piece up - the group is attacked by dogs, and then told what the game is - one or two of them are already dead by the time they are informed they have to get on the red truck - I really think that an audience would question this as it doesn't seem to make sense.
On the group, and back to protags - one of the group needs to be a central character, but for the sack of the story and because this is human nature - in any group situation, one or two people would come out stronger, and in the form of a script they would dictate the story-line which we would follow.
I'm not a big fan of your introduction ond building one on p18 - it's split into two, and the detail could have been given in one go, whereas your methods forces the reader into a re-think, and interrupts the read.
Your intercut on p21 either needs Maria's location again, or is not needed, and you can just have Maria on the phone.
The characters seem to be very aggressive toward each other - continually swearing, etc. This ticks the 'conflict' box, but there appears to be little in the way of underlying reason to it. there are differentiated characters to some degree, but I don't get the feeling that we are finding out much about the characters and that the conflict is based on differing needs - that the characters goals are causing the conflict.
p56 At some of the intersections of the maze everybody bumps into everybody, but amazingly the humans make it out. The beasts, when bump into each other, fight ferociously against each other, but then remember about the humans and restart their chase.
p70 needs a time to it or it could look like a flashback.
So I'm getting past p80 or so, and the guys head back to the prison cells ... and from there? The story, the script, everything just disappears into mush. I have no idea what you're writing from hear-on, and unfortunately I have no interest.
The story runs its tale before this, in a linear fashion, but never really has any satisfying turns or twists. The pay-off for the Rev is dire. There is no clear resolution, and there is no attempt to satisfy the set-up.
"(the crocodile scene and its twist are unmatched) in movie history." -- What was the crocodile twist? Did I miss it?
Dan, this is one of the most cack-handed attempts at a script that I've seen in a long time. So you read ten books. What you didn't do was practice writing scripts; no-one can write their first feature and hope that it's any good - it takes practice, and even a little talent.
Occasionally there were some nice filmic moments - the cop car crashing into the back of the Ford to take it over the intersection, but these were few and far between, and even the example given was poorly handled.
To be honest, you should be ashamed of yourself for writing things like "[this is the] ...smartest puzzle script ever". It isn't even close.
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