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A Slave's Tale by Dustin Bowcott - Action, Adventure - A white slave, separated from his love and kidnapped by Barbary pirates must make his way back to the New World and defeat his old master. 103 pages - pdf, format
A deeply buried post? How can that be filmed? Unearth it? I'm picturing a body burned beyond all recognition. How can I also recognize it to be the body of a young black boy?
CARVER is resting his boot against the footrest of a carriage. A black slave has the reigns. I assume there are horses connected to these reigns?
Why is the Mayor pointing to grime that the slaves are already cleaning? Is he commending them for doing a fine job?
The mayor raises his arm in greeting. I pictured a Hitler salute for some reason. Impossible since its set in the 1800's.
Obediently, slave climbs out... Do you mean: A slave climbs out?
Dancing girls entertain customers that seem to have lost their will to live. Hard to film this. Specifically, how does one look that has lost their will to live? Whenever I'm around dancing girls I feel like living just wonderfully.
Page 2.
Carver orders a drink and flicks a coin across the bar? I hope the coin was to pay for his drink and this guy doesn't just throw coins randomly.
Carver nods at the doors. He nods in the direction of the doors?
Dwight lashes the reigns back and forth across his horses midriff. Horses have midriffs that you can hit with reigns? I can't picture that. Maybe he used the reigns on the horses neck.
Page 3.
The horse gets shot and falls with an 'agonized whinny'. Isn't whinny a gentle happy thing that horses playfully do?
Everything blurs as Dwight comes around. Was he knocked unconscious? You mentioned he hit his head on a rock, but if you are coming around shouldn't things go from blur to clear?
Screams as blood sprays all over Isabel. Was she screaming or was it blake screaming, or even Dwight?
Slaves take the horse and calm it down. Was the horse iritated for some reason? You mean they simply attended to the horse?
Your put a lot of detail into the race of the servents and slaves. It seems overdone at this point.
Several raps at the door as he chugs it into life. How do you chug a door into life?
Page 5.
Smythe, the English butler - is he black or white? I guess that part is not important.
Page 6.
William Forrsyth is a character name. He is also a real actor. Wouldn't it be great if William Forsyte played himself in this movie? Just a thought.
I can appreciate the amount of detail put into this script and at the same time I'm put off by the work it takes to plod through it. In other words I feel you're asking a lot from your readers. Hopefully the payoff in the end is worth the ride.
Just seems like you might want to apply the "less is more" rule. But that's just my opinion. I won't say much more until I read the entire script. On a positive note the subject matter, and it being a period piece is a bold endeavor and tough to tackle. Good luck with it.
I can appreciate the amount of detail put into this script and at the same time I'm put off by the work it takes to plod through it. In other words I feel you're asking a lot from your readers. Hopefully the payoff in the end is worth the ride.
Just seems like you might want to apply the "less is more" rule. But that's just my opinion. I won't say much more until I read the entire script. On a positive note the subject matter, and it being a period piece is a bold endeavor and tough to tackle. Good luck with it.
Thanks, this is still an early draft... but I can't do any more work on it for a week or so while I touch up another script that has gotten some interest. So I was hoping for some reads... and perhaps some direction.
If people don't know about white slavery then this will be a good script to read.... it doesn't go into anything political, just tells a story against the backdrop of white and black slavery. How it was more class related than racial... although it certainly developed into something racial later on. It also touches upon the Indians too, and how they also had slaves. Especially the Cherokee.
I did a fair amount of research into this too, but it was fun to do... and I already knew the basics from the more militant black people I've spoken to, that believe this type of information (white slavery) is deliberately repressed so that whites (not all whites, just the rich ones) can maintain dominance.
At its heart though, this is a simple 'love lost, love found again' story. The rest is just there. I don't make any judgements myself.
Thanks for listing this so quickly, Don... much appreciated.
Well, I have no idea what this is. I've never heard of a barter town before, and then the super indicates that it's, South Carolina. While I have no idea how much you know about the history of the United States, I know one thing: I ain't never heard of no barter town. And if you're not that well versed in US History of the 1800s you probably should not be writing about it. To some extent writers do have carte blanche when writing fiction and can do what they please, change things in history. But it wouldn't be wise to twist history so much that you render it unrecognizable.
"A large post, buried deep. Hanging from it by the neck, facing the post and burned beyond all recognition, the body of a young black boy."
I really have no idea how a boy could be lynched from a post. A fence post? This is so vague. And judging by the entire action line you're trying to paint a lynching of a black boy but you do not do it well. It really should all be one sentence to be honest, since its all one action line. I don't really see the reason why it's two sentences.
Why not try..... "A young black boy hangs by the neck from a (telephone pole/tree limb), burned beyond all recognition."
"Country music plays to a beat more jovial than the one presented by the dingy decor."
Country music originated in the early 20th century. Just say saloon music and cut out the rest. It's not necessary.
"Caught him stealing some eggs from a farm a couple miles out."
Really? That's hardly a reason to kill a slave. The killer would have to be a complete tool. Especially if it was the owner that did it. Was it the owner? That you state it was "a" farm suggests otherwise. And I don't get why some guy would kill some other guy's slave. That's like someone burns your car because it drove into his house all by itself.
If slaves ever stole food it was usually because the owner didn't feed them well enough. They'd get the shit whipped out of them for sure, but hardly would you kill a young slave. An old slave, I could see that. But a young one? Slaves cost money. They didn't come cheap. You wouldn't burn your car down just because it broke down on you. The logic of this is far fetched. Lynchings aren't taken as lightly as you depict them. Owners killing their own slaves, they probably needed a really good reason for it. I really can't buy the logic of this.
You say you've done some research about this, and while that may be true, it is clear to me that it hasn't been enough. I think it's best you write about what you know. I don't think you know enough about the history of the Antebellum Era to be writing about it.
Well, I have no idea what this is. I've never heard of a barter town before, and then the super indicates that it's, South Carolina. While I have no idea how much you know about the history of the United States, I know one thing: I ain't never heard of no barter town. And if you're not that well versed in US History of the 1800s you probably should not be writing about it. To some extent writers do have carte blanche when writing fiction and can do what they please, change things in history. But it wouldn't be wise to twist history so much that you render it unrecognizable.
"A large post, buried deep. Hanging from it by the neck, facing the post and burned beyond all recognition, the body of a young black boy."
I really have no idea how a boy could be lynched from a post. A fence post? This is so vague. And judging by the entire action line you're trying to paint a lynching of a black boy but you do not do it well. It really should all be one sentence to be honest, since its all one action line. I don't really see the reason why it's two sentences.
Why not try..... "A young black boy hangs by the neck from a (telephone pole/tree limb), burned beyond all recognition."
"Country music plays to a beat more jovial than the one presented by the dingy decor."
Country music originated in the early 20th century. Just say saloon music and cut out the rest. It's not necessary.
"Caught him stealing some eggs from a farm a couple miles out."
Really? That's hardly a reason to kill a slave. The killer would have to be a complete tool. Especially if it was the owner that did it. Was it the owner? That you state it was "a" farm suggests otherwise. And I don't get why some guy would kill some other guy's slave. That's like someone burns your car because it drove into your house all by itself.
If slaves ever stole food it was usually because the owner didn't feed them well enough. They'd get the shit whipped out of them for sure, but hardly would you kill a young slave. An old slave, I could see that. But a young one? Slaves cost money. They didn't come cheap. You wouldn't burn your car down just because it broke down on you. The logic of this is far fetched. Lynchings aren't taken as lightly as you depict them. Owners killing their own slaves, they probably needed a really good reason for it. I really can't buy the logic of this.
You say you've done some research about this, and while that may be true, it is clear to me that it hasn't been enough. I think it's best you write about what you know. I don't think you know enough about the history of the Antebellum Era to be writing about it.
-J.S.
It's a fictional town and people with factual events as a backdrop. There doesn't need to have ever been a barter town... aside from in Mad Max.
Nobody ever needed a good reason to kill a black slave back in those days... they were bred.... just as whites were too. Kill them for sport... who's going to stop you when it's the sheriff and mayor that's doing it? You have no idea so it's best you keep your ignorance to yourself... but thanks anyway.
Hey Dustin - had to wonder where you where coming from with this - right back off the BAFTA's 'un all -- not that Ridley was going to win or anything, I don't think he's a great writer.
But almost on page three it seems like you're more comfortable with everything - you're off is off here, opening scene, it's like I'm finding it difficult to locate things in relation to each other: maybe a greater seperation's needed between the burnt boy and Carver coming in -- I'm just unsure if he's movng or anything, but from Sheriff's intro it feels like Carver's stationary? So I'm getting at a lack of clarity here for (not from) the opening. I'm not saying it doesn't come a second later or anything, but it needs to be immediate - so the way it reads, Carver could be next to the post (I'll fill in later...) - and this is all your opening image, which I think you can take a little time with.
I hope you don't get to distracted with minutiae: you passify 'servants' on the intro to Carver's mansion, which makes me feel your distraction is the subtext somewhat... even thougth I see what you doing here.
It can be easily filmed by showing that the post is not attached to the ground in any other way than crudely hammered into it. It's been set there to burn.
lacks clarity. If the post was set there to burn, did it?
Beyond all recognition as to who he is... you can't burn something beyond all recognition in regards to its bone structure. Black and white have differences anatomically.
are you seriously suggesting that anatomical differences help an audience decipher what race a badly burned body is? Specifically, what are those differences exactly?
Rhino's.
Is it really rhinos or are you playing? I guess it could be. You did the research so I'll trust you on that.
He's obviously just being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole.
It's your screenplay. Nothing is obvious unless you acurately describe what is happening.
I know the reason.
Do tell.
No.
By ignoring the dancing girls, not caring what's going on around you. Easy to film that. I didn't say they had lost the will to live, it seems like they have from their obvious inactivity. Just out of interest, but how many films have you made? I imagine it's a lot with your expertise on what is and isn't able to be filmed.
You have a salon playing jovial contry music with booze and dancing girls and expect us to believe they are dancing to cutomers that seems to have lost their will to live? Do you really think that happens? Anywhere? My film career is not of any importance to your posting of your material for others to critique. I'm simply pointing out sentences that I believe are confusing. If helpful critique is too much for your ego to handle I would suggest posting in private forums.
Why would somebody order a drink and then randomly flick a coin across the bar? I really don't understand how you could be confused. Well... I do have an idea.
Help me to understand where the coin went? Did it flick over the bar and rudely land on the floor? Did it land nicely in the tenders hand? Did it go all the way across the bar and flick where someone else is sitting? If I'm confused reading your words how coukd it be anyones fault except your lack of clarity? What is your idea about me? Tell me. I can handle it.
Yes.
Reigns are long, it's plausible to hist a horse's midriff with reigns while riding.
You need to look up the definition of midriff. It is a reference to humans and or persons. It's confusing if used in reference to a horse. I tried to help you with that.
A whinny is just a noise a horse makes... doesn't necessarily have to be happy, especially when it's an agonised one.
Again you need to check the definition of whinny. It is a neigh or a gentle sound. Nothing a horse would make after it gets shot. If a person gets shot would he hum a nice tune?
Telling that he is unconscious wouldn't be filmable. He hit his head on a rock... and when you come around after that you can be up and walking around but dazed for weeks or more. You've clearly never been knocked out.
You don't think a person landing on his head and appearing to be motionless and unconscious is filmable? Really? Ya, I've woken up after surgery to that experience, does that count?
She's the only one in the shot. There's no voice over or mention that anyone else screams off screen. It is obviously her.Unless you're an idiot of course... luckily most producers aren't.
I'm not buying it. You wrote a scene with three people in it, not just Isabelle. If the scene changed to just her you should tell us, thus reducing the confusion. I mean, earlier in the scene she had her eyes closed. I'm assuming she opened her eyes after the horse gets shot a second time? I don't know her reasons, you should be clearer. If you are implying that I am an i diot for helping you then why not just ignore what I say.?
Horses get tired after carrying people around. Not only has the horse just chased down Dwight, but it has also ridden back with two passengers and dragging a third along. It would be tired and would need to be calmed, soothed.
You should explain this in your script. Wouldn't that be better for the readers?
It is important information... that is why it is there.
Let the director decide what percentage of the plantation needs to be a certain color. Unless that certain character needs to be a certain color to move the story forward.
You've taken that out of context. Within context of the rest of the action block it makes sense.
How did I take it out of context? It is your sentence. YOU introduced another object and you should be clearer.
You're right.
He wouldn't be playing himself. He'd be playing a character that happened to have the same name... and not a very big part either.
He's perfect for the part. I insist that William Forsythe plays William Forsythe.
Ah, thanks mate... it's almost like you really mean it.
Sarcasm again? Why would I not mean for you to do well with your screenplay? I don't know you at all, aside from this board. Cheers, mate!
I'll try to get a read on this. I read the opening, here's somethings I think you got wrong in the opening two:
Reigns - it's meant for rule, man. "They Reigned over the land for centuries", per se. "Reins" is the word you're looking for here.
Burned beyond all recognition. I get this part, but burned beyond all recognition also means "charred", which means the body would be black no matter if it were white. I also think the opening line could be better worded:
Quoted Text
A large post, buried deep. Hanging from it by the neck, facing the post and burned beyond all recognition, the body of a young black boy
Perhaps, as a suggestion, cutting this down to: A small boy's burned body hangs from a large post
Quoted Text
The carriage pulls to a halt outside a convenience store where a pile of supplies are being set by more black Slaves. The white STORE OWNER looks on, making sure they aren’t breaking anything or, worse, stealing it
In the bold segment, and underlined. No need for the bold part at all. You could merely say:
"The STORE OWNER looms over them with hawk eyes" or something, as in he's keeping a practiced eye on them.
I'll have a read of this shortly, but those are some of my early suggestions. If you've read any of my reviews, you'll know I go into immense detail on my notes.
I already knew the prices slaves were sold for. This one was never sold... didn't cost a thing, because he was bred in the US. His poor old momma was popping out one every year. Not all of them black either. Any babies born to a slave were automatically the property of the owner. Owners by the way, where a few hundred dollars don't mean a thing. 12k to some people is like $12 to others. There are people that would place 20k bets on a roulette table and genuinely not care if they win or lose... in fact, they generally play to lose. It's entertainment... just like burning a little black boy to death against a post was.
That's not in the script by the way. Although it does touch upon breeding. This is also a fictional circumstance. I'm not saying it actually happened... but it has happened in this story.
Hey Dustin - had to wonder where you where coming from with this - right back off the BAFTA's 'un all -- not that Ridley was going to win or anything, I don't think he's a great writer.
But almost on page three it seems like you're more comfortable with everything - you're off is off here, opening scene, it's like I'm finding it difficult to locate things in relation to each other: maybe a greater seperation's needed between the burnt boy and Carver coming in -- I'm just unsure if he's movng or anything, but from Sheriff's intro it feels like Carver's stationary? So I'm getting at a lack of clarity here for (not from) the opening. I'm not saying it doesn't come a second later or anything, but it needs to be immediate - so the way it reads, Carver could be next to the post (I'll fill in later...) - and this is all your opening image, which I think you can take a little time with.
I hope you don't get to distracted with minutiae: you passify 'servants' on the intro to Carver's mansion, which makes me feel your distraction is the subtext somewhat... even thougth I see what you doing here.
To be honest mate, I got tired of hearing about black slavery and the resultant white guilt. So I thought I'd write about slavery as a whole while using white slaves as the subject matter. Lots of white Americans were taken as slaves to the Barbary coast after they lost the protection of the British navy. Mostly from merchant ships, this is despite America paying huge bribes. Coming inland was something they apparently did in England, although to be honest I suspect most of it was done by English pirates working for the King or Queen of the time. It was one way of disposing of our poor. Shanghaied wasn't reserved for employ to the navy, you could also be kidnapped and sold into slavery in Africa. Another thing out own Pirates would do is actually paint their faces black, because the black pirates were known to be more fierce fighters.
So I twisted things slightly and have the Barbary pirates come inland to the US... which could have happened.
It's important to show that the slaves on the carver ranch are mostly black and the servants are mostly white. I have to show that there were white slaves with black people as servants. In other words, there were some blacks with a higher status than the whites. This will be a subtle image when seen on screen. It is hammered home later in the script as Dwight becomes the property of a mulatto man, albeit briefly.
In regards to the opening image, this is an early draft, so a lot of stuff will get cleaned up and done better on another run through. I have to put work into an older script that now has an award-winning director attached, and his ideas are certainly helping make a better story.
My only issue with this story right now, I feel, is that the Protag doesn't get enough dialogue. He's active enough, lots of action scenes... but in terms of dialogue, I see it being pretty thin right now in comparison to the antagonist. I think that may be an issue.
I'll try to get a read on this. I read the opening, here's somethings I think you got wrong in the opening two:
Reigns - it's meant for rule, man. "They Reigned over the land for centuries", per se. "Reins" is the word you're looking for here.
Burned beyond all recognition. I get this part, but burned beyond all recognition also means "charred", which means the body would be black no matter if it were white. I also think the opening line could be better worded:
Perhaps, as a suggestion, cutting this down to: A small boy's burned body hangs from a large post
In the bold segment, and underlined. No need for the bold part at all. You could merely say:
"The STORE OWNER looms over them with hawk eyes" or something, as in he's keeping a practiced eye on them.
I'll have a read of this shortly, but those are some of my early suggestions. If you've read any of my reviews, you'll know I go into immense detail on my notes.
-Lee
Ah man... reins... I've been doing that for ages. I've just had to do a search and replace in the script. Thanks. Some of those suggestions, aside from the hawk-eyes one, are very good. Cheers. However, to be honest they are things I will catch myself on the rewrites. If you could concentrate on story that would be great.
Just joined today. First post, so please bear with me.
*SPOILERS*
First off, the notes I made as I was reading it.
Page 7. "...and when they do eat, they eat slave." Nice.
Page 9. "jujitsu-like" also Page 22. "...looking at Playboy." Why?
Page 12. "I just do as I’m paid." Love this guy.
Page 14/15. -"She was taken in front of me by a hundred men, then beheaded." -"I'm..." -"It is not your fault, Whitey."
I am just beginning to enjoy the conflict between these two characters. Pretty sure Dwight has seen some terrible things. He wouldn't be feeling sorry. He should continue to fuck with Rebel. The guy just said he was a warrior king, this should sound to Dwight like another tall tale. I wanted this exchange:
-"She was taken in front of me by a hundred men, then beheaded." -"Whoa, you must've pissed off an entire town?"
Page 20. I am Spartacus.
Page 22. "That was confected. Clear as day." Why aren't more of them speaking like this?
Page 24. Posse!
Page 26. Why would the Sheriff shoot a free man? Bandit or not. Just ride away and leave Yellow Tooth to the buzzards.
Page 31. Pirates!
Page 35. Injuns!
Page 42. Sheriff shoots another man without provocation. What's wrong with this guy? Just steal the damn horse.
Page 54. I'm struggling now. Too much Carver and Isabelle. Not enough Dwight and the high seas. It's slowing the story down a lot for me.
Page 65. More Carver. Akecheta gets shot twice in a few pages. Doofus.
Page 68. Can't Dwight and Rebel be in line to be castrated? Put them in a bit of peril as they watch Josiah lose his manhood. Maybe they are spared the harem duties because Dwight has interesting knowledge about working the tobacco fields. Or maybe Rebel is recognized by a palace guard.
Page 75. Carver again? Dwight faces so many antagonists throughout, it just seems a little wearisome to keep Carver 'on ice' as it were, to deal with when he returns to the New World.
Page 81. Abdullah knows what the word 'Rebel' means?
Page 83. No. You killed Blake.
Page 86. Dwight should have been walled up and left for dead. Rebel should save him. Cementing their bond.
Page 99./100. The protag and the antag in the final face-off. Two grown men are talking about their Daddies?
Page 102. Dwight is the Mayor?
STORY: I enjoy genre mashing and this is as ambitious as they come. Historical drama meets Wild West meets swashbuckling pirates. I think the Wild West bit is unnecessary and is laden with too much exposition and boring characters. The protag and his buddy are on their way to a destiny untold with mayhem and murder onboard a slaver vessel and we keep cutting back to a white guy and an Indian guy who want to bed Isabelle. Who cares? The whole subplot has neither excitement nor humor. Lose that and you've got a dark and gritty period adventure with lots of perilous fun.
CHARACTERS: DWIGHT has no real arc. A lot of stuff happens to him but he remains unchanged. He learns nothing. Start him off as a bit of an aloof asshole or a little racist to Rebel and in the end when he's the leader of a band of pirates and slaves, it will pay off nicely. Throughout, I wanted him to be more. Also Dwight is never in any real danger. We never really fear for him. REBEL, well, what's not to like. The man fights dogs with his bare hands and is also a king. CARVER, dullsville. VILLAINS get their comeuppance too readily and too conveniently. Of the rest, I liked Blake.
PROBLEMS: When the pirates attack, onboard the ship and in Algiers, we see a lot of the story through the ex-slavers' eyes. A lot happens to them and they have a lot of lines. Make all of that secondary to what happens to Dwight and Rebel and their dialogue.
CONCLUSION: Easy to read, lots of entertainment value but a very uneven Plot B.
Just joined today. First post, so please bear with me.
*SPOILERS*
First off, the notes I made as I was reading it.
Page 7. "...and when they do eat, they eat slave." Nice.
Page 9. "jujitsu-like" also Page 22. "...looking at Playboy." Why?
Page 12. "I just do as I’m paid." Love this guy.
Page 14/15. -"She was taken in front of me by a hundred men, then beheaded." -"I'm..." -"It is not your fault, Whitey."
I am just beginning to enjoy the conflict between these two characters. Pretty sure Dwight has seen some terrible things. He wouldn't be feeling sorry. He should continue to fuck with Rebel. The guy just said he was a warrior king, this should sound to Dwight like another tall tale. I wanted this exchange:
-"She was taken in front of me by a hundred men, then beheaded." -"Whoa, you must've pissed off an entire town?"
Page 20. I am Spartacus.
Page 22. "That was confected. Clear as day." Why aren't more of them speaking like this?
Page 24. Posse!
Page 26. Why would the Sheriff shoot a free man? Bandit or not. Just ride away and leave Yellow Tooth to the buzzards.
Page 31. Pirates!
Page 35. Injuns!
Page 42. Sheriff shoots another man without provocation. What's wrong with this guy? Just steal the damn horse.
Page 54. I'm struggling now. Too much Carver and Isabelle. Not enough Dwight and the high seas. It's slowing the story down a lot for me.
Page 65. More Carver. Akecheta gets shot twice in a few pages. Doofus.
Page 68. Can't Dwight and Rebel be in line to be castrated? Put them in a bit of peril as they watch Josiah lose his manhood. Maybe they are spared the harem duties because Dwight has interesting knowledge about working the tobacco fields. Or maybe Rebel is recognized by a palace guard.
Page 75. Carver again? Dwight faces so many antagonists throughout, it just seems a little wearisome to keep Carver 'on ice' as it were, to deal with when he returns to the New World.
Page 81. Abdullah knows what the word 'Rebel' means?
Page 83. No. You killed Blake.
Page 86. Dwight should have been walled up and left for dead. Rebel should save him. Cementing their bond.
Page 99./100. The protag and the antag in the final face-off. Two grown men are talking about their Daddies?
Page 102. Dwight is the Mayor?
STORY: I enjoy genre mashing and this is as ambitious as they come. Historical drama meets Wild West meets swashbuckling pirates. I think the Wild West bit is unnecessary and is laden with too much exposition and boring characters. The protag and his buddy are on their way to a destiny untold with mayhem and murder onboard a slaver vessel and we keep cutting back to a white guy and an Indian guy who want to bed Isabelle. Who cares? The whole subplot has neither excitement nor humor. Lose that and you've got a dark and gritty period adventure with lots of perilous fun.
CHARACTERS: DWIGHT has no real arc. A lot of stuff happens to him but he remains unchanged. He learns nothing. Start him off as a bit of an aloof asshole or a little racist to Rebel and in the end when he's the leader of a band of pirates and slaves, it will pay off nicely. Throughout, I wanted him to be more. Also Dwight is never in any real danger. We never really fear for him. REBEL, well, what's not to like. The man fights dogs with his bare hands and is also a king. CARVER, dullsville. VILLAINS get their comeuppance too readily and too conveniently. Of the rest, I liked Blake.
PROBLEMS: When the pirates attack, onboard the ship and in Algiers, we see a lot of the story through the ex-slavers' eyes. A lot happens to them and they have a lot of lines. Make all of that secondary to what happens to Dwight and Rebel and their dialogue.
CONCLUSION: Easy to read, lots of entertainment value but a very uneven Plot B.
Hope this helps, Zag
That is amazing. Just what this script needed.
This is at the stage after vomit draft at the moment... in the vomit draft everybody went to Africa. Carver got his own boat and travelled there too as Isabelle was taken by mistake.
It would be a shame not to have the Indians in it to some degree as they kept slaves too.
OK, I may make the whole second and third acts about the journey in Africa. The thing with the western part is to trick the viewer, get them into the wild west thing then hit them with the high seas and Barbary pirates just when they get comfortable. But I get that the switching back and forth is irritating when there's all the excitement of the Barbary coast to explore.
I think Carver will have to follow them to Africa for some reason. I like the idea of a man o' war showdown at the end, followed by a boarding and sword fight, etc. So, I'll probably do that when I can get back to this script. Should just be a couple of days.
Much thanks for the review. Exactly what I needed. If I can return the favour please let me know.
It's entertainment... just like burning a little black boy to death against a post was.
Only the wealthy could afford to do things like that. But your character gives a completely different reason. And that's what I criticized, which you ignored. He's stupid for killing the boy simply because he stole eggs. And he's stupid to kill a boy, knowing his value, regardless of whether he was bought or not. That's my reaction to it. Others may be fine with it.
Only the wealthy could afford to do things like that. But your character gives a completely different reason. And that's what I criticized, which you ignored. He's stupid for killing the boy simply because he stole eggs. And he's stupid to kill a boy, knowing his value, regardless of whether he was bought or not. That's my reaction to it. Others may be fine with it.
It's also stupid to throw away hundreds of thousands of dollars gambling.... but people still do it. I don't agree with it either... there are better things I could spend my money on than watching somebody burned to death while hanging from a post... but for others, it's well worth it.
Killing people used to be entertainment... still would be if not for political correctness.
Read this through, focused mostly on story and characters as you asked, but as a fellow screenwriter, I did need to point out a few things I found wrong, which hopefully helps.
Tale of Two Slaves Notes
Story: Interesting, unique, packs a punch and delivers originality. Western and Piracy perfectly compliment one another. Indians, Pirates, Overlords, has it all.
The revelation of Isabella’s father is quite disturbing and brings a well-needed twist to the story. I was shocked to learn of the news. How any man could call himself a father and be that vindictive, sick and twisted far surpasses my knowledge. This was perhaps the most defining moment of Isabella’s story, one that certainly packs a jarring punch to readers.
A part of me understands why you chose to write this tale, Dustin. Hard to think a few hundred years back, this thing was a common affair the world over. It’s a tough genre to write and an even tougher one to pull off, but you did it. It’s hard to read because this s*** actually happened IRL. Slaves, executions, bricking, boiling, harems and god-knows what else. You nailed the essence of the era IMO.
A sense of urgency is ever present in the story. Each scene adds tension, brings a lot to the fray. The end battle was epic, visually defining, I could imagine it playing out firmly on screen, delivering a knock-out blow to audiences and readers alike with its precise action.
The main plot of “redemption” is key here IMO. Rebel’s ascension is well written, a king among slaves, attempting to find his way home. The sub-plot of Dwight rekindling his romantic spark with Isabella was also great too, and delivered something memorable.
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Characters: Multi-dimensional, very intriguing. I specifically enjoyed Dwight’s development, along with Rebel’s character. Both were strong. I felt sorry for Isabelle being in the situation she was in, tasked with being a “whore” through lack of a better term, to everyone.
Akecheta... his action in only his second scene defined him. The way he looked at Isabelle and the contempt he had to kill Sheriff, taken aback by her beauty and ultimately shot for his actions was quite developing and I enjoyed that sequence of events.
Josiah’s “moment”, I think you know what I mean, was rather gruesome to read and very disturbing to imagine. Not sure he deserved it, sure he was a dick, but... yeah, you get my point here. His ending was nice, even though he’s missing some jewels.
Smythe... though caught in-between a rock and a hard place, I felt sorry for him because he really had no choice. His end was sad, but defined his character perfectly.
Carver... a vindictive, ruthless bastard. I hated him, I really hated him, which means you did a fantastic job moulding him as a character. He was a really great antagonist IMO.
Red Beard... his defining scene IMO was the “horse” segment after the plantation. I don’t know why he did it, but it sets him up as a, through lack of a better term, a complete douche-bag. Yet, I do somehow understand why.
Julianna is a slut, no point in saying anything else. She just goes with anyone that suits her best interests, which is somewhat humorous. Good to see she got her comeuppance.
Blake, always knew he was a good guy from the moment I read his opening sequences. He really was one of my favourite characters here. I was rather sad to see him go the way he did, but for story purposes, this certainly worked.
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Action: Confusing at times, as some of it is in long blocks of action lines and never broken up.
When the s*** hits the fan and war breaks out, it really drives forward with some truly brilliant moments. There could have been MORE action IMHO. As an Action Adventure, the Action part only really came about once or twice in short segments in the First and Second Acts, then blew up in the Third Act.
The Adventure part of the tale was interesting and decent, designing a beautiful, delicate world is a craft many cannot do, but you delivered the perfect antidote with vast expanses and the sea, even the island of the Dey, which was specifically interesting.
After recently playing AC4, I visualize the scenes perfectly. You nailed it.
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Spotlights: SEX, why is every man in this so riled up and sex-mad? Akecheta, a man I thought to be some form of protagonist, instantly tries to rape Isabelle, then William has a breeding farm for slaves, Carver beats and rapes his own women, and all of this leaves me scratching my head asking myself “was everyone in this age sex-pests?”
Not to cut in on storytelling, but I do think some of the sex/rape could potentially be cut down a little. Kind of makes me feel as though I was reading a Wild West Indian Pirate-laden pornography at times, ha-ha.
Focusing on story and characters, I do have a couple of notes I picked up during the opening few, so I’ll list them here, nothing else though, as you said you’d pick them up on re-reads, so.
There are portions of this script I feel could be cut up partially. Some rather long paragraphs, earliest of which is Page 8’s seven-line structure. Possible to cut that down into 2 Ps?
It’s a tough read, one can suggest that much. Lots of detail where detail can at times be obscured entirely. Some of the character motions, such as “taken aback, she walks away” (not from the script, but you get my point here) are unneeded in my honest opinion.
Lots of detail, sometimes the writing here is a tad confusing, as you detail several incidents taking place at the same time in the same paragraph. Again, not saying it’s bad, but it’s rather tough on the eyes at certain times and you could definitely fix plenty of these with a quick edit/rewrite.
As an example of the over-use of wording for scene descriptions, I have listed this quotation as a reference to the overabundance of detail:
Quoted Text
“The retreat is seen as a weakness and the second bulldog snaps viciously at Rebel’s midriff, biting just near the ribcage. Rebel punches at the dog’s head with little effect and jumps again. The first dog leaps into the air, aiming for Rebel’s throat... Rebel snatches the dog out of the air, wrapping himself around it and bringing it to the ground where he breaks the dog’s back with a twist of his hips. He stands...”
As a SEVEN-LINE action sequence, there’s a lot of unneeded detail here. You’ve helped me in the past, Dustin, but my reviews always induce precision. The screenwriter in me has to call certain things out.
The above quoted excerpt from this script could simply be cut down and still have the same level of effect to the reader:
“Rebel’s retreat signals the second bulldog, which snaps viciously at his midriff. Rebel punches the dog’s head, barely thwarting it.
The first dog lunges for Rebel’s throat.
Rebel wrestles it out of the air, to the ground. He twists his hips. The dog WHIMPERS. Bone SNAPS.”
Easier, slicker, precise and to the point. Less wordy. Same effect, at only 46 words as opposed to 76. This is merely a suggestion, I’m sure a rewrite will fix the issues, but I had to point that part out.
Unfortunately, there are many of these long-detailed paragraphs throughout that can be cut down exponentially and still deliver the same outcome. This is what makes the script a slow read.
I have read many scripts, learned from some of the best on this website to ensure positivity and constructive criticism with any and all of my reviews. Construction is key, IMO.
Page 3 - Hogtie is a word you could likely use to describe the roping of Isabelle, as a minor suggestion. Common in the Wild West, played Red Dead Redemption, did this for fun, ha-ha.
Page 8 - We usually one dog, maybe missing a word?
I do like the introduction of PIRATES in this. I’m a big fan of 16th century piracy, Blackbeard, seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies more times than I can count and played AC4: Black Flag, which really brought me up to speed on pirate lore. I am a big pirate fan, so kudos for bringing pirates into this, as I was mostly seeing some form of Western until they showed up.
Unfilmables are present too, as an example of this:
“Several English merchant ships sit in the docks unloading hundreds of white slaves ready to be sold. Most of them just poor folk who went to bed in their homes and woke up on a ship, now being sold in Africa.”
The entire BOLDED structure is not necessary here. There are certain times in the script this occurs, and I won’t mention them all.
Closing thoughts:
This was well-crafted, Dustin. You have all the makings of an epic here. Story was great. Characters were excellent. I mentioned some of the problems I found with it in my review, which I hope helps you edit and re-write it to be far superior than it already is.
It’s a great script, a cracker. I read this in one-sitting because the story and characters gripped me. Just, some of the descriptions here or there could be tightened a little, maybe removed.
Other than a few minor, technicalities, this is a well-written script with a great story, developed characters and excellent world.
Seriously though, I'll wait for you to revise your vomit draft and then I'll take a look at it.
Jordan
Mad Max 3 was a favourite of mine as a kid. The name was last minute thing and I think I forgot to add it to the closing scene. Originally it was simply called 'TOWN'
This is the stage after vomit draft. I should do a treatment next then another rewrite, then list it here for reads but I have to take time out on another script - which will be done today - before I can get back to this... so I thought I'd put it up a little early and see what opinions I could get on story. I was grateful for one, to get two is amazing... much appreciated.
The revelation of Isabella’s father is quite disturbing and brings a well-needed twist to the story. I was shocked to learn of the news. How any man could call himself a father and be that vindictive, sick and twisted far surpasses my knowledge. This was perhaps the most defining moment of Isabella’s story, one that certainly packs a jarring punch to readers.
She was born a slave, so I suppose he never really looked at her as being his daughter. Probably sired so many children he lost count of who's were his and who's weren't.
A part of me understands why you chose to write this tale, Dustin. Hard to think a few hundred years back, this thing was a common affair the world over.
It still is a common thing, we simply switched one form of slavery for another. But I get your point. I wrote this to point out white slavery. White slavery to black masters. Indeed the British were the first to abolish slavery... at least in our own country, probably because we had too many people. At one time a christian slave wasn't worth the price of a loaf of bread they were so common. So we did a lot of dumping in the US. After the civil war of independence (that is deliberate usage of the word, civil) the new world government complained about it so the British had to find somewhere else to dump them. Australia came up... but we were also shipping, or being shanghaied to places like Africa. So it may have been for the wrong reasons, but we were still the first to abolish slavery. It is still legal in Africa today. That is why I wrote it... to educate. But wrapped up in a cool story so nobody really notices unless they look. Glad to hear I'm half way there. I couldn't ask for more at this stage.
Characters: Multi-dimensional, very intriguing. I specifically enjoyed Dwight’s development, along with Rebel’s character. Both were strong. I felt sorry for Isabelle being in the situation she was in, tasked with being a “whore” through lack of a better term, to everyone.
That's interesting. Dwight is the protag and with so many characters I felt for sure that he would have been overshadowed. I think Rebel does outdo him, and I will need to rectify that.
Josiah’s “moment”, I think you know what I mean, was rather gruesome to read and very disturbing to imagine. Not sure he deserved it, sure he was a dick, but... yeah, you get my point here. His ending was nice, even though he’s missing some jewels.
He's a slave breeder and has them fight and kill each other for sport. He also has problems getting it up, which probably gives rise to Julianna's frustrations. He won't miss them, and he does deserve it, I feel... but he gets a fairly happy ending. I think I've played him just right in terms of character development.
Smythe... though caught in-between a rock and a hard place, I felt sorry for him because he really had no choice. His end was sad, but defined his character perfectly.
Thanks. I wasn't sure if the suicide worked or not.
Red Beard... his defining scene IMO was the “horse” segment after the plantation. I don’t know why he did it, but it sets him up as a, through lack of a better term, a complete douche-bag. Yet, I do somehow understand why.
I feel this is a character arc I still need to define properly.
Action: Confusing at times, as some of it is in long blocks of action lines and never broken up.
Action blocks should be written by camera shot. If on a wide angle then a lot can be shown at once and stay in one block, even if seven long. Although, I do agree some of the blocks could be tightened, I don't hold with the idea that action blocks should be 4 or less.
When the s*** hits the fan and war breaks out, it really drives forward with some truly brilliant moments. There could have been MORE action IMHO. As an Action Adventure, the Action part only really came about once or twice in short segments in the First and Second Acts, then blew up in the Third Act.
After recently playing AC4, I visualize the scenes perfectly. You nailed it.
My oldest son has that game. I tried playing it but got bored as they used the same engine from the last game, AC3, which is a better game. I wasn't impressed that they hadn't done anything different. From what I could see the ship handling was exactly the same. i got bored and haven't played past the first level. Last game I finished was GTA5... even that I just play the story then get bored. It's all baout story for me with computer games... although I did enjoy playing COD for a number of years, I haven't played in around a year.
Spotlights: SEX, why is every man in this so riled up and sex-mad? Akecheta, a man I thought to be some form of protagonist, instantly tries to rape Isabelle, then William has a breeding farm for slaves, Carver beats and rapes his own women, and all of this leaves me scratching my head asking myself “was everyone in this age sex-pests?”
Having a breeding farm doesn't relate to sex pests. That really happened. Carver is a sex pest, he wants to marry his own daughter. Akecheta is an Indian... when you own a slave, it's yours. He saw Isabelle as his prize. He wasn't looking at it as rape. Nobody would back then.
Not to cut in on storytelling, but I do think some of the sex/rape could potentially be cut down a little. Kind of makes me feel as though I was reading a Wild West Indian Pirate-laden pornography at times, ha-ha. [/qiote]
Noted.
[quote=Leegion] It’s a tough read, one can suggest that much. Lots of detail where detail can at times be obscured entirely. Some of the character motions, such as “taken aback, she walks away” (not from the script, but you get my point here) are unneeded in my honest opinion.
A lot of character actions are used to break up dialogue. I'll look into overly-used description.
Lots of detail, sometimes the writing here is a tad confusing, as you detail several incidents taking place at the same time in the same paragraph. Again, not saying it’s bad, but it’s rather tough on the eyes at certain times and you could definitely fix plenty of these with a quick edit/rewrite.
This comes down to camera shots again. What you envision as a camera shot and what I envision as a camera shot may be different. Often in one shot, more than one thing can be happening. If I were you, I wouldn't get too bogged down with stuff like that in your own scripts.
Page 3 - Hogtie is a word you could likely use to describe the roping of Isabelle, as a minor suggestion. Common in the Wild West, played Red Dead Redemption, did this for fun, ha-ha.
I know about hog-tying... Unfortunately it would be extremely difficult to strap somebody to a horse afterwards. To hogtie one must have their hands behind their back and tied to their feet. It would be extremely awkward to strap somebody to a horse after that.
Unfilmables are present too, as an example of this:
“Several English merchant ships sit in the docks unloading hundreds of white slaves ready to be sold. Most of them just poor folk who went to bed in their homes and woke up on a ship, now being sold in Africa.”
The entire BOLDED structure is not necessary here. There are certain times in the script this occurs, and I won’t mention them all.
I don't believe it is unfilmable. The sentence shows that they shouldn't act like subdued slaves. These are new, freshly arrived from England, shanghaied in their sleep.
Red Beard definitely could use a little more fleshing out. In truth, I was expecting a larger role for him, maybe he's in on it with the Dey? A final confrontation between him and Dwight might be something intriguing to read/watch.
Also, I've been thinking it over all night. I know you've said this, but I think the ending, specifically the 5-week time jump, somewhat loses a little steam.
Maybe it is a good idea to have Carver/Isabelle go to the Dey's island to create more tension. I think that would be quite exciting to have everyone on the same island in the final war.
The script certainly has all the makings of a great flick.
Red Beard definitely could use a little more fleshing out. In truth, I was expecting a larger role for him, maybe he's in on it with the Dey? A final confrontation between him and Dwight might be something intriguing to read/watch.
Also, I've been thinking it over all night. I know you've said this, but I think the ending, specifically the 5-week time jump, somewhat loses a little steam.
Maybe it is a good idea to have Carver/Isabelle go to the Dey's island to create more tension. I think that would be quite exciting to have everyone on the same island in the final war.
The script certainly has all the makings of a great flick.
-Lee
Red Beard is in it with the Dey... but he's simply a pirate and will serve whoever the Dey is on the day. I like the idea of a final battle between he and Dwight.
In the vomit draft they all did go to Africa. Carver is setting up not just Dwight to get rid of him, but also Josiah to steal his land. That's why Josiah must sign over the deeds. I imagine Carver would want to be there personally for that. So I can get him there easily enough. An issue I ran into was Carver's motive for wanting the land so bad he'd go to all that trouble. There was no oil in 1800. There was gold... so maybe Josiah has gold deposits found in a river on his property. I just had issues finding out if that was a possibility near Coastal S. Carolina. Although I do believe in artistic license, I'd still prefer to be as accurate as I can. But whatever, it works.
That final 5 week time jumps is a little much and does spoil the flow. I'm going to figure out a way to keep most of what I have and have them go to Africa. A script like this could run up to 120 pages and beyond anyway.
New Draft is up. New title, now called, A Slave's Tale. Did as suggested and killed the old B story. Now everyone ends up in Africa and I managed to keep the Indians in it to boot. Still not completely happy with it... but I am with the over all story. Maybe one or two creases that need ironing over and of course a polish or two for the sake of brevity.
So still some work to do. I just need to work on something else for a while. I hate treatments and I hate difficult rewrites even more... of which this was one.
I was making some notes on the previous draft of your script, but I see that you've revised it, so I'll post my old notes and take a look at the new draft.
Hey mate. Thanks a lot. It'll come in handy when I run through for brevity later. I still have a couple of creases with story to iron out. This has had quite a bit of a rewrite and as usual with something that size, it will inevitably create new problems that will need smoothing over.
Hope that means they're just unruly. I've got four boys and they can take up a lot of time. Luckily though xbox is around to keep them occupied... I just need to be around to break up the fights and solve disputes before they escalate into a fight.
Yeah, those first five years are hard... not that it gets any easier, mind. At least - when they get older - we don't need to have our eyes on them constantly.
Thanks again for the read. I've already sent the script out to an exec', so I'm hoping for some pro feedback before I rewrite.
I really enjoyed the read. The Characters were all well developed; I loved Rebel, what a badass. Your antagonists got their proper comeuppance, Carver in-particular. The rape scene with Isabelle was quite disturbing and effective. Josiah's redemption was also very nice.
It has a unique tone throughout, very gritty, like an R-rated Gone With the Wind meets pirates, at least in my opinion. Very unique.
Your action lines are quite detailed, which will help the director when blocking the shots. Anything that makes their job easier is a good thing.
You have something great, its just a matter of getting it into the right hands.
I really enjoyed the read. The Characters were all well developed; I loved Rebel, what a badass. Your antagonists got their proper comeuppance, Carver in-particular. The rape scene with Isabelle was quite disturbing and effective. Josiah's redemption was also very nice.
It has a unique tone throughout, very gritty, like an R-rated Gone With the Wind meets pirates, at least in my opinion. Very unique.
Your action lines are quite detailed, which will help the director when blocking the shots. Anything that makes their job easier is a good thing.
You have something great, its just a matter of getting it into the right hands.
I hope to see it on the big screen.
Lono.
Still a bit of work to do on this one to get it to a stage where the story flows right through and all loose ends tied up. I can think of a couple of the story transitions that need work. I find scripts like this take a lot more out of me than just the normal run-of-the-mill thriller or horror, so I need lengthier breaks between drafts.
In regards to the action lines... I just like writing them. The Director nor choreographers need to go with what I've suggested, but I feel as though I'm cheating if I don't write something decent. Not many screenplay writers like doing them, I think.
I also hope to see this on the big screen one day. I've got a few more blockbusters in mind too. As much as I prefer writing them (if only for the challenge it provides) the chances of them getting made are fairly slim. Odds around the web measure it at 5000-1. So not impossible either.
I do have an exec reading it now... I think... I'm toying with the idea of approaching some more as I've never been good with patience, but I know I'm probably best targeting one at a time when it comes to big budget like this. So I'm holding it down for at least seven days before going to the next guy.
I've not read previous comments so apologies in advance if you've heard any of this before.
At the end of the first page the setting is done. I was a bit bewilderd about the country music though. They'd need some musos to play it back then. You don't say it, but it's implied it's coming from a source.
I suppose you've been getting a bit of a kicking from some about the treatment of these slaves. It does seem rather on the heavy side. I can imagine it's more likely them getting a beating than what they do get. But I don't know yet if you're going for realism or effect. This feels definitely more towards the latter.
On page 3 I think you meant 'letches' instead of leches.
After the first ten pages I'm a bit unsure of exactly what went on. A lot happened. And there's a lot of characters. I get the tone is supposed to be menacing and bleak.
It's pretty well written. The thing I'm unsure who to root for. The slaves are victims and obviously sympathetic. But I don't know them or anything about them. They've barely said a word yet. This being the case it's hard to get into the story.
I've also no real idea what will happen. This isn't neccesarily a bad thing. I think if you know exactly what'll happen by the end of a movie then it isn't going to be particularly enjoyable. Nevertheless I think more of a hint as to where we're going might help.
On a few pages the spacing's often a bit dense. It would read better with a bit more.
Read up to page twenty. It's well written on the whole. Coupla typos here and there but nothing major. Some of the dialogue is good. Natural flow. However it is tough to get through as it's extremely violent. I'll carry on when I'm in a more open minded mood.
Sorry for my bad mood last night.... suffering from a slipped disc in my back. I originally visited this thread to impart some good news.
This script has gotten me to the final stage of the BBC writer's room open submission thingy. I'll post the email:
Quoted Text
Dear Dustin
Thank you for submitting your script to SCRIPTROOM 5. We received over 1300 TV & Film Drama scripts, and our team of readers have been working intensively to sift through all submissions.
Our readers were asked to consider what the opening of each script demonstrated about the writer’s voice and originality, their understanding of medium, form, genre and tone, and the strength of the world, story, characters and dialogue.
After reading the first 10 pages, your script was put forward to the next sift where the first 20-30 pages of scripts were then read by another reader and we are pleased to tell you that your script was longlisted. This means it progressed to the full read and feedback stage of the process, where a script reader read your script, provided comments and discussed your script with the Writersroom producers and BBC Drama Development staff.
Our readers were very impressed by the standard, imagination and ambition of the work that reached this stage in the process; and I’m delighted to tell you that on the strength of your script, you are progressing to the next and final stage of the process. This means that BBC staff will now be reading and discussing your script and will be selecting writers to be part of the Scriptroom 5 development group.
This stage will take approximately 6 weeks and we hope to be back in touch with a decision about the final selection in July when we will also send you feedback on your script.
Thank you again for all your hard work and patience.
Best wishes,
BBC Writersroom
Obviously, I may still not get through, but that doesn't matter. I have other roads I'm hitting too. One way or another...
Good luck, Dustin. I actually read the first 15 pages of this last night and I must say that your weaving of a tale is good, accounting for set up, your characters, and the overall feel of the world you created. Nicely done. All the best going forward!
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