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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Code Black Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 22nd, 2014, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Code Black by Matt Thompson - Action, Adventure -  When a vicious crime boss seizes a hospital to secure a heart transplant for his dying father, an aging firefighter must leap into action to save the chosen donor -- his daughter. 102 pages - pdf, format


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Posted: June 22nd, 2014, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS.  DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE SCRIPT.  SPOILERS.



Wow, holy shit, Matt - this was really, really good.  The only problem:  this could have been one helluva badass script if it wasn't for the last 40-45 pages or so.  I took brief notes as I went along, but now I'll try to expand upon them.  One thing is for sure - I learned A LOT from Code Black:

I liked how you dove right into the story right from the beginning.  No messing around.  In fact, there was a lot of that "no messing around" attitude going on and I loved it.  The first 5 pages had a shocking moment and one of your characters already being thrown into a hard situation.

Your description of Graham was great.  All too often writers describe their characters in a boring way.  They would have said "he has a tired look about him" or "he has a haggard face" or something stale like that.  But you give a fresh, cool description, and it's got style.  Also, I loved how you hid the "save the cat" moment in the very beginning by making Graham's career/job a firefighter.  It really worked and made it less obvious.  Who doesn't groan when they see a blatant "save the cat" moment?  But here, you put a nice veil over it by making it Graham's job to save lives.  Plus, his career not only helped hide the "save the cat" moment but it also came into play later when he questioned Lambert on her BS (all of the EMT Classes).

I liked how you established the "unsafe environment" right away with the murder of Nora.  Make someone likeable and then kill them off like that.  We then feel no one is safe.  Edge of your seat.  Who's going to make it now if they didn't?

The exposition scene where Lambert told Graham why she's doing what she's doing didn't feel like an expositional dump because the situation demanded that she spill everything right then and there.  You could of had him put it together on his own with visuals/action but this worked just as well, as I could see that scene happening in real life.

I liked how you used humor to offset the negative scenario (page 30 and page 36), but I quickly grew tired of it as I thought it went too overboard, especially with the Justin character.  This is one of two main issues I had with the script.  His one liners became too much and you could easily identify him as the goofy, supposed to be funny, comic relief side kick type of character stuck in an action movie situation.  I would suggest toning it down a notch with him - cut back on the one liners.

Next, my second issue:  By the time page 60 rolled around, I hoped for some twists and turns to spice things up a bit so we could avoid things getting a bit stale.  This is definitely the page range where you really should get your reader even MORE interested in what's going on.  The gotta, as Stephen King's Paul Sheldon calls it, in Misery.  I gotta keep reading to see what happens next.  The "you need to see this" line always works no matter what, but you didn't drag it out that long and what we "needed to see" wasn't all that much of a big deal.  Now this is just my opinion, but I think your last 40-45 pages need some spicing up - either that or cut 10 pages - because I would be lying if I told you I didn't start skimming a bit (not much, just a little - but you don't want your reader skimming through your script at all).  In closing, I liked this better than Graves.  And like I said this was a really, really good read, and I'm glad I gave it a look because I gained a whole lot from it.  This gets a strong recommendation from me.

Steve
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Dark Shape
Posted: June 23rd, 2014, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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(To be redundant after Facebook...) Thanks for the read, Steve.  Just wanted to say that I am very much here and any thoughts are appreciated!
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simonconnolly
Posted: June 24th, 2014, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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POSSIBLE SPOILER

This is the first time I've read a feature script from start to finish in one sitting. The action started right from the start and never stopped and I was hooked. Simple enough premise but handled really well and the script never really dragged, which is rare enough in a feature script.  Your characters are brilliant and you're not afraid to kill any of them off which brings a really great edge to the script. I think at times the Justin character is a bit too jokey when there's really serious shit happening. It works most of the time, but the little back and forth about his arms being guns jarred a little for me, and was really the only thing in the entire script that did. I would say also that maybe some of the fight scenes are slightly repetitive. Often the same thing with people running out of ammo, and then using Celine's blades and getting someone else's gun. Again a very small detail, but I think rewriting the substance of one of your fight scenes would solve that. Another small criticism would be that I feel you could've got more out of the story in the time before Harris is reunited with MacKenzie. Not exactly a big thing, but I just felt like they spend a lot of the film together and you could've given her more time in her precarious situation. Want to emphasise though, very minor notes and the script doesn't exactly suffer because of them.

You have a really nice style of writing. Scenes flow into each other really nicely and all the action is so seamless. Also the way you reveal certain things like who is hitting someone, or getting control of a gun, it's all written in a very exciting way. Seriously unlike anything I've ever read. I work as a producer and I just wish I ever received scripts of this quality on my desk. Awesome work and I would really recommend you try sell this as it is genuinely one of the best feature length scripts I've read.


How happy is the blameless vestal's lot.
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,
each prayer accepted and each wish resigned
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 24th, 2014, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Matt, I read the first 10 or so a few days ago, based on Steve's glowing accolades.  I probably could have gone on, but I just wasn't that into anything happening, nor did I feel like anything was "real" or beleivable.

And, obviously, being "real" or coming off as "real" is a thin line and something that will differ for every reader or watcher.

I do like your writing style and I can easily say it's top 10% or better than everything else I've read or read currently.  There's a nice flow, there's a nice confidence, and you know how to handle action and even character interaction quite well, so kudos there.

One thing that really got on my nerves is your excessive use of exclamation points in action.  I guess it's 1 of many pet peeves I can't get over.  The effect writers think they're achieving is of shock or surprise, but to me, it's like, "OK, I get it, do you really need to shout it out to me?" IMO, exclamation points in action lines should really never be used.  It's almost like you assume your readers are idiots and need that exclmation point to get the power of the line or action across, but for me, it works exactly the opposite.

I think the other thing that kept me from going on is the fact that everything just seemed to be trying too hard to be over the top or exciting.  The fireman saving Nora sure showed his heroic qualities, but he really came off more like a super hero, and I just don't gravitate towards those kinds of flicks or scripts.

You have real talent, though, and it's great to see.  I wish you all the best with this and hope you return the favors and start reading and commenting on other scripts, because it really is a Quid Pro Quo world here at SS.  You want reads?  You need to give them out as well, and once peeps know who you are, you'll be shocked at how much help and feedback you can get.

Take care.
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Dark Shape
Posted: June 24th, 2014, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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I'll definitely be contributing.  Due to a landlord issue I don't have internet in the house, so I'm forced to do all my reading on my phone!

Thanks so much for the read, you two.  Simon, your comment about Mackenzie never separating from Graham walloped me -- of course, why didn't I think of it before?!  I've figured out a nifty scenario that'll go in my rewrite and I have you to thank for it.

Dream, I really appreciate the kind words about my writing.  When it comes to exclamation points, I've always been dreadfully scared of coming off as too passive.  I really want my scripts to read as a film in progress, so I try to use exclamation points (and other devices) as a way to sub in for musical stingers and the like.  I've ghost written a few studio rewrites for a friend of mine and had to imitate his style; suppose I never shook that particular habit, heh.

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Dark Shape  -  June 24th, 2014, 8:21pm
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ThomasJamieson
Posted: June 28th, 2014, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt,

I read the first 23 pages (strange number, but that's what I had time for) so far. I think your pacing is strong and there is not much fat. Descriptions are a little overwritten in certain places, and I think by trimming those, you will just improve the pace even more.

A few examples:

PAGE 1
It's been a long night out. You don't need this, as it's clear they've had one. Also, Nora makes a related comment to them.

PAGE 2
The kind man who absolutely loves the sound of his own Souther drawl. Again, maybe describe the drawl in a wryly to let us know he has one, but no need for this.

PAGE 6
There's no way it's standing after this (re the building fire). You don't need this, and let's see if it's standing later.

Also, some of the sound effects can go:

BING! on page 1.
CRASH! on page 9.
LLLLRRRCCCHHHH! on page 10.
You can simply describe the sounds by capitalizing the source. Another reviewer mentioned the use of exclamation points. I tend to agree that you don't need them.

On PAGE 22, how does Graham know for sure that Mackenzie is at the hospital? Maybe he would say "I think my daughter is here." He seemed to sure after coming out of his slumber.

Re Cabot, I was not sure why, on top of killing Dr. Lambert's husband -- which was pretty startling -- he set fire to the entire home and, as a result, the building. I realize this introduces Graham, but I will need to keep reading to understand why he made such a spectacular statement. I'm guessing he is a nihilist on the extreme end of the hardened criminal spectrum? I look forward to finding out.

Again, I think your writing is economical, which I love, and the dialogue never made me wince. It was solid, appropriate, and kept the action moving along. I also liked how you were developing with Graham and Mackenzie. I want to see how that pays off.

I will read the rest of this at some point soon. Good work so far.

Tom
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Leegion
Posted: June 28th, 2014, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say Matt, this is pretty damn good so far.  I read the first 10 pages and the concept is good, antagonist has motives, a shocking "end" to someone real early on and your descriptions are top notch.

I'm in the middle of something, but once it's done, I'll get back to this and give you a review as I'm interested in where this thing goes.
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Dark Shape
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Thanks for taking a look, guys.

Wanted to say that I've uploaded a tweaked draft.  Fixed some errors, toned Justin down a tad, added a little more peril for Mackenzie after pg. 60.  
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c m hall
Posted: July 1st, 2014, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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this is a terrific script.  

spoilers

in my opinion, Graham takes too many beatings, he's almost dead in almost every scene.  
Mackenzie and Audrey are generally damaged too much, too.  They are well crafted characters, their dialogue is distinct -- I just wish they could duck out of the way of some of those slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

All of the characters are so well written that they are missed when they die, they each are identifiable and their loss has an impact on the story -- that's an enormous accomplishment, I think.  

Here's a foolish suggestion... possibly there could be some sort of parallel story going on outside of the hospital where somebody somewhere desperately tries to convince the police and FBI that something is going on in that hospital, maybe making the situation worse or better.  I know that Jackson keeps the outside world at bay but... my feeling is that your skills are such that anything that happens could be exciting.

You've got wonderful, original characters, bright, clever dialogue and a good story.  
Congratulations on writing such an entertaining script!
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JimiLamp
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Hello Matt,

I agree with all of the previous posters comments for the most part. I enjoyed the script. Great writing and flow. There is a feeling of repetitiveness, action scenes coming in on the butt of each other. May help to slow some things down a tad, or break it up. One thing that stood out was a feeling that all the characters were having way too much fun. You created many dire and dangerous situations but sometimes it doesn't come off that way based on how the characters are interpreting and are reacting to the situation. This makes it feel - for me at least - that there is no sense of real danger or fear. Physically the characters are struggling but would want feel more of the emotional/psychological aspect. That may be just me. But also get the genre and vibe you are going for and so much of it works.

Also feel that Graham getting Mackenzie back happens too early. That could be a good reversal. But also, it feels that the root of the story is about a father and daughter bonding for the first time, so see how it can work.

Last thing, towards the end, Celine shows up and describes how utterly painful it is to get shot. I'm not sure how adrenaline works, how long it lasts and how it affects pain, but it would seem a teenage girl dealing with broken ribs and a gunshot wound would be very painful, hard to get through/cope with.

Hope some that is somewhat helpful.

Nice job! Reading Graves now. Enjoying it. Keep it up. Good luck.
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khamanna
Posted: July 2nd, 2014, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt,

I started reading this and reached first fifty pages.
It's exceptionally well written. I'll never be able to write like that.

I think you need to rethink Graham and doctor lady. And Mackenzie or course. These are your main characters and I don't have much from them. Graham is like a superman, who underestimates himself. And seemingly everyone else does too.
There's no real tension between him and Mackenzie. Or between him and everyone else. I think he needs some human qualities, otherwise there's no much tension in a script. Even though there's a lot of action and I did care for Mackenzie's fate - there's still little conflict. And I think that's because your Graham is a bit one-dimentional. And his relationship with his daughter is not very rich either. I think you need to add something here.

Also, I feel like Graham gets everything very easily. I don't know what happens past page 50, but I do get a feeling like he'll get there no problem, save the day, save his daughter... He needs to start loosing something to make us watch him closely.

There were a couple of places I couldn't understand what the dialog was about - but just a couple and I need to reread the script to point these out. If you need me to do that I gladly will. But if you're going for a rewrite... then maybe there's no point.

I'm also not sure about bringing in so many characters that you're going to kill off moments later. I mean you stay on these characters for a while - take Nora for example - I'm not sure it's right to kill her off. I felt a spark between her and Graham...

Anyway, the script needs work in my opinion, but you're a great writer. You have anything else on the site?
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Dark Shape
Posted: July 2nd, 2014, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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This is the greatest screenplay ever written and you are wrong and when I win my Oscar you won't be invited!

Thanks a ton for the reads!  A lot of interesting notes there.  I actually find the reaction to Graham from various readers quite interesting:  some find him to be an unstoppable Superman, others think I beat him up too much and should lay off.  I'll work on it -- I'm trying to strike a balance.  One reason I love Indiana Jones and John McClane is they get knocked around and feel human, even as they pull off impossible feats.

The Mackenzie/Graham relationship is also a balance.  I want some conflict, but I also don't want melodrama.  Blah.  If Writing was a person, I would challenge him to a duel (and lose).

(I admit I grinned evilly at your "I felt a spark" comment, khamanna.  That's what I wanted you to feel.  Ohhhhhh yes, it was.)

Anyway, I'll back away.  This thread is for you guys to give your honest reactions, not for me to explain choices and my crack-pot thinking.
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Megn
Posted: July 7th, 2014, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Matt,
First let me start by saying - gosh you are a good writer... and so humorous, and I love your dialog.  

Now then onto your script.  I do have to side a-bit with khamanna's comments - in that you might want to re-configure the protagonist and his horde of do-gooders. So, to start with I want to say the important thing is you're onto to something - definitely a start... your logline alone got me hooked.  

That said, I think you need to cannibalize/ reorganize things.  Remember a good script means rewrite after rewrite.  Bullets:

_ I think your bad guys have so much character.  For some reason Celine and Brandt remind me of Mcboombooms and Nightshade from my days watching "Cops" growing up -- arguably the best characters in your script -- and I love it. I felt the characters of the good guys did not rival that of the bad guys... so adding a little more depth to your good guys will help, especially Graham, the Dr., and McKenzie.  You might wanna accomplish this by adding a subplot or two (just what your story could use).  

_ The point above of subplot might mean axing some of the sub-characters on the good side to lesser roles.  You show instead of tell great with your action sequences, but now ya wanna apply the same to the characters by taking away comments of how they feel in their actions and subbing with actual quirks and idiosyncrasies to lead us to believe a character is - say, stubborn, or egotistical, or monomaniac.  For example, does the Dr. smoke, bite her nails when nervous, etc stuff like that.  

_ Also, try making Graham less superhuman unlike a Jack Bauer, afterall he's a mere firefighter - let that be work against him. You wanna push your characters to their limit under the pressure of overcoming their weaknesses to somehow save the day. Even John McClane in Die Hard had an element of luck and a moment of self-revelation to win the day, as opposed to just relying solely on his wit and skills to do so.  You mentioned Graham had bad knees.  Make it work the hell against him and get worse as the script plays out so now he's got to overcome himself as well the bad guys.  Graham is wielding a guns around (well does he have a military background, or perhaps he used to be great at playstation 1st person shooter games?) -- you could put something in his background to authenticate his shown ability to use the gun he uses.  Mckenzie is just a teen girl, and she's facing the prospect of someone stealing her heart.. literally. So she should be more afraid than courageous until she musters the courage as things move one.  Always think character arc and you'll be good.  

_ Lastly, think story beats.  You probably wanna start the movie with Graham in the Engine racing to the fire, and expose things as you go from there.  Most times the 1st face in a movie is either the bad guy, the good guy or someone that ties the good guy or bad guy to the story somehow -- in short by showing the Dr. 1st, my thought mighta been that there would be some kind of subplot between Graham and the Dr. before the end of the movie.  

Sorry to write so much but, hopefully you'll find it helpful.  I at the last 30 pages of the script and see how things are playing out... involving McKenzie in the madness instead of her being safe by dad's side will spice things up intensely.  Anyway, at the end of the day do and follow your heart, moose, and mind -- greatest trust of all, and I know this will be a smash.  The drama, action, and dialog is great... you just gotta add some subplot, and character depth to the good guys.  

I wanna say, I'm just trying to make it like anyone else, so I nor anyone else's word on here is anything more just food for thought.  

Hope this helped.    

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Megn  -  July 9th, 2014, 7:35pm
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Dark Shape
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I managed to trick a production company into optioning CODE BLACK.  Thanks so much for all the feedback, guys.
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JimiLamp
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Congrats, Matt! It's a rad script... sure not too much trickery was involved.
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