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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Sheehund Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Sheehund  (currently 1480 views)
Don
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Sheehund by Brian Carraher - Action, Adventure - A desperate man uses a WWII mini-submarine to commit a diamond robbery in East Tennessee. 104 pages - pdf, format


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bert
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Great concept.  Is this author around?

While you are doing things partially right here -- beginning right in the middle of the action -- at the same time, you've really got no action.

Your opening is the blandest heist I have ever read.

Juice up that opening.  They almost get caught?  Equipment malfunctions?  Are there guards with a timetable for patrolling?  Something.  Anything.

And take off the masks.  We should be meeting our characters here -- and seeing them in action, cleverly working their way through obstacles.

This is too good of a premise for such a paint-by-numbers opening scene.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 13th, 2014, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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I agree,  the story is bordering on high concept. Start with the logline - what force/time restraint is working against the protagonist/in their way? Identify this and incorporate into rewrite.

Gl with this idea
Tony
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