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The Gavel by Rutger Oosterhoff - Action, Adventure - After being framed for murder by their cunning criminology teacher, identical twin sisters – who moonlight as violent vigilantes – must outwit their mentor to clear their names. 101 pages - pdf, format
Hope that someone still wants to take a look at Jerel's screenplay so we can work on it and make it better. For all I know - just scroll through it and tell us what you think about the quality of the "white space". - Rutger
An janitor enters, pushing a mop and bucket, a shower still
STEAMS at the very last stall.
What's a shower still? Ah, got it... a shower still steams. However I wasn't aware that any showers were steaming earlier so this comes as a bolt out of the blue.
A janitor. Not An Janitor. Also janitor should be in uppercase.
Code
Nothing.
I know what you mean here, but it again took me out of the action. Nothing doesn't actually mean anything. Perhaps place.. No reply... there instead.
Code
Confused the janitor walks towards the stall to investigate.
Missing comma after confused. It's also over written. Simply write:
The Janitor walks to the stall and pulls back the curtain.
Code
He pulls the shower curtain back to find a young male
student, JAMESON GRAHAM, early 20’s, athletic.
Lying on the stall floor naked, his throat red, strangled.
The first block reads that he's just in the stall like a normal person. So I get that image. Then you switch that image out for one of him on the floor, strangled to death.
Code
The janitor’s is stricken with the grisly and he runs off.
The Janitor's what is stricken? What's a grisly?
Code
The word “Guilty” has been spray-painted on Jameson’s
forehead with the precision of a stencil.
Again a messy sentence. Stencils don't spray paint anything.
'Guilty' stencilled on Jameson's face in spray paint.
Code
The black paint SWIRLS into the drain as steam rises off the
corpse.
What black paint? It can't be very precise if it's leaking all over the place. The colour is also important for the earlier paragraph.
So:
'Guilty' stencilled on Jameson's face in black spray paint.
That's your opening scene and there is something wrong with every action block. You're going to need to proofread the entire script. Even scripts written well can lose out on reads, so you're not helping yourself here. Perhaps practise with a few shorts till you master it. People here will read shorts far more often than a feature.
If I were you I'd definitely practise with some shorts before coming back to this. You still have lots to learn.
"The Janitor walks to the stall and pulls back the shower curtain to find an athletic male student, JAMESON GRAHAM, early 20’s - lying on the floor naked, his throat red, strangled. "
- or is this sentence too long?"
A mini-slug?:
The Janitor walks to the stall and pulls back the shower curtain to find an athletic male student (-) with or without a bracket?
JAMESON GRAHAM
early 20’s - Lying on the stall floor naked, his throat red, strangled.
Maybe the wrong choice, because Jerel is not using any mini-slugs in the rest of the screenplay.
I'm also not sure if you can only use a mini-slug to show change from one area of a specific building (so to speak) to another. I've seen people use a mini slug to 'introduce characters', but I'm not sure it's correct.
Hanging around here will help. Like I said, write a few shorts first as you will get more reads. It's not easy to write like this, it takes time, dedication and lots of patience. Good to see you have a thick skin. Keep at it. I hope you take my advice regarding the shorts as they will really help you hone your skills.
Hey Dustin, I've written one short, but it's terrible. Have a better version than the one that's on this forum but will post that after we finished the two projects Jerel and I are working on at the moment.
It’s easy to cope with (constructive) critic(s) because I'm not a screenwriter. I can only create concepts. Have some - ok - ideas but need people to work them out. I'm Dutch and hate my own language. So I like my ideas worked out in English.
I'm working on the Multi-media concept "Serial Twins" for more than five years now, so yes, you could say I have thick skin. Or maybe I'm stupid - only time will tell.
PS: Can you still take a look at the questins I asked you,
"The Janitor walks to the stall and pulls back the shower curtain to find an athletic male student, JAMESON GRAHAM, early 20’s - lying on the floor naked, his throat red, strangled. "
- or is this sentence too long?"
That sentence is fine. Try to write per screen image. Usually one image will fit in one sentence, sometimes two.
Quoted from Rutger
A mini-slug?:
The Janitor walks to the stall and pulls back the shower curtain to find an athletic male student (-) with or without a bracket?
JAMESON GRAHAM
early 20’s - Lying on the stall floor naked, his throat red, strangled.
Maybe the wrong choice, because Jerel is not using any mini-slugs in the rest of the screenplay.
I'm also not sure if you can only use a mini-slug to show change from one area of a specific building (so to speak) to another. I've seen people use a mini slug to 'introduce characters', but I'm not sure it's correct.
Mini slugs can work but are usually only used with names when two characters are in different parts of the same scene doing different things. So, imagine a large field and there are two fights going on, one at either end. If you want to switch from one to the other then minis would work well there. Otherwise just write normally.
Thanks Tony, Jerel and I did a lot of standard formatting already, we have to focus on 'sentence construction' (short and direct) and 'unfilmables' now.
Question for you to: "Are we talking 'unfilmables' here and how can I change "we see"?"
Page 5:
The Twins disrobe their ninja gee, unbuckling their belts, peeling back the sweaty black fabric, pulling their masks off, hair frizzy.
KATHRYN PRESCOTT, 23, reserved, intelligent, black hair, reaches into her belt removes her wad of cash.
MEGAN PRESCOTT, 23, witty, dangerous, bleach blonde hair, hands her loot over to her sister. .....................
Kathryn Prescott -- "reserved", "intelligent", are unfilmables?!
Is it not possible that her facial expression shows us she is reserved but intelligent. We as humans 'can' be great 'expression readers'.
Megan Prescott - "witty", "dangerous"
Ok, a facial expression that shows us being "witty "and "dangerous" at the same time, difficult, but impossible? I myself don't think so? What do you think (about possible unfilmables and "we see".) ?!
Thanks Tony, Jerel and I did a lot of standard formatting already, we have to focus on 'sentence construction' (short and direct) and 'unfilmables' now.
Question for you to: "Are we talking 'unfilmables' here and how can I change "we see"?"
Page 5:
The Twins disrobe their ninja gee, unbuckling their belts, peeling back the sweaty black fabric, pulling their masks off, hair frizzy.
KATHRYN PRESCOTT, 23, reserved, intelligent, black hair, reaches into her belt removes her wad of cash.
MEGAN PRESCOTT, 23, witty, dangerous, bleach blonde hair, hands her loot over to her sister. .....................
Kathryn Prescott -- "reserved", "intelligent", are unfilmables?!
Is it not possible that her facial expression shows us she is reserved but intelligent. We as humans 'can' be great 'expression readers'.
Megan Prescott - "witty", "dangerous"
Ok, a facial expression that shows us being "witty "and "dangerous" at the same time, difficult, but impossible? I myself don't think so? What do you think (about possible unfilmables and "we see".) ?!
1. They are unfilmables. 2. Sometimes unfilmables are fine - they can set a tone. 3. In this case, they are not and IMO, harmful. I'll use Kathryn as an example.
I read through page 5 - there was nothing reserved or intelligent in Kathryn's actions, dialogue or surroundings. You can't make up for that by simply telling us that she is. A simple facial expression won't get it either. Nor do we have to get it in a single line.
It's like using a description like this:
Kathryn has black hair. She wishes it was red.
Rather than that unfilmable - you would write Kathryn, black hair, fondles a red wig. Puts it on and looks in the mirror - smiles.
So, in your specific screenplay, let's deal with Kathryn's intelligence. It could have been foreshadowed by things around her (e.g., research books, computers, etc.), or by her dialogue (e.g., "the theory of relativity means...") or by others dialogue (Meagan - "just because you graduated Oxford doesn't mean you can tell me what to do...) or by her actions.
IMO - the problem with using unfilmables for character descriptions or for that matter trying to capture the entirety of their make-up with a single facial expression - creates the real risk that you will not pay attention to the character traits in the action/dialogue in the balance of your script.
"I read through page 5 - there was nothing reserved or intelligent in Kathryn's actions, dialogue or surroundings. You can't make up for that by simply telling us that she is."
You are right. There isn't. But in the rest of the story there is a clear character description. Before Jerel started to write this story I gave him background info and a character description of the twins who I and Robert Arthur Jansen created. The desciption is just not on page 5.
"IMO - the problem with using unfilmables for character descriptions or for that matter trying to capture the entirety of their make-up with a single facial expression - creates the real risk that you will not pay attention to the character traits in the action/dialogue in the balance of your script."
I totally get that. We don't want lazy readers!!
An other try at unfilmables and describing the twins:
..................
The Gavel looks up to the lip of a building and sees [CUT:the]a Figure in identical ninja gee and mask.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
The white walls are blank in a tiny living space, a cheap studio, in a cheaper part of town.
[CUT:The Twins have no intentions of settling in, always on the move.]
A couch with a couple of worn blankets, A TV with a hangar antenna, A table with two laptops, chargers, and a police scanner.
They pull of their masks revealing (-)
IDENTICAL TWINS
hair frizzy - sexy beasts disrobing their ninja gee, unbuckling their belts, peeling back the sweaty black fabric: muscular toned physiques, cruel scars.
1) I just don't know where to naturally put in the collour of their hair 2) I guess you first pull of your mask and then take of your gee. 3) Where to use ; or :
KATHRYN PRESCOTT, 23, reaches into her belt and removes her wad of cash.
MEGAN PRESCOTT hands her loot over to her sister.
MEGAN I shower first.
KATHRYN (impatient) I had to run the farthest to catch the last punk.
MEGAN I had to beat up three all by myself.
KATHRYN Fine.
In sports bra and panties Megan walks to the bathroom [ CUT?: and we hear the shower]running.]
Kathryn [CUT?: , same garbs] sits at the table and [CUT?:begins] counts [CUT?:ing] the crumpled up bills, neatly stacks them and sets to the side. She sags her shoulders while staring at the small stack of bills. [CUT? - A tedious amount of income for disastrous work.]
I'm Dutch so I don't know if the narrative flows...
....................
Page 6:
NEWS HEADLINE: "The Gavel, Friend or Foe?"
Must I use quotation marks? I can't fint the rule in The Hollywood Standard; it only tells me to use quotation marks in newspaper articles and and underscoring in newspaper titles, nothing about news headlines.
HOONER For months now here in the great city of Austin of Texas. Criminals have been found guilty by a vigilante dubbed “The Gavel”. Muggers and rapist have been spraypainted with the word “Guilty” and left incapacitated by the unknown rescuer.
becomes?:
HOONER For months now here in the great city of Austin-Texas (-) criminals have been found guilty by a vigilante dubbed “The Gavel”. Muggers and rapist have been spraypainted with the word “Guilty” and left incapacitated by the unknown rescuer.
Thanks Tony, Jerel and I did a lot of standard formatting already, we have to focus on 'sentence construction' (short and direct) and 'unfilmables' now.
Question for you to: "Are we talking 'unfilmables' here and how can I change "we see"?"
Page 5:
The Twins disrobe their ninja gee, unbuckling their belts, peeling back the sweaty black fabric, pulling their masks off, hair frizzy.
KATHRYN PRESCOTT, 23, reserved, intelligent, black hair, reaches into her belt removes her wad of cash.
MEGAN PRESCOTT, 23, witty, dangerous, bleach blonde hair, hands her loot over to her sister. .....................
Kathryn Prescott -- "reserved", "intelligent", are unfilmables?!
Is it not possible that her facial expression shows us she is reserved but intelligent. We as humans 'can' be great 'expression readers'.
Megan Prescott - "witty", "dangerous"
Ok, a facial expression that shows us being "witty "and "dangerous" at the same time, difficult, but impossible? I myself don't think so? What do you think (about possible unfilmables and "we see".) ?!
I think you are confusing unfilmables with taking liberties. I'm a firm believer that you should only take a few liberties per Screenplay, and I wouldn't use any in the first few paragraphs. You may discourage potential readers.
When you write for instance, what characters are thinking at the moment, that is unfilmable.
When i see a character intro such as MEGAN PRESCOTT, witty, dangerous - the first thing I wonder is how so? Just show me how with dialog / action. If you want to tell people who to cast for the role, don't. Not your job. Smarter people know better.
Or why don't you just not cut yourself short and say: MEGAN PRESCOTT, absolutely the most unforgettable and funniest character in movie history. Her shit doesn't stink and she's more dangerous than a stroke and a brain aneurysm.
... I know what you're saying, but forgive us, we just started (as you can see) re-writing...
Don't tell me you copy-pasted “Megan Prescott" into Google and found out about the English Prescot twins... I had to use an extra “t" for ... ha-ha
I did not want to tell people 'who' to cast for the job, I was just looking for suitable 'twin names' when I found the twins that came close to what I 'already had in my mind’s eye.
I also knew that the protags should not look like the Soska twins and I did not want them to end up dead in a trunk.
"I read through page 5 - there was nothing reserved or intelligent in Kathryn's actions, dialogue or surroundings. You can't make up for that by simply telling us that she is."
You are right. There isn't. But in the rest of the story there is a clear character description. Before Jerel started to write this story I gave him background info and a character description of the twins who I and Robert Arthur Jansen created. The desciption is just not on page 5.
No sheet. of course I did not expect that your character development ended on page 5. You missed the point entirely, which was this - if at page 5 you want me to conclude that Kathryn is reserved and intelligent - there you better have something in the first five pages that indicates that other than just including an unfilmable statement in that regard. One does not have to read pages 6 - 120 to assess the appropriateness of something on page 5.
Quoted Text
"IMO - the problem with using unfilmables for character descriptions or for that matter trying to capture the entirety of their make-up with a single facial expression - creates the real risk that you will not pay attention to the character traits in the action/dialogue in the balance of your script."
[quote]I totally get that. We don't want lazy readers!!
Again - you're off the mark here. I'll try again - If there are things in the balance of your script that leads us to know your character's traits - then there is no need for the unfilmable in the first place. But that wasn't your original question. If it is important that we know she is intelligent by page 5 - then use action or dialogue that leads us to that conclusion - not telling us she is intelligent. If it is not important that we know it by page 5 and would come to learn she is intelligent in later pages - then the answer is the same. You are eventually going to use action or dialogue in later pages to let us know she is intelligent - so what's the need for the unfilmable on page 5?????
As a last note - I would minimize the use of the term lazy readers - you'll end up with a lot less reads cause it will put folks off.
I don't think anyone else has commented on this but I feel like writer has overdone the CAPS in his description. As I understand it, caps should be used for sounds and for key images that are so important that the reader must not miss them by skimming over.
Is "STEAMS" that important? Is "SWIRLS"? I really don't think "The Punk Leader DIGS in his pocket" is warranted. The caps lose their emphasis if you use them this much.
Everyone else is covering the bases; I think the same about this story.
I might go so far as not capping the dead guy. Maybe 20 year old STRANGLED ATHLETE. Forget the red neck. He's dead. Unless he's in a later scene later, alive, keep him nameless. The newscast makes no difference.