Nobody Lives Forever by Darryl Wilkerson Sr. - Action, Thriller - Two young combatant brothers from Detroit, with long criminal history and lust for power and money, want to join Detroit's leading criminal organization "The Historical Society". With no mob connections or ties, they can't become "Made Men" They decide to rob and disrupt the organization's business operations. When the Mob is told who they are, the manhunt is on, and a heavy price is put on their heads. (96 pages /PDF) - pdf, format

I'll get things started.

Your logline is a bit long and convoluted. Something along these lines might be better:

Two ambitious brothers try to get the favourable attention of Detroit's leading criminal organisation by robbing them but soon become the subjects of a manhunt when the mob discovers their identity.

That's by no means perfect, but it's more concise and gets the general idea across. This article has some good tips for writing loglines: http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/.

Also, are there meant to be that many commas in your screenplay? For example, "It's near midnight,in the eight mile section,of "Detroit",where the Carrey Brothers,are waiting to hit another lick and cash in." You don't need one after 'midnight', after 'section', after 'Detroit' or after 'Brothers' - you don't need any in that sentence in fact. They are quite distracting and interrupt the flow. Perhaps you could take a look at that?

The title...queue 007 music...

A lot needs to be looked at. If I had a dollar for every comma and exclamation mark.

Your writing feels young, under 18, and I would venture to say 13. If so, you wrote something and that's good. What you need to do now is school yourself on how to write scripts and the English language, the latter (English) being more important.

Read your character lines out loud. How do they sound? Always yelling? Feel right? Natural?

Your first scene could be cut to two (maybe one) lines of action and two (maybe one) lines of diolgue. The first five pages could be cut to 2, and maybe 1 for all that really happens.

Go read a book or two on screenwriting. Read scripts here, gangster scripts. Learn how to write. There has never been more information at your fingertips so learn from it.

Case in point...is it que or queue? I wasn't sure, but what I did know is I wondered, and I looked it up!