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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Closure Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 19th, 2017, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Closure by Amarjit Bhatti - Action, Adventure - A former East European sex slave crisscrosses the Continent exacting revenge on the men and women who trafficked her. 109 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Anon
Posted: November 19th, 2017, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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I like the concept - straight revenge thriller with an edge.

I think one rule would really help your writing. Each block of writing = one shot.
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Amarjit
Posted: November 20th, 2017, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
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Anon, I'm glad you like the concept.  And thank you for your feedback.  I will take it on board.
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eldave1
Posted: November 20th, 2017, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Your first page is riddled with problems.


Quoted Text
FADE IN:

EXT. BALCONY, WEST END APARTMENT - THE PAST - DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: 'London, England'


You shouldn't put "the past" in your scene heading.

Don't insert a SUPER until you describe something for it to be SUPERIMPOSED over.  i.e., describe what we are seeing and then insert the super.


Quoted Text
We are close up on the face of KATYA BRYNZA, our heroin. She
is 19, blond, blue-eyed and, despite the fact that her looks
have been muted by drug abuse and neglect, still stunning.


No need  for our heroin. No need for she is. just KATYA BRYNZA (19)...


Quoted Text
She is taking deep breaths, steeling herself for something,
trying to summon up courage.


I would lost the she is' and ing words - make it active. e.g.,

She takes deep breaths, steels herself for....


Quoted Text
We pull back to reveal that she is teetering on the outside
ledge of a balcony, her hands gripping the guard rail behind
her. She is wearing nothing more than an expensive silk
gown.


Lose the "we's.

Again -active - not she is teetering. She teeters


Quoted Text
We are at the rear of a modern, luxury apartment block in a
salubrious part of London. Other residences crowd around the
building, but it is late morning and hardly anyone is at
home to witness the spectacle.


Same issues. Also - confusing and long winded - residents crowd around - hardly anyone there. which is it? Best to keep it simple. e.g., a half dozen RESIDENTS crowd around...


Quoted Text
Four stories below, in the car park, is a large dumpster
filled to the brim and topped-off with a discarded mattress.
Katya decides she has no choice, it's now or never, she has
to jump.


The last sentence is unfilmable


Quoted Text
She closes her eyes and leaps off the balcony, crash landing
on the mattress below. The fall winds her, but she knows she
can't afford to lose a second, can't pause to catch her
breath, so she immediately hauls herself out of the dumpster
and starts to run, barefoot, as if her life depends on it.


she knows = unfilmable. Also this should now be a new scene.


Quoted Text
She races out of the car park and onto a back street, before
turning the corner onto another much longer road. She looks
over her shoulder at regular intervals as she runs, to make
sure she's not being followed.


And this needs to be another scene - every time you change locations you need a scene heading.


Quoted Text
JORGI and FATOS, two Kosovan heavies, all gang tattoos and
muscle under their smart black suits, burst out of the main
entrance of the apartment block and spill onto the pavement.


This is now another scene. It requires a heading.


Quoted Text
Katya turns left onto another nondescript road devoid of any
memorable landmarks or pedestrians. She spots a car
approaching and runs out into the road to flag it down.


And another scene heading.

You are missing basic script format protocols - google a little on scene headings - take a look at a couple of scripts and I think you'll get it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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