Salvation by Sanjay Prasad Paudel - Action, Adventure - In a war-torn Himalayan world divided by a stolen sacred text, a forbidden love between a Dolpa prince and a Tibetan princess sparks hope for peace, until betrayal plunges both nations back into chaos, and only the truth, revealed through ancient wisdom and sacrifice, can restore salvation to a broken land. 154 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi all,

I will really value your feedback on my screenplay entitled Salvation, a war epic set amidst the Himalayas, with a love, betrayal, spiritual awakening, and redemption plot. The story explores how ancient beliefs and human emotions collide amidst political conflict and amidst claiming cultural identity.

I am open to all kinds of feedback, be it story, structure, pacing, dialogue, character development, and overall flow. For any thoughts on how the script reads, what works for you, and what doesn't, I am really grateful.

Thank you in advance for investing time in having a read and sharing impressions. I look forward to your insights and discussion.

Best, Sanjay Prasad Paudel
sanjaypdpaudel@gmail.com

Dear Sanjay,
maybe have a V.O. as to what mission the Horserider is on and why The Lady is being taken against her will. Without context these are just two action scenes. The Monk's exposition (scene 2) should mostly be over shown action IMHO. S6 we only know he is the Lady's Fiance because we read his name. S9 needs to be much shorter War! No! negotiation; many voices rise in dissent. Onwards to a harvest festival then a horse race.

You like your epic scenes and cast of thousands! I read to page 25. Maybe your 154 page saga (34 pages over a traditional length) is too much to draw comment.
The plot arc is uncertain and the big action sequences don't have clear outcomes. I'm certain you know where this is going but that's not how it reads. Ask yourself why each scene is in place and what does it show (it's about showing not telling.)
Maybe simplifing the number of characters would sharpen the storylines. I believe you can edit your first 25 pages to about six;- then this will have a pace of action & adventure.
All best --

Dear Reviewer,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read Salvation and for giving such a considered response. I really appreciate that you read as far as page 25 and gave your honest impressions.

Your comments on exposition and pacing are really helpful. I agree that the Monk's exposition in Scene 2 can be more visual—that is, show not tell—and I will rewrite that section with a view to making the information revelatory through action and behavior rather than through dialogue. Also taken on board is your comment on the Horserider's mission and, equally importantly, the reason for the Lady's predicament; a V.O. perhaps or an earlier establishing scene may make those opening scenes clearer and more accessible.

I have also taken note of your comments regarding script length and the focus on a smaller number of characters. This was originally a big, epic piece that I now realize could be trimmed down in terms of the number of characters and reduced to perhaps tighten up some of those early pages. I will definitely consider how to trim and refine the first act to achieve that sense of momentum and clarity.

Thank you again for your words of encouragement and for offering your constructive insights. It’s always valuable to hear how the story reads to a fresh set of eyes. Your observations have given me clear direction for my next revision.

With appreciation,
Sanjay Prasad Paudel