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Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas on how I can better improve this INTERCUT scene. Although it's not revealed in this particular scene, and It will have people guessing. She is sniffing powder, and by her popping up into view, I was wondering if I introduced it properly? Is it flowing right? Did I properly use the INTERCUT method? I'm already aware the margins are not correct... this is just a rough draft.
INT. - CURADOR - SYMPHONY’S OFFICE - DAY
Johan holding a folder, and is excited. A purse and cell phone lay in the chair near the bathroom door.
INT. - SYMPHONY’S OFFICE BATHROOM - SAME
Inside appears to be empty, total quietness.
INTERCUT - OFFICE/BATHROOM
JOHAN (knocking on the door) Symphony... baby, hurry up. I got some good news.
The bathroom still appearing empty, up pops Symphony into view. She’s startled.
SYMPHONY I...I’ll be out in a minute.
She opens a drawer, and pushed something noisily inside.
JOHAN You okay in there?
Symphony walks out of the bathroom.
SYMPHONY Yeah... what’s going on?
Thanks,
Dawn
"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels Infest the Crotch of the Person Who Screws Up Your Day and May Their Arms Be Too Short to Scratch"
Well, there are lots of problems going on here with what you posted, but to address your actual question about an intercut...
I always am against them, as to me they represent lazy writing. For me, it's very confusing and just not necessary, but it appears to be OK, in how you formatted the actual intercut.
Otherwise, you have incorrect tenses being used, really awkward phrasing, poor grammar, pretty much all of it doesn't rad well, sorry to say.
Thank you Mcornetto, for responding so quickly. I was so focused on editing my question, and didn't realized I had a comment already. Some times I can be a perfectionist. Thanks again... I really like your suggestion.
"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels Infest the Crotch of the Person Who Screws Up Your Day and May Their Arms Be Too Short to Scratch"
Well, there are lots of problems going on here with what you posted, but to address your actual question about an intercut...
I always am against them, as to me they represent lazy writing. For me, it's very confusing and just not necessary, but it appears to be OK, in how you formatted the actual intercut.
Otherwise, you have incorrect tenses being used, really awkward phrasing, poor grammar, pretty much all of it doesn't rad well, sorry to say.
Let's see what others have to say...
Thank you Dreamscale... However in this world, in a normal conversation... most people talk in incomplete sentences and not so perfect grammar. Thank you though.
"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels Infest the Crotch of the Person Who Screws Up Your Day and May Their Arms Be Too Short to Scratch"
I'm not talking about your dialogue in any way. I'm referring to your action/description lines.
I thought about it last night while I attempted sleep, and I do have to agree with you. Please do not misconstrued what I'm about to say as a threat because I did not get that upset. When writing my action/description... my primary job (911-Operator) tends to come into play. It's straight to the point, and literally no if, and, buts about it. For example: Man stabbed in chest with scissors vs. Someone stabbed a man in his chest, using a pair of scissors. I guess I was trying to be a little too lean in my writing. So far I have written 36 pages. I do plan on going back and making those corrections ASAP. I apologize for getting too defensive because I can handle constructive criticism.
Thanks,
Dawn
"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels Infest the Crotch of the Person Who Screws Up Your Day and May Their Arms Be Too Short to Scratch"