All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
EXT. STREET-EVENING Keith and Dave are walking beside each other and Colm and Mark are at the back of them. Dave is walking with chip bag under his arm. KEITH Why how much drink did you get? DAVE Two bottles of Devil’s spit. KEITH That is nasty shit. Dave laughs. DAVE Cheap and nasty shit but does the job. Dave and Keith walk in silence. In the background Colm picks up a metal bar he finds on the ground. While he is walking he is playing with the bar as Mark watches him. KEITH How much is Gumbo paying? Dave and Keith walk under lamppost that is shinning onto the street. DAVE Three hundred each. KEITH That’s not bad. DAVE Not bad for one days work. Mark and Colm pass by lamppost, which Colm impulsively hits with the metal bar created a roaring smash of metal. Keith and Mark look back.
I am new to script writing but I did a bit in college I was wondering would this pass as okay or what would you say I am doing wrong?
Logged
Dreamscale
Posted: August 4th, 2011, 6:18pm
Guest User
It seems to be formatted properly.
You'll want to do away with the passive verbiage, though, for sure - ing verbs.
"Keith and Dave walk beside each other. Colm and Mark bring up the rear."
Write your lines as complete sentences - don't omit "a", or "the", etc.
"Dave has a bag of chips in his hand."
Write in the present tense.
"They pass by a lamppost, which Colm impulsively whacks with the metal bar, creating a roaring smash of metal on metal."
Agree with Jeff there - most important thing to do is get rid of the "ing" words. All verbs (at least as much as possible) should be active. I'd make the dialogue a bit more casual, but that's just my tastes... For instance...
EXT. STREET-EVENING Keith and Dave walk beside each other. Colm and Mark trail a few steps behind. Dave totes a chip bag, carried under his arm.
KEITH How much drink you get?
DAVE Two bottles of Devil’s spit.
KEITH Nasty s***, man.
Dave laughs.
DAVE Cheap and nasty - but it does the job.
Dave and Keith walk in silence. Colm picks up a metal bar from the ground, plays with it as Mark watches.
KEITH How much is Gumbo paying?
They approach a lamppost - the sole source of light in a dark street.
DAVE Three hundred each.
KEITH Not bad.
DAVE Sure, for one days work.
CRASH. Colm slams the metal bar against the lampost. The sound echoes down the street.