Hey guys and gals! I'm new to the boards here. I was wondering if you guys could critique this short film I was in! All reviews are welcomed. Thanks!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXnNhX8JClY

I didn't really think the music went with this piece very well. I like the fact that it seems like he's going to get karma back although I think the writer used cussing more than necessary.

One thing that I didn't like was the whole running out of gas and now my phone lost signal cliches. Gotta be more original. Of course, this isn't your fault but the writers.

He's walking to get gas I assume cuz he has the tank yet all the sudden it turns dark and he just happens to have a flashlight??? A bit hard to believe he'd be carrying that big flashlight.

And I'm not sure why something is chasing him and he's scared. The end is creepy...good job. I just think the story lacks and it's not your fault but the writers IMO for this.

Overall not a bad job. It's hard to put together a short...any short really. So good job.

Quoted from Pale Yellow I didn't really think the music went with this piece very well. I like the fact that it seems like he's going to get karma back although I think the writer used cussing more than necessary. One thing that I didn't like was the whole running out of gas and now my phone lost signal cliches. Gotta be more original. Of course, this isn't your fault but the writers. He's walking to get gas I assume cuz he has the tank yet all the sudden it turns dark and he just happens to have a flashlight??? A bit hard to believe he'd be carrying that big flashlight. And I'm not sure why something is chasing him and he's scared. The end is creepy...good job. I just think the story lacks and it's not your fault but the writers IMO for this. Overall not a bad job. It's hard to put together a short...any short really. So good job.

Thank you so much for the feedback, I greatly appreciate it! I played the monster at the end and thought it was pretty cool haha. I will let the rest of my team know! Thanks again!

Hi there,  Welcome to the site.  SS is a great site, IF you are willing to accept that you need help to reach your full potential.

I saw your story and sadly wasn't very impressed.  I didn't care for the needless swearing.  I couldn't hear the girlfriend on the phone.  

Watching it a second time, here are my notes:

1.  The music doesn't really fit the essence of the story.

2.  Too much time is spent outside on the car.  You have a 4 min story and lets face it, the shots showing the car are filler and do nothing to add to the story.

3.  When you film something, each shot should add to the overall story.  Each scene, dialog etc should have some reason to exist.  If it doesn't, then it should be cut.

4.  Wow 2 cliches.  BAD.  Very bad.  Gotta be original, like Dena said.  She's very smart and has done films.

5.  So, he's flipping through papers, not paying attention etc.  WHY???  What does this have to do?  If you're trying to establish he's an asshole, well, okay, I guess.  But, for a 4 min story,  you devote too much time, IMO, to showing him being an asshole.

6.  Why does he keep looking at those papers for the entire piece?  It makes no sense.  

7.  I can barely hear her, and again, what's the point, unless it's to show him being a jerk?  

8.  And the flashback serves no purpose, we get it, he's a jerk.  He doesn't deserve to die, right?

9.  Why wouldn't he just google for the nearest gas station?

10.  This is a pretty big problem.  He's driving during the day.  You establish that he needs gas.  Suddenly, it's almost dusk night??  Really?

11.  I don't see why he'd turn off the main road.  When you do a short, you have to have it make common sense.  This kid is a total brain dead moron.  I know that's the part he was given, but, the writing has to be better.

12.  The creature is outside.  No walls, not even a fence.  What keeps it in?  Why doesn't it run off?  And where did he get the flashlight?  

It's not a terrible story, it does have one or 2 little jump scares, but, the writing needs to be stronger.  I know you played the creature, so, you have no say, but, tell them to write a deeper story.  Deeper doesn't mean longer.  It means that it makes more sense.  

He's the protag.  And he's highly unlikeable.  Not a good combo.  Why do we care if he gets torn to bits by a creature?  Thats a flaw in the writing.

I'd give it a C.  It was average.  Spend more time developing the story, and less time on stuff that doesn't matter.  How many times can we see him rifling through his papers?  Or being a jerk?  Why is he in this town?  Did they set him up on purpose to be eaten by the creature?

Good luck
Dan

Quoted from DanC Hi there,  Welcome to the site.  SS is a great site, IF you are willing to accept that you need help to reach your full potential. Good luck Dan

Thank you so much Dan! I am definitely willing to accept criticism. Again, I will pass this along to the writer. We are definitely in the learning process. Thanks again
I will give a quick overview of the film incase it didn't come out as clear as he had hoped. So he is going on a business trip (hence the paper fiddling), goes to rent a car, he was rude so she gave him a car with not much gas, pulls over looking for gas and finds a bloody flashlight in a tree. Then he finds out why its bloody, because of the creature.
I am with you though. I do feel as though it was a tad rushed...

Had a quick look.

My problem here is that it doesn't really make that much sense. Why does the monster attack him? There's no real story. Just a man driving, getting annoyed, then gets attacked. It needs more.

I know this isn't down to you, but if you're interested in writing it is definitely something you can learn from.

Best of luck,

Glenn.

Quoted from IamGlenn Had a quick look. Best of luck, Glenn.

Thanks Glenn! I am interested in writing as well as acting, I appreciate this. Thanks!