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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    General Boards    Questions or Comments  ›  Feedback on a logline
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Arturo
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi. I created a logline for a romantic comedy and know it stills need more work.
I would appreciate your feedback about the idea to see if it make sense to continue working on it.

"After a perfectionist school psychologist loses her job, during the great recession, she joins a multilevel company where she meets a broke personal trainer. After a successful start, she will have to decide whether to keep escalating positions at the company or join the trainer in a fight due to a product that could be potentially deadly to customers."

Thank you very much for your comments.

Arturo
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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It's far too long and detailed as stands.

Try something like:

A school psychologist teams up with a broke personal trainer, but their relationship...




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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FrankM
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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A logline needs to be short, but it should also convey the primary conflict in the story.

So a starting point: An unemployed psychologist must choose between success at her new career or fighting for what she knows is right.

Best of luck!


Family feature: Who Wants to Be a Princess?
Sci-Fi short trilogy: Timmy
Horror anthology/feature: Glass House
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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And also this aspect is what should be incorporated somehow:

a product that could be potentially deadly to customers




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LC
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Arturo, the word 'deadly' and the content of your logline in general doesn't exactly bring to mind: Romantic Comedy.

Are you sure that's what this is?

Welcome to SS, btw.



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Arturo
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi. Thank you for the replies!

If this does not sound as a romantic comedy, do you think the story would work in a different genre (detective, maybe?)
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LC
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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From the little bit that you've said this sounds more specific to genres of Crime, Thriller, Mystery, Drama.


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FrankM
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Arturo, the word 'deadly' and the content of your logline in general doesn't exactly bring to mind: Romantic Comedy.

Are you sure that's what this is?


Have you seen the OWC entries?


Family feature: Who Wants to Be a Princess?
Sci-Fi short trilogy: Timmy
Horror anthology/feature: Glass House
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LC
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM
Have you seen the OWC entries?

Perhaps Arturo read them too and got confused.



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Libby for catching that!!!

I had completely forgot about the genre itself and was focussing on the words themselves.

Indeed, when we analyze this one it doesn't sound like a Rom Com.

This is ( my cat just threw up and I lost my train of thought!)

This is a similar problem I'm having with something I'm working on. It's not a logline problem, but it has to do with tone.

I think it has to do with the fact that I'm not a serious person and yet what I'm working on is "supposed" to be serious.

I have the feeling I'm not in my element there, but I'm crazy enough to try.

Anyways, back to the logline problem... Maybe just keep writing and just re-post this a little ways down the road. That way you don't feel stumped and get a negative vibe. Just keep writing. It will sort itself out.



Sandra



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from LC

Perhaps Arturo read them too and got confused.



That is such a cute comment!

Arturo, we will all try to work this confusion out.

There are some good comments in the threads by Pia and others
re the more strict definitions of a Rom Com, but yes, it sounds to
me that your script in progress has the vibe of something more like a crime drama.



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Lon
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, way too long.

25-35 words (a few extra won't hurt, but make them count).  Include the situation, the protagonist, their goal, and the complication that may prevent them from achieving it.  And do your best to convey the genre with tone.

Situation -  Starting a new job
Protagonist -- Lady psychologist
Goal - climb the corporate ladder
Complication - She falls for a co-worker who wants to stop the company from producing a bad product

Throw 'em all together, and be sure to convey that it's a romantic comedy without just saying "It's a romantic comedy."

First, though -- I'm curious, does her being a psychologist come into play at all?  Does it matter what her last job was, or is it more important that she is determined to succeed at this new job?  You can add another level of complication to the logline if you paint her as career-driven.

After finding success at her new job, an aspiring career woman must choose between her dream of climbing the corporate ladder, or love -- in the form of a man intent on exposing the company's immoral practices.  What's a gal to do?

Eh, 41 words.  Close enough.  Anyway, you get the idea.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Lon


First, though -- I'm curious, does her being a psychologist come into play at all?  Does it matter what her last job was, or is it more important that she is determined to succeed at this new job?  You can add another level of complication to the logline if you paint her as career-driven.

After finding success at her new job, an aspiring career woman must choose between her dream of climbing the corporate ladder, or love -- in the form of a man intent on exposing the company's immoral practices.  What's a gal to do?



Good job, Lon!!! That's what I was thinking, but didn't pursue it: The question of "How important is this backstory biz... the school psychologist etc... Frank wrote in his version "unemployed" and I thought that was good. Yeah, I like the word you've got there: "choose".  






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Arturo
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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"After finding success at her new job, an aspiring career woman must choose between her dream of climbing the corporate ladder, or love -- in the form of a man intent on exposing the company's immoral practices.  What's a gal to do?"

This is a good version of what I had in mind!

"Does it matter what her last job was, or is it more important that she is determined to succeed at this new job?" You are right. Her last job is not as important as her trait: she is determined and perfectionist; she wants to prove her worthiness with her achievements.

It is great to get some feedback. I really appreciate everybody's comments!




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Arturo
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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@Sandra: " Maybe just keep writing and just re-post this a little ways down the road. That way you don't feel stumped and get a negative vibe"

I will be improving the logline with all the advice. No negative vibe at all   I am learning and humble enough to listen and learn.

Thanks!
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