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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Shiva - Discussion Part 3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Shiva - Discussion Part 3  (currently 5385 views)
mcornetto
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Well done Dreamscale.

Tracksheet is updated.  It's George's turn.  Only four characters left.  Two from each tribe.  George can work with both tribes at this point so any one of them can go.

Stay tuned.
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MBCgirl
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Should we be posting our comments here or on the discussion board that is 22 pages long?


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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mcornetto
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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You should be posting your comments here.  The other discussion board is locked.
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MBCgirl
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Gottcha   

Cheers to Dreamscale for bringing some "action and strength" into the female characters in this scene of the game.  I'm so glad you used Sam's Rugers and Leona's shotgun!

I love Leona's final statement...and that you left it there.  

From what I had read about the Primitives they seemed to be based in chaos...waterfall going the wrong direction...killing Wolf and yellow eyes...and those snakes...aside from the fact that they really don't seem to be protecting what we seek - SHIVA.

Our path is now clear to meet those that remain from the other tribe...Cordelia and Piscceeeee   

We have life coursing through our veins!!!

Well done Dreamscale!


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Glad you liked it.  I wasn't sure what you'd say when I sent it over to you.  I kind of knew that you'd like Sam's badass side, but wanted to hear what you thought about what others will think.  I guess we still have to wait and see.

Girl Power, huh?????????
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MBCgirl
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure what others will think...it's hard to tell.  I do like that you inserted the fact that Sam had a feeling about where the Primitives were taking them.  

Not sure how all of this will play out, before I am able to write my next post...so Sam could be gone in the next post...but at least she and Leona had a moment. A part of me wants to stop and put water from the falls on Leona's leg and watch it heal

Time will tell how this all plays out and works together for the ending


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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MBCgirl
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Oh...I just checked...George is up next and then Cornetto and then vote...so I've had my two turns   Oh well I will just sit back and read!


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
My finger nails should look nice while I type - Red works!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Hello Jeff,

I've just read your scene after listening to a three hour vacuum cleaner sales pitch. On the upside I really thought the sales guy was such a sweet young man and did a fantastic presentation, but my head is going "la-la-la-la" right now. Or is it, "da-da-da-da".

Anyways, first off, I like how you gave the leader a name: Yellow Eyes. Good job with that.

I'm not sure whether these particular Primitives are Blasphemers or not, but that's another story.

The action sequence was well done IMHO. The only problem I have with it, (but again, it's nothing that can't be fixed) is that it's very out of the blue. But Ste had that same problem with his kill. It's just plain hard right now.

I almost feel like these two ladies could be a couple of super heroes. The high power is really good if it's set up that one was in the military or cadets or something growing up and the other has martial arts training, but since they were with a rather large group of Primitives, I don't think they could take them all down without special training. They could take some down with the firepower, but I don't think all.

Perhaps it might have been more discreet. Perhaps, one of them might have seduced them with a little hanky panky behind the main camp under the sound of a crackling fire? A sneak attack?

Maybe the two lead males even had that in mind when they captured them? What kind of male Primitive wouldn't look upon such a couple of fine Godesses as a perfect opportunity to sow some seed?

Just a thought.

The scene worked well otherwise I think. Especially from an action standpoint. And you worked hard with the locations and the new bridge versus the old bridge.

I'm wondering about The Primitives though: Whatever they were protecting... as Yellow Eyes had mocked: "What we protect." We'll never know.

Lots to think about here that's for sure.

Sandra









A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Orange
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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I was wondering where my shotgun was in all this. I was also wondeirng when the leg would be mentioned. Good job with tying those things in.

Anyway...this is random, I know...but
I think trying to put what we have into a more cohesive body of work will present us with major complications in terms of character and story flow but that can be discussed once everything is said and done and the game has ended...but i just thought I would put that out there.
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George Willson
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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You know, I'm not sure that Timber counts as the kill since he's part of Wolf who was killed in the last turn. I liked the scene. Don't get me wrong. But I think you cheated on the kill meaning I would have to double up on the next turn.

Does that sound right?


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mcornetto
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Once anyone gets to rewrite this they can pretty much decide how to approach it. Though built into the exercise is a very natural way of doing so.  Each of the storylines is isolated, at least until now, and they could very easily be split off into their own film.

There's three different films in here just waiting to be plucked out.  More if you use different combinations of story threads.  
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mcornetto
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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George,  Alffy's kill was used in his first turn.  There are only two kills left in the game.  One for you and one for me.
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George Willson
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 12:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
George,  Alffy's kill was used in his first turn.  There are only two kills left in the game.  One for you and one for me.


Ah, fair enough. Missed that one.

I would still take the mini-series approach and split it into a few parts about 90 pages each. Don't know if I'd subdivide the parts into acts at this stage or not.

And was there a challenge or any special instructions for me at this stage? It's just me and you, buddy.


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mcornetto
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Get us closer to the Rainbow bridge.  
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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Wait, I'm confused. I had a guy named Yellow Eyes in my last scene, but he got killed. Why would you write another Yellow Eyes?  lol. Minor point.

We're already nearing the end!

--Julio
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