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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  The Official Review My Logline Thread Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The Official Review My Logline Thread  (currently 11568 views)
eldave1
Posted: March 15th, 2016, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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I will echo Libby's comments here. You have to me more specific.

What kind of boy is he (rich, poor, autistic, spoiled, brilliant,, etc?. What are the mishaps and why would one believe that they are world changing? Most folks eventually discovers who they are and what is truly important in life. It sounds like filler that could be attached to hundreds of stories.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BSaunders
Posted: March 15th, 2016, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Man, I got no idea how to write those things, haha. #SlapsOwnFace


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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eldave1
Posted: March 16th, 2016, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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It is a difficult challenge


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SpokenWord
Posted: March 17th, 2016, 1:48am Report to Moderator
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Here's another...

(Comedy Variety Series Episode, 30 Min)

Jack and Jill meet for the first time after that fateful day on the hill... in a courtroom. Jack, the scar on his crown forever serving as a reminder of his tumble, must defend himself against Jill's accusations of malicious hill-pushing.
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BSaunders
Posted: March 17th, 2016, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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I reckon thats gold.


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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SpokenWord
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Derivative (action/comedy)

Bullets fly and hostages are taken at William Morris Agency, when a down and out screenwriter's threatening manifesto is mistaken as a spec script and returned to him marked "Derivative".
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eldave1
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SpokenWord
Derivative (action/comedy)

Bullets fly and hostages are taken at William Morris Agency, when a down and out screenwriter's threatening manifesto is mistaken as a spec script and returned to him marked "Derivative".


First - I already like the premise.

I would say something about what the manifesto is about. Juat making up an example - something like -

, when a down and out screenwriter's manifesto on the lack of originality in scripts....


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SpokenWord
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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"When his threatening manifesto on the bureaucracy of Hollywood is mistaken as a spec script and returned marked "derivative," a down and out screenwriter hatches a scheme that will guarantee him a captive audience."
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Dustin
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 5:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SpokenWord
"When his threatening manifesto on the bureaucracy of Hollywood is mistaken as a spec script and returned marked "derivative," a down and out screenwriter hatches a scheme that will guarantee him a captive audience."


I feel that the 'threatening' part before manifesto disrupts the flow of the log, prevents it from rolling off the tongue. You would be better off describing the type of bureaucracy rather than the manifesto (bloated, for example). Or even, just dropping it altogether.

When his manifesto on the bureaucracy of Hollywood is mistaken as a spec script and returned marked "derivative," a down and out screenwriter hatches a scheme that will guarantee him a captive audience.

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eldave1
Posted: March 23rd, 2016, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


I feel that the 'threatening' part before manifesto disrupts the flow of the log, prevents it from rolling off the tongue. You would be better off describing the type of bureaucracy rather than the manifesto (bloated, for example). Or even, just dropping it altogether.

When his manifesto on the bureaucracy of Hollywood is mistaken as a spec script and returned marked "derivative," a down and out screenwriter hatches a scheme that will guarantee him a captive audience.



This is good, IMO


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BSaunders
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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ALRIGHT!

Here we go,

Numero uno:

A brilliant, but different boy becomes a man through a series of close deaths and failures while touching the lives of many as he tries to find true happiness.

Numero dos:

A famous watch featured in an exhibit is the prime target of four sets of cunning thieves as they make their destructive paths towards the timepiece and each other.


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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eldave1
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
A brilliant, but different boy becomes a man through a series of close deaths and failures while touching the lives of many as he tries to find true happiness.


I would tell us what different is and you really don't need the "but" unless it is contrary to brilliant.

e.g., if he is introverted = a brilliant, introverted boy...

Give us a hint of what the close deaths and failures are - otherwise - the logline does not distinguish this from hundreds of other coming of age movies

"touch the lives" - how? Does he save them form danger?

Be more specific on "true happiness" - everyone makes this journey - (no one seeks deep sadness) - So what is his happiness - mend relationship with father? Accept physical shortcomings? Finally decides to pursue his career as a wrestler?

Always hard to comment on these not knowing any of the specifics of the story




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SpokenWord
Posted: April 20th, 2016, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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Logline: When her 7 year old daughter develops a life threatening neurological disorder, a mother must contend with the legal system, pharmaceutical industry and her own husband, in order to find the only treatment that works: Marijuana.

Tone: Lorenzo's Oil x Philadelphia x My Sister's Keeper x Erin Brokovich x Losing Isaiah

Looooong story short: A man and woman meet in college, fall in love and the woman becomes pregnant. She quits school and has the baby(a daughter), while the man finishes school and they are married. Mom becomes a stay at home mom, dad gets a job in xyz field.

When the daughter approaches the age of 7, she begins to have grand mal seizures of an unknown cause. Many medical tests, medical trials, drug side effects, and financial troubles ensue. This causes a great rift between the husband and the wife who, in a fit of total desperation, turns to medical marijuana. In Texas. When her husband finds out, he is furious at his wife for giving their child "drugs like heroin" and he leaves her, immediately filing a restraining order against the wife on behalf of his daughter.

A legal battle ensues, as a mother must fight against all odds to get her daughter the treatment she so desperately needs, as her next seizure could be her last.
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eldave1
Posted: April 21st, 2016, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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In terms of the logline: I think it's pretty good other that I would replace

"a mother must contend with"  with "a mother must battle"

In terms of the story. There is much to like. You got a ticking time bomb, an innocent kid in peril and an ordinary person fighting power.

But, it did strike me as dated by about 20 years. Even Texas is issuing licenses for low dosages in 2016. Two States have legalized recreational use and medical usage is prevalent. I just think it's a tough sell (assuming the story is told in the present) medical marijuana just ain't the big deal it used to be. Also a tough sell that a father would let his daughter suffer/die over such a small issue. i.e., I love everything but the marijuana angle.

Best of luck.  



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
Posted: April 21st, 2016, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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You don't have anything about restraining order in your logline. I would include that, it gives the script some more detail and adds to the urgency.
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