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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  The 2010 Simply Script 7 week Feature challenge Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    The 2010 Simply Script 7 week Feature challenge  (currently 36835 views)
Dreamscale
Posted: August 16th, 2010, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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Just don't delete all my witty comments and asides...
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Coding Herman
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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What do you guys think about unfilmables in character's introduction?

I have quite a few in mine.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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RayW
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coding Herman
What do you guys think about unfilmables in character's introduction?

I have quite a few in mine.


Dreamscale may flay you.

This is one of the tricky things I'm finding out about this community at Simply Scripts.

On the one hand, big six studio reader quality attention to professional industry detail is enforced by the Simply Script Samurai.

On the other hand, the material reviewed here largely rides the rails through the camp of independent production where strict adherence to studio standards doesn't apply.

It's an interesting mash-up.



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bert
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coding Herman
What do you guys think about unfilmables in character's introduction?


It is considered lazy -- at any point in your script -- but the fact that you would ask makes me wonder if you fully understand what you are asking.

A few (lazy) examples to illustrate how (most) readers here will respond to such things:


*  Joe (36) walks down the street and smiles at everyone he meets.  He seems to be a very happy guy.

This is fine.

*  Joe (36) has a very good attitude about life, and smiles at everything.  He is smiling right now.

This treads the line.  Most will not care.  Some will.

*  Joe (36) used to be a cop, but now he is a school teacher, and feels much better about his life.  He is always happy, and really loves his dog, Sparky.

Most will set your script aside at this point.

Learn where to draw the line.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Coding Herman
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Mine tends towards the second example.

You know how when you see a person for the first time, you can kinda feel and tell what type of person he/she is? Something that you can tell in addition to what they are wearing and what their hairstyle is.

Can you explain further what I don't understand when I ask that question, please?


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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The Simply Script Samurai...damn,I like that!

I don't like unfilmables, though, and I hate asides...which brings up a really good point, that may help.

An unfilmable is an aside, and an aside is an unfilmable.  The 2 are not necessarily the same thing, but they can be, and usually are, IMO.

An unfilmable is exactly what the name implies...something that cannot be filmed, or probably better, something in the script that doesn't transfer to film.

An aside is when the writer wants to show his witty side and write little commentary into the script.  IT is almost always unfilmable in nature, and 100% extremely irritating.

So what are the differences?  Unfilmables are extra information that won't transfer to the filmed version of the script, thus being a waste of space, and also amateurish. Asides are unfilmables purposely placed within the script to show how witty and funny the writer thinks he is, but are actually a waste of space and for me the deathblow to a script.
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khamanna
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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Herman I suggest you let us see the "unfilmables" you're talking about.

I have a couple of them.

My examples:

"Their exchange leaves Lee confused. He wrinkles his forehead - it doesn’t make sense - Cole is her husband and entitled to the key."

and

"Cole freezes. A thought registers. He holds his hand out for the knife - he’s ready to do a round of shuffling for the crooked man."

If someone wishes to comment on these please do. I intend to leave them in for the first draft at least though. And then let's see.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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These are unfilmable asides, Khamanna.  The only thing they have going for them is that at least they aren't intended to be witty and humorous.

They should both go for sure, though.

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RayW
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Howdy, khamanna


Quoted from khamanna
"Their exchange leaves Lee confused. He wrinkles his forehead - it doesn’t make sense - Cole is her husband and entitled to the key."

and

"Cole freezes. A thought registers. He holds his hand out for the knife - he’s ready to do a round of shuffling for the crooked man."


All things considered, if I may be so bold:

Lee looks confused, he wrinkles his forehead.
Up until this point the reader/viewing audience should have been able to figure out crystal clear both A: Cole is her husband and B: he is entitled to the key.
If not, re-work to spoon feed the reader/viewing audience before you get here.

Cole freezes then holds his hand out for the knife.
In the next few lines the reader/audience is about to see Cole shuffling for the crooked man or demonstrate a waiting willingness.
No need to tell people what is about to happen - and then show them.




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khamanna
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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What I think about these is:

I'm not sure if I need the first one. Lee is confused hearing Cole's conversation with his wife. I chose to explain why - either I don't trust the reader maybe or I don't trust the moment but I chose to explain why, only because the script is a maze.

The second one: I wouldn't miss it if it wasn't there. Again, chose to explain what Cole extends his hand for. For the knife. On screen you would understand right away. On paper - I don't know. I'm lazy myself, I like when everything is chewed up nicely and put into my brain.

My script is complicated as is or I wouldn't have them.




Here's a sample of a bad (IMO) aside from my script which I'm planning to scratch today:

"Cole makes a faint sound and it’s obvious that he can talk if he makes an effort."

BAD because he's going to talk next...
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khamanna
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, thanks Dreamscale and Ray.

We all basically agree on the same, I'm just being stubborn on leaving them in
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khamanna
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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On second thought I'll probably get rid of the one about the knife too.
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RayW
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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How should dialog to switch attention between two or more other characters?

               NEAL
     (to Dick) That's a nice shirt, Dick. (to Bob)
     You should get one of those. (to Dick)
     Where'd you get this?



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Dreamscale
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Well, 1 way is like you posted, with wrylies, but it's irritating, wrylies take up an entire line on their own, and the more you use them, the more quickly your script will get tossed.  Also, your first example is redundant as well, as you have a wrylie (to Dick) as well as "Dick" in the actual dialogue.

Another way is through action lines...Dick turns to Neal.

Using a name in actual dialogue is good, as long as it makes sense for the character to address the person that way.

Basically, you don't want to overdo or overuse anything, especially wrylies!.

In a big group of people, stick to what works in reality, and that's using a name of some kind, or using a gesture.



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khamanna
Posted: August 17th, 2010, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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You could have it this way (IMO)

Neal points toward Dick:
                          NEAL
     That's a nice shirt.
     Hey Bob, you should get one of those.
     Where'd you get this, Dick?

or maybe:

                       NEAL
     Where'd you get this, Dick?
     Hey Bob, you should get one of those.
    

                  




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