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Good challenge, boys. Wow, hard to imagine two more completely different stories.
I liked how A used very spare description, making it a very quick and easy read. A few problems popped up for me, though. Who is Judah? If there's an explanation for that "flashback sequence" I missed it. Also, why would they be speaking in Tongan if this is in Africa? Tonga is a Polynesian island a few thousand miles away.
B I felt was technically better written, but it didn't offer any surprises. Without giving anything away, I guessed the identity of the girl by page 3. Still, the writing was sharp and you could feel the sting of this bum's despondence. Wish it could have had a bit more closure at the end.
No sense in pretending whose script is whose. Grainy vs bold slugs. I think I got whupped. Definitely gonna have to vote for the other guy. I liked the "recovery" aspect of the story. And the way she left him hanging in the valley of decision was a real gut punch. It rang true.
Congrats (through grit teeth)
Quoted from Dreamscale
The map is barely in either script. A, hardly even remotely involved. B, right at the end.
I didn't think we had to "use" a map. Just show it.
Good show on getting a script written for the challenge within the time allotted.
Despite the sparse writing I found A a bit hard to follow. Also, as Ryan mentioned Tongan should have been something like Swahili. That's where the term Simba comes from. Also, there was no mention of a map - unless I missed it.
B didn't really rock my world either. Not that it was bad, just kind of average. It mentions the map but only at the very end. I guess what's on the map is important to the story.
I voted for B - because the map use was more apparent so it followed the contest parameters better and because it didn't have any glaring geographical errors.
I've helped people before and had it backfire on me...and this story hit home...even though they were animals and I love the names (btw) ....I could relate to this one.
cool story.
B was good too but I think more was needed to make me side with one or the other. Just din't connect with those characters as much.
Bearing in mind you had, what was it 24/48hrs, they're not bad. That really isn't long.
Oh the decision, the decision, I think I'm going to cry....
To be honest the map thing was largely irrelevant in both so I couldn't decide on that basis.
I only had the chance to read once, so may have missed things. It was genuinely close, but I voted A.
Unlike Michael, I kinda felt I knew what was happening in A. Whilst B was simpler (easy to film isn't a criteria for judging this I believe, but they are very different in that respect) the essence of the girl confused me and wasn't wholly resolved. She in a uniform, black finger nails tell us something about her, but I never worked out what that was.
The darkness suggests an evil motive, yet it appears she is the daughter provides a road map to help. It is a novel way to help someone by offering them chance to kill themselves. Ok, and I am fully aware of this, those who are down on their luck frequently don't take the good options in front of them. A jolt could help to see the light. Yet, he has been so belittled in the process, in my experience, this would not have helped a vulnerable person. So the reason for my rambling, is that buying INTO these characters is the core of this idea and I struggled a touch.
May have to re read to see if I missed something.
The African one, jumps about, has a few strange things, but kept my attention. I did like the, "I love doing that line".
Was there meant to be references to other films? I got that in A, missed the scene in B. which film?
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Liked what A had to say, though in terms of story, B had the edge for me. Found it harder to identify with the characters of A; while the writing of B pulled me into the scene a little more. That said ‘An Empty Chamber’ title kind of gives the game away.
Two good shorts, but it's B for me.
Steve.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
With some work on the script, this story WILL be filmed. If it's posted where small producers and filmers can see it, there is no doubt it will be.
I feel like some tweaks are needed, and I'm not quite sure what they are at the moment. Sorry I can't be more helpful.
I'll see if I can try.
First I want to discuss the character description of Juliana. It's irrelevant to the story, but this bugged me to the point where it distracted my read for the next few pages. And I probably make this kind of mistake in my work all the time.
"The black nail polish and the facial pirecings tell you who she really is."
It does? I had no idea what this meant. My first thought was a prostitute. But the description said "who" not "what". And what do black nail polish and piercings have to do with prostitution? Sounds more like a Goth to me.
So as I read, that description echoes in my mind. It distracts. Even now that I'm done, all I can deduce is prostitution, and that's more from the cash she had.
All this is easily fixed by saying she's "a young prostitute".
The lesson I learned and hope to watch for in my own work is: if you're going to be clever with a description, fine, but make sure things are clear. Lack of clarity is a killer.
The only other problem I had was the cash for killing himself part. That might be a mute point, as she only begins with the cash, but then moves into explaining to him why he should kill himself.
The concept is great! That's why I am sure it will be filmed. Most of the writing is very good too. So I'm definbitely high on this script.
There are no strict rules about how to use a signature item. However, it should be used enough to feel like it is part of the story rather than feeling like it was just thrown in to meet the requirement.
A lotta people, myself included, wear black fingernail polish. So that description was a lil weird for me in story B ....
I also felt story B could've had a more effective ending if it ended after she told him he didn't have the courage. That was really sort of a twist to me... just thinking out loud.
Both stories had a positive message to send, so I liked that aspect of it.
B was a little more grounded in reality, so that nudges it ahead a little more right there for me. It was a little hard to imagine how A was going to be shot, whether it was an animation cartoon, CGI, or actual footage of real animals with V.O.
Also, based on the map, B does utilize the map just a little more. The map in A seemed like it was thrown in and didn't move the story, while in B, it's at least a way he can get better.
Quoted from kevin
why did the lion save the buffalo?
I got the impression the lion saved the buffalo because the other buffalo had saved him before, so he was just paying it forward.
Again, I liked the messages both stories had, it's just that B edges it out a little more for me.
When such a challenge takes place, there has to be a way to prevent writers from using pre-written material that is, in theory, better, because it wasn't written in a hurry, on the fly. So, here we had a a map that had to be used.
When I originally saw this, I started thinking about what I would write and quickly came up with what I thought was a very cool story which literally revolved around a map - it was the central idea behind the entire story.
A had a single throw away line about a map and if the line wasn't in there, the script would literally be no different whatsoever.
B brings a map in at the very end, but it really has nothing to do with the story, either.
A started off pretty well but quickly went downhill for me with the abundant inconsistencies. The Tonga thing made zero sense. The Flashback was shoehorned in and felt so out of place. The name Simba was goofy. The moral of the story was way too heavy handed.
B didn't work much better for me, but at least the map did come into play. Offering money for shooting and killing yourself makes zero sense. Really, the whole premise for me was quite foolish and unbelievable. It went for a horror-type tone but the elements of horror were never present.
I voted for B strictly because A did not include a map in the story, only a line in the script.
Call me a prick but I am so far from impressed with either of these.
Ok, thanks Mark. I went back and looked, and what I didn't catch the first time was the flashback in the slug.
A couple months ago, Brett posted a link to an article by a studio reader, or producer, and the guy mentioned how he never reads the slugs.
When I saw that, I was like...aha! Because I am guilty of a tendency to skip them myself. I've tried to train myself not to skip, but apparently it remains a weakness.
Consider that there are other Bozos like me and that producer, and keep that in mind when writing slugs. Might be worth the extra line of using BEGIN FLASHBACK.
Anyway, I get it now, thanks for clearing it up.
I also wonder if there should be a transition into that flash. How would they show that in film? How would we know it was a flash?
Glad to see some friendly sabre rattling again on the site. Good on you two for throwing your gauntlets into the ring!
Screenplay A
Smooth. Clear. When the flashback ended was a tad unclear to me. The irony of how survival works was pretty cool. I dig the scope of it. But had some ancillary characters.
Screenplay B
Clever enough premise that this will get filmed. Had an easier time visualizing this one. Talking heads with a gun works. Kept me reading.
I think the map should have also enclosed a way to find the girl. Directions from the rehab joint to where the girl works, something like that. Like the focus of the two. Kept me reading all the way through.
I vote for: B
Great job guys. Two super smooth and clear reads from SS vets!
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
The way I read it, the map is just an item in the story, not a theme, so I can't see how you can say neither script met the parameters.
James
That's how I saw it.
Quoted from mcornetto
There are no strict rules about how to use a signature item. However, it should be used enough to feel like it is part of the story rather than feeling like it was just thrown in to meet the requirement.
If I knew this I would gone a whole nother angle. I declare a rematch.
The money part in story B bothers me a little less than on first read. Here's the reason:
Had the bum not pulled the trigger, he would not have fulfilled the contract, so not been given the cash by his daughter. That's the theory anyway.
The idea is he had to kill his old self, the self pettying bum, and be reborn. So if he is willing to do that, she will pay him to clean up. I think.
And it has to be a choice. That's why she leaves the gun, gives him a bullet.
I do think something is lacking and needs to be adjusted, not sure what, but it has excellent potential. Worth playing with by the writer, and then putting out there to be filmed.
Both were not really open and shut shorts so it was a close call as A had humor I liked.
My choice was made when Juliana tipped her hand about him getting cleaned up. It might have been his daughter and having a daughter similar in nature tipped my vote that way.
I believe so. SR you may have been allowed back...well maybe.
Well done both, inspiring a good debate, all from scripts written in a few hours. In fact in that time I would be still work in progress rather than a draft!
What this says to me is...
...WE NEED AN OWC!!
In terms of the scripts, whilst I voted A, I believe B could be the better script and definitely has more potential in terms of being filmed. Just needs the clarity that Kevin and I agree on.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Congrats to both of you for getting your scripts done in the short time and they're both pretty good. The map plays little part in either but that's no big deal.
Not sure if we're suppose to state our vote I voted for B...just. Close call.
Well done to you both.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Both good reads -- close call and couldn't really make my mind up - went for A, but then not too sure, but can't change my mind. I quite like the moral it had to it (even if it's been done before) - packed quite a bit into a short - the flashback made sense to me - there were, I assumed two different Buffalo? Some of B's - better written, and more edge - was predictable. I kept on going 'and this'll happen' - that might have taken the edge off it for me.
Pointless having the 'maps' bit in - might as well have said they got to have clothes on?
I do not, but I do think this is a good writing exercise. Some people think writing under these conditions is ridiculous, but watch The Making of Southpark - 6 Days to Air. These guys write under the gun every week!
Would like to see two other people take up the challenge. Me and SR, M. Alexander, have a long history. We'll always battle.
It is so close for me. I really enjoyed them both. Script A had an awesome little message and was written extremely well. As for Script B, an even stronger message, but I didn't feel it was written as well as A. It's a close call.
Screenwriting is all about the story and not the way it is written. For that reason, I'm going for B.
Well done to both the writers. I don't think I could have done better than either of you
Congrats to both of you for submitting a screenplay. However, the winner of this challenge is James (A/26.32%, B/73.68%). So and extra congrats to him.
As a note: If you want to challenge someone on the boards - see if they want to take the challenge and then contact me about setting up the showdown.
Congrats to both of you for submitting a screenplay. However, the winner of this challenge is James (A/26.32%, B/73.68%). So and extra congrats to him.
As a note: If you want to challenge someone on the boards - see if they want to take the challenge and then contact me about setting up the showdown.
Yeah, I got spanked. My hat's off to Jwent.. Although I believe I took a greater risk story-wise. But James' story definitely packed a powerful punch.
What else can I say? Not much!
Thanks to Ryan for pointing out that Tongan blunder. I googled Zambia and it came up as Tongan being one of the languages spoken there. Apparently I should've done just a little more research on that one!
As a note: If you want to challenge someone on the boards - see if they want to take the challenge and then contact me about setting up the showdown.
Probably not too many people here who call each other out like me and Michael. Maybe they should just message you their names if they want to give it a go? Then set up the challenge?
FYI, these are usually far more specific as far as challenge parameters. This was pretty wide open.
My hat's off to Jwent.. Although I believe I took a greater risk story-wise. But James' story definitely packed a powerful punch.
Thanks, and I did really enjoy your story. I didn't shoot bigger on purpose, I've watched every one of these showdowns and the winners are usually the simplest as far as scenes and characters. You only have five pages to get to the meat of the story!
I blew it on Juliana's character description in retrospect. Kevin called me out and I have to agree.
I am out for next round, but I may ask Michael if I can pick the challenge parameters for the next duel. Eitherway, it'd still be 1-5pgs in less than 48hrs.
Congrats to both - and (though the voting is over), have to say I'm particularly impressed with James' script - clean writing, some great descriptive phrases in it...and a story with heart/human poignancy. Nice!
I'd argue that next round, there should be a *bit* more in the way of guidelines...the two stories were far too divergent to judge side by side...
Congratulations to two quality submissions under a tight deadline.
For this challenge, I would have given my vote by a lash to James. I thought he wrote the cleaner, more production-ready script. The story is pretty good, albeit predictable. Michael's script seemed a bit loose and the map element really felt like a throw-in. But "Ferocious" had a wonderful fable-like quality. While James won the challenge, Michael wins for scope and potential.
Michael, I would have given you my vote had you done two things, (1) trusted your instincts and relied on your strengths, and (2) moved the map from a B-story afterthought, to the A story catalyst.
Take the story beyond a 5-page short and imagine the possibilities of journey, prophecy and enlightenment. I see all of that in a rewrite, should you be inclined. Good luck.
Congrats to James and Michael for two excellent scripts, especially considering the time you had to get an idea and put it down on the page.
I’ve read both and thought they were well written and good touching stories.
Kudos to James though for coming out on top - good stuff.
Wish I could have voted but oh well – my fault for going away.
On a side note, I would like to say welcome back Michael, never had the pleasure before so nice to finally say hello officially... no kisses this time though.
Vote for A or B
Author
Showdown #13 James vs Michael - CONGRATULATING
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