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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Pia's and Dena's short film...help! Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Pia's and Dena's short film...help!  (currently 6207 views)
Angry Bear
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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Well Ray, I guess your comment gives old people like me hope that we can still get laid.

Regarding this project, I have decided to ditch the mansion and instead stick with the burning car.  More traumatic and visually interesting.


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LC
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
...Regarding this project, I have decided to ditch the mansion and instead stick with the burning car.  More traumatic and visually interesting.

Really? Are you serious? I hope you are.

More to the point on the type of film you want to write/film I was reminded of a few of the scenes in Crash (2005) - particularly the scene between Matt Dillon and Thandie Newton's characters when she's trapped under the burning car and becomes hysterical because in the prev. scene he molests her on the premise of patting her down. Tormentor turns saviour.

And, The Accused - Jodie Forster - the guys in the bar doing nothing and in fact encouraging the rape that's going on - and them finally facing charges and being found culpable of reckless endangerment. Both really powerful scenes/films.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing" - that appears to be one of your themes.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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Pia

a few quick thoughts.

just showing how people react may lack some punch. it could feel like a news report, mind you that found footage feel may be an option.

could you throw in some irony like the victim is a blogger/reporter and they get a taste of their own medicine

or a reporter goes to film a good news story, say a new charity, only for the crash to happen outside and they become more interested in filming that. the charity could even have its own ironic feel - injured people, home for the depressed/addicts who have become remote from society, wounded soldiers etc etc

just thoughts

cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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I like HERO, with Dustin Hoffman.  The guy who doesn't like anyone, goes back into the crashed plane to save a bunch of people and of course doesn't get credit for it.  Maybe something like that where the guy who doesn't ever want to get involved with people ends up saving them.

Just a thought.  Good luck with this.


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RayW
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
Well Ray, I guess your comment gives old people like me hope that we can still get laid.

Stop it.  

"Old people" doink all the time.
It's even a "problem" in the assisted living community, not only between accountable adults (married to each other or not) but also between the dementia residents and those that are not.

Personality is waaaaaaay more relevant than "generally accepted standards of attractiveness."

Beautiful b!tch or cool former soccer mom?  Hmm...

Code

INT. LATE MODEL MINIVAN - DAY
Rear seats are folded down, a blanket and conforter cover the flat space.

EMILY, fifties, former soccer mom, fools and fusses with her semi-unbuttoned 
blouse atop RON, forties, blue collar engineer of some sort, mesmerised by her--

			RON
		Your'e a hot mess.

She stops, flashes a grin at him, resumes fussing.

			RON
		What are you doing?

			EMILY
		Hiding the damage four
		kids have done to my body.

Ron places a gentle hand on hers to still them. He smiles.

			RON
		It's okay.

He unbuttons her blouse and gazes at her. Emily holds her breath.

			RON
		You're beautiful. Your 
		children are beautiful.

Emily exhales. Ron engages her examining eyes, brushes aside a lock of her 
salon colored hair.

			RON
		These are battle scars of
		my warrior queen. They make 
		you beautiful.

Emily's grin turns into infectious smile.

			EMILY
		YOUR warrior queen?! What 
		makes you even THINK that
		I'm yours?!

			RON
		Will you be my warrior 
		queen?

			EMILY
		Hmm... Show me your sword. 



     



Quoted from Angry Bear
Regarding this project, I have decided to ditch the mansion and instead stick with the burning car.  More traumatic and visually interesting.

Certainly more visually interesting.

Burning car.
Perilous, expensive, yet lotsa fun!

Vehicle.
Stunt coordinator.
INSURANCE!
Fire department.
Location.
Weather.

Should be really really fun.

I like Reef's suggestion of an ironic tale of a reporter who "reports the news, not becomes the news" ironically finds herself indeed becoming the news, receiving the same spectator sheeple indifference she meted out herself.

Karma, baby.






Code

EXT. LATE MODEL MINIVAN - DAY
The suspension gets a workout.

			EMILY
		YES! YES! YES! YES!




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Angry Bear
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Ray....you crack me up sometimes!  

Bill, it will definitely not be just a recording of people's reaction. We are story tellers!!!    I think the point I was thinking of is that how society  has changed. Someone sees a horrific event, films it rather than helping out and then can't wait to post it on Youtube, FB or whatever. Like Libby said, all for their own five seconds of fame.

Ray,

get a car that's worth nothing.
The car doesn't have to move. Just burn well.
I never do anything without insurance.
Fire department and maybe police too. Here's where I think people don't realize that they work for us. The public. They can't say no, unless it's illegal or too dangerous.
Location? A two lane country road. Easement along road belongs to county or state.
Weather??? We live in Florida!!  


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RayW
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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If you don't like the weather - just wait ten minutes!


Navy boot camp in Orlando was meteorologicaly educational.



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DanC
Posted: April 5th, 2015, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there,
    I read the script and I wanted to make a few comments:

Oh, spoilers!!

1.  I've done some local filmmaking stuff, so, this should be pretty easy to shoot, except for the mummified baby.  Not sure where you get one of those

2.  I don't think you go enough into the story.  Let me explain deeper.

I love the guy waking up.  He's had a fun night and now, he's in hell.  But, it's kinda poorly done.  We realize too easily that she's nuts.  I knew she was nuts before the "reveal."

Why not work in as if he really was in an accident first.  Perhaps he's waking up from a big bump on his head b/c she hit him with a shovel and he's actually forgotten what had happened to him.  I think that'd be easy to adjust.

Work it in that he was hurt somehow (most likely by her) and he has really forgotten something, and then work out his previous failed attempt at an escape in the reveal.

I think the story could be much more compelling b/c then we, the reader, has no clue if she's nuts, he is, they both are etc.  

Some plot issues:
If it's a recording, then the baby eating makes no sense.  He'd have to wake up at the exact time the recording plays that.  I say you open with that, the sound of mom taking care of her child.

Perhaps you could even have him try to use her baby as a hostage or do the psycho thing reveal and let him try to save the baby from his psycho mama and then die.  There are lots of ways you can alter it.

I know you have a very limited budget and you want to keep it short (under 10 min) so, with lots of dialog, that's no more then 15 pages.  So, be smart and I think you have a winner!!


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Angry Bear
Posted: April 6th, 2015, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much for reading Dan! I appreciate the comments and suggestions!

This script would definitely be rewritten if we were going to use it. I wrote it several years ago. Right after I posted this, the filmmaker that first filmed it, asked me if he could re-film it. He felt he is such a better filmmaker now, he's a pro no, that he wanted to give it a second chance with his new skills, equipment and gear. I said yes of course, but I haven't heard anything lately. If they dont do anything with it, we will be using this and Dena and I will rewrite it.

Thank you again.  


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DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2017, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Hey guys, whatever came out of this?  Anything I can do to help?


Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Angry Bear
Posted: March 19th, 2017, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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Could still happen. We're planning on shooting two shorts this year. We want to get better before we tackle a feature. Filmmaking can be tricky though. Especially when budget is limited, so who knows what will happen.  


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pale yellow
Posted: March 19th, 2017, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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We managed to make a torch-throwing pumpkin last year so who knows? Heck, we managed to shoot TWO scripts in one weekend(two days). Agree.....still a possibility.


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