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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Pia's and Dena's short film...help! Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Pia's and Dena's short film...help!  (currently 6474 views)
Angry Bear
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hello everyone!

For those of you who follow me or Dena on FB, you probably already know that we are planning to co-produce/co-direct a short film this year. We have as of this morning decided on a script. It's an old one of mine titled Daddy's Home. I wrote it many years ago so the writing style and and telling is quite different than how I would've written it today. We would of course want this script to be as good as it possibly can and what better place to turn for help than here at SS?

One reason we chose this script is because it requires only two actors and a house...and a mummy baby... Make no mistake however, this is by no means a talking head script. What appeals to us is the controlled environment. There should be no surprises or extra difficulties due to lighting or sound or location related stuff. If all goes well, we'd like to enter it to some festivals.  

If anyone feels like giving it a read, it will be hugely appreciated!

Daddy's Home


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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I'll read it, you two.

Off to the gym first, though...


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Scar Tissue Films
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Read it before, and seen two different versions of it...an animated one and a film version.


It's very good. When I first read it, I thought it felt too much like Misery in tone, but the film's are nothing at all alike.

One of the most memorable horror stories I've read, and I've I've read many, many thousands, believe me.
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marnieml
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Pia...you are sick. This was  a quick read and very easy to visualize. I think you two picked a really good one to film.

A few suggestions as I read...

Pg. 4 -- I don't think you need Jill to say "Oh where are you going?" -- David seeing her reaction would make him explain. -- And I think Jill's dialog, when she tells him about his accident, sounds a bit forced. Maybe after she says "not this again"...she can start calmly clearing the table as she explains what happened. Like she has to do this all the time and it's just part of a routine.

Pg. 5 - I don't think you need her to say, "you don't remember me...I'm your wife." -- I think it would have more impact to start when she looks at his finger and sees his ring is gone.

Also on pg. 5/6 -- I wondered after I read the whole thing, why it was so easy for him to leave out of the front door when she went through the trouble to put bars on the bedroom windows and lock the bedroom door. Maybe just have her clank him in the head as he tries to leave. Frying pans are good for that. LOL.

Pg. 7 -- David says "I'm going to get seriously pissed at you"...This came across odd. He already seems pretty pissed. Maybe think about having him say something else.

On page 7, I wondered what he actually remembered when he woke up that morning. When he saw the bra and all that...did he think it was someone he just picked up and had sex with? If so, maybe instead of him saying "I don't even know your name", give us something that helps us understand what he thinks is going on.

Also on pg 7 -- I like when David shifts and tells her he remembers...maybe slow that down a little because it happens pretty fast and I think we'd like to see him attempt to out smart her. Maybe make it look like its working a little...maybe she softens a bit.

I love the ending. Awesome.

I hope that helped a little. I can't wait to see the finished product!!  


  
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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OK, Pia and Dena, I read it.  I don't think I've read it before.

Writing-wise, it's littered with mistakes of all kinds, on every page, but since you're filming this yourself, I highly doubt you care, so I won't say a word.  Written way back in 2008, huh?  Damn, how things change...

Conceptually, I like it.  But in terms of what's in the script itself, I think there's lots of room for improvement, especially in the dialogue.

Jill's dialogue for the most part is OK, as long as your actress plays her with some odd quirks.

David's dialogue can use some work.  I don't think much of what he says really sounds believable.

I also don't think his actions are very believable.

Finally, like many movies in the horror/thriller genre, this relies on timing elements that are far from real - I'm talking about Jill's "sudden" arrival at key moments to surprise/capture David, as well as plot points that are tough to swallow - David having a safety pin in his pants and a scissors being available in the room he's supposedly locked in.

The story/plot is solid, although somewhat cliche, IMO.  But that's fine, as it does work, and ends on a very creepy and sinister shot.

The ending is the strength here for sure.  Once it's clear what's going on, it falls into cliche territory and nothing really stands out.  My advice would be to keep us in the dark as long as possible before letting us in on Jill being a psycho, and then pad that final scene as long as possible before revealing the graves.

Hope this helps.


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Angry Bear
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Rick, yes, it has been filmed twice before. It's been years though, so it's okay for us to give it another shot, I think. Need a better title though so the films don't get mixed up.  

Marnie and Jeff, thanks for your input. I want to read all the comments here before I read the script. I haven't read it in years and I'll probably cringe when I do. My writing has changed a lot. The rewrite will also be more place specific once we find a suitable location. I appreciate your comment about the bars on the window, but somehow it's easy to get out the front door. It's quite common though for houses in less desirable neighborhoods to have burglar bars. Keep people out, but not in. Details like that are easy fixes.

I'm sure the dialogue will make my face red of embarrassment when I reread this. Much appreciated to point those out.

Cliche's? Yes, Jeff. Lots of it, I'm sure. Hopefully we can take care of that. We both like the concept here, we just wanted to ask for help to make it the best we can.

Btw, I had forgot about this script, but someone alerted me about a feature titled Amnesiac yesterday starring Kate Boswick. Apparently it's VERY similar to this short. So, I wanted to make it before that film comes out so no one can accuse me of plagiarism.

Thanks guys!  


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Heretic
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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It's a great script, of course.

I'd try to cut a couple pages, personally -- under twelve (or even ten) minutes is probably best for festivals, if you're going that route. The story is awesome but, as Jeff notes, once we understand that Jill's crazy, there's not a ton going on that we haven't seen before, and I would think everything after the reveal could be short(er) and sweet.

I hope you can find a super sexy guy for the lead. That'll help the story a lot in the opening minutes, especially with the first few visuals, and then the contrast with the plainer woman.

Also similar to Jeff, I found that a lot of the guy's dialogue doesn't much work for me -- mostly I think there's a lot of unnecessary stuff in the second half. "She's nuts," "You're insane," "There is no baby," etc. The less the dude speaks, the better, I think. The big moment is very strong and clear -- it doesn't need to be explained further.

On the page, I'm feeling like the possibility that Jill is telling the truth needs to be punched up a bit. We want to think she could definitely be the sane one, at least for a moment. Though a lot of that is in the performances, too, so I don't know what you two have planned.

Looking forward to this, you two!


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EWall433
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia, gave this a look-see.

In general, I really liked this, but that’s not why we’re here  

I had a bit of a hard time connecting to David in the beginning just because I wasn’t sure what he was experiencing. I’m guessing he woke up thinking he’d had a wild one night stand, but for a few pages the idea that he knew Jill, maybe was even dating her but just not married to her, seemed plausible.

I noticed Chris mentioned trying to cut a few pages and when I thought about where you might do that I realized that David basically “escapes” twice and it seems a bit repetitious. It also potentially kills the momentum to have him knocked out and wake up again. Lastly, it more or less gives Jill away as a psycho. I can’t imagine any loving wife (besides my own) hitting her husband in the head with a shovel.

So I ended up with an alternate scenario floating around in my head. You can use as little or as much as you want (of course)...

David wakes up looking like he’s hungover. He’s already cuffed to the bed.  It’s a mess. Bra and panties on the ceiling fan (“Looks like I had fun last night”). He sees the wedding ring (“Uh… too much fun”).

[I know some people have issues with characters talking to themselves. I think it works within reason. I see it in movies all the time and consider it the actor’s responsibility to sell. People do it all the time in real life as well. Talking to yourself isn’t crazy. Talking to yourself while other people are in the room… that’s crazy.]

Then Jill would come in and try to sell this story about David being drunk on their first date and getting hit by a car or something and having amnesia. Without any calendars around, it might seem plausible that what he remembers as last night’s drunken stupor was actually something that occurred many moons ago. It may also make more sense from her perspective. We have no idea how she “acquired” him, but she might want to be cautious with him in the beginning.

Now this scenario may be more ‘talking heads’ than you want. Alot of it depends on Jill convincing David that, ‘Yes this is really happening. Yes, we’re really married. Yes, we have a baby together.” Eventually she’d trust him enough to let him free, but tell him not to go into the baby’s room (she’s sleeping). And of course his curiosity would get the better of him…

It might also be a bit more ghoulish to have David buy into the lie completely (or near to it). Have him go in there excited to see his child for the first time, then BAM… here comes Mummy.

Anyway, that’s just where I went with it. I feel bad pointing out a ‘problem’ and not offering a potential solution. It’s definitely a strong concept. And that final image is killer.

Good luck to both of you!
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stevie
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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I had a idea for an alternate ending Pia?  After the shot of the graves, perhaps have a closeup of David waking up suddenly in fright. Then Jill sits up next to him asking if everyone is alright.
Or maybe even another woman -possibly his real wife, who knows - is there!
Then we see his hand still cuffed to the bed.  Did he dream some of it? What is real and what is isn't?

Anyway good luck with it!


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LC
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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That's not a bad idea of Stevie's... the endless loop kinda thing and it might work in with a couple of my suggestions. Obviously just ignore if they're not at all where you're going with this...

What I'd like to see more of is horror and shocks. The mummified baby reveal is a little too sedate considering the great setup - David turns the recorder off, reaches over, pulls the blanket away... I mean you can hear the music and feel the tension here but then it's diluted.

This reads to me as Misery meets Eraserhead meets Whatever Happened To Baby Jane.

It may not be the way you want to go but when David pulls back the blanket this should be the first pivotal horror moment.

I want to see something horrible - or at least it be alluded to more graphically - mummified suggests it's been there quite some time and it's impact in terms of gore/shock will be lessened - the graves in the woods suggest this has happened many times over...

So make it a 'fresh kill' - if you still want the swathe of bandages give me some visible blood/gore and perhaps some flies buzzing around - or when David enters the room a sound he can't at first identify - the sound of flies, and as he gets closer they all rise into the air and swarm around.

Combine the 'mess with David's head' component with the graphic. Perhaps Jill doesn't serve him bacon and eggs at all - or perhaps for a moment he at least sees the food as something else - he has been hit in the head presumably at a previous time - so play with your audience. Is what he's seeing real or not. Perhaps after the ghastly vision he has of what she's done - he looks again and there's nothing in the crib. Is he around the bend or is she? At the very least don't reveal her as being whacky quite so soon.

Jmh for what it's worth.



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pale yellow
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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I am thinking it will film faster than the page count....I really like the twist at the end. When Pia told me about this one...I was definitely like ...hell yeah let's do this one...Love a twisted person and psychological type stories. And this one is nice and dark. It is a lot like Misery but it's different enough IMO and I really think we can do this!!

Excited about seeing this come together. Can't wait to find the right cast for this... I have a guy in mind Pia! I'll send you his bio/resume tomorrow or show you when we skype over the weekend.

Very excited to be a part of actual production too...really gives a writer a different outlook on actually writing IMO.


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stevie
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Some great suggestions there Lib!


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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no title page......sorry, i'm out

It's funny but I've been rewriting scripts for producers recently and its quite a different mind set. Forget the nice words, forget the orphans, transitions, slugs etc etc just get the effing story down and CLEAR.

Now lets have a look...

nigh stand ??

as a matter of interest how many people can break open cuffs with a safety pin??

the dead baby is in keeping with the tone but i felt i could see that coming - may be one to add an age to?

overall i think you have a good tone, and the story is in keeping. I would just suggest you challenge yourselves to use the 'same but different'  mantra to avoid being too predictable

a few random suggestions

- make us more confused about him, who is the right one?

- could it be the baby birthday, so to speak - not sure where that goes but it could confuse and lead to other reactions and emotions

- could it be that she presents him as auditioning to be the new daddy, rather than being told he is. bit of a reversal, but just an idea. this could then lead him from desperate to get away to desperate to play along  (until he can escape) e.g. baby birthday party - creepy and intense

all the best with this


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khamanna
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 5:24am Report to Moderator
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Lol, Pia - it was quite funny at the end. I laughed quite a bit.

P3 "I know, eggs and bacon is your favorite" - sounds a bit forced to my ear.
Also, it seems strange that she left the door open from the very beginning. I'd thin he needs to be cuffed from the get go or something. Or maybe the door to his bedroom is locked. Or maybe she should be around somewhere.

When he opened the cuff with a safety pin - I don't know. Must be a huge and sturdy safety pin then. But looks like he works in jail or something if he can do that. Maybe he does...

That's a great ending. Overall this kept me on my toes.
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pale yellow
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Khamanna ...could be that he worked at the jail or even as a policeman..would be interesting to see someone like 'this' that normally catches the 'bad guys' ..being caught in his own spider's web....good suggestion...and could be shown with hardly any dialogue or backstory...simply a badge by the nightstand..him looking for his piece or whatever.

Great suggestions to all of you ....Bill you too. Thank you.


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Angry Bear
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for all the suggestions!  

Yes, we will try to get the sexiest hottest guy we can find! And he'll be totally safe because we're two nice little old ladies...     Kidding of course. We're nothing but! Good suggestion and I think you're right that he should be hot in contrast with her who's not.

Libby, the mummy baby, I always envisioned as being filmed like the mummy mommy in Psycho. Using the same technique too. Can't remember right now if you pull back at the same time as you zoom in or the other way around. Gives a sense of panic and claustrophobia.

I still haven't read this, but will do so this weekend. I'm thinking I'd like to see this somewhere around 5-7 pages. And definitely not a funny script.

Eric, I'll definitely try to make this script more clear. I think I'm a bit better as a writer than I was back then. And with Dena by my side, I think this will turnout great.

Thanks everyone!  


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LC
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
Libby, the mummy baby, I always envisioned as being filmed like the mummy mommy in Psycho. Using the same technique too. Can't remember right now if you pull back at the same time as you zoom in or the other way around. Gives a sense of panic and claustrophobia.

Gotcha. Should do the trick.


Quoted from Angry Bear
We will try to get the sexiest hottest guy we can find!

In that case count me in as your target demographic.  





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DS
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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First of all, best of luck to both of you with this project. Hope it turns out great.

Gave the script a read - my thoughts:

I like the premise and think it's an interesting one. I most enjoyed the opening and ending scenes. I think the perspective that it's approached from is very well handled, the reader/viewer waking up with David, knowing as little as he does. The ending scene was definitely chilling and the stand-out of the script. What was in the middle however, I didn't like as much.

The fact that Jill's story was bogus was too obvious, too soon. It feels like a waste of the plot point to me. I think this script could play around the paranoia and uncertainty longer and with a bigger attempt to make both sides seem plausible, being more engaging. Otherwise, it's rather stale imo.

Anyways, I really liked the visual of David getting out of the house and finding himself in the middle of nowhere. I think the shovel could be replaced with say, a needle. It would avoid the "bang on the head" cliche and show Jill being ready to handle such situations. If Jill is going around kidnapping dozens of daddy candidates, she's got to be prepared to contain them when necessary. A sedative will do the trick.

The other thing that didn't sit right with me was David's dialogue. It felt off most of the time and David's character also seems plain, more like a story device rather than a character. I'll reference a few moments that I thought didn't work about the dialogue the most.

DAVID
What accident?. What are you
talking about? - I think one of these should be dropped.

DAVID
I have no idea what you're talking
about. I work at Baxter's
construction and we have a meeting
today about a building that's
cracking in its foundation. - Bringing out his job like that didn't really sit right with me. Sounds like unnecessary exposition and considering David's creeped out anyway and will imagine he just had a one-night stand, would he really tell her where he works? I also think it would be more interesting if the meeting was a blatant lie.

DAVID
This is what's fucking wrong! Get
me loose right now or I'm gonna get
seriously pissed at you! - "Or I'm gonna get seriously pissed at you" sounds somewhat like a 7 year old having a go at their parents while careful not to lose any allowance into the swear jar and really is odd in the context.

DAVID
Fuck!! - He says fuck and rattles the bed right after trying to convince Jill that he remembers? Good chance she'd hear.

DAVID
(to himself)
She's fucking nuts. - Goes without saying and needing a thinking out loud moment.

Hope this helped.

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Dreamscale
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 10:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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The filmed version will definitely be shorter than it appears on the page...and I agree it shouldn't run over 10 minutes.

I disagree about getting a "sexy" dude to play the role, however.  I think it should be reversed - the dude is average looking and the girl is smoking hot, which would make sense how she could get all these dudes in the first place.

I'd also highly recommend that this smoking hot, super sexy babe be nude while cooking breakfast. It would really punch that scene up and make it much more entertaining.

In fact, taking this a step further, have her nude or at least topless as they eat breakfast, and that way, the dude won't be in such a hurry to go.

I remember back in college having nude dinners with chicks and how much fun it was.  It was also a hilarious story to bring up at parties that no one would believe unless someone else who was aware of it was there to back it up.

The world needs to see this play out on film!!    


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Nomad
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Pia & Dena,

Here are a couple notes I made while reading through your script.

Daddy's Home

Oh...and I second Jeff's suggestion about Jill being hot and nude.

Jordan


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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I would strongly suggest you don't make the man incredibly sexy and the woman ordinary...you would give the game away in the very first scene they are together.

If anything, it would make more sense the other way around. An ordinary guy, and a super hot woman.

However, just two ordinary people who can act really well is all you need.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
An ordinary guy, and a super hot woman.


You mean a super hot nekkid woman, right?  



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Scar Tissue Films
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I'm a good British boy, Jeff.

I wouldn't even know what one of those is.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
I'm a good British boy, Jeff.

I wouldn't even know what one of those is.





Oh yeah, I forgot...sorry...



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Angry Bear
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Hey Jordan, thanks for those awesome notes! Very much appreciated! Regarding the flower, although it's true she's crazy, putting a flower on a grave is just what you do, even if you don't like the person...no?  

Regarding the sexy guy or woman. I think it comes down to budget. The hotter the person, the more money they charge. You should know this, Jeff! Same goes for the acting abilities. A hot actor who can also act costs even more. We don't have a huge budget, but we're planning on getting cast and crew from Jax which has a large pool of both, compared to my town. Dena's going to be very important in helping with location, crew and cast.

Cheers everyone!  


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Stumpzian
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Don't think I can add much to the many good suggestions, nor can I top the idea about breakfast in the nude.

Reminds me of the game my wife and I played (fully dressed) about what old movies would be the funniest if filmed in the nude. The best we came up with was "Stagecoach."

I'll limit myself to just a couple of thoughts.

I wondered why David never remembered ANYTHING about the night before.

I agree with those who said (1) his first escape was too easy, (2) she should be better looking so as to make the number of previous daddy candidates more plausible, (3) delay tipping us off that she's crazy, and (4) definitely make the mummy reveal a key shock moment.

Oh, I forgot to say: I liked it. Look forward to seeing this.

Henry



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eldave1
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Gave it a read. I liked the overall premise and especially the ending. I agree with another poster's view here in regards to the safety pin and the ability unlock the handcuffs.  

I did have a problem with the tone of the first two pages. A dude wakes up in bed. He doesn't know or seem to remember anything about how he got there, yet sits down for a relatively friendly, small talk breakfast with this complete stranger (Jill). To me, it was an unnatural sequence of events. I think it works better starting with him handcuffed to the bed.

Best of luck with this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Cool story, nice snapshot of a psycho. Two things:

1) David serves as more a device to reveal Jill's true nature. Even though I felt for his situation as the plot unraveled, a quirk or two might give the audience a relatable connection in a short period of time.

2) The mummy baby felt unnecessary. The tape recorder is sufficient, and the ending is pretty damn disturbing anyway. Although I guess it gives Jill a motive to act bat-shit crazy.

The premise made me dizzy, which is a good thing. Good luck, ladies.
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stevie
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Pia, I'm willing to fly over at my own cost to play the lead male.

You and Dena will just have to pay the insurance on my denim shorts.



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LC
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Pia, I'm willing to fly over at my own cost to play the lead male.
You and Dena will just have to pay the insurance on my denim shorts.


Cracked me up. If they hire you for the lead Stevie I'll fly over as well just to see the actor at work. Not that I think you don't look good in them...



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Dustin
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 4:06am Report to Moderator
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I don't agree that she needs to be good looking. Most guys will fuck anything.


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LC
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
I don't agree that she needs to be good looking. Most guys will fuck anything.

Ha, I'm getting a few good laughs from the boards lately.

You speak for yourself on this topic, of course. Other more discerning chaps may beg to differ I'm sure. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all.



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marnieml
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
I don't agree that she needs to be good looking. Most guys will fuck anything.



I think this may be the first time I totally agree with you, Dustin.  

I was a bartender for 25+ years and I can honestly say...this is true. At 2am, any standards you had go out the window.


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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Stumpzian
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Quoted from marnieml


I was a bartender for 25+ years and I can honestly say...this is true. At 2am, any standards you had go out the window.


That old country song: "The Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time."



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Dreamscale
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Pia, I'm willing to fly over at my own cost to see the lead male, if he's sexy and hot.

I'll wear my short, tight denim shorts, and hopefully the lead male will fall in love with me and he and I can be together.


Stevie, that in itself is the making of a true horror story, but I don't think I'd really want to watch.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dustin
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Ha, I'm getting a few good laughs from the boards lately.

You speak for yourself on this topic, of course. Other more discerning chaps may beg to differ I'm sure. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all.



I actually do have standards... but most of my friends do not. They will have standards when it comes to judging women.. but when it comes to sex they'll do virtually anything.


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rendevous
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
I don't agree that she needs to be good looking. Most guys will fuck anything.


Most guys will.

However, I need wooing. Flowers, chocolate, music. Or at least a tenner.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

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Stumpzian
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Rendevous: I'm sure I'm not the first to say this. Your comments always make me laugh.  If I see you've commented, I always check it out. Doesn't matter whether I've read the script or not.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian
Rendevous: I'm sure I'm not the first to say this. Your comments always make me laugh.  If I see you've commented, I always check it out. Doesn't matter whether I've read the script or not.


I concur...

Do you concur?   Name that film?  

R I always enjoy your posts....even when I have no idea what you are talking about     


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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Stumpzian
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Reef Dreamer:

"Catch Me If You Can." But, I confess, I had to look it up.



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rendevous
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Quoted from Stumpzian
If I see you've commented, I always check it out. Doesn't matter whether I've read the script or not.


I'm touched. Not like that time I went to the seminary. Really, they were all pushing and shoving and rubbing.

I'm going back next week.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer


R I always enjoy your posts....even when I have no idea what you are talking about     


Why thank you kind sir. You're not alone in wondering. I often wonder myself.

I'd say that concurring comes from Catch Me If You Can. DiCaprio's character nicks it for his fake doctor role from Dr. Kildare, I think.

Praise is always welcome round here. Bring some biscuits too.

I'm available for barmitzvahs and parties. Chicken in a basket on the way out.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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Green

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Other scripts here
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Angry Bear
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Okay, we can not use this script as the original filmmaker wants to reshoot this one. He has become quite an amazing filmmaker so I'm excited to see how this turns out.

This is our new plan...

This is a long post for a short script. Dena and I are planning to shoot a short this year. We want to use http://herlonginn.com in the film. It was used in Doc Hollywood. We want to make a social statement with our film though.
This is something horrible that happened today that we want to use.
"My daughter and her husband were eating breakfast this morning when they heard a giant BOOM! They look outside and there's a car on fire. They run outside. The car had a tire blowout. Fishtailed and rolled and hit a pine tree. The woman in the passenger seat was ejected. She was really bad off. She had bit off her tongue and could not breathe. The driver was trapped in the car. My son-in-law tried to open the door, but it was locked. He tried to break the window. His arms got burned... A Navy guy stopped and tried to help break into the car, but the flames were too big by that time. The driver burned in the car...
Except for the Navy guy, everyone else, just slowed down their cars and took pictures with their phones...
That's what happened to my daughter and her husband today. Truly horrible!
What we would like to do, is make some kind of statement about us/humans who are now just slowing down to take pictures/film a traumatic event so they can post it on some social network rather than stop and help.
If anyone has a script that fit or can be rewritten to fit, please pm me or Dena.
We have a decent budget and will do our best to make this a great one.
Thank you!


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LC
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 5:36am Report to Moderator
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Whew! That is truly an horrific story - commiserations to all involved. It must have been very traumatic for your daughter and son-in-law, and I hope they soon recover from the ordeal - though I expect it will take some time.

Makes you think if just a few of those people passing and snapping away banded together maybe that poor man would have survived. Did the woman survive?

Sad and tragic to think most people's motivations are directed not in saving a person's life but instead are geared towards their 'viral' moment in the sun.

Quoted from Pia
What we would like to do, is make some kind of statement about us/humans who are now just slowing down to take pictures/film a traumatic event so they can post it on some social network rather than stop and help.


How long a 'short' do you envisage? Do you have a redemptive ending in mind or do you think that would lessen the effect of the message you're trying to put forward. I actually think you could do both and who knows perhaps the final message might be stronger... I don't know, just thinking aloud.

Perhaps we could do an informal OWC or 2WC see if any of us can come up with something you might like. ??

Have you both thought of writing this yourselves?

Re the location you have - that's one beautiful looking spot. Is interior and exterior available to you? Seems almost too grand and glamorous and a little at odds with your subject matter. On the other hand perhaps the contrast will work well.


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Angry Bear
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Makes you think if just a few of those people passing and snapping away banded together maybe that poor man would have survived. Did the woman survive?

She's in a coma.


Quoted from LC
Sad and tragic to think most people's motivations are directed not in saving a person's life but instead are geared towards their 'viral' moment in the sun.

I agree and that's what we want to make the short about.



Quoted from LC
How long a 'short' do you envisage? Do you have a redemptive ending in mind or do you think that would lessen the effect of the message you're trying to put forward. I actually think you could do both and who knows perhaps the final message might be stronger... I don't know, just thinking aloud.

No more than 10 pages.

No idea about ending or anything, but the more profound the better. We'd like to leave an impression on people.


Quoted from LC
Perhaps we could do an informal OWC or 2WC see if any of us can come up with something you might like. ??

No. Cornetto and I did that with the hurricane and motel OWC. We both felt bad that it didn't workout.  


Quoted from LC
Have you both thought of writing this yourselves?

If we can't find a script that is suitable to our needs, location etc. we will write our own. However, I always like a project better, the more "friends" I can involve. Also, I remember years ago when it seemed to me that everyone here at SS was getting produced. Everyone, but me. I was quite sad about that. Now I have more credits than anyone needs, so I'd like to share the experience with others.


Quoted from LC
Re the location you have - that's one beautiful looking spot. Is interior and exterior available to you? Seems almost too grand and glamorous and a little at odds with your subject matter. On the other hand perhaps the contrast will work well.

I was set on shooting at that location long time ago. So, in this case, the location came before the story. This story we want to tell now, might be hard to work into that location, but if possible, I sure would like it.

As far as accessibility goes, it's pricey. Dena called them and they wanted $500 just to shoot outside. I might have to go down there and talk to them in person. Bring my husband along. He's a master negotiator.  


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RayW
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
I don't agree that she needs to be good looking. Most guys will f#ck anything.

Concur.  (Didn't need to look up the reference, BTW. Knowed it already.)

I've seen a lotta ugly women with multiple kids.
Guys will LITERALLY doink anything. Repeatedly.
Laws even have to be made that state it's ILLEGAL to doink ANIMALS!
Seriously?! It occurs often enough to REQUIRE a LAW to not doink animals?
YES!
Pathetic.

You women fret and worry about the silliest things. We don't care.
Does your shirt come off, yes or no?
Solved.

Only a prissy man cares if your legs are shaved or your hair perfect or teeth white or even straight.

Does your shirt come off, yes or no?

Bonus: And the pants drop, too, right?





Alright... back on task...


Quoted from Angry Bear
We want to use http://herlonginn.com in the film...

This is something horrible that happened today that we want to use...

What we would like to do, is make some kind of statement about us/humans who are now just slowing down to take pictures/film a traumatic event so they can post it on some social network rather than stop and help.

Beautiful location.
Cleaning those Corinthian crowns must be a PITA.

Love social statement films!  

For budgetary reasons I imagine you DON'T want to replicate the burning vehicle scenario, however some other slow-motion developing tragedy would work well.

No pool at the location, so a drowning in progress wouldn't work.

A suffocation or household product poisoning would work well.
Unfolding domestic violence, maybe?

The location's exterior grounds are great, but the greatest visual control will be shooting from  inside the house = great lighting package + increased risk of property damage = insurance cost.

Florida bugs oughtta be springing out pretty soon.
Better get a move on unless you wanna ADR the entire dialog.  

Hmm...

Will do some homework on household tragedies and toss out some ideas to develop.



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Angry Bear
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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Well Ray, I guess your comment gives old people like me hope that we can still get laid.

Regarding this project, I have decided to ditch the mansion and instead stick with the burning car.  More traumatic and visually interesting.


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LC
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
...Regarding this project, I have decided to ditch the mansion and instead stick with the burning car.  More traumatic and visually interesting.

Really? Are you serious? I hope you are.

More to the point on the type of film you want to write/film I was reminded of a few of the scenes in Crash (2005) - particularly the scene between Matt Dillon and Thandie Newton's characters when she's trapped under the burning car and becomes hysterical because in the prev. scene he molests her on the premise of patting her down. Tormentor turns saviour.

And, The Accused - Jodie Forster - the guys in the bar doing nothing and in fact encouraging the rape that's going on - and them finally facing charges and being found culpable of reckless endangerment. Both really powerful scenes/films.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing" - that appears to be one of your themes.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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Pia

a few quick thoughts.

just showing how people react may lack some punch. it could feel like a news report, mind you that found footage feel may be an option.

could you throw in some irony like the victim is a blogger/reporter and they get a taste of their own medicine

or a reporter goes to film a good news story, say a new charity, only for the crash to happen outside and they become more interested in filming that. the charity could even have its own ironic feel - injured people, home for the depressed/addicts who have become remote from society, wounded soldiers etc etc

just thoughts

cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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I like HERO, with Dustin Hoffman.  The guy who doesn't like anyone, goes back into the crashed plane to save a bunch of people and of course doesn't get credit for it.  Maybe something like that where the guy who doesn't ever want to get involved with people ends up saving them.

Just a thought.  Good luck with this.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
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I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
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RayW
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
Well Ray, I guess your comment gives old people like me hope that we can still get laid.

Stop it.  

"Old people" doink all the time.
It's even a "problem" in the assisted living community, not only between accountable adults (married to each other or not) but also between the dementia residents and those that are not.

Personality is waaaaaaay more relevant than "generally accepted standards of attractiveness."

Beautiful b!tch or cool former soccer mom?  Hmm...

Code

INT. LATE MODEL MINIVAN - DAY
Rear seats are folded down, a blanket and conforter cover the flat space.

EMILY, fifties, former soccer mom, fools and fusses with her semi-unbuttoned 
blouse atop RON, forties, blue collar engineer of some sort, mesmerised by her--

			RON
		Your'e a hot mess.

She stops, flashes a grin at him, resumes fussing.

			RON
		What are you doing?

			EMILY
		Hiding the damage four
		kids have done to my body.

Ron places a gentle hand on hers to still them. He smiles.

			RON
		It's okay.

He unbuttons her blouse and gazes at her. Emily holds her breath.

			RON
		You're beautiful. Your 
		children are beautiful.

Emily exhales. Ron engages her examining eyes, brushes aside a lock of her 
salon colored hair.

			RON
		These are battle scars of
		my warrior queen. They make 
		you beautiful.

Emily's grin turns into infectious smile.

			EMILY
		YOUR warrior queen?! What 
		makes you even THINK that
		I'm yours?!

			RON
		Will you be my warrior 
		queen?

			EMILY
		Hmm... Show me your sword. 



     



Quoted from Angry Bear
Regarding this project, I have decided to ditch the mansion and instead stick with the burning car.  More traumatic and visually interesting.

Certainly more visually interesting.

Burning car.
Perilous, expensive, yet lotsa fun!

Vehicle.
Stunt coordinator.
INSURANCE!
Fire department.
Location.
Weather.

Should be really really fun.

I like Reef's suggestion of an ironic tale of a reporter who "reports the news, not becomes the news" ironically finds herself indeed becoming the news, receiving the same spectator sheeple indifference she meted out herself.

Karma, baby.






Code

EXT. LATE MODEL MINIVAN - DAY
The suspension gets a workout.

			EMILY
		YES! YES! YES! YES!




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Angry Bear
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Ray....you crack me up sometimes!  

Bill, it will definitely not be just a recording of people's reaction. We are story tellers!!!    I think the point I was thinking of is that how society  has changed. Someone sees a horrific event, films it rather than helping out and then can't wait to post it on Youtube, FB or whatever. Like Libby said, all for their own five seconds of fame.

Ray,

get a car that's worth nothing.
The car doesn't have to move. Just burn well.
I never do anything without insurance.
Fire department and maybe police too. Here's where I think people don't realize that they work for us. The public. They can't say no, unless it's illegal or too dangerous.
Location? A two lane country road. Easement along road belongs to county or state.
Weather??? We live in Florida!!  


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RayW
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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If you don't like the weather - just wait ten minutes!


Navy boot camp in Orlando was meteorologicaly educational.



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DanC
Posted: April 5th, 2015, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there,
    I read the script and I wanted to make a few comments:

Oh, spoilers!!

1.  I've done some local filmmaking stuff, so, this should be pretty easy to shoot, except for the mummified baby.  Not sure where you get one of those

2.  I don't think you go enough into the story.  Let me explain deeper.

I love the guy waking up.  He's had a fun night and now, he's in hell.  But, it's kinda poorly done.  We realize too easily that she's nuts.  I knew she was nuts before the "reveal."

Why not work in as if he really was in an accident first.  Perhaps he's waking up from a big bump on his head b/c she hit him with a shovel and he's actually forgotten what had happened to him.  I think that'd be easy to adjust.

Work it in that he was hurt somehow (most likely by her) and he has really forgotten something, and then work out his previous failed attempt at an escape in the reveal.

I think the story could be much more compelling b/c then we, the reader, has no clue if she's nuts, he is, they both are etc.  

Some plot issues:
If it's a recording, then the baby eating makes no sense.  He'd have to wake up at the exact time the recording plays that.  I say you open with that, the sound of mom taking care of her child.

Perhaps you could even have him try to use her baby as a hostage or do the psycho thing reveal and let him try to save the baby from his psycho mama and then die.  There are lots of ways you can alter it.

I know you have a very limited budget and you want to keep it short (under 10 min) so, with lots of dialog, that's no more then 15 pages.  So, be smart and I think you have a winner!!


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Angry Bear
Posted: April 6th, 2015, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much for reading Dan! I appreciate the comments and suggestions!

This script would definitely be rewritten if we were going to use it. I wrote it several years ago. Right after I posted this, the filmmaker that first filmed it, asked me if he could re-film it. He felt he is such a better filmmaker now, he's a pro no, that he wanted to give it a second chance with his new skills, equipment and gear. I said yes of course, but I haven't heard anything lately. If they dont do anything with it, we will be using this and Dena and I will rewrite it.

Thank you again.  


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DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2017, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, whatever came out of this?  Anything I can do to help?


Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Angry Bear
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Could still happen. We're planning on shooting two shorts this year. We want to get better before we tackle a feature. Filmmaking can be tricky though. Especially when budget is limited, so who knows what will happen.  


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pale yellow
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We managed to make a torch-throwing pumpkin last year so who knows? Heck, we managed to shoot TWO scripts in one weekend(two days). Agree.....still a possibility.


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