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If anybody has taken a crack at reading this and can't get past the terrible formatting, you'll be happy to know that I am about halfway through the process of a rewrite. �The format will be better, and there will be some changes to the story as well as some character tweaks. �I hope to have it submitted sometime next week.
The rewrite is done and submitted. I've done some character tweaking and additions as well as some changes to the story. I also managed to condense and cut enough to get down to 116 properly formatted pages. Yay!
I've managed to get half way through it, and so far I find it very humorous. There is some stupid comey, witty comedy, and LOL comedy. The dialogue works for the most part, but I find that a couple of the conversations between N & S get dry. The father and Carl both are hilarious. So far the pacing seems to work as well.
I apologize for taking so long to get back to this. I should have know better than to try and do this during the holiday season.
As I stated earlier, I really like this script. Is it good? Yes. Is it great? No. Funny? Yes. Can this be made into a film be it for the big screen or televisoin? Not sure. I say this because these are the questions I ask myself when I'm writing. If you are writing because you simply love it and could care less what happens to it...then great. If you want to go somewhere with your writing, then you have to face these facts along with many others.
When I finished this script, I felt as if I hadn't just wasted 2 hours of my life. I was left thinking "this guy has some real talent". I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for not wasting my time, for making me laugh, and for putting some real effort into this.
The scripts that I write tend to lean towards the hopeless romantic side. I've said that before. What I write tends to be "cute", and I saw that with this script. Perhaps that is why I can't give you a professionalized critique of your work. All I can say is that I enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work.
As I stated earlier, I really like this script. Is it good? Yes. Is it great? No. Funny? Yes. Can this be made into a film be it for the big screen or televisoin? Not sure. I say this because these are the questions I ask myself when I'm writing. If you are writing because you simply love it and could care less what happens to it...then great. If you want to go somewhere with your writing, then you have to face these facts along with many others.
I guess I could say yes to both. I enjoy writing, and would like to make a living at it, but we all know how that is, and I'm prepared to deal with it. As long as I can make a few people laugh every now and then until my day comes, if it comes, it's worth it.
When I finished this script, I felt as if I hadn't just wasted 2 hours of my life. I was left thinking "this guy has some real talent". I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for not wasting my time, for making me laugh, and for putting some real effort into this.
Mission accomplished. This was my first feature, actually my first script ever, and your comments are much appreciated.
Page 5: misspelled not, you spelled it "knot", I'm knot sure if this was on purpose...
Page 7: you use "5", I'm not sure, but I think you should spell it out. ( ilove this comment Newt makes hear btw)
Your dialogue is unbelievable Mike, very clever. I feel like I hit this occasionaly in scenes of mindless, but you have it the entire script. Kudos to you.
"What you do is introduce one of those single friends to your single brother, and then watch them sit back, get married, and have ten thousand little Lawlers." Oh mike...how do you do it...
The blind date bandit? Hilarious.
The only thing that kind of bugs me so far is the name of the coffee shop. Something ridiculous to bother me, but it just sounds like such an immature name to me; like something out of Harry Potter. It's not to big of a deal, but, ya know...
page 24: "No! Not the this coffee is supposed to be hot thing." put quotes around the "this...hot"
Page 24: "CARL So, since this girl has such a sparkling personality." instead of a period use a dash.
Page 27: I'm not quite sure how it works, but I think you only capitalize a characters name when it firt appears. You capitolize liz's name again here. Correct me if I'm wrong.
"Wearing a Hawaiian shirt is like riding in the back of a pickup truck. There’s no way to do it and look cool." I can totally do both of these things at the same time AND look cool.
Have I told you how hilarious your dialogue is? The mustache thing...fashionably late...priceless. Newton librarian writer? hilarious.
Page 30: you write something like "she outs her shoe on" I think you might want to exchange your "o" for a "p"
Page 41: "have your support, well." should be "have you support well . . . "
"I’m fat and I’m crazy." if this gets produced your putting this on a corny T-shirt with a picture of Carl on it. It's inevitable.
Page 42: "Nah, your not scary." You're.
Well if that is just the sweetest first kiss I have ever seen! Er...read...
Tank? I love it.
The brotherly banter is really nicely done as well.
I'm gonna take a break now mike, so far it's really great. Id go as far as to say, it is better than Jack A (rhyme).
Your dialogue is unbelievable Mike, very clever. I feel like I hit this occasionaly in scenes of mindless, but you have it the entire script. Kudos to you.
"What you do is introduce one of those single friends to your single brother, and then watch them sit back, get married, and have ten thousand little Lawlers." Oh mike...how do you do it...
I guess I've just had so many conversations and read so many things that always has little sentences and statements in them that I remember.
Page 27: I'm not quite sure how it works, but I think you only capitalize a characters name when it firt appears. You capitolize liz's name again here. Correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm gonna take a break now mike, so far it's really great. Id go as far as to say, it is better than Jack A (rhyme).
Actually, I would agree with you there in terms of character development, but I'm not so sure about overall premise. I wrote this with Newton being kind of a mirror image of myself, and then Jack A as more of like a processed version of myself. What makes this one so special other than the fact that it was my very first script, is that I can identify with all of the characters and am truly happy with each of them.
Thanks for the read so far, and I'll just say that you're still in for quite a few surprises.
Page 54: "Sara mentioned it in here how I met Newton story." her.
Page 60: "Doesn’t like a total loss." Seem?
The vincet dialogue is a little weak, or, like "average". I've been spoiled with the rest being good that this dialogue seems just..well...blah. It kind of breaks ther great flow you have going. It's not terrible, in fact it's not even that bad, it's just not as good.
"That’s just it. You make your own ending" This better not end lke that...I hate when movies and books do that, it bugs me.
Where does Carl work? Add this, it could be funny.
The old ladies kidnapping door cosing thing...hilarious
You should get a girl to read this, see if the romantic stuff newton say's is up to par. I'm sure they'd love it.
"Would you care for a roll, milady?" Ha! That last shirt could beat out vote for Pedro and this one could beat out any that said : "I caught you a delicious bass."
You did the thing where you capitolize the name twice, this time with Vincent on page 76
Page 81: "I just want to make sure that your ok." should be you're
Page 83: "Nobodies going to talk about the woman I love like that." Should be "nobody is" or "nobody's", at least, I think...
Page 84: "There’s absolutely no way that you would stuck up for her like that if that were the case." stick?
page 84: "I can’t stick up for a friend." should end in question mark.
Page 85: "...since you asked me to meet you her." here.
Page 86: "No death like morbid death," not?
Page 89: "I’ll use my real name when I get a real article to right." write?
Page 90: "I give you full permission to buy on the cheap." One?
Page 94: "Sara and I are moving together." moving in? "He probably can’t believe your actually that involved with someone" You're.
Page 95: "he’s not following you too now after you knocked him out " two.
Page 97: "Your completely missing the obvious here" same thing.
Page 98: "Nobodies forcing you to stay here." the nobody thing again, I'm still unsure about this.
Page 105: "Your in lot number two." you're
"Just that they’re working on her," Finally! They're! Kudos to you Mike.
I'm going to kill you for that hearse thing Mike. I was like, what the hell? She died? Ugh. Very clever though.
Alright, done. That was great Mike. You definetely have a way with Dialoughe, and the comedy was great. If youe ver feel like doing a hardcore revision, I would work a little bit on the more dramatic parts, not necessarily romantic, but dramatic, ya know? Like parts with vincent. Great job overall.
Thanks so much for taking a look at this and for the feedback. I'm sorry that my response is so delayed, but I've been super busy lately (probably obvious due to my lack of posts).
The your/you're thing is one of those aggravatin things that word won't catch in speelcheck, and is just a pain to deal with, but I have gone through this a few more time since this posting and hopefully I've gotten rid of most of them on my own copy.
I'm glad the hearse got you. If I remember correctly, it got a few others who have read this, and always gave me a good chuckle because I conceived that in the very early stages of writing, and I am so pleased that it paid off.
On another note, which is entirely cool and may actually give you the opportunity to see that "fat and crazy" shirt, is that I have been in the works of selling this script to a producer, and this could be "in the can" sometime next year, which is totally awesome.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks again for the feedback.
I promised I’d read this so here’s my take on it for what it’s worth.
For starters the font size you use is 10 rather than 12. If changed to 12 then this turns into 122 pages. There’s a lot of dialogue and like I’ve commented on with your scripts before, I think your dialogue lines are too long (words/line). I’ve been told not to exceed six words/line or eight at the most. You often go over ten! If this were to be changed this script would be even longer, much longer.
This is in my opinion good though because I think you can really do some cutting with this script. Don’t take me wrong, it’s not bad or anything, but on occasion it drags a bit.
Occasionally this script made me think of “Wedding Crashers”. A VERY much toned down version, but still. Newton obviously being Owen Wilson and Carl being Vince Vaughn (I’m absolutely nutso over him).
I think this story was sweet and cute and I’m sure lots of people will really like it. It wasn’t a homerun for me though. I will tell you why and I hope you’ll forgive me for it.
SPOILERS:
I liked Newton’s conversation with Susan, that part was funny. Is she related to Greg?
“Disneyland, but I think you have to pony up for the two day pass for the chance to bang a Muppet.” LOL, that was good.
I can see where you were going with Dad making all the gay comments, but to me it just made him unlikable and Newton look like a whimp.
Pretty good about Newt’s date with the bank robber.
I think the conversation between Newt and Pete could be sharpened a little. Shorter, but maybe a little more interesting.
The flashback with Jane at the birthday party was pretty good.
The conversation between Newt and Carl over lunch went on for four pages! I think you could do some trimming and sharpening there.
CARL AND LIZ “So sweet my teeth hurt.” I think I have to agree.
I can’t believe these “about 30 year olds” are discussing kissing as if they are twelve year olds. Maybe I’m from a different planet, but that part didn’t really work for me.
NEWTON “My dad has to test the merchandise. He’s always gotten the first crack at any woman me or my brother has ever brought home. That’s why I haven’t kissed you yet.” I have to admit you got me there. When I first read that I was going eeww!! Then I started laughing. That was pretty sick. Good job there.
Liked the Tank part.
Sara and Newt go to a four star hotel for two days, play-fight in bed and still nothing happens? I don’t mean they have to go and actually do something here, but I think you missed a great opportunity to show something going on here. Maybe while play fighting getting into a situation where some stronger emotions evolve, but they both back away before anything goes further. However subtle, but something.
When they finally get together I will hand it to you that you handled that well. It fit in with the rest of the story in that it was nice and sweet. Not one word more than we needed. Good job there.
I liked how Newt took out Vincent. Finally showing a bit of spine here.
I didn’t really buy Newt’s family telling him to leave Sara because of Vincent. If this was real, I think they would have rallied behind Newt and Sara.
When Vincent attacks Sara I was chocked. To be honest with you, IMHO this event took this very sweet story and shifted gear into something ugly. I don’t have a problem with violence and gore (or beheadings, cough, cough), but it didn’t fit with the rest of the story. My mind was not ready for this. This could’ve been cool in a different type of story, but since everything was so sweet up until then, this did not work for me.
At the hospital, I also had a problem with Sara’s parents. This did not ring true to me at all. I am a parent and if any of my kids are in the ICU unconciuos and no one knows if she’s going to come through, I sure as hell would not go home and get some rest. I’d camp out next to her bed until she either wakes up or dies, but going home? No way!
The kissing in the hospital room was cute.
You had me with the hearse thing. I was thinking, What! She died? Mike just ruined the story!
I think you did a good job here, it just was a little too sweet for me. Hero of her heart worked much better for me.
Anyways, I’ve been told I’m weird so take my opinion for what it is, just me, a whacko from another planet.
Thaks so much for taking a look at it, and I definitely see where you're coming from with the length of this, and believe it or not this was much, much longer. Just ask Greg or Dr. Mabuse, who read the original, horribly formatted forst draft that would have equated to about 200 pages...lol.
This was the first script I had ever written, about 4 years ago, when I honestly I didn't know anything at all about screenwriting.
I did see this as a really heavy dialogue piece, and always felt that dialogue was my strongest skill, but 10 lines?!?!?! I'll have to look at that.
A lot of the things in here, to a point were based on some of my actual experiences, although played up to a more comedic effect in some areas, more of a "write what you know" kinda thing.
And there will be a rewrite in the works on this, only I won't be the one doing it. I have sold the rights to this script, and they will be done by someone else, with some cuts being made, and some changes.
Oh yeah, and I definitely agree with you on Sara's parents. That bugged the hell out of me when I wrote it, but I kept it in because I truly believed it amplified Newton's love for Sara.
And I'm glad you liked Hero better. It shows that I'm getting better, and finding more of a niche.
Thanks so much for reading, and for all of the great feedback.
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The Odds of Love
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