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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Students Moderators: bert
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  Author    Students  (currently 3203 views)
Don
Posted: December 16th, 2005, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Students by Michael Morrison - Comedy - Students is a comedy following four protagonists as they embark on a year at college. They are all from different backgrounds and have different personalities. It's partially based on personal experiences. - doc, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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getforked
Posted: January 8th, 2006, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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I love it!! Shows originality and comic purpose in it's embellished o-t-t characters! I'm saying it first before Michael Morrison makes it big-time, can I have your autograph!! I recommend this to anyone who went to college!! In fact, anyone!!

10/10!
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bert
Posted: January 8th, 2006, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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"Get Forked Productions a.k.a Michael Morrison"

The above quote is a little gem I found on PAGE 1!

Of course, I stopped reading immediately.

Do you think we're idiots?

You should be ashamed of yourself, man...this kind of stuff is really frowned upon.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Martin
Posted: January 8th, 2006, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hahahaha... now THAT'S comedy
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MacDuff
Posted: January 8th, 2006, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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I should be writing...

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Whoops....

I won't be opening this up.

We are here to share ideas, work, and critiques. Honesty in all aspects is respected by all of us.

It would have been nice to say that you think this is a good piece of work and would like some people to critique it.

Unless I've missed a very big joke somewhere...


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getforked
Posted: January 9th, 2006, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, you got me! I obviously don't put enough attention into my post as I do into my screenplays! To be honest, for once, I was disappointed noone had even commented on my screenplay. Not even to say it was rubbish!!

If I can apologize to you all and ask to to critique my work, would you consider it?

And I'm genuine when I say all comments will be gratefully received. I'm only 18, just started writing, hoping to make it big sometime soon.

I'm currently writing for a teen movie company called TMR, look them up, they need all the help they can get. They're a bunch of voluntary and exited teens who make movies in their spare time and are destined for a big of fame and fortune if their lucks half as good as their enthusiasm.

Thanks
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MacDuff
Posted: January 9th, 2006, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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I should be writing...

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Honesty is all we ask for.

The rule of thumb here is that if you read and critique other works, then there is a better chance someone will return the favour.


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getforked
Posted: January 9th, 2006, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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I'm more than happy to critique somebody else's work if it means that someone'll give me an honest opinion on mine!!

But who?
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dogglebe
Posted: January 9th, 2006, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from getforked
Yeah, you got me! I obviously don't put enough attention into my post as I do into my screenplays! To be honest, for once, I was disappointed noone had even commented on my screenplay. Not even to say it was rubbish!!

If I can apologize to you all and ask to to critique my work, would you consider it?"


Based on those who've done this in the past, I'm going to guess 'no.'




Quoted from getforked
I'm currently writing for a teen movie company called TMR, look them up, they need all the help they can get. They're a bunch of voluntary and exited teens who make movies in their spare time and are destined for a big of fame and fortune if their lucks half as good as their enthusiasm.


TMR has posted here a couple of times.  Luck and enthusiam aren't enough to make it.


Phil

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getforked
Posted: January 9th, 2006, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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I know that it is enough. I know a few people who are quite well known in the industry and they've made it through perseverance etc.

And Phil, Get Forked mate!

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thegardenstate89
Posted: January 9th, 2006, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from getforked

And Phil, Get Forked mate!



Well that's not a great way to get people to read it bro.
I read your script because i know the feeling of constantly checking to see if anybody bothered to read it.

I understand you are from the U.K. and you guys have certain expressions for things, but I know English and the grammer is attrocious. Come on man! You're 18! I'm 16 and I know that people speak in full sentences from time to time. Yes even in college.

Your view of college seems to be part experience part every college movie ever made part any horny teenagers fantasy. Most of the characters are stereoptypes. I know a lot of people who are stereotypes. Stereotypical jock, nerd, slut, and white guy who tries to act black. But that's on the outside. Since the premise seems to have been to get to know these people you really didn't dig deep into them.

And the dialogue. I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but after the things you've posted and your askew view on how the film industry works I may seem a little heartless. For this I apologize. But the dialogue either gets off topic or feels very bland. The characters come out and state things and often respond to statements that didn't fit the descriptions you gave your characters. I'll gather up some examples if you like right now I don't have the time. But if you want to hear it I'll go over it.

Lastly your preception on the film industry is not right. I'm younger and even I know this. You plan on being rich and famous donig this as well as a talented filmmaker. I hope to god you know that luck and enthusiam just don't get this. Even some talent won't just get you in. What you need is originality. Taking the chisel and hammer at the college story and ending up scultping the same stuff everybody has heard before WILL NOT CUT IT. Trick is to find a creative edge to a genre. For small stories like this you can't just plan on having a character peice with characters everybody has seen a million time before. Character peices include interesting, thought provoking characters. Keep working this though. Don't give up. But also don't be fooled by the glitz and glamour of hollywood.
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getforked
Posted: January 9th, 2006, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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First of all, thanks for letting me know what you think!! I really appreciate it! Secondly, there are errors on there that need to be fixed, I've spotted them! Some of my grammar is bad I know, but at least I can spell pieces as opposed to 'peices'.

I would love it if you could dig out the examples.

Thanks
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sfpunk
Posted: January 9th, 2006, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry but I don't think anyone should help this guy as he's really acting like a jerk. First off, tony was nice enough to help you even though you insulted other members, you don't even bother browsing around and reading other members scripts and you think that through hard work you'll make it. Tony also clearly stated there are problems with your script, including your spelling and grammar (he was just doing as you asked by reading it and commenting) and you have to come back with a sarcastic comment about the spelling in his review. Reviews don't have to have perfect spelling, if you want to get somewhere scritps do. So if you seriously want help around here read other peoples scripts and give feedback before expecting anyone to help you. Then lose the jerk comments, write something good and then you'll get the comments you're looking for.


My Scripts
'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

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thegardenstate89
Posted: January 9th, 2006, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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well sarcastic comments that are ment to be taken lightly can get lost in translation when communicating via computer. I don't know if he meant it as a joke or as a put down. Either way the grammer does need work.

If you want a grammer lesson, here's a few. Also, you don't need : after names.

ASALI:
                    I enjoyed the education so far. I like
                    Max, he a nice boy. Barry is strange, we
                    have no boy like him at home.
I'm sure he IS a nice boy

                              BARRY:
                    Cool. Word.
Either one is fine. But with both it's a tad redudant. Wouldn't you say?

I'm not here to give an English lesson though. You can find them.
In terms of script writing go all show you what you can change.

          EXT.COLLEGE GROUNDS.DAY.DAY ONE – 0850

          Montage. We hear 'Time of your life' by Greenday on the soundtrack.

          A college bus pulls up at the college bus stop and
          students begin piling out. We cut to a wide shot
          of students walking through the main gates of the
          college. We cut to a lad, KEV CARLYSLE, climbing out
          of his car and getting his bag out of the boot. He
          smiles at a passing girl and she returns the
          smile. A moped pulls into the next parking space
          and a boy begins to get off.
I don't know what that day one-08540 thing is but if it's a title card you don't put it in with the setting.
You normally don't write shots in until you plan on directing it. You use the phrase montage for a lot of scenes. The scenes you describe however do not fit what is in a montage. In order to understand what  a montage is watch the movie Team America: World Police. there's a musical number in there that describes what a montage is. It's titled "Montage"

First of all when you want to cut to, we cut to doesn't cut it. You want to keep the reader involved in the story, try and avoid acknowledging the presence of an audience in a script.

Cut to:
(the shot)

is sufficient enought

You use a lot of description. Too much throughtout. An example. A college bus pulls up at the college bus stop and
          students begin piling out.
You don't need to mention that it is a college bus stop.
In the final sentence when you describe the boy getting off, if he's an important character and it needs to be known that he gets off the mo ped Leave it and caps the name. If not, scrap that sentence.

Those are problems that reoccur throughtout your script. But do not fret, you can fix them.

Good luck with rewrites and any future projects you do.

Tony



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getforked
Posted: January 10th, 2006, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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The comment was actually supposed to be light-hearted. I think it's my British humour that getting confused for acting like an 'ass'.

I don't think my characters are too shallow, the screenplay is the first episode of eight and I planned to delve deeper in later episodes.

Everything else, fair play. The boy on the moped will be scrapped, I just wanted some background action. And yes, it doesn't need to be stated that the bus pulls up at the college bus stop.

Re the shot types and the numerous 'we see', and 'we cut to' etc. I know these are real school-boy errors, I just struggle to put it into format sometimes.

Some of the things you picked out, the montage, the bad spelling etc. has already been taken out of my re-write.

Thanks for your help, and sorry if I sound like a tw*t sometimes.

Mike
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