http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0791789/

Unless you're thinking of a different guy, but there's only one Jean Shepherd

Yeah, it's a different guy:
"This variety of hodag, Bovinus spiritualis, was the earliest "discovered", found in the woods of Northern Wisconsin in 1893 near Rhinelander, by Eugene Simeon Shepard (or Sheppard, according to some sources) (1854-1923)."

I think the two of them should meet and battle it out, Gene using a hodag and Jean can use a bb-gun to shoot their eyes out.

Well how bout that?   It fits too cause this is a comedy so I thought "well, maybe he misspelled the name," but I stand corrected.  Anyway, nice work!

The BB gun would kill that Hodag

Okay, I finally got to this... a week later.

-First things first, your character introductions should have something other than age. I prefer not to give away personality traits, but definitely note physical attributes. I need a few hints to paint a picture in my mind.

TEX, 18, a , exits the theater...

-Contrary to other notes, I think if your character feels the need to utter internet memes out loud, it works. It's plausible, I've been around people that say W-T-F and all that. Dialogue is much more flexible in that sense. But definitely denote spelling with dashes.

-Some spelling and grammar errors. You know the deal, run a spell check, then pick over the lines for apostrophes and such.

-Take the psychic reading scene further. I have no idea how Tex pulls anything from what Cleo says.

-You slugline the historical building twice in a row. Instead of denoting "afternoon" on the second line, just put "later" or write "Later on.../Meanwhile..." in the action line.

INT. HISTORICAL BUILDING--AFTERNOON

then

INT. HISTORICAL BUILDING--LATER

-"Sir, tell us about your great grandfather's experience with the Squonk." -- This line is broken up by a (cont'd) and I don't know why.

-While I'm all for naming your characters where you can, some of them can be shortened. Hell, in Gina's case, you could just refer to her as a clerk and not even introduce her as a character, because she has no lines.

-For some reason, there is a line or two referring to Jenny as Kelsey.

-The ending... I thought all the equipment fell out of the car when Patch blew the trunk open?

Other than that, it was pretty off-the-wall so I couldn't pick at much with the story. Rough around the edges, but good work.

Quoted from eljefedetonto -First things first, your character introductions should have something other than age. I prefer not to give away personality traits, but definitely note physical attributes. I need a few hints to paint a picture in my mind.

Really?  I thought we were to leave it slightly blank unless it was really important to the plot.  Kind of like not posting songs or camera angles, it's for the director to think of.

Everything else sounds good, and I'm fixing it.  Thanks!  My e-mail, I think, you can access by clicking the email button on my posts.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Really?  I thought we were to leave it slightly blank unless it was really important to the plot.  Kind of like not posting songs or camera angles, it's for the director to think of. Everything else sounds good, and I'm fixing it.  Thanks!  My e-mail, I think, you can access by clicking the email button on my posts.

Obviously those things are subject to change. But I feel since it's something the audience can see, it's worth noting. Nothing over the top, but just two or three general things of note. Otherwise I have no idea what I'm looking at. If the character is a brute, maybe he's tall and buff. If the character is nerdy, maybe he's got glasses, wearing a shirt with internet memes on it.

edit: I sent my script to you via email, along with a CL ad I thought you could help me with.

Yeah, okay, I see.  Thanks.

As for your script, I'm having trouble loading it.  Perhaps you could copy and paste send it to me and I could read it tat way.  The format would be off, but I'd review everything else.  Or if you had it on some remote site or something, I dunno.  Try the copy and paste thing.

As for the CL Ad, I'm not sure what you want me to do.  It said it was in St. Louis, so I dont think there's much I could do.  I'm a bit north of Chicago.  Thats quite the distance, sorry.

Yikes. Yeah, nevermind, that's way too far. No problem.

I'll resend the script in html format... should definitely work then.

Hey, gave this a read and here's what I got.

SPOILERISTICLES............................................................................................

You should describe the monsters at the beginning.

bottom pg. 4 - the small flashback I'd lose, just stay in the conversation.

You should have a lot more description. There's a lot of just straight dialogue, particlarly the opening scene with Jenny and Tex and Jenny's discussion with Ace in the saloon, that just goes on for pages. I don't really care, but it's frowned upon when other's will read.

You definitely have an issue with apostrophes. Many weres that should be we'res, yours that should be you'res, its that should be it's, and a cuz' which should be 'cuz.

I think the amish restaraunt waitress should tell Patch that she spit in their pot pies when he questions her.

I think you should cut after Tex says "he's definitely not stupid" to Patch asking for a tire popping gun.

pg 52 - When Patch says "you've won this round little bro" he should go into another rant about video games.

pg 63 - montage of Jenny and Ace doing "boring Arizone things" doesn't much cut it. Be more specific here.

I thought it was cool how the final chase scene mirrored Tex's dream. And Patch always eating something when he's driving was splendidly ridiculous.

"Can I watch the Cubs now" - HA, YES! Go Bears.

I think you should fill in the intro a little more. I think you jumped into the Jackalope odyssey a little too quickly. Maybe add a scene with Patch in real life having rule over Tex, and/or give us a better intro to Tex's parents. Maybe the dad watching a Cub's game. Just something more with Tex and his relationship with his family.

All in all though, very funny stuff and moved very quickly. Good job.

Hey thanks for the read, it's been a whle since I got one for this.

This one definetely needs a lot of work, and your review definetely helps.  Although I'm not working on a re-write now, I'll probably get one up over the summer, so thanks a whole lot.

I notice you have a comedy in the works.  Let me know when it comes up and I'd be appy to give it a read for you.

-Tyler