A High School Story by Dan Militello - Comedy - Immature humor galore...gay jokes, fart jokes ect.  But actually a story with out there characters that ties itself together.  Typical move high school jocks(5 main) are on a school baseball team that is a shoe in for the state championship...if they win the school will cut all funding from art programs to put into athletics.  The marching band cant let this happen so behind their evil,weird, sexually frustrated leader Matt they devise a plan to kidnap the star pitcher...how, by seducing him with the head cheerleader Tiffany. 162 pages - doc, format

I'd give you some feedback, but....162 pages?? That waaay too long for a comedy - actually that's way too long for most scripts. It should be closer to half that length. The page count alone will keep most people from reading this, including me. Remember: One page = one minute (roughly), so 162 pages would be over 2 and 1/2 hours, way longer than most comedies.

Before you get any crits, I suggest you and your partner trim this down to under 120 pages and resubmit it. Good Luck with it.

I'm not sure why...I did cut it a lot....I use Movie Magic Screenwriter and it is at 108 in the program

That's odd. I've never used MMS, so I have no idea why there would be such a huge difference in page count. 108 pages is a very reasonable length. Can you save the script as a .pdf in MMS?

I opened this up and looked at it, and it looks like it's showing up as 162 pages because the margins are off.  The dialogue margins, especially, look to be REALLY narrow.

In proper format 108 pages is probably about right.

Thanks for the help with the issue guys...i appreciate it. Ill look to c if i can get it into a dif format

I have Movie Magic Screenwriter too, and if you click File, Print. Then it will give you the option if instead of printing would you like to save it pdf. format.

thanks...i tried and it said there was an error...damaged .dll file something...sry guys

This was the most absurd story I've ever read, but I got to admit the stranger it got the funnier it got. There are still ALOT of places that I feel won't even get a sympathy laugh.

SPOILERS:



The Good
-Mildly amusing parts
-There are extremely absurd parts where you’re almost forced to laugh.
-The names
-Tallywhacker…pretty funny
-Under all the fart jokes it had somewhat of a story.
-The beginning-funny
-The end-funny
-Matt was amusing and the plan he devised was a good idea.

The Bad
-The middle was really dragging for me.
-Some of the jokes just weren’t funny. The part where the kid throws a beer can behind his head and hits an old woman?
-I don’t know about eating your own…. maybe that would be funny on screen, I got to admit I laughed a little, okay a lot, but still I don’t know if it would work.
-Your parentheticals are huge.
-Try to get a better name for script.
-There were too many parts that it seemed like you were trying too hard to get a laugh.
-You don’t put down CUT TO: Four guys on baseball field. You just put CUT TO: off to the right side. And then the slug line. INT. Baseball field-DAY-and sometimes your slug lines were missing the time of day. Always have the time of day.
-You don’t put down long winded parentheticals in your script. You had like a 13 line parenthetical-waaay to long.
-The funeral part was seriously stupid.
-Every time Dan puked it was just kind of odd, not funny.
-Why did Tiffany keep on switching guys?- Never mind on that question.
-It got pretty tough finishing this because it started out really good then sort of dragged in the middle, and then picked back up towards the end.

I can tell this is your first full-length script. This was a great way to begin, and it seems like you'll have a promising future as a writer.

Good Luck.

thanks for the input...any suggestions on what in the middle i can get rid of?

Alot of the dialogue could be cut down in alot of places.

-The part with the big fat black guy? We don't need that at all.
-When they're in the limo going to the dance that part could be cut down big time.
-Also the part right after Mike gets the starting position. When Dan says why are they advertising Mike on a milk carton or something. I didn't even understand the point of that scene.
-And some of the parts where the ninja is playing around with Chris.

I'd keep alot of the ending like said before.

cool...that milk carton thing is actually Chris...like the missing children on a milk carton but Dan and Tom are just 2 stupid to put 2 and 2 together