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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Gravy People Moderators: bert
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  Author    Gravy People  (currently 3604 views)
Don
Posted: May 30th, 2006, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gravy People by J A Parker (GravyBoatMan) - Comedy, Drama, Fantasy, Horror - Gravy People is a story following Burt, Buck, Clara, Stein, Leila and Cecilia as they come to discover a new form of life illumination within gravy.  Arriving back from a trip at Whistler-Blackcomb Mountains, Stein, a nonchalant teenager, brings home a rare mixture he collected from the holiday. At Burt’s trailer in a secluded swamp along with Buck, Clara, sisters Leila and Cecilia, Stein introduces them to open a door inside their own minds where they’re able to be within each other’s dreams simultaneously.  115 pages - doc, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  May 31st, 2006, 5:49pm
Gravy, not Gravey
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Parker
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Hey all, just want to say this is a very weird but hopefully wonderful story. Would love anyones opinions on it. I guarantee you'll like it... I hope . Any feedback would be great.  

Oh, and the titles spelt wrong... oops.   It should be Gravy People.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.

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Parker  -  May 31st, 2006, 3:56pm
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bert
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Just giving gravy-man a free "bump" since I deleted some "junk posts".

Looks like an interesting script.  Somebody should check this one out for real.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Shelton
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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Well, it IS currently residing in my domain

I'll give it a read.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Parker
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys, any scripts I can read in return I will do very happily .


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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shelbyoops
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. Is this serious.. I'm goin to drown you... in gravy.. and write a script about it and call it the sequel.. J/p. really, just for that bit of fun I will look into this.
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Shelton
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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GBM,

I'll be writing as I read, so the beginning of this review will consist mostly of technical things, and other stuff I notice as I move along.  I'll comment on the story as a whole at the end.

First off, you don't have page numbers listed.  Luckily this is in doc format and I was able to insert them, but if for some reason you decide to convert this to pdf, make sure you put them in.

You've got CUT TO'S: and spaces allocated for the credit sequence.  You're better off not including these since the placement of credits is usually the choice of the director, and a new scene will imply a cut to.  Just noticing this off the bat and assuming that you do this thoroughout, I would bet you could go from 115 pages down to 110-112.

Your opening description can be trimmed a bit.

Burt's VO seems kind of odd since he's on screen, and it doesn't strike me as something he would just think to himself.  It's almost as if he's reading a note, or a recipe in this case.

EXT. SWAMP TRAILER EXTERIOR.  EXTERIOR is redundant.

In descriptions, the name only has to be in CAPS when they are introduced.  I would also split Clara and Buck's intros.  Both of them together makes a large chunk.

BURT rides speedily down a road where it seems no one uses.
Burt speeds down a lonely road.  This implies that nobody really uses the road, but expresses it in a way where it can be filmed.  

The point I think you're trying to make is that nobody is on that particular road when Burt is, so to say that it's never used implies something that nobody would know when watching the movie.  They would only see nobody on it at that time.  Boy, that's a long winded explanation.

What's a Starbucks coffee rejects store?

Somebody watching this wouldn't get it, but I laughed at Goofy Man being named Goofy Man.

Favour and Whilst.  Are you English?  Does this take place in England?

I'd go through and break up the descriptions.  You'll probably gain back the space you lose with the cut to's, but it'll look a lot cleaner.

Ok, I've finished the story, and just as you advertised, it is BIZARRE, but in a good way.  While reading this, I was constantly reminded of the fantasy sequences in What Dreams May Come and philosophical type comedy found in I Heart Huckabees.

The one thing that I was a little disappointed in was the horror aspect of it.  Since they were floating around in other people's minds, I was really hoping for them to stumble upon some really freaky stuff.  The Gardener and Harvester were alright, just a little less than I anticipated.

One other thing I would recommend is to spend some time getting into the charcaters heads, possibly by introducing it faster.  And Cole should be brought in earlier as well because he currently doesn't seem to serve much use, and the few things he has could easily be given to another character.

And lastly, and this is just me.  Why not have Sheriff Drayton stumble upon the gravy somehow?  Could make for some interesting reading.

Overall, a nice job, and good execution of a very bizarre storyline that I enjoyed.  
Just make sure to go back and break up those descriptions, especially over the last fifteen pages or so because they're HUGE.

3/5




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Parker
Posted: June 1st, 2006, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Mike, you've pointed out some things that are very helpful. I'm glad you liked the story and I will definitely get on with the mistakes, CUT TO'S, etc.


Quoted Text
Favour and Whilst.  Are you English?  Does this take place in England?


I am English but it definitely doesn't take place in England. It takes place in America. I thought I had it covered with the sheriff and maybe the way the characters spoke. I'll have to get it across a little better.


Quoted Text
one thing that I was a little disappointed in was the horror aspect of it.  Since they were floating around in other people's minds, I was really hoping for them to stumble upon some really freaky stuff


I think I might've rushed the ending slightly. I wanted the horror aspect to totally freak everyone out. I will think up something better and more freaky.  


Quoted Text
would recommend is to spend some time getting into the charcaters heads, possibly by introducing it faster.


Do you mean actually getting inside of their heads... it's possible. lol   But, yeah, I believe the first part of the story is only about Burt and Stein a lot. Even though they're the two main characters, I wanted the others to be rich in character too. Glad you pointed that one out.  


Quoted Text
And lastly, and this is just me.  Why not have Sheriff Drayton stumble upon the gravy somehow?


It was my first intention to have the sheriff be part of the horror aspect but I wasn't too sure if everyone would see it coming. I think I ended his character way too quickly as well. Not dead but you know. I want to extend his character as well as maybe Coles and the others but it's going to be really hard fitting it into the script.

I will get right on fixing the problems anyhow. Thanks for the great review Mike.  


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Shelton
Posted: June 1st, 2006, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Parker

I am English but it definitely doesn't take place in England. It takes place in America. I thought I had it covered with the sheriff and maybe the way the characters spoke. I'll have to get it across a little better.


I had a suspicion that they're were Americans, which is why I questioned it.  Favour wouldn't be noticed on screen since the pronunciation is the same, but whilst would definitely be off.  Americans say "while"



Quoted from Parker
I think I might've rushed the ending slightly. I wanted the horror aspect to totally freak everyone out. I will think up something better and more freaky.  


I wouldn't say it was rushed per se, just that it was a little less than what I hoped for, but that could be my personal taste.  A suggestion I could make is to read Breanne's "Devil in D Minor" in the Drama section.  It has the surrealism that I think you're trying to capture.



Quoted from Parker
Do you mean actually getting inside of their heads... it's possible. lol  


Exactly.  Get to the gravy quicker.  Right now, your script is a bit slow starting and then takes off once that starts going on.  Actually, while I'm on the subject, you could probably afford to put an instance of Stein in a sequence by himself at the beginning.  Don't explain too much of what's going on, but use it to grab the reader.  There isn't a huge hook in the first ten pages so that may help.


Quoted from Parker
It was my first intention to have the sheriff be part of the horror aspect but I wasn't too sure if everyone would see it coming.


There may be some people who see it coming, but some of those people may only see it because that's what they're hoping for.  I think adding him in would give you a great opportunity to expand the whole "mind universe" thing.  Maybe he has a deep, dark secret that gets brought out in all of this.  Just an idea.



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Parker
Posted: June 1st, 2006, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, it does begin pretty slowly, the only reason why I did that was because I wanted to show what their lives were like. Slightly boring, maybe repetitive. But when Stein comes home, everything changes.

I love the idea of maybe even starting out inside Steins head and like you say, not explaining much. I'll give that a go . I'll add the Sheriff in further for definite as well. There was a slight mention of the Sheriff having a dark-ish history. He killed someone. Stein and Burt talk about it and I think I will definitely expand on that.

Thanks again Mike. I will also take a look at Breanne's script too.


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lost_and_found
Posted: June 9th, 2006, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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I just took a few hours and read through the Gravy script and I really liked it. I'd trim a few pages and pick up the pace in spots, but other than that I thought is was fun, smart and fresh. I too thought that maybe Cole could come in a bit earlier to raise some hell and create a few road blocks and conflict along the way. Hard to tell though, the story has a kind of innocence that you may not want to mess with. Good stuff.
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Antemasque
Posted: June 9th, 2006, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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I tend not to read these types of scripts. But i found out this script could be a change since it doesn't follow the format as most comedys/dramas and what not.

You descriptions are excellent but i think they are too descriptive if that is possible. Sure, you can be descriptive but it's a turn off when they are long. (Upon further reading i noticed this was only in a few parts so i wouldn't say it was a big deal but i would def. trim them down a little and what not)

The usual format and how to write a screenplay also need to come in effect here. Most of which can be found on the internet and what not. I know there is a link that helps this out on this site but i don't know the exact link.

Everything else seems to be fine besides the usual errors that everyone makes.

Now to the story. You have a very good story here which is full of suspense and mystery. Obviously you know how to tell a story and keep the reader hooked to that story. When i first say the length i knew i was going to have to stop every now and then for a rest. I was wrong and couldn't keep my eyes off of your story.

You also have very unique characters which all play a good part in your story. They all have a story to theirselves which is good.

You are also very original in this. Everything i read i have not read or seen before.

So overall you have a good story. Maybe some help from some other writers on here could help you make this an even better script. Ya know? Correcting the mistakes and what not.

I enjoyed it very much but i must give you a 4/5. It's good but not perfect. Yet not many things are perfect in this world.

If you have any questions just ask.

Andrew
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Parker
Posted: June 10th, 2006, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys for reading it and I'm very glad you both enjoyed it . I've gotten a few pointers from other writers and I will sort out the formatting slightly and think about other areas of the story.

If anyone else wants to have a read of this and review it, even if you're basically going to say everything that's already been said, please do so . Thanks.


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tonkatough
Posted: June 10th, 2006, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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The logline intrigued me for this script. How could you not read a story about people who enter the gateway to dreamscrape through a bowl of gravy.

The dialouge is exceptional, all of the characters have their own voice. There is nothing worse than a script where all the characters line are written the same.

The story is heaps of fun and the format is tight making it a fast easy read.

The one thing that interested me with your script was how skimpy the story was. With such a wonderful and exciting idea that you have, in the 115 pages not much really happened. Introduce all the character, they have a dream, they like it, have another dream that goes horribly wrong. The whole sub plot involving the sheiff was funny but seemed to be just filler.

But could it be that the story seemed so lean because valuable white space in the script, that could have been action of dialouge, was used up with the CUT TO:  How many lines where wasted using that? Is it nesecery in a spec script? Not what I know of But I could be wrong.  


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Parker
Posted: June 11th, 2006, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tonkatough, thanks for giving it a read. Glad you liked it.

I'm taking the CUT TO: parts out. I don't know why I put them in there like I did. The script could probably go from 115 pages down to as low as 110 I'd say. I'll post on later when I take them out. It really does make the entire script look kind of messy. Thanks for giving this a read anyway !


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