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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Perplexity Grove Moderators: bert
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  Author    Perplexity Grove  (currently 8112 views)
Don
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Perplexity Grove by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Comedy - When Javon fails to convince his girlfriend Meredith to move into a unit with him, he decides to rent a unit with Meredith's younger sister. 103 pages - pdf, format


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mgj
Posted: June 6th, 2006, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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This one had a dark sense of humor that, I think, alot of people will get a kick out of.  You've taken a relatively simple storyline and populated it with colorful characters while infusing them into amusing situations.

Most of the characters felt real and, I imagine, were based on, or at the very least composits of people you know or knew.  From that perspective it was easily relatable and gave it an edgy, urban feel.

I think though, that there needs to be a little more at stake from the main character's perspective for this to achieve maximum impact with the audience.  Even if the journey itself is a pleasant one there needs to be something quite dramatic and damaging on the line for us to champion this guy on or it'll keep us detached emotionally and will function then only as comedy.  I never really got the sense that Javon would be entirely crushed if things didn't ultimately work out between him and Meredith.  

Maybe you could play this up a bit more - that they really were soul-mates but he was just too dense to see it.  I would have liked to see her fight a little harder for him.  At least that was my take on their relationship.  Possibly you could steer the focus a little more in that direction if you do any rewrites.

I am glad that he did finally come to his senses and get back with Meredith.  Nerds are always more interesting I find, both in the real and reel world.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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tonkatough
Posted: June 7th, 2006, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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Thank you mgj for taking the time to read my script. It pleases me that you enjoyed it.

Yes, raising the stakes is one thing I really struggle with when writing.  With a movie like Raiders Of The Lost Ark, where the situation is life or death, the stakes are pretty obvious. But in a more simple movie like Punch Drunk Love or Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, than pin pointing what's at stake and raising them is for me very difficult and challenging.

I am pleased you pointed out this weakness in my writing and will do everything with in my ability to correct it with future writing.


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Parker
Posted: June 26th, 2006, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Well Tonkatough, I've just finished reading Perplexity Grove. I must say first that it was a well written script, which I very much liked.

The formatting was great, nothing wrong with it, though, it's probably just the way I write but the dialogue looked a little clumped together. I usually have the dialogue seperated by two lines where it seems you only have used one. It's not a big deal seeing as it would make your script look longer than it actually is but it just made my eyes go funny after a while.

The characters are huge in your story. They're very rich with their own style, which is imperative, for me, in a script. I really got to imagine each character speaking their own lingo. The only problem was with Javon and Meredith, especially at the end between pages 94, I think it was, to page 97. The dialogue was fine there and the situation was handled well, it's just, I don't know, I really can't quite put my finger on it. Right at the point where Meredith tells Javon that she will rent a place with him, I was thinking that there needed to be a bit more here. I couldn't quite get what Meredith was feeling. Between the part where Javon says:

"Please Meredith. I beg you.
Take a risk with me. Let’s
rent our own place together."

And Meredith's next line:

"I will. I will Jav!"

I felt she needed a pause where she thinks and she gets truly emotional about him and it's the point where she feels it is the right move, you know? Sorry for making a huge deal about it. It's usually small matters like that, which become bigger points for me.

The story was colourful at times amusing. I really like the title Perplexity Grove. The characters are quite unique, their names are some I've never even heard of, which is a good thing. I sometimes hate characters when they have normal names like Jack, John, Rachel and other names that are so common. Not hate but you know...

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. I few touches here and there and you will have something you can be very proud of with your name on it.

GBM


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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tonkatough
Posted: June 27th, 2006, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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Thanks GBM for the exellent review.  Your criticism was appreciated and i will take it into consideration with future scripts I write.

But I will just say that both you and Mgj have spotted a minor flaw with story that is that Meredith and Javon's love for each other is not passionate and romantic as love is usely portrayed in hollywood movies. It is rather luke warm, a kind of comfortable love that may not seem worth fighting for. I think this may be the problem you both see with the script.    

I carefully pick all my names from a baby name book I own specifically for writing. it has over a thousand names from all over the world. If you are ever short on names for characters you can just do a web search for baby names and should hit some lists.


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michel
Posted: July 3rd, 2006, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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I've read your script I found it pretty good. Dialogs are vivid and the characters are delighful. As mgj sublined it, your characters look like being inspired by people you know. The situations are funny and you sure know how to write a (black) comedy.

One question remains to me anyway: heve you got any problems with cats? LOL

Well done tonkatough

Waiting for your next script

Michel


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tonkatough
Posted: July 4th, 2006, 5:04am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Michel. I've got another one of your scripts lined up I am keen to read soon.

It may be hard to believe by the script I have written but I am actually a cat lover and own a pet cat. cats are cool.


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greg
Posted: July 20th, 2006, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry for the delayed review.  I'm slowly getting through it so I figured I'd post a little something here to bump your script up.

I'm about a third of the way through and I'm honestly not feeling much.  You have this listed as a comedy, but right now I'd consider it more of a drama piece with some slapstick humor in it.  I guess that depends on how you would envision this on the screen, though.

I'm at the part where Javon and Brianna have just arrived at Perplexity Grove and I really don't know what to think of it yet.  I came into this looking for some jokes and stuff but it's yet to really deliver.  I'll finish this up and post my complete review hopefully soon.

Format looks good.  Get rid of the CONTINUES junk.  The reader knows that it continues.  Typing it out just clutters up the page, ya know?

Anyway, I'll try to finish this up soon.

LATER THAT WEEK....

Okay, finally got around to finishing this.  So I said that at around page 30 it wasn't working for me.  Afterward it started moving though.  There was more obvious humor as well as clever dialogue to complement it and move the story along.

What I think you should concentrate on is adding in more witty and snappy dialogue into the earlier pages and expand more on the comedy.  Yeah, there is some dark humor and stuff in here, but as a comedy it just didn't work on that alone.  Everytime you involved a curse word, I found myself chuckling, and you used them at just the right time to keep my interest.  I'd read, get a little tired, then you had the occassional quirk and that got my interest back into it.  You need alot more of that spread throughout your 103 pages.

The conflict can also use some more, well, "suspense."  The central problem of the story is really more of an issue.  Guy rents a place with sister of girlfriend, girlfriend gets jealous, they're worried about money...there needs to be more.  Maybe involve more themes of conflict centering around money, like maybe Javon works at McDonald's and needs to pay for medication or something.  I don't know.  It just needs more to it.

I can tell right off the bat that you care about your characters, which is excellent.  It truly shows throughout the story.  I liked Javon alot as I did Meredith and Brianna.  Some of your supporting characters were hilarious such as Sensei Miyazaki, the Retarded Giant and Tango the clown.  Some of the minor characters, a perfect example being Meredith's parents, could have had more to them.  I mean they throw a huge fit in the beginning and then we only hear from them once more and it's very brief.  Maybe throw in some more stuff for them.

Initially I was disappointed when I started reading, but the story eventually picked up.  Adding in more witty dialogue is central I think for the success of this story, because in a comedy you don't want to lose your audience 30 pages into it.  Despite my criticism, I think you're a very talented writer.  The story shows effort, heart and care was put into it, so big kudos to you.  I wish you best of luck in the future on this!


Be excellent to each other
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tonkatough
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Greg. I didn't know what you where talkiing about with the continues so I had to check over my script. I see now. I use Final Draft and the program automatically puts them in.

The script is a drama/comedy so maybe this is why it did not have as much comedy as you thought. If I put it in the drama section people would say it was to humourous and if I put it in comedy people will say it is to dramatic. I guess its the same as saying if the glass is half full or half empty.


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Nixon
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry for the delay. I haven’t had a chance to check out any of the other reviews so if anything sounds mundane and repetitive, just ignore it.

Alrighty. First off, I’ve got to give you credit for originality. This was something new and refreshing.

Format:

Nothing wrong in this department, everything looked fine except one thing. I notcied that "(CONTINUED) and CONTINUED:" is plastered on each page, top and bottom. I’m not a hundred percent sure, but that’s not really necessary and after awhile it gets kind of distracting.

Dialogue:

It a story like this, dialogue is key and for the most part, you nailed it. Every character's dialogue suited them and made them seem believable.

Descriptions:

Your one weak spot, would probably be the descriptions. They’re just lacking an essence and detail. If you’re planning on a rewrite, I’d work on flushing out your descriptions.  


So overall, really good. I have no major problem with this one. Now I'm off to read more entries for the One Week Exercise Thing.

-Zavier  


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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TAnthony
Posted: August 10th, 2006, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Perplexity Grove was a great read, and to me it had a real Sideways feel to it. Javon, Merideth, and Brianna were very lovable characters and you found some very interesting situations to put them in. There were a lot of funny parts, but this should definitely be considered Comedy-Drama.

SPOILERS--------------------------

-I’m on page 10 and there hasn’t been many jokes or laughs in it. It’s still great, but I can already tell it’s going to be more of a comedy-drama.

There were a lot of supporting characters that I liked and some that I didn’t much care for. For example the ones I liked were. Griselda Rixon and Skylar Rixon… they were hilarious. Griselda: “kick her arse good honey!” – hilarious. When you say Griselda Rixon dresses like a twenty-year old you should definetly go into details of how she does that.  

The supporting characters that didn’t really work for me were Flakka and Jeff and Monica and Alison. Flakka and Jeff act a lot alike. So do Monica and Alison. Those scenes would be even more funny of their personalities differed.

When Javon first tells Merideth that he is moving in with her sister, I was expecting Merideth to put u more of a fight, but she really didn’t. She was supposed to be strong, but she sort of just accepted that one. There already seemed to be some sexual tension between Javon and Brianna.

I love the part where Javon and Brianna got to the old women’s house looking for her thirty cats. That was just great. The retarded giant part is sort of mean. Funny, but mean.

Brianna living with a bunch of men from Punk’s game seemed really unrealistic. She’s the only woman living with a whole bunch of guys who are practically a gang. I might be able to see with people she knew, but not with strangers.

Loved the script and can’t wait for your next one. I could definitely see this being produced.

Good Luck.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

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tonkatough
Posted: August 11th, 2006, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reviews Nixon and Tanthony.

Nixon I'm not quite sure what you mean by my action lacking detail. I was under the inpression that in scriptwriting you should write as little detail as possible, just enough to get the image across. But maybe you are referring to that I may need to use stronger adjectives or averbs. Now that would make sense.

Tanthony you are absolutly right in Flakka and Jeff sounding the same. If you hadn't pointed it out I would never have noticed. Now I feel kind of stupid. But I am glad you made me aware of it so I can avoid it in future scripts I write. thank you

I plan to submit another script to this website somethime in the future. Keep a look out for it.

Now I am off to finish reading your Loud & Nasty script.


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Nixon
Posted: August 11th, 2006, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough

But maybe you are referring to that I may need to use stronger adjectives or averbs. Now that would make sense.


Yeah, that’s what I was trying to get at. What you have now just seemed like the bare essentials, very bland. It almost read like a spec script, but then maybe that was what your aim was. It’s definitely not about the length of a description; just don’t come off sounding like a robot.    

-Zavier  



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I WAS WRONG.
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Shelton
Posted: September 9th, 2006, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Ended up with a little bit of free time so I figured I'd check this one out.

First off, the wording in some of these descriptions seems odd.

"Javon looks embarrassed, glances at Meredith"

"Javon looks agitated, thrusts his hands into his pocket"

"Brianna turns around to face Javon, smiles sweetly"

All three verbs after the comma would be better suited with an -ing on the end, or as the beginning of a new sentence.  He glances, He thrusts, She smiles.  Currently, at least to me, they just look kind of weird.

I'm on Page 28 now, and I'm just starting to get a taste of what's in your logline, although I have no idea how long it will take for javon to be convinced.  I'm guessing it won't be long based on how he's looked at her, but we'll see.  Also, this huge blowout from the parent is making this REALLY hard to view as a Comedy, but you've already commented on your difficulty with genre placement.  I've had this problem too so no big deal.

Ok, it didn't take long at all for him to be convinced.  Must be the trashy clothes.  The thing with this scene is that Meredith seems to go along with it too easily.  Earlier on you painted her as being much more jealous of Brianna, and I'm just not feeling it here.  You say she's disappointed, frightened, and troubled, but I don't think that would come off too well on screen.

Wow, I wasn't expecting Master Blaster at the old lady's house.  Interesting.

The dream sequence should be tagged as one.

My, that was a touching heart to heart between Skylar and Meredith.

Ok, I'm done.  You ended this on a relatively happy note, but the odd thing is that I didn't get any sense of any kind of relationship between Javon and Meredith until about the last 5 pages.  All through the script, he's infatuated with Brianna, she's worried about her Kendo tourney, and they hardly ever spend any time together.

I think you need to fill in the gaps between them just a bit, because when it was all said and done, I just didn't care whether they stayed together or not, and with a story like this that has romantic undertones, the reader should care.

Other than that, I did think it was a solid effort.  The story kept my interest throughout.  After reading it in its entirety though, I would highly recommend moving it to the Drama section.  This is much closer to Drama than Comedy.

If I can help out in any other way, just let me know.




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Higgonaitor
Posted: September 10th, 2006, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey, I'm in the middle of this (I'll give you my review later) but for now, I have a question?

Is this supposed to be like a modern australian "midsummer nights dream"?  Cuz that would be cool, and I sort of see it right now (puck was just introduced)


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