Yippee! My life is a little more brighter cause I got some more reviews for my script.

Thanks JD-OK. Thou i found it interesting that you criticise how seem unrealistic that Vet would sell dead cat to Javon but fail to remark on how vet smoke a pipe while doing surgery on a animal which is very unrealistic and just wrong. But I did it becuase I was going for a surreal style (eg: Coen Brothers.) You seem to miss this while everyone else picked up on it.

Dressme. Your idea with the PETA reaction shot had me rolling around on the floor laughing my arse off. But now I am crying and banging my head on my desk cause I was to stupid to think of that when I was writing this script. Damn!

Quoted from tonkatough Yippee! My life is a little more brighter cause I got some more reviews for my script. Thanks JD-OK. Thou i found it interesting that you criticise how seem unrealistic that Vet would sell dead cat to Javon but fail to remark on how vet smoke a pipe while doing surgery on a animal which is very unrealistic and just wrong. But I did it becuase I was going for a surreal style (eg: Coen Brothers.) You seem to miss this while everyone else picked up on it. Dressme. Your idea with the PETA reaction shot had me rolling around on the floor laughing my arse off. But now I am crying and banging my head on my desk cause I was to stupid to think of that when I was writing this script. Damn!

True enough, I read it, but it didnt grab my attention. It would ring true if I actually felt this story to be a comedy, but to me it just feels like a drama.  Sorry i been real busy and I will continue to post on your script

Glenn,
I haven't read any of the other posts so some of this may be redundant.

I read Perplexity Grove in one setting...says a lot.

Story/Plot

You've got a good story here. Storytelling is a innate skill. Anyone can learn the skill of writing a screenplay...structure, format, etc. There are only few that tell a great story. People forget that when writing. You've written a most creative and original story with great characters and unforgettable scenes. That is the toughest part, in my opinion.

Your tone is here and there occasionally. Some drama...comedy...teen movie. This is okay (Pretty in pink, Breakfast Club did it well) but the overall tone or message should be apparent throughout. There were some scenes that felt out of place...over the top violent...

You've got some of the most original scenes I've read (or seen). The scene with the clown is hilarious. I laughed out loud with it. Great dialogue and set up here. Also, the Cat Lady scene...Brianna bouncing the ball off the Giant's head, the cats in the jars, the old lady with the attempts at stabbing Javon...funny stuff!

The three story points that I thought needed fixing were:

1. The plot needs to be set up earlier. Before page 6 or 7 and definitely before page ten. I'd keep the opening scene (a good one, by the way), just set up an earlier conversation between Javon and Meridith about "Moving In". A few lines of dialogue would fix this.

2. The ending. Tie up things between Javon and Brianne. Make something good happen for Brianne. She gets the short end most of the time. I thought for sure she was going to fall for Puck. They're perfect for each other. Have the sisters hug or get emotional about one another...I know it sounds cheesy but you need it or something like it in the end.

3. Change the confrontation scene between the sisters and the parents. Too violent. I thought Brianne's reaction was over the top. Skylar's too. The parents are heartless bastards! Avoid a direct "showdown" with the dad and Brianne. You can accomplish the same tension and urgency without it. Make Javon the step-dad...step parents are inherently evil (stereotypically, anyway). This is an automatic reason to dislike the Dad initially.

Specific findings:

These were my thoughts as I read.

Pg 3: Wouldn't cows run away from gunfire instead of towards it?
Pg 6: Meridith cussing? Didn't expect it.

Make descriptions shorter. More deliberate. Less is more. Choose everyword carefully. Script Readers(the real ones) don't like to read...they're lazy.
Example: "Griselda Rixon is a forty-five year-old who tries desperately to look youthful by dressing like a twenty-year old and bleaches her hair blonde."
Trim it up.

I had considered whether Meredith and Javon should have been younger but as I read the entire thing their ages fit.

Pg 12: "Introduce" Jeff

Great Scene with Shyanne! Brilliant job choice! Change the dialogue and interaction between the two girls, though. Didn't fit. Merideth was unfazed by Shyanne? Strange.

Asian sensei with a Scottish accent! Jesus! The image of that on screen! Where in the world'd you pull that out of your noggin? Be tough to find an actor with those characteristics and skills. Ha!

Pg 30: Meredith block who's escape?

Rewrite the scene with the cats. Be more action descriptive. Javon sees the jars with the unidentified masses in them...stops. Looks around. Gets closer. Tubes hanging out all over the place. Like a science experiment. Gets his nose next to the glass. Peering inside. Taps on the glass...holy cow the thing moves! Looks at the other jars...movement from others.

As is you give it away to soon and with words, not actions.

Pg 53: The transition between the couch scene and the first dream is too sharp. Create a transition between scenes.

Pg 59: Another classic scene!

Pg 68: "Than" should be "Then". I noticed this earlier in the script.

Tango the Clown...the funniest scene in my opinion.

Last, cut out ALL of the cussing. Then replace it only in the places where you see it absolutely necessary. And every character shouldn't cuss. Trust me. A writer sound much more intelligent(even if it is a comedy!) if the cussing is cut.

Overall, this was a well written script with a good plot and story. I liked it a lot and it fits what most film makers are looking for: High concept, low budget. With some good editing this could be a real looker for film makers.

You've got a great style. Don't lose the originality. Great work.

Joseph

Thank you Medstudent for the glowing review. I am pleased that the majority of the content in my script entertained you.  Thank you.

I must say I have to agree with you about cussing. As much I love cussing, it is sort of a easy way out when it comes to writing. You got a character who is bitter and angry at the world, you show it by making him cuss. You got someone who is in a rage, make him cuss and he really looks mad and out of control. To easy.

I am currently writing a childrens story that will probably end up in the anime section and it contains a rather wicked, nasty character and it has been a very difficlult challange showing his rage with out cussing.  I've had to really use my nogging and flex my creativity when a simple cuss word could have done the job nicely.

Still I miss writing cussing in my stories. Maybe after I finish children story I can fill up my next script with lots of cussing like that DeadWood TV series.

DeadWood is cool.  
  

I can't dodge the fact that I'm extremely late in reading this so I feel like I should leave you with something now just so you know I'm on it. So far, I'm enjoying it. The subject matter seems very down to earth to me and has a nice situation comedy sense to it.

A few things (not much yet but more later)...

- Perhaps this has been mentioned already but I think it's strange that Meredith's sister is moving out at sixteen. Might want to up her age a little. Say eighteen?

pg. 11 - What's a "stunned mullet" expression?

- Why is Javon so quick to give up on confronting Meredith about moving out? I understand he has problems talking about his feelings but you should at least make an attempt to do so. Perhaps a little hesitation might help.

Sorry, I know it's not much but I'd rather you not think I'd forgotten about this one.

More latter...

Thank you James for the read and flinging my script from the number twenty spot where it was forgotten and back up to the number one spot. I look forward to your comments. I hope you enjoy.

While I am here anyone else looking for a exchange and rview with their script let me know and I will be happy to swap and review.  

- Javon is moving into an apartment with another woman and not just any woman, Meredith's sister. I think Meredith should show a little more emotion in this goodbye. She feels too reserved to me.

- After a week, we want to know about how Javon's doing with his new living conditions as well as his and Meredith's relationship. I think you can lose these bits about Meredith's Kendo and Javon's cats (especially since the cats are brought up later). Get to the good stuff. An 100+ page comedy could afford to lose some pages anyway.

- You can't tell Mrs. Tobin is the landlady if it's only written down in the action lines. You need to mention it in the conversation.

- Javon agrees to this cat lady business too easily. Not only is it potential stealing and breaking/entering, it sounds to me like a cat lady is the last person you want to piss off. There needs to be some more resistance here.

Sorry, still not done. I'm a little tied up with things right now. Anyway, just figured I wouldn't leave you hanging. More later...

Finished (finally)...

- I think a seven foot tall fat man would weigh more than just 120 kg.

- There’s a considerable lack of tension in the entrance of the Old Lady. She tells the Retarded Giant never to open the door for anyone and yet she barely seems threatened by Javon or Brianna. Perhaps you could have a moment where the two of them are forced to come up with some explanation for their intrusion that the Old Lady is able to eat up. You don’t need much but I think you need something.

- How did Meredith get into the apartment? She doesn’t live there. Perhaps Javon could let her in and attempt to hide the goings-on in the bathroom but Brianna blows his cover. Just a thought.

- It seems bizarre that Javon and Meredith would embrace and kiss after Meredith decides to walk out on an argument. I would change this for sure.

- I think Meredith gets a second chance to compete too easily. In fact, I don’t even think it’s necessary to have her disqualified in the first place. There’s more tension in Javon racing against the clock to make it to the tournament in time and I think the second battle would work better as a first. You could also afford to the Cornwell character who really doesn’t serve much purpose. Again, it wouldn’t hurt to cut your script down a couple pages.

- How does Javon manage to weasel his way out of RSPCA custody in the end? This is never explained.

- I don’t think Javon’s disappointment in losing his friendship with Briana works in the slightest. He’s lying to both her and himself when he says he’s exactly where he wants to be which makes his character arc null and void. Javon seems so passive throughout the story but at the end, he’s able to speak his mind. Here, it seems he’s taking a step back. Also, Meredith is an independent woman now, which is why Javon was fixated on Briana in the first place. Now Meredith is the woman he always wanted but without the immaturity. Sounds like a happy ending to me yet Javon’s one line behind Briana’s back changes it entirely. Lose it. It hurts the story big time.

I think I've said just about everything I need to in regards to improving your story. I'd say most of what you need to improve is how your characters relate to each other. There are too many instances in which they seem to be holding back their emotions. This, it seems to me, is the nature of Javon's character in particular, which is fine as he does change in the end, but there's still some conversations that could use some more emotion.

All in all, I enjoyed this and it seems like you've worked hard on it. In addition to a down-to-earth situation-comedy, you also have some great instances of dark oddball comedy thrown in as well. I especially enjoyed the pickled cats and Nazi-esque animal cruelty officers. You balanced the two well I think. A solid comedy overall with a distinct style. Good job.

Is there a storyline? When does it kick in?  The scenes were well-done with nice surprises, but around page 10 I beginn wondering where the spine of the story was, where the author was taking me.

It was like being in a Taxi and not knowing where the driver was headed. Nice scenary, but where the hell are you taking me, Mac?

I did not go on after this, feeling that the author was not delivering on his promise, or at least not at the specified time he was supposed to.

And the pity of it is the scenes all struck me as interesting. The feral cat was interesting. The stampeding cows. The way the girl doesn't run, but stands her ground.

But again, it seemed the problems with structure were too overwhelming to sustain the author's originality and clever descriptive prowess.

Finally, I'm also concerned about the feedback format here. It's too polite. After reading some of the other comments I had to fight the urge to say the piece was brilliant so I could get a big hug and  thank you, too.

I would suggest that "thank you's" from the author impede objectivity and maybe it would be better if the author said nothing unless he's asked a specific question.

ricland

Oh thank you for the sincere review blackwrite. very kind of you and I am feeling very emotional. As they say on Entourage. "come on bitch, let's hug it out"

Hi,
Here is my review.
I will start by the things that I did like or did not like in your script.
The FORMAT is good. (I read another reviews so I know how CONTINUES got in your script)
DESCRIPTION I found also very good. I don’t know why some of the reviewers did not like it, (I’m happy they have not read my poor descriptions in my screenplay) but I found them exactly like it must be in a spec script: not very wordy but very visual. (I had a small problem to visualize the scene in old lady’s house when Javon finds the cuts, but it can be caused by my bad English and by the fact that I did not expect the cats to be in a such miserable estate, and I think also medstudent has a pretty nice suggestion about this scene)  
CHARACTERS. Brianna’s character was as full for me as the others (maybe even fuller than others) Javon and Meredith. When I read she was leaving the house in age 16, I thought you should considering to add her 2-3 years  (I sow later one reviewer also suggested to make her 1 but when I finished the script I found that age 16 was more appropriated and correct.  She was not leaving because she wanted to, but because she was forced by her parents’ attitude toward her. It was more the act of protest than voluntary act. And there are thousand of children (even younger 12-14 years old) who leave the house.
Jason. It looks like taxidermy was more his hobby then his desire to make $$$ from it.  He straggles for $ so why not state boldly that by turning dead animals into art he wants make a lot of $$$? And in the episode were his brother Conner “throws” Meredith out, I think Javon must protest against his brother and his girlfriend. Not just say “Meredith you does not deserve to be treated like that”! A man must always defend a girl he loves! It will make him greater person. More active… more romantic… Plus, if he let’s say punches his brother in the face for his rude behavior, he will be evicted from Conner’s house automatically and it will add one more reason why he so easily accepts to rent a flat with Brianna.    
Meredith looks also great. But it seems like she is more preoccupied with her Kendo then with her boyfriend. But still I thing it is okay because her occupation and fear (“what if it does not work” to live together P. 96) drives the screenplay.
STORY. About the story itself… There was a love, jealousy, drama, humor and even chase. Everything. And all of them were made in a good proportion, but still to make an Hollywood film it needs everything a bit more (beat more love, or bit more humor or bit more chase (you know Hollywood, I must agree with a few reviewers, it is a nice script for Indies)
In your script I liked also the fact that nothing was copied from the other movies. It was a kind of original.
DIALOG. I think dialog was good also. Reading them I did not feel any discomfort. They were not forced and they were not false. They were natural.
GRAMMAR. I can’t say anything about that. And you know why.
SRUCRURE. For me every story is well structured if it reads interestingly. Your script did it.
Hunting scene was funny (page 1-5). I did not laughed out loud when Flakka shut himself but the fact itself that the hunter could not shut a cut but shut himself was great (as an hunter, and my father was an hunter also, I appreciated this scene) one of the readers had a good question. Would not cows run away from the gun fire instead of toward it? I remember once I fired my gun in my granddads estate and his cow (which was standing in a few feet away) did not make a step, she just raised her head. Next morning I fired my gun near a lot of cows and they run not directly to my direction but not in the opposed direction either. I found question theoretically correct but I think cows can run in any direction if they panic. (Few years ago, on Manhattan, a driver in a panic pushed on the gas instead of the break and killed a few people and injured a lot, so we can't expect better from the cows)
I liked how easily and well you described Rixon’s family (Page 6-9) on those three pages you managed to show not only the characters but whole situation in this family and you did it so successfully that I had no any questions and any doubts in Brianna’s behavior and in her character. I found these pages to be like an engine for this script. Without it the script could be nothing. I’m sorry I can’t express more clearly because of my poor English but I hope you get my point.
Yeas, I could not see where this story was heading (like a few other reader) from the beginning but it did not bother me. More even, it made me to turn the pages (your good stile of telling the story helped here). I don’t like most of Hollywood’s films. As soon as they start you know where they are heading.  
Sorry it took me more time to write this review than I expected (my English!) so now I must run to work. I have off from my main job but I still have another. My life is sh..t.
I have a few ideas about what scenes I would change. But I send it to you by email if you are interested.
And I will finish reading your another script as soon as possible. This script was good but another seems even better (Judging by first pages and the fact that I prefer suspense to drama/comedies) I hope my review was helpful so far.
Good luck!

Thanks for the read. I think I got enough feed back to have another stab at this script. right after finish the one I am writting now I just might do that.

I liked the direction you took with this.  There's a lot of things that scream to your taste and personal style and I liked that.  It makes it personal and I dig that.  You also write the lines in a very personal style and I like that too.

You actually seem to have a very reverse order to your writing maturity.  Most people take forever to develop a personal style that they own.  You really owned this script.  However, the structure is really what bothered me.  The development of the story and the characters.  I didn't really find myself caring about Javon, or Meridith, or Brianna.  I didn't feel really moved by what happened in their relationships.

I like your crisp plot turn when Javon and Brianna end up sharing an apartment.  You brough them together really well.  But other than that your momentum sputtered out.  Keep coming up with more twists and turns through the whole thing.

You are really working with something here and I hope you continue to play around with this one.  It's a lot of fun.

Hey Tonka,
Just finished reading your script, and I will start my comments from the end...I was very surprised that you didn't have Merrideth's parents attend the fight in the end, it would've been a perfect ending and you would've proved to us, and to the father that daughters can make their daddys proud as well...I'm just saying that because you made it a point that the father wanted a son all along and when he had his wish, he ignored his daughters, and I really thought you would put closure to that by having him attend (without her knowing) his daughter's bright and shiny moment when she wins the competition in the end...

But I like the story... It started out slow but kicked into gear right around page 30, and kept moving at a nice pace.

Your scenes are well written. Brianna riding the peewee over her parents bed was awesome.

The scene in the old lady's house with the Retarded Giant and the kittens in the jars was great...This was the best scene in the script, well thought of...The slingshot shooting garbage was sick and funny.

I didn't care much for the dream sequences.

Over all this story was an easy read, easy to follow and the characters were real. I was able to visualize all the sequences of each act. Your dialogue is very good, and I think I told you that after reading your previous work.

The only thing that I wished to see in this story is what I mentioned early on, a closure on the relationship between the parents and their daughters, you kind of left that open even though you had a great chance towards the end at the competition...But that shouldn't take away from some of the creative scenes and the colorful characters you created. Good work Tonka.

There are few typos here and there, but nothing distracting...Page 44, you need to take out the (V.O) or apply it throughout the conversation.

Thanks for the read everybody.

To Joshywa in regards to not finding the characters appealing. I must say I find that interesting. What makes a character appealing to the reader? I wonder if the moral stance of the person or their social experience will determine what they will appreciate or find annoying in a fictional character?

My beliefe is writing fictional character is like breeding goats. You have a goat with big horns that are so long that everytime the goat head butts the fence, it does so much damage that your fence will have to be replaced. So now you try to fix the problem by bringing in some more goats and make them breed than select the goat with smaller horns and keep breeding that until you have a goat with no horns at all.  You've gone to all that trouble and expense of goats when all you had to do in the first place was move the goat with big horns away from the fence.

Writing fictional characters is like that . . . kind of.