I apologize for the long delay.


-A first page that is entirely gray text is discouraging.  Trim down the description in the first 10 pages to lure the eyes.
-Colloquial dialog, when over-used, can break up the scene and be distracting to a reader.  I don't suggest deleting, but rather limiting the use of words like "gonna, shoulda," etc.
-Loud dialogue doesn't usually need to be CAPITALIZED.
-I realize that tough criticism can be difficult, but blackwrite put it very well when he described his feelings about the first 10 pages.  We're just not sure where the cab is headed...and frankly, I'm thinking of just getting out.

All of the other issues are really not a big deal, but this last one is, I'm afraid.  It just didn't pull me along.

Very Australian, LOVED IT!

Small details…
Get rid of the continued, no need for them.
p.15 dialogue…any who… shouldn’t it be “how”
p.31 weekly should be”weakly”
P.33 Shite? Was that meant to be shit?
Cheerio is more pommy than Scottish, lol…
My first giggle came with the retarded giant.
I would use his name instead of retarded giant.
P.47 That’s too bad, not “to”

P.48 to 51 A laugh a minute, lol…so unexpected.
A retarded giant and an old crazed up cat woman, lol… Now that was funny…If you could incorporate a few more laughs like that in the script…It would be fantastic.
BTW…what happens to them?

I think Skylar is a bit of an A**hole and truly, I do not think a father would tell his daughter that they were a mistake.

P.76 I somehow don’t think the gang would be scared of Tango.

Why would the gang worry about Meredith? They do not seem the type to help anyone.

About Javon and Brianna…
If Meredith were wary of Javon and Brianna in the first place she wouldn’t have agreed to him moving in so quickly with Brianna.

I am tossing whether this script really fits the category of Comedy…It is more a drama…Boy infatuated by girl…Girl infatuated by boy…both coming from disjointed families.

To me the main and most powerful character is Brianna who seeks identity, love and attention; not really caring who she hurts in the process.

Your story has a tremendous potential.  It needs to be tightened a little but most importantly, you need to make it a little funnier; there is plenty of room for that.
I liked it and I think it would appeal to a wide audience.

The following is an opinion. No animals were harmed in the forming of this opinion. The author reserves his right to be wrong in regards to his opinion. Viewer discretion advised.  

Howdy tonka,

First off, I liked it a lot.

There was a lot of personality which I loved. Tons of fun, an at times deranged kind of fun, but fun none the less. You had interesting characters spewing out of every orifice, it was great.

My favorite was Miyazaki (Japanese guy with a Scottish accent= hilarious) Which brings me to another point, once I realized that they were Australian, and thus must be speaking with an Australian accent its hilarity increased ten fold. (I love accents, and, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I mean it as a compliment, but the Australian accent is the second most hilarious accent next to the Scottish one, a close second. I would trade my soul to speak with an Australian accent!)

I loved the dream sequences too. Funny and too the point, in terms of story, very entertaining.

Just one last thing before I get to the more serious criticisms: pg. 81 "Christ almighty, were dealing with a sicko" Hilarious, my favorite line in the whole thing.

Now about it being a drama or a comedy, there was no debate in my mind at all. For me it was totally a comedy. From page 25 on it started screaming comedy and never stopped.

Alright, now that all thats out of my system, some criticisms...
I don't think theres a whole lot to complain about. I think it has a couple of issues but overall its pretty spot on.

That said, my  biggest problem with the script is that the setup (basically the first act) took too long, and wasn't very entertaining for me (with some exceptions). Once it gets past about page 35 it takes off and has a nice pay off but getting there is, I think, your biggest problem. As far as I know there are two ways to deal with this: 1. Shorten it or 2. Making it so entertaining the audience doesn't care how long it takes.  

Concerning option #1:
As far as I can tell every scene you have up to that point serves some purpose (characterizes or sets up) My only suggestion is to, if possible, combine scenes or have one scene include multiple characterizations and set ups. Easier said then done, I know. I personally can't think of anything really. The only thing I'll say is that in the opening sequence, Flakka has quite a bit of screen time for a character that isn't that important. The only thing though is that he is the main gag in that sequence and with out him it would be pretty boring.

Concerning option #2:
What can I say? In the first act a lot of the jokes fell flat for me, besides Flakka, the Rixons, and the web cam joke I didn't laugh much. I'm not sure why. If I had to say, I guess at that point in the story I wasn't invested enough in Javon and Meridith to deal with their crap. And this is going off memory but if you cut out Flakka, the Rixon parents, and the web cam joke, I think your pretty much left with Javon and Meridith throwing set ups and feeling at one another.

Other minor concerns:

Brianna's ending felt unsatisfying for me.  I presume she had the third most screen time. And she was pretty likable. I for one got fairly invested in her. And then her conclusion left a bad taste in my mouth. She basically got screwed, which isn't a huge problem, but its also that she wasn't a horrible character so she didn't really deserve it, and then on top of that, everyone is still almost hostile towards her. Theres no sympathy at all. Like I said not a huge problem, but a little unsatisfying for me.

In the last half to third of the movie I felt there wasn’t enough Meredith-Javon interaction. I realize that’s the point but, I think Javon at least needs to be thinking about her a little more or something to keep their relationship (and problems) fresh in our minds. By the end, I, like most of the main characters had forgotten about her and her Kendo match. It seemed like she had become a minor character compared to Javon and Brianna. Unless that’s what your going for, which I don't know if I agree with if you are... I think if she is forgotten about by the audience too, we feel like: "Why is Javon going to settle with this girl? Shes completely unremarkable. I even forgot about her." And that will be less satisfying.

On pg. 65:  When Brianna is getting mad about Javon moving out and blaming it on not having enough money for rent seems to me to be a week reason; a little unbelivable. I suspect part of the reason she that she is upset because of her abandonment issues(with father and mother) and now Javon( the person who has been fulfilling this role, giving her attention) is leaving. So she is going crazy because she feels abandoned again. If that’s what your trying to say (I think it would work better this way if its not what your trying to say) you should be more clear about that. After her initial, more justified(because she feels abandoned) attack on Javon, it can then digress into the senseless back and forth squabble more believably.  

Another minor complaint I have is that sometimes I felt your dialog was a bit too expository. Besides the dream sequences and the very end (were I think it works and is kind of funny) it seemed unrealistic to just have people come out with these things. It  also at times made things kind of forced. Here are some example:

Pg. 24 Briana complaining, "they should know it would be important to me"

Pg. 17 "Horny guys, credit cards" line (you can get the idea across more subltely and with fewer words so it can have more punch)  

Pg. 31 Briana “I like you because you make me feel like I’m being noticed”

There were more but I'm too lazy to go back and dig them out. Two of my examples and other ones that I'm thinking of have to do with Brianna. It occurred to me that this just might be an aspect of her character, but honestly when I was reading it it just came off as lazy writing.  

One last thing, not really an issue but just putting it out there: Pg. 28 Skylar hitting Brianna.
I think that this was a little too heavy. If acted correctly I think It can be pulled off but when I was just reading it, for me, it messed up the tone. I think almost the same thing can be achieved with Skylar just yelling and threatening to hit her, then Javon jumping in and getting into blows with Skylar.

So once again, mostly minor stuff. I think the biggest problem was getting through the set up so the story can really get going. Once it does its very enjoyable.

Sheepwalker

Hello Tonka,

This is a very inventive and imaginative script.  It has a weird Donnie Darko meets a Midsummer's Night Dream feel.  There are some great scenes, but the Cat Ladies house is amazing.  It isn't just visually stimulating, but if you think about it it mirrors the character's relationship in an oddly demented way.  Javon, like the old lady, want to keep the cats living for eternity (also she puts them in jars to avoid confrontation...) - she just puts them in jars while Javon does taxidermy.  Briana, who acts childish, having to deal with a giant who still plays with toys.  It is both hilarious and symbolic.

While I liked the script, I thought it could be a bit better.  First, the character arcs seem forced.  First, I didn't feel any emotion between Meredith and Javon.  You need to give us a few scenes to show us they have actual emotions for us.  Otherwise it feels like Javon is just picking Meredith over Briana because he pities her, not because he really loves her.  Second, Javon, who is our main character, is also the weakest.  He is passive, for the most part.  Even the ending he where he runs to see Meredith has him being pushed into it by Briana.  We need to see him finally make a decision on his own.  Lastly, Briana needs an arc.  We need to see her grow up. Maybe form a relationship with Puck?  

Also, I'd like to see some resolution with their parents since they are the catalyst for the entire story to begin with.  Without Briana learning a lesson, Javon making a real decision, or the parents being there at the end... the story feels incomplete.  It has too many untied loose ends hanging there floating about in the breeze.  Tie them up though, and this story would be great.

James Moen

Thank you for the review.

Awesome how you found hidden meanings in the visuals. I get a kick out of readers who do that. It is not my intention when I did that scene but who knows what my subconscious is doing when I write.  

You pretty much said what others have said. So true and  I really would love to have another crack at this script and add the changes you suggested.   But I am to busy writing new scrpts and just don't have time to revisit old ones.

Thanks again for reading this and I am glad you enjoyed this- worts and all.  

Hey Tonka,

I just had a read through this and was really surprised and pleased by its content. It didn't feel like a comedy at all, more like a suburban fantasy drama.

I found Brianna to be by far the most engaging and interesting character. I felt that the relationship between her and Javon was what held the story together. For me the script was about her trying to grow up to fast. The fantasy element almost seemed like an exagerated version of her rebellious teenage insight into the world. Everything seemed to be from her point of view, it reflected her anti-authoritarian and alternative perspective.

I really felt that you betrayed her character in the end. For me the ending felt like a cliche romantic comedy. I think it was mostly because I really didn't like Merediths character. I thought she was selfish and completely bland. At the end when Meredith and Javon were standing together infront of their standard suburban house I couldn't help but feel dissapointed. I understand that this was about Meredith and Javons relationship, but I felt that everythig I liked about this story was left behind with Brianna.

Other than the ending there was so many scenes and characters in this that I loved.

The cat lady and the retarded Giant was the highlight of the script for me. It was classic fairy tale style and the most creative moment in the script. The vision of the retarded giant wrapped in christmas lights screaming on his knees was possibly the greatest thing I've ever come across in a script.

Puck and his gang were great. The character traits (masks, torana, flute) you gave them were excellent.

I really enjoyed the scene with Javon and Brianna fleeing the psycho father. I was hoping he was going to hop on his dirt bike and give chase. The son could've followed on his peewee.

Would the father really let Meredith back in the house though after she beat him with her Kendo stick?

Also, I really dont think that the RSPCA deserve to be presented as Nazis.

Overall I thought this worked brilliantly as a dark suburban fairy tale. On the other hand I think it failed at being a coming of age drama. I felt that the dialogue needed some work. It didn't feel real enough to stir up any emotion.
As I said before my biggest gripe was with the ending.
The script started with Meredith and Javon together, you presented there relationship as dysfunctional. Brianna always seemed to be the real love interest. The dramatic element in this script for me revolved around Javon accepting his love for Brianna and not giving a shit about what anyone thought. I really wanted them to get together.

Other than that I thought this script was fantastic. It was highly creative and original. I never knew what was going to happen next and I was constantly looking forward to the next insanely creative characters and situations to pop up.

Great work!!!

I read your screenplay from beginning to end because it had a great flow! That is an attention grabber for me; flow. Also, I love witty dialogue. There were moments in the screnplay where the dialogue was spot on with comedic on liners!

However, I felt that the father (Skylar I think his name is) character was a bit much when he literally beat Brianna to the ground. I thought that was too over the top. I understand why she acted out the way she did, but I felt that this was all out abuse. I also think that Brianna could have done less, and by this I mean inflicting less damage during her tantrumand it still would've been funny.

Another thing, Brianna is told she needs to grow up but there really is no resolve there. She goes away angry and resentful. Javon gets what he wants in the end, but I think the scene with the dad reacting to his daughters tantrum is a little harsh. He's an as****! But you can still make him an ass**** by toning it down.

I call this a dark comedy. It was a fast and enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to reading more stuff from you!

Jerry

Hi, Glenn!

Thanks for allowing me to read and review your screenplay. Let’s get to it!

Page 1:

You’ve introduced four people in the first minute. Judging by the heavy descriptions, I’m assuming each character has an important role in this screenplay. We’ll see if I can keep up.

Page 2:

There are a few grammar mistakes. For example, on page 2, “Flakka pulls backs the rifle’s bolt” should be “Flakka pulls back the rifle’s bolt.” Very minor stuff. Just keep an eye out.

Page 5:

Even though I’ve just started reading, the writing/style is pretty stellar so far.

Page 6:

I thought the “invisible box of emotional baggage” scene was pretty cheesy. Was this intentional?

Page 7:

Your characters have some strange names. Did you research these?

Page 8:

The kitchen scene is full of tension. You’ve established the distance between the parents and the youngest daughter, and it works. However, I was a little distracted by the bond between Javon and Brianna. I expect something to come out of this, especially since everyone else seems to be ignoring Brianna.

Page 10:

JAVON
Oh wow, it’s so cool your
moving out Brianna.

I can’t picture the best actor in the world pulling off this line. How about, “You excited about moving out, Brianna?” which would still keep the scene flowing without having to change anything else.

Page 11:

OK, ignore my previous advice. I see you wrote it this way for the dialogue to specifically stand out. It now makes sense for Meredith to mock him.

Page 13:

Also, be careful of word usage.

JEFF
Whoa mate, calm down. If you
feel that way about it than
maybe you should talk to your
misses.

Misses should be missus.

Page 18:

The confrontation between Meredith and Shyanne doesn’t work.

The reason I say this is because the decision to ask her to leave afterwards actually DOES work. The confrontation itself seems rushed, almost forced. You focus on the tension between Javon and Shyanne, rather than Shyanne and Meredith. So when Meredith starts mouthing off, it comes out of nowhere. Get what I’m saying?

Page 23:

I like Brianna riding around the house on the Peewee 70. Funny stuff. Good revenge.

Page 24:

The dialogue here is too “on the nose.” For example, “We were just a substitute until Mum and Dad conceived a boy” is just ridiculous. It’s supposed to be a serious line, but I smiled and shook my head. That’s not a good thing.

Also be aware of the golden rule, less is more. Example:

BRIANNA
I’ve got to go. That’s my
ride.

You’re telling us something twice. “That’s my ride” would suffice.

Page 25:

Molly’s sudden change of heart about moving comes out of nowhere. How long have they been planning to move out? Days? Weeks? MONTHS? And if she was a good friend to Brianna, wouldn’t she have known the entire reason for Brianna’s leaving is because she doesn’t talk to her parents? Why would she think for one second it’d be a good idea to leave a message with her dad!?

Page 28:

SKYLAR
You selfish bitch!

GRISELDA
Kick her arse good honey!

Even if I vandalized my mom and dad’s house, they would NEVER seriously talk about kicking my ass good. Maybe my parents are Bible huggers or something, but this line stuck out like a sore thumb. It actually frightened me that BOTH OF THEM are in such a furious mood. I expected the mother to be a little more sympathetic about the situation, maybe say something along the lines of “Skylar, don’t do anything stupid…” “Skylar, let her explain…” “Skylar, get a hold of yourself…” But no. She’s rooting for him!

AND SHE BITES JAVON!? WHAT KIND OF SCRIPT IS THIS!?

Page 33:

I wasn’t expecting the Asian—Miyazaki—to be speaking in a Scottish accent. Strange, and kinda funny.

Page 36:

Miss Tobin is the highlight so far for me. Funny stuff.

Page 39:

The group’s decision to visit the cat woman is amusing. However, I found a glaring plot hole. Why would Meredith return home after a brutal, physical altercation with her father? I just don’t believe this.

Page 47:

I’m not sure what the motivation is at this point. Are they expecting this old woman to have four dead cats in her house?

Page 57:

Javon flattening Miss Tobin’s cat is very funny. Her high-spirited wave would crack me up if this was a movie.

Page 58:

Miyazaki’s little joke is actually pretty funny.

Page 62:

Some of the scenes are starting to become jumpy. For example, Meredith and Javon were just in a heated argument, and then they suddenly embrace and kiss? How does that work exactly? I’m having trouble picturing this flowing as an actual movie.

Page 67:

Miss Tobin searching for her cat is amusing. I honestly expected her to ask, “Have you seen my pussy?”

Page 69:

“Javon leans against the balcony rail, looks over Perplexity Grove without seeing it.”

Good description. Any actor would appreciate a line like this.

Page 71:

How old do you have to be in Australia to rent a flat?

The reason I ask is because, since Molly backed out, I’m pretty sure the flat would be under Brianna’s name. But since she’s only 16, does that make her old enough to pay the rent in the first place? Obviously, her parents aren’t helping out.

And if either Javon or Brianna decided to stop paying the bills suddenly, wouldn’t Brianna really be the one getting in trouble in the first place since the flat is under her name? Her logic of Javon getting in trouble doesn’t make much sense because it’s HER credit at stake.

This is all very technical, but I spent some time thinking about it and thought I’d bring it up.

Page 78:

The RSPCA have arrived at Javon’s flat. I’m reminded of Jeffrey Combs’ character from The Frighteners, especially with the Nazi portrayal. It’s a funny, and intimidating, visual.

Page 89:

Meredith’s thought of punching Javon is the highlight of the script for me. It’s the first time I’ve laughed out loud. Great scene.

Page 97:

Javon and Meredith deciding to stay together is interesting. I don’t see what Javon sees in these girls; with parents like theirs, I would sleep at the opposite end of the earth.

Overall:

Glenn, I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into this screenplay, and it shows in most areas. Characterization, dialogue, and descriptions are all solid. You’re a very good writer.

The biggest problem with Perplexity Grove lies in the flow of things. The pacing needs more work because, as it is, your story is mildly jumbled and lacking focus. There are a large amount of subplots (renting the flat, finding dead cats, competing at the shiajo), but you don’t have a solid foundation for an actual premise. It’s just a series of things that happen to three people, and none of the events seem to connect coherently.

Your three major characters are good. I enjoyed and related to Meredith the most.

I also really got a kick out of minor characters like the RSPCA, who I felt weren’t given enough screentime.

You have some good moments of foreshadowing. I liked how the old cat woman briefly mentioned the RSPCA. Looking back, though, it would have been a lot of fun to see RSPCA officers ransack the old woman’s home while Brianna and Javon were there, tackling the old lady to the floor and having her sent to jail. Can you imagine a hunchback woman being pinned to the wall with guns pointed at her?

The script looks polished and professional, but it needs another draft to improve upon the story and the pacing. This is a concept that’s hard to sell, and it needs to immediately jump off the page if you want any producer to discover it.

I wish you the best with this.

- Chris