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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Perplexity Grove Moderators: bert
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  Author    Perplexity Grove  (currently 8110 views)
Don
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Perplexity Grove by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Comedy - When Javon fails to convince his girlfriend Meredith to move into a unit with him, he decides to rent a unit with Meredith's younger sister. 103 pages - pdf, format


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mgj
Posted: June 6th, 2006, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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This one had a dark sense of humor that, I think, alot of people will get a kick out of.  You've taken a relatively simple storyline and populated it with colorful characters while infusing them into amusing situations.

Most of the characters felt real and, I imagine, were based on, or at the very least composits of people you know or knew.  From that perspective it was easily relatable and gave it an edgy, urban feel.

I think though, that there needs to be a little more at stake from the main character's perspective for this to achieve maximum impact with the audience.  Even if the journey itself is a pleasant one there needs to be something quite dramatic and damaging on the line for us to champion this guy on or it'll keep us detached emotionally and will function then only as comedy.  I never really got the sense that Javon would be entirely crushed if things didn't ultimately work out between him and Meredith.  

Maybe you could play this up a bit more - that they really were soul-mates but he was just too dense to see it.  I would have liked to see her fight a little harder for him.  At least that was my take on their relationship.  Possibly you could steer the focus a little more in that direction if you do any rewrites.

I am glad that he did finally come to his senses and get back with Meredith.  Nerds are always more interesting I find, both in the real and reel world.


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tonkatough
Posted: June 7th, 2006, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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Thank you mgj for taking the time to read my script. It pleases me that you enjoyed it.

Yes, raising the stakes is one thing I really struggle with when writing.  With a movie like Raiders Of The Lost Ark, where the situation is life or death, the stakes are pretty obvious. But in a more simple movie like Punch Drunk Love or Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, than pin pointing what's at stake and raising them is for me very difficult and challenging.

I am pleased you pointed out this weakness in my writing and will do everything with in my ability to correct it with future writing.


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Parker
Posted: June 26th, 2006, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Well Tonkatough, I've just finished reading Perplexity Grove. I must say first that it was a well written script, which I very much liked.

The formatting was great, nothing wrong with it, though, it's probably just the way I write but the dialogue looked a little clumped together. I usually have the dialogue seperated by two lines where it seems you only have used one. It's not a big deal seeing as it would make your script look longer than it actually is but it just made my eyes go funny after a while.

The characters are huge in your story. They're very rich with their own style, which is imperative, for me, in a script. I really got to imagine each character speaking their own lingo. The only problem was with Javon and Meredith, especially at the end between pages 94, I think it was, to page 97. The dialogue was fine there and the situation was handled well, it's just, I don't know, I really can't quite put my finger on it. Right at the point where Meredith tells Javon that she will rent a place with him, I was thinking that there needed to be a bit more here. I couldn't quite get what Meredith was feeling. Between the part where Javon says:

"Please Meredith. I beg you.
Take a risk with me. Let’s
rent our own place together."

And Meredith's next line:

"I will. I will Jav!"

I felt she needed a pause where she thinks and she gets truly emotional about him and it's the point where she feels it is the right move, you know? Sorry for making a huge deal about it. It's usually small matters like that, which become bigger points for me.

The story was colourful at times amusing. I really like the title Perplexity Grove. The characters are quite unique, their names are some I've never even heard of, which is a good thing. I sometimes hate characters when they have normal names like Jack, John, Rachel and other names that are so common. Not hate but you know...

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. I few touches here and there and you will have something you can be very proud of with your name on it.

GBM


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tonkatough
Posted: June 27th, 2006, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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Thanks GBM for the exellent review.  Your criticism was appreciated and i will take it into consideration with future scripts I write.

But I will just say that both you and Mgj have spotted a minor flaw with story that is that Meredith and Javon's love for each other is not passionate and romantic as love is usely portrayed in hollywood movies. It is rather luke warm, a kind of comfortable love that may not seem worth fighting for. I think this may be the problem you both see with the script.    

I carefully pick all my names from a baby name book I own specifically for writing. it has over a thousand names from all over the world. If you are ever short on names for characters you can just do a web search for baby names and should hit some lists.


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michel
Posted: July 3rd, 2006, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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I've read your script I found it pretty good. Dialogs are vivid and the characters are delighful. As mgj sublined it, your characters look like being inspired by people you know. The situations are funny and you sure know how to write a (black) comedy.

One question remains to me anyway: heve you got any problems with cats? LOL

Well done tonkatough

Waiting for your next script

Michel


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tonkatough
Posted: July 4th, 2006, 5:04am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Michel. I've got another one of your scripts lined up I am keen to read soon.

It may be hard to believe by the script I have written but I am actually a cat lover and own a pet cat. cats are cool.


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greg
Posted: July 20th, 2006, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry for the delayed review.  I'm slowly getting through it so I figured I'd post a little something here to bump your script up.

I'm about a third of the way through and I'm honestly not feeling much.  You have this listed as a comedy, but right now I'd consider it more of a drama piece with some slapstick humor in it.  I guess that depends on how you would envision this on the screen, though.

I'm at the part where Javon and Brianna have just arrived at Perplexity Grove and I really don't know what to think of it yet.  I came into this looking for some jokes and stuff but it's yet to really deliver.  I'll finish this up and post my complete review hopefully soon.

Format looks good.  Get rid of the CONTINUES junk.  The reader knows that it continues.  Typing it out just clutters up the page, ya know?

Anyway, I'll try to finish this up soon.

LATER THAT WEEK....

Okay, finally got around to finishing this.  So I said that at around page 30 it wasn't working for me.  Afterward it started moving though.  There was more obvious humor as well as clever dialogue to complement it and move the story along.

What I think you should concentrate on is adding in more witty and snappy dialogue into the earlier pages and expand more on the comedy.  Yeah, there is some dark humor and stuff in here, but as a comedy it just didn't work on that alone.  Everytime you involved a curse word, I found myself chuckling, and you used them at just the right time to keep my interest.  I'd read, get a little tired, then you had the occassional quirk and that got my interest back into it.  You need alot more of that spread throughout your 103 pages.

The conflict can also use some more, well, "suspense."  The central problem of the story is really more of an issue.  Guy rents a place with sister of girlfriend, girlfriend gets jealous, they're worried about money...there needs to be more.  Maybe involve more themes of conflict centering around money, like maybe Javon works at McDonald's and needs to pay for medication or something.  I don't know.  It just needs more to it.

I can tell right off the bat that you care about your characters, which is excellent.  It truly shows throughout the story.  I liked Javon alot as I did Meredith and Brianna.  Some of your supporting characters were hilarious such as Sensei Miyazaki, the Retarded Giant and Tango the clown.  Some of the minor characters, a perfect example being Meredith's parents, could have had more to them.  I mean they throw a huge fit in the beginning and then we only hear from them once more and it's very brief.  Maybe throw in some more stuff for them.

Initially I was disappointed when I started reading, but the story eventually picked up.  Adding in more witty dialogue is central I think for the success of this story, because in a comedy you don't want to lose your audience 30 pages into it.  Despite my criticism, I think you're a very talented writer.  The story shows effort, heart and care was put into it, so big kudos to you.  I wish you best of luck in the future on this!


Be excellent to each other
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tonkatough
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Greg. I didn't know what you where talkiing about with the continues so I had to check over my script. I see now. I use Final Draft and the program automatically puts them in.

The script is a drama/comedy so maybe this is why it did not have as much comedy as you thought. If I put it in the drama section people would say it was to humourous and if I put it in comedy people will say it is to dramatic. I guess its the same as saying if the glass is half full or half empty.


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Nixon
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry for the delay. I haven’t had a chance to check out any of the other reviews so if anything sounds mundane and repetitive, just ignore it.

Alrighty. First off, I’ve got to give you credit for originality. This was something new and refreshing.

Format:

Nothing wrong in this department, everything looked fine except one thing. I notcied that "(CONTINUED) and CONTINUED:" is plastered on each page, top and bottom. I’m not a hundred percent sure, but that’s not really necessary and after awhile it gets kind of distracting.

Dialogue:

It a story like this, dialogue is key and for the most part, you nailed it. Every character's dialogue suited them and made them seem believable.

Descriptions:

Your one weak spot, would probably be the descriptions. They’re just lacking an essence and detail. If you’re planning on a rewrite, I’d work on flushing out your descriptions.  


So overall, really good. I have no major problem with this one. Now I'm off to read more entries for the One Week Exercise Thing.

-Zavier  


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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TAnthony
Posted: August 10th, 2006, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Perplexity Grove was a great read, and to me it had a real Sideways feel to it. Javon, Merideth, and Brianna were very lovable characters and you found some very interesting situations to put them in. There were a lot of funny parts, but this should definitely be considered Comedy-Drama.

SPOILERS--------------------------

-I’m on page 10 and there hasn’t been many jokes or laughs in it. It’s still great, but I can already tell it’s going to be more of a comedy-drama.

There were a lot of supporting characters that I liked and some that I didn’t much care for. For example the ones I liked were. Griselda Rixon and Skylar Rixon… they were hilarious. Griselda: “kick her arse good honey!” – hilarious. When you say Griselda Rixon dresses like a twenty-year old you should definetly go into details of how she does that.  

The supporting characters that didn’t really work for me were Flakka and Jeff and Monica and Alison. Flakka and Jeff act a lot alike. So do Monica and Alison. Those scenes would be even more funny of their personalities differed.

When Javon first tells Merideth that he is moving in with her sister, I was expecting Merideth to put u more of a fight, but she really didn’t. She was supposed to be strong, but she sort of just accepted that one. There already seemed to be some sexual tension between Javon and Brianna.

I love the part where Javon and Brianna got to the old women’s house looking for her thirty cats. That was just great. The retarded giant part is sort of mean. Funny, but mean.

Brianna living with a bunch of men from Punk’s game seemed really unrealistic. She’s the only woman living with a whole bunch of guys who are practically a gang. I might be able to see with people she knew, but not with strangers.

Loved the script and can’t wait for your next one. I could definitely see this being produced.

Good Luck.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

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tonkatough
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Thanks for the reviews Nixon and Tanthony.

Nixon I'm not quite sure what you mean by my action lacking detail. I was under the inpression that in scriptwriting you should write as little detail as possible, just enough to get the image across. But maybe you are referring to that I may need to use stronger adjectives or averbs. Now that would make sense.

Tanthony you are absolutly right in Flakka and Jeff sounding the same. If you hadn't pointed it out I would never have noticed. Now I feel kind of stupid. But I am glad you made me aware of it so I can avoid it in future scripts I write. thank you

I plan to submit another script to this website somethime in the future. Keep a look out for it.

Now I am off to finish reading your Loud & Nasty script.


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Nixon
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Quoted from tonkatough

But maybe you are referring to that I may need to use stronger adjectives or averbs. Now that would make sense.


Yeah, that’s what I was trying to get at. What you have now just seemed like the bare essentials, very bland. It almost read like a spec script, but then maybe that was what your aim was. It’s definitely not about the length of a description; just don’t come off sounding like a robot.    

-Zavier  



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I WAS WRONG.
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Shelton
Posted: September 9th, 2006, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Ended up with a little bit of free time so I figured I'd check this one out.

First off, the wording in some of these descriptions seems odd.

"Javon looks embarrassed, glances at Meredith"

"Javon looks agitated, thrusts his hands into his pocket"

"Brianna turns around to face Javon, smiles sweetly"

All three verbs after the comma would be better suited with an -ing on the end, or as the beginning of a new sentence.  He glances, He thrusts, She smiles.  Currently, at least to me, they just look kind of weird.

I'm on Page 28 now, and I'm just starting to get a taste of what's in your logline, although I have no idea how long it will take for javon to be convinced.  I'm guessing it won't be long based on how he's looked at her, but we'll see.  Also, this huge blowout from the parent is making this REALLY hard to view as a Comedy, but you've already commented on your difficulty with genre placement.  I've had this problem too so no big deal.

Ok, it didn't take long at all for him to be convinced.  Must be the trashy clothes.  The thing with this scene is that Meredith seems to go along with it too easily.  Earlier on you painted her as being much more jealous of Brianna, and I'm just not feeling it here.  You say she's disappointed, frightened, and troubled, but I don't think that would come off too well on screen.

Wow, I wasn't expecting Master Blaster at the old lady's house.  Interesting.

The dream sequence should be tagged as one.

My, that was a touching heart to heart between Skylar and Meredith.

Ok, I'm done.  You ended this on a relatively happy note, but the odd thing is that I didn't get any sense of any kind of relationship between Javon and Meredith until about the last 5 pages.  All through the script, he's infatuated with Brianna, she's worried about her Kendo tourney, and they hardly ever spend any time together.

I think you need to fill in the gaps between them just a bit, because when it was all said and done, I just didn't care whether they stayed together or not, and with a story like this that has romantic undertones, the reader should care.

Other than that, I did think it was a solid effort.  The story kept my interest throughout.  After reading it in its entirety though, I would highly recommend moving it to the Drama section.  This is much closer to Drama than Comedy.

If I can help out in any other way, just let me know.




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Higgonaitor
Posted: September 10th, 2006, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey, I'm in the middle of this (I'll give you my review later) but for now, I have a question?

Is this supposed to be like a modern australian "midsummer nights dream"?  Cuz that would be cool, and I sort of see it right now (puck was just introduced)


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tonkatough
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Um .  . . I'm sorry higgonaitor but no, that was not my intention. Midsummer nights dream was the last thing on my mind when writing script. I have never read that play.

But yes there is a bit of a wink wink nudge at Puck with that character. Glad you picked it up. I am a huge fan of fairy mythology and puck who is . . . um let me recall . . . damn I got to go to my bookshelf and pull out my big book on faires.

Oh yeah here it is. Puck is a scottish Brownie who is the spirit of pranks and mischeif. So it seemed appropiate to have a reference to him- sort of a symbol -through the leader of the punks that terrorize Perplexity Grove.

I hope this answers your question.


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Higgonaitor
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Yeah, i kind of realized that as I wnet through, although it would sort of work and might be a good idea.

Anyway, this worked out nicely, and ended with a bang.  There definetely were funny parts, butr I think this might fit better under a drama heading.

Anyway, some problems: The parents hatrid for the sisters (or apathy) needs more than the fact that their "just girls" thatcan't be it.  Perhaps Damon is a miracle baby that should have died or somethjing, attracting all the attention and making the girls feel like outcasts.

As for the retarded giant scene, I think you should find a more PC term.  Also, I know that you wo'y get rid of the whole cat killing, and you are are pretty sensitive with it, but this is an extremely sensitive subject (at least in the states) and although it leads to some hilarious moments and jokes, you need to be aware just how much that could completely turn off an audience.

One more thing, I felt like there were issues with Briana that were not solved at the end.

Otherwise, great job, a script that really kept me going, kudos to you, Ilook forward to more of your work.

-Tyler


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Higgonaitor
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Okay, I was kind of rushed with my last review and thought I'd help out a bit more.

I loved when Briana and main guy were going to the old womans house, it had just a happy surreal feel to it that really worked, kind of reminded me of Garden State.

That whole sequence seemed to be the absolute tie between Briana and main guy, which is why it seemed so odd how she was just left out of the ending.  To be completely honest, I almost expected him to go with Briana at the end, and although I am glad you ddn't do that, I think we need more closure on Brianna.  Perhaps something about her needing to take her decisions less lightly, and that main guy and Meredith are always there to help her, and both love her, but....I dunno, something like that.  You can't end a movie with two of the main characters still real upset at eachother, well you can, but I don't think you should.

Hope that helped a bit moe, once again, great job.

-Tyler.  


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
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tonkatough
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thank you Mike and Tyler for your reviews.

Mike the main problem you had with the lack of romance between two main characters has been a constant theme with most the reviews regarding this script. This is the one flaw that my script seems to have. Better luck next time I guess.

Tyler, thanks for pointing that out with Brianna, I didn't notice it.  The way I looked at it Javon is the main character and I guess Brianna was the temptation or "forbidden fruit" that he had to get past to progress with his relationship with Meredith. but you have made a very vaild point and I will look into it. thank you.

And yes I will be posting more scripts in the not too distant future. (as soon as I finish writing them)


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Steve-Dave
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I finished this a lot sooner than I thought I would. Mostly because it was hard to stop reading this, you did a great job in keeping the story interesting throughout. A few things I think could be improved on however. Questions and comments are as follows, I'll start off with the bad.

I'm not australian, so I think some of the slang was lost on me. pigdog? what's a "dag"? breakfast lunch and "tea"? do you guys say tea for dinner?

Your biggest problem I thought was with the description. They are worded oddly sometimes, as I saw Mike already pointed out before. More "ands" or pronouns should be incorporated. I also think you could cut out and/or condense a lot of description and cut some length off the script. ESPECIALLY when you introduce people. Example:
FLAKKA is a tall, solid bloke in his late twenties. He
charges through the ferns that over run the forest floor,
carries a bolt-action rifle with a large scope attached to
it.
could be written more along the lines of
FLAKKA, late 20's, tall and solid, charges through the ferns
that over run the forest floor. He carries a bolt-action rifle
with a scope attached.

You could trim at least a few lines from your description on everypage, and definetely to every introduction. It moves a lot quicker and cuts down on length. I've been condensing my action in re-writes as i used to do the same thing. The chase scene with the giant could also be conveyed in just a few sentences and you've got a whole page dedicated to that chase. Maybe it's not that big a deal, but To me anyways, a lot of description could be condensed.

This was what I noticed too...
INT. LOUNGE ROOM - MORNING
Brianna stands alone in the lounge room,

If you've got INT. LOUNGE ROOM, you don't have to reiterate that in the description. Another thing that I've been eliminating from my scripts as of late.

There were also a significant amount of misspellings as well. And you put a lot of "thans" when they should be "thens".

You probably shouldn't refer to the retarded giant as the retarded giant either. I don't care either way personally, but other people might find it offensive. I'd just refer to giant as samuel

We go too long without seeing merideth after old lady incident I think. You should cut to Merideth doing something, even if it's just practicing her kendo fighting, or incorporate more from the parents.

Flakka and the parents I feel should have had more of a role in it as well. Maybe even something where Brianna moves back in with her parents at the end. And i think that Brianna and Javon should end on such harsh circumstances, and why'd she go through all that work busting him out for Merideth, and then say that she hates both of them at the end. It just didn't seem to fit. And why at the beginning is Javon on a cat hunting trip, but later in the script, different cat killing opportunities come up, but he now suddenly has a cat conscience? That seemd off to me as well.

Other than the above, I liked the script a lot. I thought this eliminated a lot of cliches. I thought the angle that the "pretty" sister is ignored  too was Interesting to me. I thought at the beginning since one was nerdy and the other pretty you would definitely have the parents ignoring the "ugly" one. So that was a pleasant surprise. I liked how you worked their relationship with the parents, which is why I would have liked to see more of it. The angle of moving in with the sister was an odd angle too that I liked.

cats in pickle jars was so weird, in a good way. Congratulations on that. This was worth the read just for that one scene with the giant and the old lady.

All and all this had a very twisted humor and blurred genres, which I praise completely. I'd say that this was more of a drama or "Dramedy" if you will, and think it would have done better in the drama section. Don't you just hate having to label your scripts with a genre? I know I do. This had a very Coen brothers feel to it, or Welcome to the Dollhouse, with the dark humor intertwined with the heavy dramatic overtones. I think you did well with it. That's a hard balance to accomplish correctly. The characters a great and distinct, and the situations (the house trashing, puck and his boys in the masks, the rspca, cat killing, the old lady and pickle jars) are all very memerable, original, and oddly intriguing, and the vibe that comes off of this is unique. You have a very distinct voice all your own, and I will keep an eye out from something by you in the future.






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iamyourfather
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Original is an understatement for this script. You took the story in directions I never would have thought of. I got the whole "Midsummers Night Dream" feel to. I think you did what any screenwriter can do for a reader; you kept it flowing and well formatted. Having that out of the way it allowed me to get into the story and enjoy everything you had to tell.

The characters are unique as well as the setting. The love triangle thing has been done, but it never gets old. I was actually hoping Javon would end up with Brianna. I kind of root for the characters who have an unbridled passion for each other, over the comfortable luke warm relationships. But then again, that's where you surprised me.

The script feels like a European film; a movie like "Amelie" perhaps. I think it's ready for Producers to take a look at and decide what they feel they can do with it. You've made a foundation; some people will like it, others may not. Keep up the good writing my friend.

Luke Bradshaw
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JD_OK
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Just gonna go ahead and start the post so you know im reading it. Quick things.

Pg 1 Loose back to scene,and POV references. Just reword it to get your point across.

Really do not need these continues at top and bottom. Wasted space. We know its still going till scene changes.


Pg 15.That bro thing is kind of tedious.

You have a few paragraphs over rule of thumb. 4 lines only

Fix sentence page 23

By page 25, I haven’t laughed at all. Comedy? This feels more like a drama, with some joking moments in it. At least at this point. I mean Dealing with seriousness, about parents not loving them and wanted a boy all along. Seems to be a lot more emotional things happening. Not bad story telling just yet tho.

still reading.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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tonkatough
Posted: September 30th, 2006, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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I'm so busy reading other people's scripts and reviewing that I totally forgot about my own. Thanks for the read guys.

Sryknow. Thanks for the tip regarding writing action. I am always looking for ways to cut back on words on my scripts so I can fit more story into the page limit.



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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: October 1st, 2006, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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My first 100 page script read. Good job mate. Although i do agree with some of the critisisms above i liked this story.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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tonkatough
Posted: October 1st, 2006, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Ape. There are other great 100 pages script floating about on these threads. Indulge yourself.  


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JD_OK
Posted: October 6th, 2006, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey tonka, sorry I have been moving, and just got back my net connection. Are you still going to read T.K.? I about finished with review.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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tonkatough
Posted: October 7th, 2006, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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Yeah. I got TK on my list. Will read as soon as I finish devil may cry


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JD_OK
Posted: October 9th, 2006, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Ill post section at a time, till you are done with the review.

Pg 25 – Brianna climbs into cab with confidence. I think that says everything you want, without usen the pride and lust for adventure part. Cuz we really cant see all that.

Pg 31 weekly, I think you mean weakly
Pg 32. you can simplify those 2 paragraphs, about the fighters and what everyone wears. Cause it is repetitive info.
Pg 35. ext. vet- proud owner” Scene is unnecessary, well at least to me, why purpose does it serve? We already know he will own 4 cats in 2 weeks. He didn’t leave with a cat so he doesn’t own jjust yet. And its not humorous (again, at least to me)
Pg. 35 ext.bus stop. Try to reframe from restating things. Ex.: a public bus pulls up to BUS STOP. We know it is bust stop from scene heading.  I think you have over written a lot things so far. I have fell victim to it as well. I’m going thru me too and editing a lot which I though was needed. But my consultant says different, says you gotta Say as much in as possible in the fewest words.

EXAMPLE: on pg 32.

Kendo practitioners, dressed in clad armor, wielding shinai and helmets, surround two in the centre of the Dojo.

MIYAZAKI, forty four Japanese sensei. He kneels separate from the group, dressed in his armor and shinai beside him.

                    MIYAZAKI
               HAJIME!
Everything you basically said, alot less words.

OCT 9th

Quite twisted story so far, from a dad yelling bitch and slapping his own daughter, to Brianna calling it a adventure to kill cats…

Pg 40, Im not buying that Meredith can still live in a house, where she kicked her dads ass, and made him bleed.

Side note: How are these 2 brianna and javon afford to rent their own apt? bri work? Has she saved money? (maybe I missed it) and Javon, what does he do? Forks out for rent, and it is totally fine to pay for dead cats? I’ve never heard of selling dead animals, but going to a vet, it would be more realistic (to me) that the vet would give him for free, she he doesn’t have to depose of the corpse himself.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  October 10th, 2006, 2:18am
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dresseme
Posted: October 14th, 2006, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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Ok, I'm at page 30, and I figure seeing as Plot Point #1 was introduced, I should make a few comments.

First off, great descriptions.  They really enhance this stong character piece that you've written.  I feel like I really know the characters.  It reminds me of how in "Little Miss Sunshine" the characters are given so much depth that you almost feel that they go on living after the movie is done.  Good dialogue too. Very quick witted.  I would have to agree with earlier posters that this reads more like a comedy-drama.  

Ok, onto some critiques:

1) I really do like that you chose Kendo as the sport Meredith partakes in.  It's very unique, and it's not something run-of-the-mill you see in every film.  However, I fear that the scene where she goes in, kneels down and kisses the sword saying "Forgive me Sensei" (or something to that effect) might come off as cheesy.  I understand why you did it, and it does say something about the character, but I don't know how it would play in the end.  But if you're confident it would play well, then so be it.

2) Perhaps more hesitation on Javon's part before he accepts the invitation to live with Brianna.  I know you're trying to portray him as the good guy, but I don't know if anyone would accept that quickly without a little extra proding.  Moving into a new place is a big deal and I think it might take a bit more.

3) Now maybe this is just me, but I'm a fan of reaction shot comedy.  So perhaps after Javon says "I'm the proud owner of a dead cat!" you could show the reaction shot of someone passing by.  Or perhaps there's an entire bus stop of people standing in front.  Or PETA protesting, or something... I don't know.  Some consider reaction shot comedy beating a joke into the ground, but I've always found it funny.

On to more reading!
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dresseme
Posted: October 14th, 2006, 8:43am Report to Moderator
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Ok, finished!  Man, I'm a readin'-machine.

Ok, I take back what I said about it being a comedy/drama.  I mean, there's elements of drama in there, but what comedy doesn't have that?  It came apparant to me around the mid-way point (somewhere near the catlady) that this was full-fledged comedy.

I really enjoyed this script and would love to see it made into a film because there are a ton of great visual jokes.  My only fear for this script is of it getting made.  It's not a very "Hollywood" script.  This is one of those scripts that you'd have to make yourself on a small indie budget, release it in fesitvals, and watch it go big.  But who knows, there are tons of production companies nowadays looking for unique multi-character stuff like this.  

I honestly have no other real critiques to say about this.  I was interested in it the whole way through.  I guess the only critique I could think of was that it started kind of slow, but it really did pick up. Good job!
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tonkatough
Posted: October 15th, 2006, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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Yippee! My life is a little more brighter cause I got some more reviews for my script.

Thanks JD-OK. Thou i found it interesting that you criticise how seem unrealistic that Vet would sell dead cat to Javon but fail to remark on how vet smoke a pipe while doing surgery on a animal which is very unrealistic and just wrong. But I did it becuase I was going for a surreal style (eg: Coen Brothers.) You seem to miss this while everyone else picked up on it.

Dressme. Your idea with the PETA reaction shot had me rolling around on the floor laughing my arse off. But now I am crying and banging my head on my desk cause I was to stupid to think of that when I was writing this script. Damn!


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JD_OK
Posted: October 16th, 2006, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough
Yippee! My life is a little more brighter cause I got some more reviews for my script.

Thanks JD-OK. Thou i found it interesting that you criticise how seem unrealistic that Vet would sell dead cat to Javon but fail to remark on how vet smoke a pipe while doing surgery on a animal which is very unrealistic and just wrong. But I did it becuase I was going for a surreal style (eg: Coen Brothers.) You seem to miss this while everyone else picked up on it.

Dressme. Your idea with the PETA reaction shot had me rolling around on the floor laughing my arse off. But now I am crying and banging my head on my desk cause I was to stupid to think of that when I was writing this script. Damn!


True enough, I read it, but it didnt grab my attention. It would ring true if I actually felt this story to be a comedy, but to me it just feels like a drama.  Sorry i been real busy and I will continue to post on your script


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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medstudent
Posted: November 11th, 2006, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Glenn,
I haven't read any of the other posts so some of this may be redundant.

I read Perplexity Grove in one setting...says a lot.

Story/Plot

You've got a good story here. Storytelling is a innate skill. Anyone can learn the skill of writing a screenplay...structure, format, etc. There are only few that tell a great story. People forget that when writing. You've written a most creative and original story with great characters and unforgettable scenes. That is the toughest part, in my opinion.

Your tone is here and there occasionally. Some drama...comedy...teen movie. This is okay (Pretty in pink, Breakfast Club did it well) but the overall tone or message should be apparent throughout. There were some scenes that felt out of place...over the top violent...

You've got some of the most original scenes I've read (or seen). The scene with the clown is hilarious. I laughed out loud with it. Great dialogue and set up here. Also, the Cat Lady scene...Brianna bouncing the ball off the Giant's head, the cats in the jars, the old lady with the attempts at stabbing Javon...funny stuff!

The three story points that I thought needed fixing were:

1. The plot needs to be set up earlier. Before page 6 or 7 and definitely before page ten. I'd keep the opening scene (a good one, by the way), just set up an earlier conversation between Javon and Meridith about "Moving In". A few lines of dialogue would fix this.

2. The ending. Tie up things between Javon and Brianne. Make something good happen for Brianne. She gets the short end most of the time. I thought for sure she was going to fall for Puck. They're perfect for each other. Have the sisters hug or get emotional about one another...I know it sounds cheesy but you need it or something like it in the end.

3. Change the confrontation scene between the sisters and the parents. Too violent. I thought Brianne's reaction was over the top. Skylar's too. The parents are heartless bastards! Avoid a direct "showdown" with the dad and Brianne. You can accomplish the same tension and urgency without it. Make Javon the step-dad...step parents are inherently evil (stereotypically, anyway). This is an automatic reason to dislike the Dad initially.

Specific findings:

These were my thoughts as I read.

Pg 3: Wouldn't cows run away from gunfire instead of towards it?
Pg 6: Meridith cussing? Didn't expect it.

Make descriptions shorter. More deliberate. Less is more. Choose everyword carefully. Script Readers(the real ones) don't like to read...they're lazy.
Example: "Griselda Rixon is a forty-five year-old who tries desperately to look youthful by dressing like a twenty-year old and bleaches her hair blonde."
Trim it up.

I had considered whether Meredith and Javon should have been younger but as I read the entire thing their ages fit.

Pg 12: "Introduce" Jeff

Great Scene with Shyanne! Brilliant job choice! Change the dialogue and interaction between the two girls, though. Didn't fit. Merideth was unfazed by Shyanne? Strange.

Asian sensei with a Scottish accent! Jesus! The image of that on screen! Where in the world'd you pull that out of your noggin? Be tough to find an actor with those characteristics and skills. Ha!

Pg 30: Meredith block who's escape?

Rewrite the scene with the cats. Be more action descriptive. Javon sees the jars with the unidentified masses in them...stops. Looks around. Gets closer. Tubes hanging out all over the place. Like a science experiment. Gets his nose next to the glass. Peering inside. Taps on the glass...holy cow the thing moves! Looks at the other jars...movement from others.

As is you give it away to soon and with words, not actions.

Pg 53: The transition between the couch scene and the first dream is too sharp. Create a transition between scenes.

Pg 59: Another classic scene!

Pg 68: "Than" should be "Then". I noticed this earlier in the script.

Tango the Clown...the funniest scene in my opinion.

Last, cut out ALL of the cussing. Then replace it only in the places where you see it absolutely necessary. And every character shouldn't cuss. Trust me. A writer sound much more intelligent(even if it is a comedy!) if the cussing is cut.

Overall, this was a well written script with a good plot and story. I liked it a lot and it fits what most film makers are looking for: High concept, low budget. With some good editing this could be a real looker for film makers.

You've got a great style. Don't lose the originality. Great work.

Joseph


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tonkatough
Posted: November 19th, 2006, 4:24am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Medstudent for the glowing review. I am pleased that the majority of the content in my script entertained you.  Thank you.

I must say I have to agree with you about cussing. As much I love cussing, it is sort of a easy way out when it comes to writing. You got a character who is bitter and angry at the world, you show it by making him cuss. You got someone who is in a rage, make him cuss and he really looks mad and out of control. To easy.

I am currently writing a childrens story that will probably end up in the anime section and it contains a rather wicked, nasty character and it has been a very difficlult challange showing his rage with out cussing.  I've had to really use my nogging and flex my creativity when a simple cuss word could have done the job nicely.

Still I miss writing cussing in my stories. Maybe after I finish children story I can fill up my next script with lots of cussing like that DeadWood TV series.

DeadWood is cool.  
  


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James McClung
Posted: January 5th, 2007, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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I can't dodge the fact that I'm extremely late in reading this so I feel like I should leave you with something now just so you know I'm on it. So far, I'm enjoying it. The subject matter seems very down to earth to me and has a nice situation comedy sense to it.

A few things (not much yet but more later)...

- Perhaps this has been mentioned already but I think it's strange that Meredith's sister is moving out at sixteen. Might want to up her age a little. Say eighteen?

pg. 11 - What's a "stunned mullet" expression?

- Why is Javon so quick to give up on confronting Meredith about moving out? I understand he has problems talking about his feelings but you should at least make an attempt to do so. Perhaps a little hesitation might help.

Sorry, I know it's not much but I'd rather you not think I'd forgotten about this one.

More latter...


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tonkatough
Posted: January 9th, 2007, 5:37am Report to Moderator
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Thank you James for the read and flinging my script from the number twenty spot where it was forgotten and back up to the number one spot. I look forward to your comments. I hope you enjoy.

While I am here anyone else looking for a exchange and rview with their script let me know and I will be happy to swap and review.  


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James McClung
Posted: January 12th, 2007, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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- Javon is moving into an apartment with another woman and not just any woman, Meredith's sister. I think Meredith should show a little more emotion in this goodbye. She feels too reserved to me.

- After a week, we want to know about how Javon's doing with his new living conditions as well as his and Meredith's relationship. I think you can lose these bits about Meredith's Kendo and Javon's cats (especially since the cats are brought up later). Get to the good stuff. An 100+ page comedy could afford to lose some pages anyway.

- You can't tell Mrs. Tobin is the landlady if it's only written down in the action lines. You need to mention it in the conversation.

- Javon agrees to this cat lady business too easily. Not only is it potential stealing and breaking/entering, it sounds to me like a cat lady is the last person you want to piss off. There needs to be some more resistance here.

Sorry, still not done. I'm a little tied up with things right now. Anyway, just figured I wouldn't leave you hanging. More later...


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James McClung
Posted: January 16th, 2007, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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Finished (finally)...

- I think a seven foot tall fat man would weigh more than just 120 kg.

- There’s a considerable lack of tension in the entrance of the Old Lady. She tells the Retarded Giant never to open the door for anyone and yet she barely seems threatened by Javon or Brianna. Perhaps you could have a moment where the two of them are forced to come up with some explanation for their intrusion that the Old Lady is able to eat up. You don’t need much but I think you need something.

- How did Meredith get into the apartment? She doesn’t live there. Perhaps Javon could let her in and attempt to hide the goings-on in the bathroom but Brianna blows his cover. Just a thought.

- It seems bizarre that Javon and Meredith would embrace and kiss after Meredith decides to walk out on an argument. I would change this for sure.

- I think Meredith gets a second chance to compete too easily. In fact, I don’t even think it’s necessary to have her disqualified in the first place. There’s more tension in Javon racing against the clock to make it to the tournament in time and I think the second battle would work better as a first. You could also afford to the Cornwell character who really doesn’t serve much purpose. Again, it wouldn’t hurt to cut your script down a couple pages.

- How does Javon manage to weasel his way out of RSPCA custody in the end? This is never explained.

- I don’t think Javon’s disappointment in losing his friendship with Briana works in the slightest. He’s lying to both her and himself when he says he’s exactly where he wants to be which makes his character arc null and void. Javon seems so passive throughout the story but at the end, he’s able to speak his mind. Here, it seems he’s taking a step back. Also, Meredith is an independent woman now, which is why Javon was fixated on Briana in the first place. Now Meredith is the woman he always wanted but without the immaturity. Sounds like a happy ending to me yet Javon’s one line behind Briana’s back changes it entirely. Lose it. It hurts the story big time.

I think I've said just about everything I need to in regards to improving your story. I'd say most of what you need to improve is how your characters relate to each other. There are too many instances in which they seem to be holding back their emotions. This, it seems to me, is the nature of Javon's character in particular, which is fine as he does change in the end, but there's still some conversations that could use some more emotion.

All in all, I enjoyed this and it seems like you've worked hard on it. In addition to a down-to-earth situation-comedy, you also have some great instances of dark oddball comedy thrown in as well. I especially enjoyed the pickled cats and Nazi-esque animal cruelty officers. You balanced the two well I think. A solid comedy overall with a distinct style. Good job.


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blackwrite
Posted: January 18th, 2007, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Is there a storyline? When does it kick in?  The scenes were well-done with nice surprises, but around page 10 I beginn wondering where the spine of the story was, where the author was taking me.

It was like being in a Taxi and not knowing where the driver was headed. Nice scenary, but where the hell are you taking me, Mac?

I did not go on after this, feeling that the author was not delivering on his promise, or at least not at the specified time he was supposed to.

And the pity of it is the scenes all struck me as interesting. The feral cat was interesting. The stampeding cows. The way the girl doesn't run, but stands her ground.

But again, it seemed the problems with structure were too overwhelming to sustain the author's originality and clever descriptive prowess.

Finally, I'm also concerned about the feedback format here. It's too polite. After reading some of the other comments I had to fight the urge to say the piece was brilliant so I could get a big hug and  thank you, too.

I would suggest that "thank you's" from the author impede objectivity and maybe it would be better if the author said nothing unless he's asked a specific question.

ricland
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tonkatough
Posted: January 19th, 2007, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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Oh thank you for the sincere review blackwrite. very kind of you and I am feeling very emotional. As they say on Entourage. "come on bitch, let's hug it out"


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datha
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Hi,
Here is my review.
I will start by the things that I did like or did not like in your script.
The FORMAT is good. (I read another reviews so I know how CONTINUES got in your script)
DESCRIPTION I found also very good. I don’t know why some of the reviewers did not like it, (I’m happy they have not read my poor descriptions in my screenplay) but I found them exactly like it must be in a spec script: not very wordy but very visual. (I had a small problem to visualize the scene in old lady’s house when Javon finds the cuts, but it can be caused by my bad English and by the fact that I did not expect the cats to be in a such miserable estate, and I think also medstudent has a pretty nice suggestion about this scene)  
CHARACTERS. Brianna’s character was as full for me as the others (maybe even fuller than others) Javon and Meredith. When I read she was leaving the house in age 16, I thought you should considering to add her 2-3 years  (I sow later one reviewer also suggested to make her 1 but when I finished the script I found that age 16 was more appropriated and correct.  She was not leaving because she wanted to, but because she was forced by her parents’ attitude toward her. It was more the act of protest than voluntary act. And there are thousand of children (even younger 12-14 years old) who leave the house.
Jason. It looks like taxidermy was more his hobby then his desire to make $$$ from it.  He straggles for $ so why not state boldly that by turning dead animals into art he wants make a lot of $$$? And in the episode were his brother Conner “throws” Meredith out, I think Javon must protest against his brother and his girlfriend. Not just say “Meredith you does not deserve to be treated like that”! A man must always defend a girl he loves! It will make him greater person. More active… more romantic… Plus, if he let’s say punches his brother in the face for his rude behavior, he will be evicted from Conner’s house automatically and it will add one more reason why he so easily accepts to rent a flat with Brianna.    
Meredith looks also great. But it seems like she is more preoccupied with her Kendo then with her boyfriend. But still I thing it is okay because her occupation and fear (“what if it does not work” to live together P. 96) drives the screenplay.
STORY. About the story itself… There was a love, jealousy, drama, humor and even chase. Everything. And all of them were made in a good proportion, but still to make an Hollywood film it needs everything a bit more (beat more love, or bit more humor or bit more chase (you know Hollywood, I must agree with a few reviewers, it is a nice script for Indies)
In your script I liked also the fact that nothing was copied from the other movies. It was a kind of original.
DIALOG. I think dialog was good also. Reading them I did not feel any discomfort. They were not forced and they were not false. They were natural.
GRAMMAR. I can’t say anything about that. And you know why.
SRUCRURE. For me every story is well structured if it reads interestingly. Your script did it.
Hunting scene was funny (page 1-5). I did not laughed out loud when Flakka shut himself but the fact itself that the hunter could not shut a cut but shut himself was great (as an hunter, and my father was an hunter also, I appreciated this scene) one of the readers had a good question. Would not cows run away from the gun fire instead of toward it? I remember once I fired my gun in my granddads estate and his cow (which was standing in a few feet away) did not make a step, she just raised her head. Next morning I fired my gun near a lot of cows and they run not directly to my direction but not in the opposed direction either. I found question theoretically correct but I think cows can run in any direction if they panic. (Few years ago, on Manhattan, a driver in a panic pushed on the gas instead of the break and killed a few people and injured a lot, so we can't expect better from the cows)
I liked how easily and well you described Rixon’s family (Page 6-9) on those three pages you managed to show not only the characters but whole situation in this family and you did it so successfully that I had no any questions and any doubts in Brianna’s behavior and in her character. I found these pages to be like an engine for this script. Without it the script could be nothing. I’m sorry I can’t express more clearly because of my poor English but I hope you get my point.
Yeas, I could not see where this story was heading (like a few other reader) from the beginning but it did not bother me. More even, it made me to turn the pages (your good stile of telling the story helped here). I don’t like most of Hollywood’s films. As soon as they start you know where they are heading.  
Sorry it took me more time to write this review than I expected (my English!) so now I must run to work. I have off from my main job but I still have another. My life is sh..t.
I have a few ideas about what scenes I would change. But I send it to you by email if you are interested.
And I will finish reading your another script as soon as possible. This script was good but another seems even better (Judging by first pages and the fact that I prefer suspense to drama/comedies) I hope my review was helpful so far.
Good luck!
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tonkatough
Posted: February 6th, 2007, 5:30am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read. I think I got enough feed back to have another stab at this script. right after finish the one I am writting now I just might do that.


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joshywa
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I liked the direction you took with this.  There's a lot of things that scream to your taste and personal style and I liked that.  It makes it personal and I dig that.  You also write the lines in a very personal style and I like that too.

You actually seem to have a very reverse order to your writing maturity.  Most people take forever to develop a personal style that they own.  You really owned this script.  However, the structure is really what bothered me.  The development of the story and the characters.  I didn't really find myself caring about Javon, or Meridith, or Brianna.  I didn't feel really moved by what happened in their relationships.

I like your crisp plot turn when Javon and Brianna end up sharing an apartment.  You brough them together really well.  But other than that your momentum sputtered out.  Keep coming up with more twists and turns through the whole thing.

You are really working with something here and I hope you continue to play around with this one.  It's a lot of fun.


Check out my scripts

The Perfect Ending (drama)

Affairs (Short)

Pray for me St. Jude (comedy)

Armageddon Part One: Xavier (Science Fiction)

Armageddon Part Two: Mammon (Science Fiction)
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Ayham
Posted: March 17th, 2007, 1:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tonka,
Just finished reading your script, and I will start my comments from the end...I was very surprised that you didn't have Merrideth's parents attend the fight in the end, it would've been a perfect ending and you would've proved to us, and to the father that daughters can make their daddys proud as well...I'm just saying that because you made it a point that the father wanted a son all along and when he had his wish, he ignored his daughters, and I really thought you would put closure to that by having him attend (without her knowing) his daughter's bright and shiny moment when she wins the competition in the end...

But I like the story... It started out slow but kicked into gear right around page 30, and kept moving at a nice pace.

Your scenes are well written. Brianna riding the peewee over her parents bed was awesome.

The scene in the old lady's house with the Retarded Giant and the kittens in the jars was great...This was the best scene in the script, well thought of...The slingshot shooting garbage was sick and funny.

I didn't care much for the dream sequences.

Over all this story was an easy read, easy to follow and the characters were real. I was able to visualize all the sequences of each act. Your dialogue is very good, and I think I told you that after reading your previous work.

The only thing that I wished to see in this story is what I mentioned early on, a closure on the relationship between the parents and their daughters, you kind of left that open even though you had a great chance towards the end at the competition...But that shouldn't take away from some of the creative scenes and the colorful characters you created. Good work Tonka.

There are few typos here and there, but nothing distracting...Page 44, you need to take out the (V.O) or apply it throughout the conversation.

Revision History (1 edits)
Ayham  -  March 17th, 2007, 9:39am
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tonkatough
Posted: March 25th, 2007, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read everybody.

To Joshywa in regards to not finding the characters appealing. I must say I find that interesting. What makes a character appealing to the reader? I wonder if the moral stance of the person or their social experience will determine what they will appreciate or find annoying in a fictional character?

My beliefe is writing fictional character is like breeding goats. You have a goat with big horns that are so long that everytime the goat head butts the fence, it does so much damage that your fence will have to be replaced. So now you try to fix the problem by bringing in some more goats and make them breed than select the goat with smaller horns and keep breeding that until you have a goat with no horns at all.  You've gone to all that trouble and expense of goats when all you had to do in the first place was move the goat with big horns away from the fence.

Writing fictional characters is like that . . . kind of.

    


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EasyMac742
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I apologize for the long delay.


-A first page that is entirely gray text is discouraging.  Trim down the description in the first 10 pages to lure the eyes.
-Colloquial dialog, when over-used, can break up the scene and be distracting to a reader.  I don't suggest deleting, but rather limiting the use of words like "gonna, shoulda," etc.
-Loud dialogue doesn't usually need to be CAPITALIZED.
-I realize that tough criticism can be difficult, but blackwrite put it very well when he described his feelings about the first 10 pages.  We're just not sure where the cab is headed...and frankly, I'm thinking of just getting out.

All of the other issues are really not a big deal, but this last one is, I'm afraid.  It just didn't pull me along.


SEQUOIA(Drama/Suspense, 87 pgs)
THE LIVING(Drama, 40 pgs)
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elis
Posted: June 26th, 2007, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Very Australian, LOVED IT!

Small details…
Get rid of the continued, no need for them.
p.15 dialogue…any who… shouldn’t it be “how”
p.31 weekly should be”weakly”
P.33 Shite? Was that meant to be shit?
Cheerio is more pommy than Scottish, lol…
My first giggle came with the retarded giant.
I would use his name instead of retarded giant.
P.47 That’s too bad, not “to”

P.48 to 51 A laugh a minute, lol…so unexpected.
A retarded giant and an old crazed up cat woman, lol… Now that was funny…If you could incorporate a few more laughs like that in the script…It would be fantastic.
BTW…what happens to them?

I think Skylar is a bit of an A**hole and truly, I do not think a father would tell his daughter that they were a mistake.

P.76 I somehow don’t think the gang would be scared of Tango.

Why would the gang worry about Meredith? They do not seem the type to help anyone.

About Javon and Brianna…
If Meredith were wary of Javon and Brianna in the first place she wouldn’t have agreed to him moving in so quickly with Brianna.

I am tossing whether this script really fits the category of Comedy…It is more a drama…Boy infatuated by girl…Girl infatuated by boy…both coming from disjointed families.

To me the main and most powerful character is Brianna who seeks identity, love and attention; not really caring who she hurts in the process.

Your story has a tremendous potential.  It needs to be tightened a little but most importantly, you need to make it a little funnier; there is plenty of room for that.
I liked it and I think it would appeal to a wide audience.



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elis  -  June 26th, 2007, 6:51am
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Soap Hands
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The following is an opinion. No animals were harmed in the forming of this opinion. The author reserves his right to be wrong in regards to his opinion. Viewer discretion advised.  

Howdy tonka,

First off, I liked it a lot.

There was a lot of personality which I loved. Tons of fun, an at times deranged kind of fun, but fun none the less. You had interesting characters spewing out of every orifice, it was great.

My favorite was Miyazaki (Japanese guy with a Scottish accent= hilarious) Which brings me to another point, once I realized that they were Australian, and thus must be speaking with an Australian accent its hilarity increased ten fold. (I love accents, and, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I mean it as a compliment, but the Australian accent is the second most hilarious accent next to the Scottish one, a close second. I would trade my soul to speak with an Australian accent!)

I loved the dream sequences too. Funny and too the point, in terms of story, very entertaining.

Just one last thing before I get to the more serious criticisms: pg. 81 "Christ almighty, were dealing with a sicko" Hilarious, my favorite line in the whole thing.

Now about it being a drama or a comedy, there was no debate in my mind at all. For me it was totally a comedy. From page 25 on it started screaming comedy and never stopped.

Alright, now that all thats out of my system, some criticisms...
I don't think theres a whole lot to complain about. I think it has a couple of issues but overall its pretty spot on.

That said, my  biggest problem with the script is that the setup (basically the first act) took too long, and wasn't very entertaining for me (with some exceptions). Once it gets past about page 35 it takes off and has a nice pay off but getting there is, I think, your biggest problem. As far as I know there are two ways to deal with this: 1. Shorten it or 2. Making it so entertaining the audience doesn't care how long it takes.  

Concerning option #1:
As far as I can tell every scene you have up to that point serves some purpose (characterizes or sets up) My only suggestion is to, if possible, combine scenes or have one scene include multiple characterizations and set ups. Easier said then done, I know. I personally can't think of anything really. The only thing I'll say is that in the opening sequence, Flakka has quite a bit of screen time for a character that isn't that important. The only thing though is that he is the main gag in that sequence and with out him it would be pretty boring.

Concerning option #2:
What can I say? In the first act a lot of the jokes fell flat for me, besides Flakka, the Rixons, and the web cam joke I didn't laugh much. I'm not sure why. If I had to say, I guess at that point in the story I wasn't invested enough in Javon and Meridith to deal with their crap. And this is going off memory but if you cut out Flakka, the Rixon parents, and the web cam joke, I think your pretty much left with Javon and Meridith throwing set ups and feeling at one another.

Other minor concerns:

Brianna's ending felt unsatisfying for me.  I presume she had the third most screen time. And she was pretty likable. I for one got fairly invested in her. And then her conclusion left a bad taste in my mouth. She basically got screwed, which isn't a huge problem, but its also that she wasn't a horrible character so she didn't really deserve it, and then on top of that, everyone is still almost hostile towards her. Theres no sympathy at all. Like I said not a huge problem, but a little unsatisfying for me.

In the last half to third of the movie I felt there wasn’t enough Meredith-Javon interaction. I realize that’s the point but, I think Javon at least needs to be thinking about her a little more or something to keep their relationship (and problems) fresh in our minds. By the end, I, like most of the main characters had forgotten about her and her Kendo match. It seemed like she had become a minor character compared to Javon and Brianna. Unless that’s what your going for, which I don't know if I agree with if you are... I think if she is forgotten about by the audience too, we feel like: "Why is Javon going to settle with this girl? Shes completely unremarkable. I even forgot about her." And that will be less satisfying.

On pg. 65:  When Brianna is getting mad about Javon moving out and blaming it on not having enough money for rent seems to me to be a week reason; a little unbelivable. I suspect part of the reason she that she is upset because of her abandonment issues(with father and mother) and now Javon( the person who has been fulfilling this role, giving her attention) is leaving. So she is going crazy because she feels abandoned again. If that’s what your trying to say (I think it would work better this way if its not what your trying to say) you should be more clear about that. After her initial, more justified(because she feels abandoned) attack on Javon, it can then digress into the senseless back and forth squabble more believably.  

Another minor complaint I have is that sometimes I felt your dialog was a bit too expository. Besides the dream sequences and the very end (were I think it works and is kind of funny) it seemed unrealistic to just have people come out with these things. It  also at times made things kind of forced. Here are some example:

Pg. 24 Briana complaining, "they should know it would be important to me"

Pg. 17 "Horny guys, credit cards" line (you can get the idea across more subltely and with fewer words so it can have more punch)  

Pg. 31 Briana “I like you because you make me feel like I’m being noticed”

There were more but I'm too lazy to go back and dig them out. Two of my examples and other ones that I'm thinking of have to do with Brianna. It occurred to me that this just might be an aspect of her character, but honestly when I was reading it it just came off as lazy writing.  

One last thing, not really an issue but just putting it out there: Pg. 28 Skylar hitting Brianna.
I think that this was a little too heavy. If acted correctly I think It can be pulled off but when I was just reading it, for me, it messed up the tone. I think almost the same thing can be achieved with Skylar just yelling and threatening to hit her, then Javon jumping in and getting into blows with Skylar.

So once again, mostly minor stuff. I think the biggest problem was getting through the set up so the story can really get going. Once it does its very enjoyable.

Sheepwalker

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Dethan
Posted: June 21st, 2008, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Tonka,

This is a very inventive and imaginative script.  It has a weird Donnie Darko meets a Midsummer's Night Dream feel.  There are some great scenes, but the Cat Ladies house is amazing.  It isn't just visually stimulating, but if you think about it it mirrors the character's relationship in an oddly demented way.  Javon, like the old lady, want to keep the cats living for eternity (also she puts them in jars to avoid confrontation...) - she just puts them in jars while Javon does taxidermy.  Briana, who acts childish, having to deal with a giant who still plays with toys.  It is both hilarious and symbolic.

While I liked the script, I thought it could be a bit better.  First, the character arcs seem forced.  First, I didn't feel any emotion between Meredith and Javon.  You need to give us a few scenes to show us they have actual emotions for us.  Otherwise it feels like Javon is just picking Meredith over Briana because he pities her, not because he really loves her.  Second, Javon, who is our main character, is also the weakest.  He is passive, for the most part.  Even the ending he where he runs to see Meredith has him being pushed into it by Briana.  We need to see him finally make a decision on his own.  Lastly, Briana needs an arc.  We need to see her grow up. Maybe form a relationship with Puck?  

Also, I'd like to see some resolution with their parents since they are the catalyst for the entire story to begin with.  Without Briana learning a lesson, Javon making a real decision, or the parents being there at the end... the story feels incomplete.  It has too many untied loose ends hanging there floating about in the breeze.  Tie them up though, and this story would be great.

James Moen


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tonkatough
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Thank you for the review.

Awesome how you found hidden meanings in the visuals. I get a kick out of readers who do that. It is not my intention when I did that scene but who knows what my subconscious is doing when I write.  

You pretty much said what others have said. So true and  I really would love to have another crack at this script and add the changes you suggested.   But I am to busy writing new scrpts and just don't have time to revisit old ones.

Thanks again for reading this and I am glad you enjoyed this- worts and all.  


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Dreamlogic
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Hey Tonka,

I just had a read through this and was really surprised and pleased by its content. It didn't feel like a comedy at all, more like a suburban fantasy drama.

I found Brianna to be by far the most engaging and interesting character. I felt that the relationship between her and Javon was what held the story together. For me the script was about her trying to grow up to fast. The fantasy element almost seemed like an exagerated version of her rebellious teenage insight into the world. Everything seemed to be from her point of view, it reflected her anti-authoritarian and alternative perspective.

I really felt that you betrayed her character in the end. For me the ending felt like a cliche romantic comedy. I think it was mostly because I really didn't like Merediths character. I thought she was selfish and completely bland. At the end when Meredith and Javon were standing together infront of their standard suburban house I couldn't help but feel dissapointed. I understand that this was about Meredith and Javons relationship, but I felt that everythig I liked about this story was left behind with Brianna.

Other than the ending there was so many scenes and characters in this that I loved.

The cat lady and the retarded Giant was the highlight of the script for me. It was classic fairy tale style and the most creative moment in the script. The vision of the retarded giant wrapped in christmas lights screaming on his knees was possibly the greatest thing I've ever come across in a script.

Puck and his gang were great. The character traits (masks, torana, flute) you gave them were excellent.

I really enjoyed the scene with Javon and Brianna fleeing the psycho father. I was hoping he was going to hop on his dirt bike and give chase. The son could've followed on his peewee.

Would the father really let Meredith back in the house though after she beat him with her Kendo stick?

Also, I really dont think that the RSPCA deserve to be presented as Nazis.

Overall I thought this worked brilliantly as a dark suburban fairy tale. On the other hand I think it failed at being a coming of age drama. I felt that the dialogue needed some work. It didn't feel real enough to stir up any emotion.
As I said before my biggest gripe was with the ending.
The script started with Meredith and Javon together, you presented there relationship as dysfunctional. Brianna always seemed to be the real love interest. The dramatic element in this script for me revolved around Javon accepting his love for Brianna and not giving a shit about what anyone thought. I really wanted them to get together.

Other than that I thought this script was fantastic. It was highly creative and original. I never knew what was going to happen next and I was constantly looking forward to the next insanely creative characters and situations to pop up.

Great work!!!


THE LONG ROAD NORTH
A bestselling author makes a chilling discovery as he searches for inspiration.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1213640432/
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screenplay_novice
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I read your screenplay from beginning to end because it had a great flow! That is an attention grabber for me; flow. Also, I love witty dialogue. There were moments in the screnplay where the dialogue was spot on with comedic on liners!

However, I felt that the father (Skylar I think his name is) character was a bit much when he literally beat Brianna to the ground. I thought that was too over the top. I understand why she acted out the way she did, but I felt that this was all out abuse. I also think that Brianna could have done less, and by this I mean inflicting less damage during her tantrumand it still would've been funny.

Another thing, Brianna is told she needs to grow up but there really is no resolve there. She goes away angry and resentful. Javon gets what he wants in the end, but I think the scene with the dad reacting to his daughters tantrum is a little harsh. He's an as****! But you can still make him an ass**** by toning it down.

I call this a dark comedy. It was a fast and enjoyable read. I'm looking forward to reading more stuff from you!

Jerry


If you can't beat 'em, then get yourself a bigger stick!
John Mavity
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Sham
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Hi, Glenn!

Thanks for allowing me to read and review your screenplay. Let’s get to it!

Page 1:

You’ve introduced four people in the first minute. Judging by the heavy descriptions, I’m assuming each character has an important role in this screenplay. We’ll see if I can keep up.

Page 2:

There are a few grammar mistakes. For example, on page 2, “Flakka pulls backs the rifle’s bolt” should be “Flakka pulls back the rifle’s bolt.” Very minor stuff. Just keep an eye out.

Page 5:

Even though I’ve just started reading, the writing/style is pretty stellar so far.

Page 6:

I thought the “invisible box of emotional baggage” scene was pretty cheesy. Was this intentional?

Page 7:

Your characters have some strange names. Did you research these?

Page 8:

The kitchen scene is full of tension. You’ve established the distance between the parents and the youngest daughter, and it works. However, I was a little distracted by the bond between Javon and Brianna. I expect something to come out of this, especially since everyone else seems to be ignoring Brianna.

Page 10:

JAVON
Oh wow, it’s so cool your
moving out Brianna.

I can’t picture the best actor in the world pulling off this line. How about, “You excited about moving out, Brianna?” which would still keep the scene flowing without having to change anything else.

Page 11:

OK, ignore my previous advice. I see you wrote it this way for the dialogue to specifically stand out. It now makes sense for Meredith to mock him.

Page 13:

Also, be careful of word usage.

JEFF
Whoa mate, calm down. If you
feel that way about it than
maybe you should talk to your
misses.

Misses should be missus.

Page 18:

The confrontation between Meredith and Shyanne doesn’t work.

The reason I say this is because the decision to ask her to leave afterwards actually DOES work. The confrontation itself seems rushed, almost forced. You focus on the tension between Javon and Shyanne, rather than Shyanne and Meredith. So when Meredith starts mouthing off, it comes out of nowhere. Get what I’m saying?

Page 23:

I like Brianna riding around the house on the Peewee 70. Funny stuff. Good revenge.

Page 24:

The dialogue here is too “on the nose.” For example, “We were just a substitute until Mum and Dad conceived a boy” is just ridiculous. It’s supposed to be a serious line, but I smiled and shook my head. That’s not a good thing.

Also be aware of the golden rule, less is more. Example:

BRIANNA
I’ve got to go. That’s my
ride.

You’re telling us something twice. “That’s my ride” would suffice.

Page 25:

Molly’s sudden change of heart about moving comes out of nowhere. How long have they been planning to move out? Days? Weeks? MONTHS? And if she was a good friend to Brianna, wouldn’t she have known the entire reason for Brianna’s leaving is because she doesn’t talk to her parents? Why would she think for one second it’d be a good idea to leave a message with her dad!?

Page 28:

SKYLAR
You selfish bitch!

GRISELDA
Kick her arse good honey!

Even if I vandalized my mom and dad’s house, they would NEVER seriously talk about kicking my ass good. Maybe my parents are Bible huggers or something, but this line stuck out like a sore thumb. It actually frightened me that BOTH OF THEM are in such a furious mood. I expected the mother to be a little more sympathetic about the situation, maybe say something along the lines of “Skylar, don’t do anything stupid…” “Skylar, let her explain…” “Skylar, get a hold of yourself…” But no. She’s rooting for him!

AND SHE BITES JAVON!? WHAT KIND OF SCRIPT IS THIS!?

Page 33:

I wasn’t expecting the Asian—Miyazaki—to be speaking in a Scottish accent. Strange, and kinda funny.

Page 36:

Miss Tobin is the highlight so far for me. Funny stuff.

Page 39:

The group’s decision to visit the cat woman is amusing. However, I found a glaring plot hole. Why would Meredith return home after a brutal, physical altercation with her father? I just don’t believe this.

Page 47:

I’m not sure what the motivation is at this point. Are they expecting this old woman to have four dead cats in her house?

Page 57:

Javon flattening Miss Tobin’s cat is very funny. Her high-spirited wave would crack me up if this was a movie.

Page 58:

Miyazaki’s little joke is actually pretty funny.

Page 62:

Some of the scenes are starting to become jumpy. For example, Meredith and Javon were just in a heated argument, and then they suddenly embrace and kiss? How does that work exactly? I’m having trouble picturing this flowing as an actual movie.

Page 67:

Miss Tobin searching for her cat is amusing. I honestly expected her to ask, “Have you seen my pussy?”

Page 69:

“Javon leans against the balcony rail, looks over Perplexity Grove without seeing it.”

Good description. Any actor would appreciate a line like this.

Page 71:

How old do you have to be in Australia to rent a flat?

The reason I ask is because, since Molly backed out, I’m pretty sure the flat would be under Brianna’s name. But since she’s only 16, does that make her old enough to pay the rent in the first place? Obviously, her parents aren’t helping out.

And if either Javon or Brianna decided to stop paying the bills suddenly, wouldn’t Brianna really be the one getting in trouble in the first place since the flat is under her name? Her logic of Javon getting in trouble doesn’t make much sense because it’s HER credit at stake.

This is all very technical, but I spent some time thinking about it and thought I’d bring it up.

Page 78:

The RSPCA have arrived at Javon’s flat. I’m reminded of Jeffrey Combs’ character from The Frighteners, especially with the Nazi portrayal. It’s a funny, and intimidating, visual.

Page 89:

Meredith’s thought of punching Javon is the highlight of the script for me. It’s the first time I’ve laughed out loud. Great scene.

Page 97:

Javon and Meredith deciding to stay together is interesting. I don’t see what Javon sees in these girls; with parents like theirs, I would sleep at the opposite end of the earth.

Overall:

Glenn, I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into this screenplay, and it shows in most areas. Characterization, dialogue, and descriptions are all solid. You’re a very good writer.

The biggest problem with Perplexity Grove lies in the flow of things. The pacing needs more work because, as it is, your story is mildly jumbled and lacking focus. There are a large amount of subplots (renting the flat, finding dead cats, competing at the shiajo), but you don’t have a solid foundation for an actual premise. It’s just a series of things that happen to three people, and none of the events seem to connect coherently.

Your three major characters are good. I enjoyed and related to Meredith the most.

I also really got a kick out of minor characters like the RSPCA, who I felt weren’t given enough screentime.

You have some good moments of foreshadowing. I liked how the old cat woman briefly mentioned the RSPCA. Looking back, though, it would have been a lot of fun to see RSPCA officers ransack the old woman’s home while Brianna and Javon were there, tackling the old lady to the floor and having her sent to jail. Can you imagine a hunchback woman being pinned to the wall with guns pointed at her?

The script looks polished and professional, but it needs another draft to improve upon the story and the pacing. This is a concept that’s hard to sell, and it needs to immediately jump off the page if you want any producer to discover it.

I wish you the best with this.

- Chris


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