Quoted from Shelton The same can be said for Jack.  He's a much more gripping character because he needs to be.  Gabe is the main guy here, but Jack has to have that little something more about him that enables him to unseat Gabe as hero of his story.

Why does Gabe need Jack to unseat him as hero?  Jack does this but I think it is at the cost of his likeability.  I read The Swinging Sounds, even though I didn't review it, and I know how likeable Jack can be.  I was disappointed with him in this script because he has too much personality and he was crowding the other characters out.

Quoted from Shelton What was it about Yago that peaked your interest?  Was it the switchblade comb?

I think it was the action he brought with him.  Yes, I admit it - I am a bit of an action junkie.

Quoted from Shelton Jill broke up with Gabe, which has essentially caused him to develop the weird block.  I figured that outside of that, anything I could show wouldn't have too much impact so I decided to reveal it in the dialogue.

After reading the script I still don't know how Gabe felt about her.  If it was in the dialogue then I missed it.

Quoted from Shelton Did you find that each of the characters had their own voice?

Yes. You definitely have a knack for giving characters their own voice.

Quoted from mcornetto Why does Gabe need Jack to unseat him as hero?  Jack does this but I think it is at the cost of his likeability.  I read The Swinging Sounds, even though I didn't review it, and I know how likeable Jack can be.  I was disappointed with him in this script because he has too much personality and he was crowding the other characters out.

Jack needs to unseat Gabe because in his earlier fantasies that portray himself as the hero, they're quite cheesy.  When he meets Jack, he realizes that he would make a better hero and decides to use him instead.  The sam applies to Yago unseating Cam as the villian.  The difference between Jack here and Jack elsewhere is that I wanted to portray him as more of an actual person instead of someone's alter ego.

Quoted from mcornetto I think it was the action he brought with him.  Yes, I admit it - I am a bit of an action junkie.

Well if my action peaked your interest that's a good sign.  My earlier full on action stuff didn't go over so well.

Quoted from mcornetto After reading the script I still don't know how Gabe felt about her.  If it was in the dialogue then I missed it.

He never really goes too deep into it.  It's just revealed that she left him and that's what caused the block.  I was hoping that would imply some feelings for her, but I may have to look back into it.

Quoted from mcornetto Yes. You definitely have a knack for giving characters their own voice.

Thanks.  With this many characters, and their alternate personalities to boot, I wanted to make sure they seemed believable.

Thanks for the extra feedback.

Mike,

Considering how much I loved The Hero of Her Heart, I will definately will give this a read.

I must say, the plot sounds more like a comedy than a drama. Maybe it's a drama in the same way Clerks II was.. Will post a review soon.

-Shelby

Hey Shelby....thanks.

It is actually a comedy (very different from The Hero of Her Heart though), but when I had the original version up it seemed more like a drama.  It's been extended quite a bit in this new draft, but I just kept it in the same thread.

Well Mike,

I read the script. It was really good, but I just didn't care for it like I did "Hero".

The characters were well developed, and thats good, considering there isn't a real plot.. but that's okay.

The dialogue was over all pretty good but there was a couple of lines from Gabe's friend *His name escapes me, my brain isn't working today* that sounded a little off.

I have no major complaints/suggestions about this. I just loved it. It is well written and fun.

-Shelby

pg 8. I think keith and val convo session runs to long.

You prolly already know this but I would reframe from using the words: still, again,begins, starts, finally and suddenly. actionoccurs in the order you place it. Write action so it comes across sudden cuz usen he word actually have the opposite affect.

pg 16 I could just be nit picking but woulda del would use to cuttin onions once you do it enuff? Seems like he has been a cook for awhile.
I would include END DREAM(as transition) to signify when it over, just for clarity.
pg 23, should make all of ur Okays, the same. Here u use "ok"

pg 30. You dont have a clear end of act one here yet, which mean ur structure is off. This must be fixed ;0)!

so far you got it decent attention grabbing, I would like more tho. Dialog is good, characters are good/distinguishable, so far they seem to stay in character.

I do give ur props for comin up with crazy dream scenarios, thus killing jill in new way!

pg pg 32 " I hate you" This first time you made me laugh, good one.
pg 39need cont'd on fran's dialog since it page breaks
pg 42. LOL "burn the shirt"
I think u know better just maybe old draft? Need scene description b4 dialog on new scene
pg 43, I really hope franklin germ guy adds to the story cuz of right now I dont see how he is pushing the plot forward just yet. Feels like a filler.

After page 50 for me story just felt like long tv show or many shorts of a guy in a coffee shop with new character just jumping into the mix. I never really found an end of act one

I felt while alot of the dialog was good and witty, it wasnt pushing the plot forward for me at all. But I can see this easily been filmed. It simple story, with great unique characters  and driven by them.

Over all was just okay for me when some good one liners. And yes Jack is cool character, I see why u took his name for ur play ( i havent read it so I dont know if ur play is this character or not).

I would only work on the structure and better conflicts for Gabe, I really dont feel for him as the protagonist more of all the characters seem one big prog then one main. Gabe seems to be a foley to others, I like the dreams but are they necessary?

dont get my wrong I found them great, but it loses effect when know Jill will appear and die,what more are they dreams providing to Gabe?

I did like how u foreshadowed cam thing about all having somethin in common, for his writing... good job, finsally made sense of how each of character was add to the overallplot.

I

Feel free to ask any questions!

JD, thanks for the read and your comments.  I can see where the confusion is.

If looked at like a traditional screenplay, this is really strange since there is NO structure at all, and I never intended for there to be.  This is simply a story about a guy who has a weird writer's block (his visions of Jill's demise), he seeks to overcome them, and does through the people he meets.

The entire script is the structure....Guy has conflict, Guy overcomes conflict.

There's a secondary conflict with Yago in there as well, just for a little more oomph.

You're definitely in the majority of peopel who think this is well written, but has no plot though.  It does, it's just not as defined as the norm.

The lack of description you commented on, is that when it cuts from the bathrrom back to the coffee shop?  If so, I did that on purpose, sort of like a cut gag where you see someone insisting that they're not going to do something, and in the next scene they're doing it.

I had already established Gabe's location in the coffee shop, and he was already in the middle of the conversation, so the instant cut would be acceptable and serve as an underhanded camera direction, focusing mainly on the characters.

Gabe isn't as prominent of a protag because he shouldn't be.  Yeah, he's the one with the problem, but it's the other characters that help him overcome it whether they realize it or not.  It's more of an ensemble piece.

Jack is pretty much the same as in the previous works he's apeared in, except here, I tried to portray him more as a real guy.

I'm glad you were able to spot how it all tied together in the end.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Shelton The lack of description you commented on, is that when it cuts from the bathrrom back to the coffee shop?  If so, I did that on purpose, sort of like a cut gag where you see someone insisting that they're not going to do something, and in the next scene they're doing it.

I think to get what you want across you should do an INTERCUT in the heading after gabe leaves the bathroom. So as they talk as franklin reacts to his situation in the bathroom.

Welcome!

This would make a great play actually. I liked it alot and felt in all earnest it has something in it that would translate well onto stage.

Actually, if it wouldn't be too much of a burden, could I see if I could pull together a stage production or at least present it to the local theatre community?

Quoted from Chris_MacGuffin This would make a great play actually. I liked it alot and felt in all earnest it has something in it that would translate well onto stage. Actually, if it wouldn't be too much of a burden, could I see if I could pull together a stage production or at least present it to the local theatre community?

If you can put it together or find someone else interested in doing it, feel free.

Got to read this. This reminds me of Kevin Smith's film the Clerks.

What I liked:

The dream sequences were good since it gave some sort of action to the script. It helped balance off the dull coffee shop scenes with something not dull. I also enjoyed how it helped show Gabe's progression in forgetting about Jill. Those dreams were funny especially when they always killed Jill. lol.

The characters' pov and dialogue is really good.

What I disliked:

The ending seemed abrupt since I have no idea what he's going to write about. I have some idea (prob the experience that he just went through) but I would like something concrete.  Maybe have a scene of the published book that Gabe finally writes.

Hope this helps, Sorry it that much.
Gabe

Mr Ripley, in case you didn't know, this is the Script Club script.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1235398764/s-0/

And I don't really see how it's like Clerks at all. Well they are both low budget, but that's about it!

It's like Clerks since it deals with a lot of talking, is in one location primarily, and low budget. And I am aware of the script club, but not knowing where you guys are in the script club I decided to post my review on the thread.

Hey Gabe,

Thanks for checking it out, and for adding something here where I can actually respond.

I remember someone else mentiong Clerks in a review awhile back, and I thought it was a little odd at first, but I guess when you look at it in terms of excessive dialogue and minimal story, it makes some sense.

The ending is definitely a little abrupt, but I figured once Gabe realizes that he's been going about his novel all wrong, there wasn't a whole lot more to add to it.  He hasn't figured out what it is he's going to write, but it's going to be something "real".  I can see where the assumption that he's going to write about everything that's happened can come into play, but that's not necessarily the case.

Thanks again for reading.