As an earlier poster wrote, yours was an "Alfie" wannabee, which is not good. Worse still, the point about "Alife" you missed -- and the thing that makes your screenplay superficial  -- is that in the long run, ALFIE WAS THE VICTIM!

Alfie was a tragedy, not a comedy. In Alfie sex is used to show what a tragic hero Alfie is. In your sceenplay, sex is an end in itself. This makes the sex almost clinical, pornographic.

Your story needed to be dressed in a dramatic overcoat. The protagonist needed to make us care about him, he needed to experience change. He needed to be pitted against obstacles. He needed to be put in a tree with no way to get down, and after he found a way to get down, a higher tree with no way to get down. He needed to stare into the aybes and find an inner strength he never knew was there. He needed redemption. He needed to be reborn. He needed to meet a woman who almost killed him.  He needed drama.

ricland



ricland