So I want to make sure I have through lines straight, tell me please, if the following example is a through line: Mina is attacked in the beginning, Mina is talked about by Garret and Rick, Mina comes back at the end.  Would that be three through lines?

Or is it more like when Rick says that Lee is an expert in karate, endowing Lee with another character trait?

Are eithe rof those good examples?

Tyler

Yes, the Mina example you've mentioned are through-lines because even though they are broken by passages of time they provide a link in three places throughout the screenplay story and are also related to the plot.

I'm not sure about the Lee character example.. If you mention that Lee is a karate expert but nothing else is discussed or shown or it is not pertaining to the splot then this is not a throug-line but a throw-away line and un-related. If you use it as a joke then one line would br the set-up and the second line or visual gag would be the payoff.

For example, if you have Rick say that Lee is a Karate black belt and then later on when the characters are confronted by Lee and he doesn't use Karate skills but simply bursts through the door with his undead powers of strength, then another character can make a joke and say something like, "I didn't know they taught smashing through doors at Kung Poo's Karate school."... The dialogue line is a question and an answer in one but linked to the original line which refered to Lee being a black belt in Karate and could then be refered to as a through-line and the visual gag of him smashing through the door would be another through-line too. And the other characters shocked reactions. Through-lines can be visual as well as within dialogue..

Through-lines don't have to be something the characters do, they can be releated to things within the story, could be pictures on the wall, photoraphs, vampires non-refections in mirrors, clocks dislaying certain times of day, anything but it is the interlinking and interweaving which is the key to understanding and using them correctly..

Kevan

hey good script i like.

Hey, thanks Bga.  Do you have any comments though?  Like what exactly did you like, and was there anything you disliked?  Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

-Tyler

Quoted from Higgonaitor Hey, thanks Bga.  Do you have any comments though?  Like what exactly did you like, and was there anything you disliked?  Any comments would be greatly appreciated. -Tyler

Hey Tyler,
Sorry my review is taking so long. I'll have it up soon...i'm on page 75.

-shawn

Don't worry shawn, I'm also taking a long time on yours, I bet your as busy as I am.  I should have 8X10 done this weekend.

Hey i post i share lil what I have found, so you kow i am reading it! So far I do the Steve "bam" good shit.

"A relaxed looking STEVE, 17, wears sunglasses and keeps an eye on the kids as he listens to RICK, 16, who is kind of short, and skinny with dark hair and fashionable glasses."

Break this sentence up


"There is another also a fat C.I.T. named Casey." Fix this one.


"And the only thing found at her
disappearance was this blood
spattered pet rock, with an angsty
face, and a space in her heart
which her owner, Mina, used to
occupy. Now back to you, John"

AFTER her" -I'm not really able to grasp what you are implying here. Maybe its just me" and how do they know it was a PET rock, honestly?

          RICK
"What were they planning on using
said flour for, anyways? You know?
Stuff like that." Remove *said*


More all sentences to ACTIVE form, that can be without making bad grammer. That means drop all ING from verb words. You ill notice in this in my scripts. Might find 2 or 3 in the entire script.
i hope to post full review soon!

LUCY
Awesome, *I'M*

Pg 17
RICK
See? More golden nuggets for your
non-existent notebook!  Tommorow at" Tomorrow

im up to page 20 something and enjoying so far!

Here's my review (though VERY delayed; Sorry about that)

On my initial read it seemed to start of pretty slow. I got to about page thirty and i had no idea at all what was going on. I realised I wasn't really focused so i started all over from the beginning.


I thought Steve's consistent use of BAM was hilarious...at first but then it got old but then funny again cause he was so very consistant.

I loved Rick and Lee's relationship...it reminded me a bit of Pinky and the Brain except Lee had barely any dialogue.

I knew something was up with Drake as soon as I read his name...Drake as in "Dracula" but i thought he might be Constance's day guard or something like that.

I thought Constance was a girl at first...and I really believed that he was a Vampire good job at that.

I remember Rick had a line referenceing Martha Stewart that I couldn't stop laughing at. Also the HOLY GRAPE KOOL-AID was great and the fact that Rick became a Priest over the internet.
I thought of the FROG brothers during that Vampire proofing montage.

I didn't really have any problems with this except of the same from Mindless...while some of the jokes were funny to me...others are kinda flat. But you can't really please everyone with comedy...different people find different thingd funny. I know people who though Date Movie was Hilarious while others didn't laugh once. Also I didn't really find myself up until Rick and Lee are following Constance and Luck at the mall. I really Enjoyed this...especially the last half.


Once again...I apoplogize for the delay


-Shawn

Hey Tyler,

I'm copying James from the other thread because I know I said I'd read this a long time ago, so I just started checking this out to let you know that I've begun.  I'm about 12 pages in and so far I'm liking it.  Steve and his "bams" are hilarious.  One thing though that I'm nitpicking is when Rick is talking to Garret and Garret is like "Some Goth girl named Mina was killed etc etc."  The name doesn't really matter IMO.  I mean if I saw the news story and was telling someone I'd say "dude, some Goth chick was killed etc. etc."  But again, that's just a nitpick through the first 12.  I'll try to finish this up as soon as humanly possible!

Thanks for the ead shawn, I'm really working on the beginning, I've found that to be the weakest art of the script, what with the slowness as you mentioned and how the characters kind of dont really fit.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Greg, I'm glad you started it.  As for the name dropping you're right.  That doesnt work.  I basically just wanted to give some props to bram stoker, but I'll get rid of it because it does kind of throw it off.

thanks guy's.

-tyler

Oh, hahaha.  So how long ago did I say I'd read this?  5 years ago or something?  Well, I told you I'd get around to it! And I finally finished it this evening!

Now, I was taking notes but found myself writing minimal plot thingies, so I figure I'd just kind of explain my opinions on dialogue, story, etc.

Story: It was a very nice story, friendly, interesting take on the love-themed comedies.  I think what was best about this story is that it wasn't cheesy--or at least intentionally cheesy--like many romantic comedies tend to be.  That plays to your advantage because your target audience is then much wider.  So you got the vampires killing people and whatnot, and I liked the dramatic flashback you had with Constance and his wife and that slut Drake.  The pacing was great as well, though I feel that you could have expanded on certain parts, i.e. the ending.  I'll be honest, the ending didn't really do it for me, like at all.  Drake and Constance vanish, then it's like okay, bye, c-ya, let's go out, the end.  I just felt something else could have been added in, like they all go eat garlic bread or we learn that Constance is at peace now or just anything else!  To me it just seemed the ending wanted to go as fast as possible, so I'd consider going over it.

Dialogue: For the most part pretty good stuff.  I like Rick's explanations of every little thing that he talks about.  He's got a kind of obsessive compulsiveness about him where everything has to be just so and he hast to explain everything to death so no one messes up.  The exchanges that he has with Garret were well timed, Drake's switch from foreign egghead to evil vampire dude was clear and concise, and Lee's only speech came at a very appropriate time.  I thought the "bless you" was awesome!  Lucy was probably the only one I felt lagged, but that's because probably she was the innocent girl in this and all of these crazy guys were surrounding her.  Maybe that was your intention?  And of course Steve's bams were awesome as well.

Characters: I liked all the characters.  At first I thought Constance was an ass but when we learn about his character I felt sympathy and then really liked him at the end which is why I wanted to see some closure for him beyond the death of Drake.  I think you could go without the scene with Mom and Dad because that's like their only appearance and it's just out of place.  Rick was a well rounded character and all, though I think in certain scenes you could have dropped some sarcasm and added in some more depth, i.e. rather than saying "we have to get the bloodsucker or whatever" add something more concrete like "We got a job to do." Ok, I know that sucks but I can't think of anything right now.  Just more formal is the point I'm trying to make in a few areas.  Lee was my favorite because he was the mute sidekick who kicked ass and that notebook of his was very funny at times.  

Quirks: Plenty of good quirks throughout.  I laughed out loud when you had Rick sitting down, and then suddenly his chair moves up because Garret is working out.  Those scenes were great.  Mina's reappearance at the end though didn't really do it for me.  I knew she would come back at some point, but I was disappointed with what her final scene was.  BAM!

Overall I think this is easily your best piece yet.  There's an assload of typos and the format is off, but someone else probably explained that.  The pacing was great, the characters were all likeable and easily decipherable, solid job.  Any questions or anything feel free to let me know and sorry for taking so long