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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Pimp Juice Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pimp Juice by Mike Shelton - Comedy - When a tainted batch of red Pop-Ade invades a small town and turns anyone who consumes it into a pimp or ho, the task of correcting the problem falls on three unlikely heroes: King Aloysius, a real life pimp, Sancho, the soothsayer on the street, and Guy Kracker, the whitest white man on Earth. 107 pages - pdf, format


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Shelton  -  October 9th, 2008, 10:08am
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Shelton
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, guys.

This is a little different than the version you've seen already, since I did some subsequent rewrites and made a few minor changes.

Long story short.  Read the one here instead.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Did I read the latest one? Or have you already done more on this? Using the power of Som-Som!!!

Sandra



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Shelton
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sandra,

I did a little bit more with it, but it isn't vastly different.


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stebrown
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike, just read this. Cracking read mate, really funny.

Some of the dialogue had me creased up, especially from the king.

I liked pretty much everything about it, from the set-up at the start with the four pimps to how you introduced the main characters on the street.

I liked how you fitted in a Passanger 57 quote (gotta do it when ya can haha).

I don't know what you've already done with this but I could definately see a production company wanting to option this. I'd certainly go and see it!

One technical thing -- as always, don't know if I'm right or not -- but you write out dates in the dialogue like Two Thousand and Six, I think you can just write 2006. Saves a bit of space if that is right.

Great job with this man and good luck with it.


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Shelton
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for checking it out, Stephen.  I'm glad you found it funny.

The opening with the four pimps and Jo-Jo at the factory was something that I added in when I was about halfway through the script.  I started thinking that a little backstory and a better explanation of how everything came about was necessary.  Glad it worked.

Passenger 57 just felt right, so I went with it.

I haven't done anything with this yet, other than posting it here.  I think I still have some work to do on it, but I do plan on pitching this around at some point.  Hopefully I'll get the same reaction from them as I have from you.

I usually always write out numbers as words.  If I remember, it's the proper way to do it, but maybe others will chime in with their thoughts.  From a space standpoint, I don't need to lose a whole lot given it's pretty short length.

I do want to get rid of some of those widows though.  It's a little aggravating since they didn't show up in Celtx, and I don't use the typeset feature other than to generate PDFs.

Thanks again.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

I know we both talked at one time about the crazy scripts we were writing. I know we had some similar ideas. So I see you posted yours. And I can honestly say, I think our two stories are very different.

As with The Hero of Her Heart, you have a colorful cast of characters. I can tell the story initially just sort of flowed right out of you. When I look at scripts like this one, or The Hero of Her Heart, or even my own Singles Camp, I see they don’t necessarily fit the 3 act structure very neatly but they just seem to be all right basically as they are. There’s something innately fun about a story the writer just goes with and lets happen on its own, rather than plan every detail. At least that’s the impression I have of this story.


Some standout moments:

I’m glad the Jo-Jo character shows up later. I think the beginning sequence with him would be too long if he didn’t come back later.

Now as I read this, I didn’t initially find it laugh out loud funny. But I thought it was cute and colorful and I often had a smile on my face as I read. But when I got to page 20 when Jimmy demanded his money back; that’s when I laughed out loud the first time.

The Bob and his wife thing on page 67 was also a standout moment for me.

King James was good.

Guy’s affection for Annie came off as rather sweet and I think it was a good addition that gave the story an extra little oomph.


There are some things I think could tighten it up or make it stronger. In fact, the biggest problem I saw was characters getting introduced too late.

It might be a good idea to introduce the Goodyear Pimp earlier, since he’s an important villain. I think he should meet King Aloysius earlier and call him a poser or something, establish a rivalry between the two.

Annie gets introduced on page 39. I think she should be introduced earlier working on another puff piece or something. I also think Guy should express interest in her earlier, perhaps before they even meet.

I also think you need to “introduce” King Aloysius’ car prior to the Goodyear Pimp showing up in it at the stadium.


Other issues:

Honestly, I think Jimmy should be a bit older. 8 didn’t seem to fit his character.

The Goodyear Pimp says only he and King Aloysius are true pimps, then he calls the king a poser. Is he a true pimp or a poser? Or is that a joke I missed?

Was the only purpose in the shovel murder with Mr. Kwan to make the chink joke? Because it seemed a bit strained.

P48 - I was a little disappointed when Guy asks, “Is that Sancho?,” and didn’t add on, “the soothsayer on the street.”

P60 - whip their ass - I think it would be funny if he says “whip they ass” here. I don’t know why -- haha. I just think it would be funny.

P72 - Sancho’s “cut your face” line sounded out of character for him. The impression I had of him was that he was a fairly laid back, soothsayer sort. “Cut your face” seemed a bit extreme for his character.

Something I thought might be nice but didn’t happen was I thought King Aloysius might drink the pop-aid to become empowered just so he could fight the Goodyear Pimp. I thought that might be an interesting turn. But there’s nothing wrong with the way it turned out. And I like the way the good guys formed a team.


Overall, I thought it was funny at times and at others just fun. Nothing wrong with that. And it was a sustainable fun. Now, on film, I think it would be even better because it relies heavily on visual imagery that just can’t be infused into a written script. In fact, on screen, it could probably provide so much visual imagery that it would take several viewings to catch it all, what with all those pimps and hos everywhere.

Like I said, I think it could be tightened. (What script can’t be?) I think things could be tied together more with earlier introductions of a few key characters, stuff like that. But it’s fun. I had a smile on my face even during the lesser moments. And let’s face it, it delivered on its own level. We all knew for example that Annie had to turn into a ho at some point. We expected it and she did. So in that respect, it delivered what it promised.

I enjoyed it.


Breanne



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Shelton
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Breanne,

Thanks so much for the in-depth feedback.  You've made some really good points, and have given me a lot to work with going forward.   I'm going to jump around a bit and address things out of order, starting with...


Quoted from Breanne
Something I thought might be nice but didn’t happen was I thought King Aloysius might drink the pop-aid to become empowered just so he could fight the Goodyear Pimp. I thought that might be an interesting turn. But there’s nothing wrong with the way it turned out. And I like the way the good guys formed a team.


I did/do actually have something in mind for this, and although I didn't go through with it, the framework is there.  What I had thought of doing, was to have Jo-Jo take one of the canisters of actual Pop-Ade from one of the "pimps" and toss it to King Aloysius (dramatic fashion, the canister spinning the air in slow-mo).  King Aloyisus drinks it and...nothing.  Nothing happens to him.  He is the pimpinest muthafu*ka in the universe after all.

Your idea to bring in Annie and the Goodyear Pimp earlier is valid.  I really wondered about Annie in that regard since she becomes such a vital part of things, but not so much for GP.  It makes sense given the rivalry with King Aloysius though, and could also serve to show his car.

Guy not saying Sancho's full name is truly a slip up on my part.  I had done it a couple other times as well, and just missed that one.

Goodyear Pimp's comment about true pimps can seem a little off, I know.  My main goal was to establish that until things started going down, they were the only working pimps in Ramova Falls, yet still establish their rivalry.

The shovel murder was there, and just flowed into the chink joke.  It was actually at that point (seeing the feet) where I had to put the script away for a bit to work on something else.

"Whip they ass." is definitely in line with how King Aloysius talks.  That'll be changed.

"cut your face" is definitely out of character for Sancho, but that's kind of what I was going for.  Something completely random, yet threatening to Vandelay.

I agree that this would be an entirely different experience visually, which I'm extremely happy with.  Normally, I get stuck in "talking head" mode, and my scripts end up better suited for the stage instead of the screen.  I've really been working on this as of late, and I'm glad it's starting to show.

My goal going forward will be to tighten it up, as well as blow it out a little.  Boy, that sounds complicated.

Thanks again for checking it out, and I'm glad it was fun for you.





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Posted: September 11th, 2008, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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Having read this (my first feature in a while), I can't say I liked it very much.  While the premise was good, it read like an SNL sketch that went on 75 pages too long.  I don't think I was halfway through when I started checking how many pages were left.  At the same time, I thought you rushed the first few pages....funny, eh?

For something like this, I don't think the script reached it potential.  You have to go over the top with it; I got the feeling that you wanted to play it safe.

Again, the premise was very good, but it was all I liked about it.


Phil
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Shelton
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Quoted from dogglebe
...I can't say I liked it very much.


And the streak continues.

I'm really not sure what I can respond to, so I'll simply say...

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you like the premise.



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

I'd be curious to see how this would look if you implemented my suggestions.

Playing up your two main characters in the very beginning rather then starting on the dimly lit street I think would be a more comedic start even though you've already got the comedy there I just think it would be cool to see Mrs. Grandma Poppa Pimp crying over where he should go and then getting the spare ashes from the funeral director.

So those blasted ashes that get into the vat are a CURIOUSITY-- WHOSE WERE THEY ANYWAYS? ...and if we know it's a fairytale, like I mentioned, we can go along with whatever you throw at us LOL.

Sandra




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Shelton
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Hey Sandra,

I've been thinking about what you sent for a little while now, and I'm not so sure on it.  The mystery ashes would be a curiosity, sure, but sooner or later that question is going to have to be answered, then where will I be?  With another Super Pimp, only this one is dead and even more difficult to take down.  

Also, where does that leave Grandpoppa Pimp?  I'd have to come with an entirely different scenario for him to return, and his ashes sweeping out of the urn on the mantel seems kind of odd to me.  As it is, he's present and accounted for.  In the Pop-Ade, in Ramova Falls.

Opening it with the explanation that it's a fairy tale puts it into the "it's all a dream" realm right from the get go, and I'm not overly fond of that method.  It does help to rationalize things a little bit better, I agree, but I would expect anyone reading the script after seeing the logline to be perfectly ready to suspend disbelief.

Going that route makes me think of Abbott and Costello's Jack and the Beanstalk, where Bud is telling Lou a story that segues into them in the fairy tale.  Wizard of Oz deserves a mention as well, even though you don't find out the dream part until the end.

I definitely appreciate the read and the feedback, but I think I'm going to keep the structure that I have and expand on that.


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dogglebe
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You should add more pimp.  It could be pimpier.


Phil
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Shelton
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Quoted from dogglebe
You should add more pimp.  It could be pimpier.


Phil


Thanks



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 12th, 2008, 1:16am Report to Moderator
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I know exactly what you mean about the "it was all a dream". But I BELIEVE IN YOU MIKE!!! I KNOW YOU CAN PULL IT OFF!!!! Who else could write about Goodyear Pimp and his band of merry Pimps and Hos!!!

I don't have the answers to your questions right now. I know when you start making even the littlest changes-- then that it screws with your story line; so disassembling it would probably be pretty tedious I know.

If I come up with some brilliant idea in this field of dreams-- I'll let you know.

Sandra




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mcornetto
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I’ve been waiting to read this script for a while, since you told me about it actually.   I thought it was a fantastic concept, ripe for the picking.   For the most part I enjoyed your tale of the tainted pop-ade that turns a town into pimps.  

You mastery of the craft really shows, unique consistent characters that follow a clear story line. It had good dialogue and it made me laugh a couple of times.  There isn’t really much to complain about with this script.

However, personally, this script didn’t hit the mark for me.     I wanted to see this get outrageous and it never quite went there.  Rather than a movie about a bunch of pimps turning a town on its head, it felt more like a zombie flick – where the zombies were replaced by pimps.  Pimps should rate their own story line – they aren’t zombies.  

You did a good job, Mike.  I do want to stress that.  But I think you underdeveloped the concept.

Cheers,

Michael  
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Shelton
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Thanks for checking it out, Michael.  I'm glad that you enjoyed it for the most part and appreciate the way it was written.  That's definitely been a big goal of mine lately.  To advance even further with things related to character and story.

As far as the underdevelopment of the concept, it looks like you're saying pretty much the same thing that Phil said, I think.  There is some re-working I want to do there, and I have a couple ideas, but I'm not really sure how to go about them just yet.

I mean, pimps can only do so much, and hos even less, so I'm guessing that it might just be something as simple as more face time.  Show them doing more pimp-like stuff.  You're right on point with the zombie-like feel, though.  When I initially came up with the concept, that's pretty much what I had had in my mind.

Going back to one of Breanne's critiques, I've figured out a way to rework the scene in Mister Kwan's in order to make the mysterious dead guy's death a little funnier.

Thanks again for checking it out.


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Quoted from Shelton
As far as the underdevelopment of the concept, it looks like you're saying pretty much the same thing that Phil said, I think.  There is some re-working I want to do there, and I have a couple ideas, but I'm not really sure how to go about them just yet.


The premise is ridiculous and over the top (in a good way).  The script should be the same.


Phil

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Whichever particular hat I have on at any one time, whether it be writer, director or producer, I always think that starting with a strong premise really gives the film a great chance of success.

It may be an obvious point, but too often films don't have a strong enough premise to carry the weight that's needed, regardless of the genre.

If you're looking to write a thriller then coming up with a premise that is naturally high stakes and is high in conflict wins you half the battle.

Comedy is no different and the premise you've come up with here naturally lends itself to all out comedy.

I've only read the first ten pages and will report back in detail when I've read the whole script, but things are already looking good. The characters are great, the story looks made for comedy and the dialogue is fantastic.

As I say, I'll report back fully later, but this has the makings of a hugely successful film and it will be a huge opportunity for whoever gets to make it.


Rick.
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Sandra Elstree.
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It's always hard trying to get the details to cross over and fit nicely; so I'm going to offer some suggestions here based upon what I said before and even if you don't use them, they might help to give you other ideas.

I've been trying to figure out a way to help you iron out a few things and I'm still stuck on the idea of a new opening.

They say that the beginning is in the end and vice versa and I still think you should begin with Sancho and Al in the real world like I said before Al attempts to help Sancho out of his "Bad Trip." They used dreams all the time in That Seventies Show-- granted it's a sitcom-- but without it they couldn't have done a lot of the fun sequences they did.

If Al's fairytale begins with the funeral parlor scene where Grandma Poppa pimp is given the spare ashes, you could quickly move from the funeral parlor to her home where she gives the ashes to "the brothers" and tells them to find a good home for them. (You could also make Guy Kracker have TWO jobs. He works at the funeral parlor and driving the truck. "What?!" Well, times are tough you know. And thus you could introduce Guy in an early scene as well because he's an excellent character.)

So you could have The Brothers (Jo-Jo etc.) leave thanking her graciously and she almost pushes them out.  "The least I can do for my favorite boys..." (she lies) When they're out and she shuts the door... You could have her say something like: "Stupid messed up and stole my time away with Grandpoppa..." She pulls out the real ashes and places them on her mantle.

"There you go baby. Just rest by the fire. Or maybe you had enough of that. Sorry."

Ok, so then there are TWO sets of ashes and the phoney ashes, that we don't know who they're from are the ones that end up in the vat.

Now I'm going to digress to the suggestion Breanne made and what you thought about writing in: The scene where King Alosius is tossed the Pop-aid and NOTHING happens. This is excellent. Definitely work with this.

What I'm thinking is that you could connect "the real" ashes with the ability for King Aloysius to save the day.

You could insert scenes with Grandma Poppa Pimp talking like a real Grandma would: What is this world coming to anyways? Watching out her window at the strange goings on.

Maybe here you could put in some of those scenes that you want to where the pimps are doing pimpy things-- thus taking Phil's recommendation of Pimping it up. You might show a hat seller setting up a street side shop in front of Grandma's since he recognizes there's a big market in town for Big Hats.

I'm thinking you might make a connection between Grandma and Mr. Kwan.

Here's the idea: Show Grandma having a "moving out" sale because she plans on moving out of the neighborhood since it's getting so crazy. One man comes in who's an antique dealer-- he recognizes the urn on the mantle to be extremely rare and worth millions. Grandma sells it and puts the ashes into a plastic baggie until she can get to Mr. Kwan's to buy a new urn. (Make Mr. Kwan's store be a MYSTERIOUS looking kind of Chinese herbal remedy place instead of a convenience store and "make it so" (Captain Picard) Grandma and Mr. Kwan know each other well because she has constantly in the past visited him to help her with her whatever-ites.

So she comes in looking for a new urn. She buys it and a STRANGER SHOWS UP in the store just after Mr. Kwan goes to the back to get more bags.

While Mr. Kwan's in the back, the stranger, hauls Grandma Poppa Pimp close and covers her mouth.

"What's the man's name who you sold it to?!! Tell me or--"

Then CHINK CHINK from the shovel of Mr. Kwan and the stranger's dead. All we know is that he was on the trail of the antique dealer and the urn.

From Grandma Poppa Pimp:

"Too crazy!!! This town has gone too crazy!!! Mr. Kwan!!! Please look after Grandpoppa for now. I'm not going back home. I'm leaving for Hoppin Mountain and all I'll send for the rest of my stuff once I get settled."

And to the urn: "I know you told me you hate being cooped up in there, but it won't be for long-- I promise!"

So now you've got Grandpoppa Pimp inside Mr. Kwan's herbal store, a reason for the dead guy and also a reason that we know of for Grandpoppa pimps ashes to be there and to want the hell out.

I hope this helps,

Sandra








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Hey Mike,

Looks like you have the main course, just need a little fixins' to ditty it up a little.

Here's what I thought...

I think you should introduce Annie sooner, and have her in the middle of another "boring interview".  Have her complain about it too.

I think you should introduce Goodyear Pimp sooner, too.

I was thinking of a way for King Aloysius and Goodyear Pimp to become enemys, and I think I have found it...
How about if Goodyear Pimp gave some Pop-Ade to King Aloysius' Mama?
She would turn into Goodyear's ho and Aloysius could go off the hook. Maybe Mama could ask Mr. Kwan if he wants a date?

I'm not sure about the ending either, Mike. I think King Aloysius should win his own battle, not Grandpoppa Pimp.
Now if you'd like to keep the tornado, you could have Aloysius drink the Pop-Ade and become a Superpimp, not unlike the way Popeye becomes super strong when he eats spinach. His fists could blow up the same way Popeye's do, and he could spin Goodyear out into space, and show back up when Annie has her newscast.  

Just things I'm throwing out here.

It was a good read. Let me know when the rewrite is up.

Cindy


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CindyLKeller  -  September 13th, 2008, 4:37pm
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dogglebe
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Thinking about this a little further, I realize that this script is specifically the story regarding the Pop Ade pimps and ho's.  Another story arc (even a very minor one) would give the story a little complexity.  All that anyone talks about is the situation around them.  Give us a little more.  Have Aloysius and Sancho debate which is better, heating oil or natural gas.

I think that would be funny.


Phil
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Shelton
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Thanks everybody for checking it out.

I've had a little bit of time to get back into this one (working on something else at the moment) and I've been incorporating some of the notes that I've been given.  Tweaking dialogue here and there,  bringing in the Goodyear Pimp earlier, and others.

I'm also thinking of bringing in Annie earlier .

As far as how King Aloysius wins the battle, I've kept it pretty much the same except he does drink the Pop-Ade with no effect.  Ultimately, they all win due to a team effort, and King Aloysius gets a slight personal victory when the Pop-Ade has no effect.  It solidifies that he's more of a pimp than The Goodyear Pimp.

The shovel death is also gone, replaced with the guy OD'ing on Pop-Ade (a canister breaks and the guy snorts the powder, eventually too much of it.)

As always, it's a work in progress, but I'm still happy with what's here and what I've done since.


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Man, you took every stereotype and poked fun at them from every angle! The dialogue was awesomely funny! Very original story too! I recommend this to all. Just excellent!

Jerry


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Shelton
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Jerry,

Thanks for taking a look at it, and finding it worthy of a recommend.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

And yes, you're spot on about the stereotype stuff.  I wanted to make sure I hit everybody, cause really, nobody wants to feel left out.

Thanks again.


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Hey Shelton, I meant to tell you that my favorite character in your script is Sancho, The Soothsayer On The Street! It was also a great idea to put a Som Som (Tom Tom) on his sombrero and writing in the arrows for directions, great stuff. When I get my Ragman script back up, I'd like you to give me your critique, as I've made some changes from the first draft. Right now, I don't have the PDF conversion software to convert it to put it on the site and the free online places that I could email it to doesn't support the type of file. I attempted to use the ones you suggested and it didn't work. I'll try again, just to make sure that I didn't screw something up. I'm basically computer illiterate.

Jerry


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Shelton
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What kind of file are you trying to send?  An fdr?


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I have no idea what type of file it is. I thought it was an rtf file or a txt file. Apparently not. I've tried finding out just exactly what type of file it saves as but I haven't been successful. It could be that it's just too big. What it does say when I open it is the title of the script and then a prj-The Ragman.prj. I assumed the prj was an abbreviation for project.

I just don't know how to use my computer! Pardon me while go an jump through my patio sliding door!!!


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.prj is the file extension.  What are you writing the script in?


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Shelton
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Hey Pia,

Thanks for checking it out.  Some of the things you've mentioned in your feedback have already been addressed in rewrites since I posted this, but I'll address things line by line.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
This script is very short and heavy on dialogue. I imagine it would be quite short as a film. I think that could be easily fixed by you expanding this one. I do believe this script need it…


I do agree that this script is a little on the short side, page-wise, but ultimately I think it would be an acceptable film length.  Some of the descriptive passages have some time associated with them, even as short as they are.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
First off you introduce Willie, Freddie and Ali Baba right at the beginning. I assumed they were going to be major characters in this film, but they basically disappear. They do come back, but have no impact in the story. Jo-Jo comes back a little earlier, but doesn’t have a big enough part in the movie for me to really care about him. I think that the very beginning could benefit from some re-working.

Have Jo-Jo play a bigger part in the script or let someone else drop the urn into the vat.


Jo-Jo's buddies are there to serve the function of pissing him off, and then being his "teammates" in the O-Pimp-ics.  They aren't vital to the story on the whole, but do a play a big part in the hook.  Same with Jo-Jo.  He IS the hook, and his turning up later on and knowing what he knows gives him a chance for redemption.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Introduce Goodyear Pimp earlier since he’s sort of the villain.


This is done.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Vandelay is also the bad guy. He let all this happen. His turnaround into wanting to rectify his actions though should come after more conflict IMHO. I think he changed his tune a little too quickly.


Not sure what you mean here.  Are you talking about when he sees King Aloysius on the TV, or at the very end after things have settled down?  Ultimately, I think either way is pretty on par with a corporate big wigs thinking.  One is damage control, while the other is an attempt at a clever spin (Pop-Ade actually set this whole thing up).


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Maybe have Guy be infatuated by Annie before they ever even meet. Maybe he has a little tv in his truck and watches her on the news all the time. Would also be fun if rather than screaming he could be singing some really white songs. Maybe even Country…


That's not a bad idea.  I've been toying with a few ideas to bring Annie in a little earlier.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
When they discover that Cran-Apple juice is the antidote I think it would serve this story well if things got worse before they got better. Maybe the Cran-Apple juice looks the be the solution at first, but they soon realize it makes people even worse. Now the pressure is really on to find a cure.


I do like the accidental aspect of how they find the cure though, where these scientists are hard at work, only to wind up failing, while something that's been in King Aloysius' fridge for God knows how long takes care of it.   Plus it kills two birds with one stone since it also gets Guy back to normal.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I thought it would be funny if the Ho Mom and Jimmy had a mouth-off.


I think that one could be pretty easy to incorporate.  Not sure which direction I'd go with it though, since the authority roles would be even more switched after Mom drank the Pop-Ade.



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Sandra Elstree.
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Again, I see the choice of the beginning being questioned and as I said before, I think it's definitely worth considering.

I've already mentioned the possibility of bringing Grandma in as a colorful character that might balance the script somehow and also that she'd be  point of view character from where we can "see" the street outside her window changing. I think this would be a possible spine to the story-- kind of like a home base, but when things get crazy, she decides to move-- enter the antique dealer with his discovery of the "million dollar urn".

Additionally, watching her street deteriorate, (even if it was a pimpy street to begin with) brings to mind a bit of seriousness amidst all of the comedy. I don't know about you, but when I was a kid growing up in Vancouver-- I saw neighborhoods in decline; so the element of truth there, I think would be fascinating.

I do realize that the logistics of this creates a challenge, but I think that the opening could be far more dramatic than a dimly lit street and then jumping into Jo-jo's run through the Pop-aid factory.

I think that the writing in this is excellent-- I just think that the way it's laid out could be developed as well as integrating a bit more tension and entertainment value with someone like a Grandma watching from the sidelines. I don't know-- maybe it sounds way out of what you'd like to do, but I could even see Grandma getting bits of strength from the ghost of Grandpoppa Pimp, giving her the ability to scare away the fake pimps and hos.

Whatever you decide, definitely consider working with the beginning.

When I posted some questions regarding a logline for Butterflies and Bones, it fueled the discussion of my beginning and since then I've rewritten it and I feel grateful for the advice offered. Who knows if it will again change at a later date, but I already feel much better about it.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It's probably good to just take a break from it too if you've been too close to the work of recent.

Sandra



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Shelton
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Sandra,

I don't think what you're suggesting would be hard to implement, I'm just not sure I see the point of it.

If I add in a Grandmomma Pimp character in the beginning, then I have to add in all the stuff that you suggested with the switching of the ashes and what not before they even get to Jo-Jo, and THEN, I can move in to what I have.  This seriously bumps things back in the story, and my turning points would be way late.

Then, going forward in the story, there would be cuts to her at her home, seeing how bad the streets are and everything else, all the while the real story is taking place in Ramova Falls with King, Guy, and Sancho.  Remember, Jo-Jo and his buddies aren't from Ramova Falls, they're from the town where the Pop-Ade factory is located.

I've done a little bit of rewriting on this since it's been posted, but I've been on a break lately, having written a feature on assignment and looking to go back to a work on a Romantic Comedy I started way back when.

My real goal here is to get this to an acceptable presentable level, because I know that if anything further were to ever come of this, I'll be doing rewrites for that anyway.

Going forward, I would appreciate it if all feedback resembled this email I randomly received yesterday.


Quoted from Email
...came across your script for PIMP JUICE and would like to say.....




YOUR FUCKING MOVIE KICKS MAJOR ASS!!!!!!!!!


YOU ARE AMAZINGLY AMAZING!




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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I did have a slight problem with the way you describe Ramova Falls. A place with such a tremendous hometown feel, you expect George Bailey to run down the street shouting "Merry Christmas" at everyone any second. That’s all very nice, but then we learn about pimps, ho’s and pot (before the pop-ade) and some other things too that sort of contradict that description.


I noticed that too Mike. The town sounded like Mayberry. Then it turned out to have a pimp. It didn’t seem large enough to have a pimp. Then we find out it had two pimps. And where were the regular hos?


Quoted from Breanne’s email
...came across your script for PIMP JUICE and would like to say.....




YOUR FUCKING MOVIE KICKS MAJOR ASS!!!!!!!!!


YOU ARE AMAZINGLY AMAZING!



I can’t believe you posted my email, man.

YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING, MAN!!!!


Breanne



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Shelton
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Thanks for the additional feedback, both of you.

I'm positive nothing will come from that email, Pia.  What I posted was pretty much what I got, other than a sentence at the beginning.  Just a "cool script" email that I thought was funny.

I see where both of you are coming from with the town, and I had a little discussion with Cornetto about it last night.  In my description, I wanted to do basically what I did, describe the town.  It is a separate element than the characters that occupy it, and the characters are somewhat out of place, but I think what I wrote gives you a good sense of just where you're at, and when things start to go awry, it's really turned on it's head.

Another angle, although not overly described in the script, is that King Aloysius knows Jo-Jo, who lives in the ghetto.  Could King Aloysius be a transplant from said ghetto?  Most likely, I just never say.  It's not entirely impossible to have a nice looking place with a slight seedy underbelly to it though.

A regular ho or hos is something I'm working on.  I was worried about adding in more characters, but I think this is a necessary evil.  Glad to see someone pointing it out.

Thanks again


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Hello Mike... I'm just checking in to give you the big thumbs up and encouragement that we all need.

Don't worry about all the complicating scenarios I was suggesting. I really mess with my own plot lines this way-- but I guess that's the process.

I send you a big congratulations on this script because I think you succeed in the areas you've set out to work with and the dialogue is really strong!!! Add the visuals and dialogue together and they are excellent!!!

Sandra



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Quoted from Shelton
I'm positive nothing will come from that email, Pia.  What I posted was pretty much what I got, other than a sentence at the beginning.  Just a "cool script" email that I thought was funny.


“That thing is real!”

(A chocolate oatmeal cookie to anyone who can tell me what movie that line’s from. )


Mike I thought you made that email up to be funny.


Breanne



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Hey Mike,

I really enjoyed this.  It was a fun and interesting premise that said something about products like pop-ade (brought to mind Donald Rumsfeld and the aspartame controversy).

I really like the characters, particulary Aloysius... sorry KING Aloysius! (I had Eddie Griffin in mind for him).  I felt his character was abit weak at the end though.  I was expecting more of a showdown between him and The Goodyear Pimp as they obviously have a past rivalry, but he pretty much just walloped him once with his cane.  What if the cane was special perhaps, like a legandary cane passed down generations of pimps and now bestowed upon him, the Excalibur of pimp canes! ...just an idea, but overall it was all good and I liked how you made each of the group pitch in defeating the Goodyear Pimp.

Some other points I noticed which you may wish to look at (assuming you don't already know about them)

I found the description of the town and the fact that it was inhabited by a pair of pimps and their ho's to be contradictory.

The attraction between Guy and Annie should be played upon more before he asks her out on a date.  Maybe if he became nervous or something around her, or Annie expressing her attraction to Guy more, because there really wasn't any indication that she was attracted to him, yet when he asks her out she says 'it's about time'.

I felt like maybe the story could have been abit crazier, abit more over the top.  It felt like it didn't quite fully take off for me, maybe it was the lack of a pimpin' showdown between King Aloysius abd the Goodyear Pimp that I was kind of hoping for, but I want to reiterate that I did really enjoy the script.

Great job.
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Shelton
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Hey Yohn,

Thanks for taking a look at it.  I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

Some of the things you've mentioned have been taken care of in recent rewrites, I just haven't uploaded a new version of the script yet (probbaly won't for awhile since I still have some things to fine tune.

King Aloysius and The Goodyear Pimp have a run-in at an earlier part of the script now, and it's revealed that King Aloysius' cane was actually left to him by Grandpoppa Pimp.  Gives it a little more "power", I think.

Guy and Annie's relationship is one of the things that I'm still fine tuning, as well as making things a little more outrageous.  Per previous feedback, I've decided to go ahead and add at least one legit ho into the mix, possibly two.  I've got the space to do it, so I might as well use it to my advantage.

A couple others have commented on the town vs the people that live there, and I'm not really sure what to say about it.  My description of the town is basically hwo I want people to view it, while the people that live there make for an entirely separate issue.  It's kind of a joke in and of itself if you think about...

A nice pan across this nice town, soft music playing in the background, the Pop-Ade truck driver whistling a happy tune as he unloads his truck and then *record scratch*.  What the fuck is this pimp doing there?

Anyway, I appreciate the read and the suggestions.  I've been viewing the version I have up here as kind of a framework script, prime for exapnsion, and all the feedback has been beneficial.


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Quoted from mcornetto
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The good news is I owe you a chocolate oatmeal cookie. The bad news is my chocolate oatmeal cookies suck. I’ve been trying to reproduce my grandmother’s cookies for years with little success. How about instead I take you to see Pimp Juice when it comes out in theaters?


Breanne



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Sandra Elstree.
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I've got an excellent recipe for pumpkin cookies. Will that work?

I should post it here on Simply for Halloween.

Big smiles!

Sandra



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Quoted from Shelton
A couple others have commented on the town vs the people that live there, and I'm not really sure what to say about it.  My description of the town is basically hwo I want people to view it, while the people that live there make for an entirely separate issue.  It's kind of a joke in and of itself if you think about...

A nice pan across this nice town, soft music playing in the background, the Pop-Ade truck driver whistling a happy tune as he unloads his truck and then *record scratch*.  What the fuck is this pimp doing there?


I see that working well, I think it doesn't come across clearly on paper in the draft that's up currently, but on the screen I totally get it.
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Finally got a chance to work through this one.  I remember when you first pitched this idea -- and it is fun to see how it is -- and isn't -- what I expected from the finished product.

You already know that I think the concept itself is gold -- and very well-suited for your brand of storytelling.  I also see that you are already in the midst of rewrites, and reading through the comments, some of what I have for you may reinforce what you have already heard.

In it's current form, this story is not yet all that it can be.  You already acknowledge that, and are moving in some of the right directions to fix that.  The additions that you made up front, establishing how this scenario came to be, are good.

But as odd as this may sound, I do not think your real voice is coming through just yet.  There is a good deal of that comedy vibe already in place, of course, but right now you have got too much "28 Days Later" and not enough "Soul Train".  Phil was right. (*shudders*)

For example, you description of the city left me cold, but this:


Quoted from Mike
A nice pan across this nice town, soft music playing in the background, the Pop-Ade truck driver whistling a happy tune as he unloads his truck and then *record scratch*.  What the f*** is this pimp doing there?


This is perfect.  Why isn't this in the screenplay?  And more stuff like it.

As for the rest of this story, introducing Annie and Goodyear earlier are both the correct decisions.  And more Hos, too. So without dwelling on those items, I do have a few specific things that I would change, were this mine.

Guy’s voice:  I know I said this before, but seeing the whole screenplay now I still think I am right.  How come Guy is not singing to vanquish these things?  He should be singing, "Go Away Little Girl" to those Hos!  Or a bit of Manilow.  You always have Guy screaming, and I still contend that is just not funny -- or at least, not nearly as funny as the selection of choice "white-guy" songs that I am sure you can come up with.  You will never convince me that singing is not the way to go here.  And why did his voice change?  Did I miss it?  If you go that route, make it clear why his voice is changing or it feels like a cheat.

The Som-Som:  I think the soothsayer's obsession with his hat is very funny, and it would look hilarious.  But I think you are taking the gag too far.  I can buy the direction arrows in the crystal ball, and (almost) the boomerang thing that he does, but all the telekinetics and stuff is taking it too far, I think.  I would scale it back.

Pop-Ade: At some point King Aloysius has to drink the pop-ade.  Kind of like "30 Days of Night", where the guy turns into a vampire to fight a vampire.  But I also like your idea of the pop-ade having no effect at all, proving once and for all that Aloysius IS the king of pimps.  Anyways -- whether it affects him or not is your call -- but he does need to drink the pop-ade.

Vandelay: I think Vandelay gets off too easy here.  As the primary bad guy, in a lot of ways even more than Goodyear, he needs something more satisfying than arrested by the cops.  The "formula" here is for something outrageous, and I think that, at least in this instance, that is one convention of the genre that you should honor.

As for the end, I have no problem with Grandpoppa Pimp contributing to the resolution of this story.  It brings everything full circle.  If only King Aloysius could bring a little bit more to that party, it would be perfect.

There is tons of potential here -- there is just no denying it.  You aren't there yet with this one, but you are certainly on the right track.  I hope some of this at least gives you a few more ideas to work with.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Quoted from bert
Guy’s voice:  I know I said this before, but seeing the whole screenplay now I still think I am right.  How come Guy is not singing to vanquish these things?  He should be singing, "Go Away Little Girl" to those Hos!  Or a bit of Manilow.  You always have Guy screaming, and I still contend that is just not funny -- or at least, not nearly as funny as the selection of choice "white-guy" songs that I am sure you can come up with.  You will never convince me that singing is not the way to go here.


Hey Mike, Bert is absolutely correct here, my friend. Add me to the list of people who are certain that you have exactly what it takes to make Bert’s suggestion work beautifully. He’s right. Guy needs to sing and act “white guy.” The screaming thing feels like a black hole waiting to be filled by just such a device.


Breanne



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Shelton
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Hey Bert,

Thanks for taking a look at it.

You;'re correct in that I have been working on rewrites, but I've been jumping back and forth as pf late on a few different things that all decided to come out of the woodwork at once. I hope to have a new draft up here ASAP, so any feedback can be fresh and I can be assured I'm moving in the right direction.

The thing about the way the concept came out, is that a zombie-like population is sort of what I had in mind.  I do agree with all the previous comments that things can be a little more segregated and made funnier though.  Can't have too much of that in a comedy.

The reason that some of those colorful explanations are missing is quite simple.  I'm still working on weaving more of them into my work as I progress as a writer.  It's been a daunting process, but compared to my earlier works I'm extremely happy over how things are moving along.

Annie and Goodyear are intro'ed earlier.  This is already taken care of.  I also plan to add in two to three legitimate hos.  I think it will make it more colorful and allow King Aloysius to pop a little more when he has others to play off of.

Guy's voice.  This is tough.  I'm really hesitant to pull the trigger on another protag who gets by on his voice.  I can certainly pull it off no problem, I'm just worried about him being pigeon-holed into a comparison with another character of mine.  It would be different yet the same, you know?

Som-Som.  Seems to me like there's one particular sequence you don't like there.  I think that's an easy enough fix, and puts the hat a little more into reality as well.

King Aloysius drinks the pop-ade.  This is in.

Vandelay.  I've been toying with an idea regarding certain test batches of hater-ade, and have given some thought to bringing Vandelay into the mix with it near the end.  He'll still get his and go to jail, but with an added bonus.

I've established that King Aloysius' cane was given to him by Grandpoppa Pimp, so I might go that route in having him bring a little more to the party.  Either that, or my newly added hos can play a role.

Definitely lots to use here.

Breanne,

See my response to Bert regarding Guy's voice.

Thanks again to both of you.


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Quoted from Shelton
Guy's voice.  This is tough.  I'm really hesitant to pull the trigger on another protag who gets by on his voice.  I can certainly pull it off no problem, I'm just worried about him being pigeon-holed into a comparison with another character of mine.  It would be different yet the same, you know?


Mike, I totally get what you’re saying. But I think you both have valid points. Bert’s main point is that screaming in and of itself isn’t particularly known as a white trait. Whatever Guy does, I still think it would be better to be something that’s associated with being a white guy.

It could be the way he talks. Maybe he gives lectures. I think it would be funny if he lectured people on hazardous behavior. Like Mike Brady or something.

Maybe it’s his dancing. Back in the eighties, there was a particular dance Eddie Murphy called “White Man Dancing.” I think that would be hilarious but then what do I know? I think socks are funny.


Breanne



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Shelton
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson


It could be the way he talks.


I'm confused here.  It's his talking that does it now.  Yes, it only annoys them and the screaming (louder talking) is what really pushes them over the edge into explosions and seizures, but at its core, it's how he talks that is his "power".

There's room for a few jokes regarding dancing in there, but I don't think it would work too well if that were his weapon.


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Breanne Mattson
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Quoted from Shelton


I'm confused here.  It's his talking that does it now.  Yes, it only annoys them and the screaming (louder talking) is what really pushes them over the edge into explosions and seizures, but at its core, it's how he talks that is his "power".

There's room for a few jokes regarding dancing in there, but I don't think it would work too well if that were his weapon.


Mike, I’m sorry. Maybe I’m confused. I thought there were scenes where Guy just screams and doesn’t really say anything.

I wasn’t referring to the way Guy talks in the script. I was referring to scenes where he only screams and says nothing. I was thinking he should say or do something white in those scenes. Because I don’t find screaming itself to be particularly a white characteristic. Anything else I said was just suggestions.

If I’m wrong, then forget what I said. I could be remembering it wrong.


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Shelton
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No, you're remembering it right.  There are scenes where Guy just screams.  The thing with that, is that Guy's voice when he's merely talking causes a level of discomfort, screaming causes seizures, and reverberated screams cause them to flat out explode.  It's taken in levels, and I thought it was a decent way to go about it.  Plus when The Goodyear Pimp changes his voice, it adds a little bit of comedy to it.

I'm still thinking on giving the singing bit a try, but hopefully what I have already makes sense the way I've presented it.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 27th, 2008, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton
No, you're remembering it right.  There are scenes where Guy just screams.  The thing with that, is that Guy's voice when he's merely talking causes a level of discomfort, screaming causes seizures, and reverberated screams cause them to flat out explode.  It's taken in levels, and I thought it was a decent way to go about it.  Plus when The Goodyear Pimp changes his voice, it adds a little bit of comedy to it.

I'm still thinking on giving the singing bit a try, but hopefully what I have already makes sense the way I've presented it.


I think the singing thing could work, but it depends on how you want to go with this.

I like the idea of hearing Guy talk in this SUPER WHITE voice and it sounds normal to us whites, but to the black pimps, it changes-- maybe really work hard on writing in A DISTORTION where it reverberates and becomes everything from a metalic sound to the sound of a toilet flushing. You could really have a lot of fun with this.

Hey!!! How 'bout give an unpredictability to it? Maybe one time his voice sounds like an operatic singer, another time like a toilet flushing etc... and really work with the reactionary shots.

If, his voice keeps changing, then we don't know what to expect next, and that would be interesting.

Why does it keep changing? Who the heck knows!!! For the same reason that we've got zombie Pimps and Hos LOL.

Sandra




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Shelton
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


I think the singing thing could work, but it depends on how you want to go with this.


I've added the singing element into the script along with the other things that have previously been discussed throughout the thread.

I hope to have another draft completed soon, but it may take a little longer before I post it.  I want to compare the singing vs the screaming since I'm still not 100% on it yet.


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Quoted from Shelton


I hope to have another draft completed soon, but it may take a little longer before I post it.  I want to compare the singing vs the screaming since I'm still not 100% on it yet.


And, I'm quoting myself.  How odd.

Anyway, I did complete a new draft yesterday, and the script is now at 104 pages with everything I've added and changed based on feedback.

I'm still going to sit on it for a short bit, so I can do a little more fine-tuning and editing before I post the revision up here, but if anyone is interested in checking it out beforehand just let me know and I can send it via email.

Sorry for the bump, but I figured it's better to do that than have people give feedback on old material.


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Shelton
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Hey all,

New draft up here, which is the result of feedback received here and a few other things I wanted to change during the rewrite process.

It now clocks in at 107 pages, but I think the added length has made the script better.


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walford
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Michael
Started reading some of your scripts, followed your trail from the OWC.

Not wanting to be critical or professing to being an expert as I am still finding my feet, so please take any comments with a pinch of salt et al.

In regard to this one (up to page 9) Vandelay is bugging me. He’s the authoritarian figure at this stage in the script.  In four instances almost one after the other he begins with 1) Splendid, 2) Excellent 3) Good, 4) Damn. I would tend to loose at least two or three of them.  Essentially it’s a stuff up he’s having to deal with. I would use the ‘good’ at the end when the problem has been solved.

Could ‘shipping department’ just be shipping?

The references to retaining the ‘batch’ and ‘vat’ - is this the same thing?

Instead of asking the guard if he knows what the value of the vat or batch is why not say something like it’s more than you’ll earn in a year, that way the audience knows the significance of the batch and not just Vandelay, hence his reluctance to toss it away and motivation to keep it even if it’s dangerous.

Not sure I fully understand the way this has been written.
Vandelay - ‘Good. Carry on. I’m sure we’ll be laughing at all this come next week when the Pop-Ade corporation continues to bring in millions of dollars”
(why would the guards be laughing)  Isn’t it a hiccup that will be overshadowed by our growing profits.

If I’m outa line or being too picky say so. But I shall continue to read on. Some of these things might jump out and be answered as I go along.  Though I would pop it up now rather than forget it . Cheers Walford.
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walford
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Mike one last thought, could Vandelay say to the guard something like - 'That vat is worth more than you' - This sort of says more about the Vandelay character than it does the guard yet puts both of them into position, if you get what I mean. walford
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Sandra Elstree.
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Hello Michael,

I hope you had a really fun time in Vegas!!!! I'll get to work on your revised script once I get through the OWC and straighten a few things out here at home.

Sandra




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Shelton
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Walford,

I see what you're saying, and in a sense you're right.  There are a lot of ways Vandelay could say what he said.  I just chose to have him say things the way he does because it's the way of his character.  Hopefully as you get into the main characters, you'll see similiar patterns in words they use as well.  It's  just a way to keep them slightly differentiated.

Sandra,

No rush.  Things have been added, sure, but I'm definitely on a little hiatus from working on this one right now.


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dresseme
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Mike,

So, I'm on page 33 of "Pimp Juice", and I gotta say, I agree with Phil; it's not really my cup of tea.  It's becoming a bit of a struggle for me to continue reading it, mainly because I don't really like the story or even the subject matter.

I don't want to say the script is racist (however I think an argument could probably be made by someone more impassioned about the subject than myself), however I find the stereotypes to be a huge negative of the script thus far.  Almost every stereotype is present, and I'm just waiting for the flamboyantly gay stereotype to make an appearance.  Instead of critiquing these stereotypes or offering anything new, you simply repeat everything that's been done before to the extreme degree.  I don't really feel like you have a movie...just stereotypes repeating stereotypical things to get from one scene to the next.

Because of this every character suffers and I dislike every moment they're on the page.  While the dialogue can be witty at times (you have a knack for that), certain scenes drag as not much is accomplished other than the characters standing there (talking heads).  One scene that struck me as particularly long was the intro scene with the King; it just seemed to go on forever.  Granted, characters were introduced, but I felt like they stood on that corner just talking for what seemed like pages, not really accomplishing too much in the way of the story.

Overall, I just don't think I'm the audience for this particular piece.  Being that I said I would, I can continue and finish the script, but if the overall tone continues, I have a feeling I will just be saying more of the same.
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Shelton
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It actually took me a bit to submit my script to your list for exactly the reason you've laid out.  I didn't think you were the audience for it, and I'd go so far as to say that we have vastly different senses of humor, but whatever, free read/bump.  I'm a whore.

If you don't like the script or feel that it's going to continue on the same way, then don't read any more.  I'm quite alright with that.  No sense in you having to slog your way through something when there's no reciprocation involved.

I do have to say though, if someone were going to make a case that this script is racist, I think they'd have a pretty hard time in doing so.  I haven't left anybody out here, really, and the three heroes are a white guy, black guy, and a Hispanic.


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tonkatough
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finally got to read your new feautre.

I enjoyed the cast of characters, their witty exchanges and all of the little sheltonisms that give this script your quirky stamp.

It is a pleasure to read. favourite bit was when Guy's tape gets chewed up in the middle of Piano man and he yells out "BILLY!"

What I didn't like was for such a odd yet novel central problem, I thought your approach to the plot was just plain lazy.

scratch away all the pimpy pimpness, and all you have is a zombie movie, where hoards of zombie just roam the street and grab unsuspecting victims and eat their brains and turn them into zombies- okay that's a lie but you have same basic idea as zombie hit them with red powder and turn them into zombies. (pimbies?)

You even use the word shuffle for the pimps movements.

Plus as you have it the death of Pimps by music is just not funny and I found it sick and offensive cause it is murder in cold blood cause these pimps are just innocent people who are under a spell. They are not mindless killers or a threat or nothing really like that. The heros should be trying to find a cure or warn people of the red plauge. As you have it they are just killers.    

Another reason it was not funny too is cause do you remember how all the aliens in Mars Attack where killed?  It was kind of goofy and surprising the first time but not so the second time.

Now what would I exepect from a logline like yours?  Well I think you have endless possibilities with conflict when the new pimps start squaring off. Why not have a pimp war? Have them pimp everything. their guns, their cars, their pet dogs Something like that.

But yeah great characters, (Sancho should be played by Fez from 70's show) and wacky stuff (som-som, pimp-o-limpics, Good year pimp )

to quote phil "you need to add more pimp"

Plus I'm not a big fan of zombie movies

      


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Shelton
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Thanks for reading.


Quoted from tonkatough

Another reason it was not funny too is cause do you remember how all the aliens in Mars Attack where killed?  It was kind of goofy and surprising the first time but not so the second time.


Even "Mars Attacks" wasn't all that innovative in its choice of weapon.  Remember "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"?

Anyway, I'm just quoting that block of text of yours for those who read the first draft and suggested the change.


Quoted from TonkaTough
to quote phil "you need to add more pimp"


People keep saying that, but it's nothing more than another way of saying "make it better".



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Quoted from Shelton
Anyway, I'm just quoting that block of text of yours for those who read the first draft and suggested the change.


We never said it was new.  We just said it was funnier than screaming.  And I still think so.

Honestly, the haunting strains of "Puberty Love" were running through my head when I suggested you go that route -- but really, how many people are going to remember AotKT?


Quoted from Mike
People keep saying that, but it's nothing more than another way of saying "make it better".



Quoted from Tonka
...pimp everything...guns...cars...pet dogs...


I think this is a good suggestion about adding more "pimp".  Take every object, no matter how mundane, and pimp it up.  That could be pretty funny.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Quoted from bert


I think this is a good suggestion about adding more "pimp".  Take every object, no matter how mundane, and pimp it up.  That could be pretty funny.


That's pretty much been done though.  There aren't any guns or pet dogs in the script, but the only car that appears outside of the ice cream truck is King Aloysius', and that's pretty pimped out.  Jimmy shows up to the O-pimp-ics on his bike sporting spinners, and the fake pimps have adjusted their wardrobes to accomodate their new personalities.  

It could probably be taken a step further in that regard, but part of it is that these people aren't really pimps and/or hos, and are simply using things that they have on hand to "get the job done".  Miss Pew has a feather boa, but wears orthopedic shoes, or Jimmy's "Peter Pan" hat for example.


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Huh? You mean Attack of killer tomatoes is a real, real movie? What wacked out producer would wanna do that? Dang. and I thought Killer tomatoes was just a hollywood urban myth.

And please, please Shelton I hope you're not telling me that Tim Burton pinched a gag from another movie. That would really upset me as I adore Tim Burton and treasure his movies and it would break my heart if it turns out he is just a hack.  


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