Shelton,

Just finished your script.  Easy read and enjoyed it.

I have briefly scanned the other posts so sorry if what I have is a repeat.

P64 in the coffee shop, Marty confesses he likes Zoe and likewise.  This was a tough buy for me as well.  I believe someone above pointed out "minimal contact."  Would be nice to have a few more lines/actions helping us buy this other than just they make each other feel comfortable.

P 71 Marty psyching himself out with uppercuts before answering the door...had a good laugh.

In the end - I'm leaning more towards leaving out Larry and Raven at the reception.  Really didn't do much for me.

The phone converstation with Ma at the end.  Very good, but I thought delivering the lines face to face would be hilarious (ie facial expressions, body language, etc).  I didn't get the same effect by hearing Ma's wishes over the phone.  Maybe have Ma deliver her wishes at the reception??

So, congrats.  Great screenwrite.  And if you have time please check out Pledge Trip!

--EP

Hey Eric,

Thanks for checking it out.  I;ve given some thought to a few things in regards to them having a little more interaction, and it would be a pretty quick fix since I know how I'd handled it.  Whenever I get around to adjusting some stuff on the back end, I'll probably fix this too.

As far as Raven and Larry at the end, it's kind of needed in my mind.  Larry is finally setting things right, like he wanted to do for most of the script, and Raven, well she plays a vital role in getting revenge on Maria, so I figured another gag with her wouldn't hurt either.

Ma delivering the line could work as an intercut scene, but I don't think there's anything in their body language that requires them to be face to face.

Thanks for reading, and I've left some feedback on Pledge Trip.

I just read this all in one sitting. I have not read the other reviews so I apologize if I am repeating what you have already heard.

First of all, I have to say you are a fantastic writer, I aspire to have your ability one day (soon hopefully ) I breezed through this with ease. I have no critiques with your writing ability, there was a minor typo here or there but nothing that bothered me and I am sure someone else has pointed them out.

As far as the story itself. I am a fan of Rom Coms yet I was skeptical going into this because well lately it seems like every Rom Com I have read or watched has been very formulaic.

Overall I think you developed some good characters, I instantly knew the type of guy Marty was, I actually know quite a few guys like him. He is a likable character throughout the story and I found myself rooting for him to be happy. Mikey was kind of the civilized twin of Marty, he and Marty provided alot of of funny interaction.

With that said I had a problem with a few characters. Zoe for one, for her to be the main love interest in the story we just dont know her well enough, Marty and her relationship just seems so rushed and unrealistic, I know this whole concept is unrealistic but even by those standards it seems forced. I think you need to add some more interaction between her and Marty before you get to the dinner date fiasco to make it fit a little better.

Also Maria, You have the nice payoff with the vampire at the end, But for me she is not enough of a villain to really make that payoff work for me. Yes she showed villainous quality in the mothers house but she was in all of two or three scenes the entire script, I like the entire concept but I just didnt get as much enjoyment out of her demise as I would if she had a little more development in the story. Honestly I dont know how you would do this with her, But thats my gut reaction after reading.

Sophia kinda seemed off to me in a couple scenes also, this may have been more my false perception of her then your bad writing however. I just couldnt get a sense of who she was really, at different points I thought she was a loving girlfriend, spoiled snob and immature child. I dont really have a problem with her as a whole, Just thought I would mention my feelings on her character.

Ok so other then that I think your story was pretty darn solid, I laughed out loud a couple times. I thought alot of the banter between Marty and Mikey was pretty clever.  I liked the ending with Ma on the phone. I could definitely see this getting produced, it fits well in the genre and offers just enough variation to the formula to keep it interesting.

If you can just develop the relationship between Zoe and Marty a little more and maybe flesh out the Maria character a tad more I would have zero complaints with this script.

Great Job, Keep up the good work.

Hey Topher,

Thanks for checking it out, and congratulations on being the first to read the most recent addition of this.  I snuck in a new version last night after completing a rewrite that had Marty taking care of things on his own.  Well, more anyway.  That was phase one of things I wanted to take care of, and phase two is a little bit more between Marty and Zoe.  There probably won't be a lot more to it, but something.

As far as Sophia goes, she seems to come off as kind of how I wanted her too.  She's got a lot of different things goign on with her in that she loves Mikey, but the whole prospect of waiting to get married takes a toll on her, and she makes a stupid mistake.

Maria was a tough one to write because I didn't want to give what was actually going on with her right away, thinking it would make for an interesting viewpoint on things.  A lot of times I see where the sabotage aspect is known, and it just falls a little flat.  Just hinting at it keeps the reader/viewer curious and occupied.  "What's her deal?"

Anyway, thanks for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hey, Shelton

I've just finished your script, it took me a while, I was mad busy having to read a bunch of play scripts, and doing business with a few film students, but I'm finally finished. You know, just to add something, I don't think I've ever commented one of your scripts, I'm not sure.

I really have nothing to say about this script.  I liked it just the way it was.  The story worked, the dialog worked and I like the way you describe things with your actions.  I especially like the way you use your dialog, most of the time when I read a script I feel like this dialog is so cheesy and that no one talks like that, but not yours, sure there was probably one or two things that I thought who really says that but other than that it was great. I don't like to quote things out of scripts like most people, so forgive me if I'm confusing you just saying that I like the way you write with out giving you any examples.

Best of Luck to you in the future,

Xavier

Hey Xavier,

I don't recall you reading anything else of mine either, so thanks for starting out with a feature.

The biggest thing I'm taking away from these reviews is that people like the way I describe actions, and that it seems to have been a pretty quick read.  If you would have read some of my stuff a few years ago, you would have found a jumbled mess.

Anyway, thanks for the look, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I read this script upon the glowing recommendations that it received elsewhere on this thread, and I have to say that I find the others' enthusiasm mostly inexplicable. I'll try to be constructive:

First of all, people don't fall in love in one night. I know, love at first sight, magic of the movies, la, la, la, but the way you get Marty and Zoe together is monumentally too thin. A man with so solid a history of not meeting women will not find the love of his life in this offhand way. It would also behoove you to rework Zoe into a human being rather than a plot device who has no life and no ambition of her own apart from making your leading man happy. She's cut from the same mold as the Samantha character in GARDEN STATE, who is conveniently available and adorable whenever the movie needs her to be.

Another serious problem with your script is that the mother character is insane. Certifiable, in fact. If my mother decreed that I could not marry my girlfriend until my elder brother got married, I would have the old bat committed. I don't care if you're Italian or whatever, this is the twenty-first century, and if two grown men go along with a mandate like that, then they come across as through-and-through knuckleheads.

View 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, which uses a similar plot device but does so successfully for a number of reasons. For one thing, the girls are younger in that picture and are actually subject to parental orders. Also, the overprotective father actually has scenes and backstory that EXPLAIN his paranoia (he was left by his wife, he delivers babies for a living, often to regretful teens). And the older sister in 10 THINGS also has a viable reason to resist coupling up with boys (she was raped in the original draft and sexually coerced in the version that was filmed). Your application of a similar plot borders on the laughable because you have two dimwitted adult men going along with a madwoman's idiotic ravings.

The younger brother's wife-to-be is also exceptionally annoying. When you introduce a character so egocentric that she's going to parade through a restaurant flaunting her engagement ring, you had better be creating a comic caricature. You actually seem to think it's a GOOD thing for the guy to marry her; I think it would be a tragedy.

You are similarly unclear about your protagonist. In some scenes, he's an unrelenting slob (the orange juice underwear scene) and in others a lovelorn teddy bear. Except for the late John Candy, there isn't an actor in the history of cinema who could make these two halves into one cohesive character. Even with Mr. Candy, the boorishness seemed unintentional and like a tragic flaw (of sorts) for a truly good-hearted man. When you have Marty walk in and lick orange juice off his palm, it seems participatory on his part. No one is that uncouth by accident.

Two other (vastly superior) films that you seem influenced by are MOONSTRUCK and THE BROTHERS MCMULLEN, in which the characters are bound in some way by their religious traditions. The mother character in your script, however, does not evince the slightest believability as a Catholic mother (never goes to Church, only prays in over-the-top fashion). Compare her with Olympia Dukakis in MOONSTRUCK, with all the bittersweet musings on marital infidelity and growing old as a woman. THE BROTHERS MCMULLEN, like your film, is about clueless young men who throw themselves into a maelstrom of romantic misadventures, but they actually seem to occupy the Irish Catholic tradition, and you can feel the burden on them as they try to do the right thing and suit themselves at the same time. Your characters definitely want to suit themselves, but doing the right thing is the furthest thing from their mind.

Dialogue is incredibly subjective, but I would be so bold to submit that your banter is not as clever as you and some of the other posters are leading you to believe. It seems to stem out of you, the writer, instead of that characters, as in the work of the inscrutably popular Diablo Cody. JUNO did a lot of business, but we're in for a lot of knock off films that are going to flop because that kind of dialogue exchange is more often grating than endearing. Try writing a bit more from the heart -- which is different than the tear ducts, mind you.

I see the rudimentary qualities of a screenwriter in you, and you're clearly a very young man who's still got much time to blossom. But this version of this script is nowhere in the vicinity of submission worthy, and I suggest a massive overhaul if the influential powers in La-La land are to take notice. I have the suspicion that if I passed this script on to my superiors in its current form, I would be fired.

Thank you, whoever you are, for taking the time to check out my script and leave comments as your first post.  Not what me, or probably anyone else would want to hear, but the feedback is constructive, and I'll try to respond as best as I can.

First off, the love thing.  I have to say in my defense that there isn't one time in this entire script where they say they love each other.  Sure, Marty goes through a whole rigamarole in climbing the fire escape and what not, but when he ultimately gets her back, he does it by suggesting they take it slow and see how that works.

Yes, Ma is a little off, but it's more in the fact that she's extremely old fashioned than her just being a devout Catholic.  That's an entirely different set of rules that aren't really touche don here.  Plus, if Ma didn't have this weird quirk, where's the rest of my script?  "Hey, Ma, Sofia and I are getting married."  "Okay."  The End.

I see a lot of different movies here, and the only one that fits in with what I was trying to do was "10 Things" and even that it's only in what that itself was based on, The Taming of the Shrew.  The other part of this is somewhat based on "Marty".

There's something in what you're saying about the dialogue, in that I do have a habit of writing things the way I talk.  As far as trying to copy Diablo Cody?  Not a chance.  I'm not into clever catchphrases and things that are just going to come off as, like you said, more grating than endearing.  Note to self:  Never call anyone "home skillet" in a script.

Quoted from Scar44face I see the rudimentary qualities of a screenwriter in you, and you're clearly a very young man who's still got much time to blossom. But this version of this script is nowhere in the vicinity of submission worthy, and I suggest a massive overhaul if the influential powers in La-La land are to take notice. I have the suspicion that if I passed this script on to my superiors in its current form, I would be fired.

I felt the need to quote this since it's related more to me personally than the work.  I think rudimentary is a term that I can handle at this point.  I've been writing for just over three years now, learning everything I have via self teaching.  I never went to school for writing, or any school for that matter after HS, so I'm still fairly new to this in the grand scheme of things.  Whether or not I'm considered to be young, I have no clue.  I'm 29.

As far as the powers in LA-LA land, they are not quite a blip on my radar yet.  I haven't been on the hunt for an agent or even thought about submitting to a studio, although I suppose one goes with the other anyway.  I'm still working on things, mainly expansion of story and characters, and learning to be comfortable in writing those big blocks of text I see in so many other bought specs and produced scripts.  In the meantime, I'm comfortable with the level of success I've achieved thus far.

In regards to your last sentence...

You're going to have a lot of fun here.

Thanks again for checking it out.

You take criticism better than most writers, and that is certainly to your credit. Keep writing, and the changes will be everpresent. The "big blocks" of text you're striving for...just remember that a movie is a series of IMAGES and EMOTIONS and NOTES!!! Just write those little blurbs from your gut and gives us a picture to work with.

I'm very surprised that you turned out a script like this (in format, much better than many aspiring writers) with no formal training.

Quoted from Scar44face You take criticism better than most writers, and that is certainly to your credit. Keep writing, and the changes will be everpresent. The "big blocks" of text you're striving for...just remember that a movie is a series of IMAGES and EMOTIONS and NOTES!!! Just write those little blurbs from your gut and gives us a picture to work with.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Quoted from Scar44face I'm very surprised that you turned out a script like this (in format, much better than many aspiring writers) with no formal training.

If that surprises you, you should see how long I actually spent writing it.

Quoted from Scar44face First of all, people don't fall in love in one night.

Sorry but I had to pipe up here.

I feel sorry for anybody who does not believe that it is possible to fall in love with somebody in one night, I really do.

When my now wife woke me up the morning after we first met* with a cup of coffee and a Marlborough while wearing nothing more than my Arsenal football shirt, I fell in love immediately. I really did.

Honestly, it happens. More than you think.


*Yeah, I know, she's easy. What can I say!

Gary, u are a legend!  you sure you're not an aussie?

Hey Mike.  I finally had time to check this out, but not enough time to take formal notes for a monster review.  Hope you do not mind.

In fact, this does not need much by way of a review anyway, in that it serves as a nice showcase for your talent, your style, and the way your dialogue flows.

That is not to say it is a perfect script.  While the concept is sound, the driving force behind all of this is a little weak.  His mother simply telling him "no" -- and him abiding by that -- stretches the bounds of believability.

You might find some who can make that stretch, but it sure would be nice if you could devise something a little more compelling for the inciting event. I have thought about it and have not come up with anything better.  I will let you know if I do.

As far as characters, your main guys are distinct, well-developed, and easy to visualize.  The girls, less so, but probably good enough. Raven is pitch-perfect as far as I am concerned.

Usually it is your zany supporting characters that steal the show -- and while I have busted your chops about that in the past -- here I think they actually need a little more work.  All Larry really has to offer is his silly hat, and Mom is not given much to do, either.  Rounding out Larry and Mom would strengthen this story.

Most of the comedy worked well.  If I had to single out a joke, I would urge you to lose the one about the "internet tubes".  That one is already so dated -- but it is the only line I can recall that made me cringe.

On a completely random note, during Marty's triumphant climb up the fire escape, you have him say, "I am not afraid of heights", to which I replied, "Why not?"  You should give Marty a fear of heights.  Set this up earlier in the script, and the fire escape scene may work that much better.  

As far as the title, I am not so fond of this one, but then, I seldom like your titles.  The original working title, "Making Marty Married" if I recall, is superior to this current title.

Recapping:  Give Mom a more powerful motive; give more jokes to Mom and Larry.

Aside from those items, it is in good enough shape to pitch, and if it catches someone's eye, you can let them tell you what it needs.

Let me know if you have any specific questions on stuff and I will get back to you.

Quoted from Scar44face You are similarly unclear about your protagonist. In some scenes, he's an unrelenting slob (the orange juice underwear scene) and in others a lovelorn teddy bear. Except for the late John Candy, there isn't an actor in the history of cinema who could make these two halves into one cohesive character.

Jack Black, anyone?

Seth Rogen is making a career out of this very character.

I do not disagree with everything Scar said, but I find this critcism completely unfounded.

Hey Bert,

Thanks for checking it out.  Much appreciated.

Quoted from bert It serves as a nice showcase for your talent, your style, and the way your dialogue flows.

Thanks.  It's definitely a nice change from the last piece of feedback I got.

Quoted from bert That is not to say it is a perfect script.  While the concept is sound, the driving force behind all of this is a little weak.  His mother simply telling him "no" -- and him abiding by that -- stretches the bounds of believability. You might find some who can make that stretch, but it sure would be nice if you could devise something a little more compelling for the inciting event. I have thought about it and have not come up with anything better.  I will let you know if I do.

I think in a normal society, you're absolutely right, but given the context here it works.  It's more about two Italian guys, and how they don't want to upset their mother or go against her wishes.  It seems odd, but there are some who go way beyond just the usual show of respect.

Quoted from bert As far as characters, your main guys are distinct, well-developed, and easy to visualize.  The girls, less so, but probably good enough. Raven is pitch-perfect as far as I am concerned.

I think my biggest concern at the moment is Maria, then Zoe.  Zoe could be easily added to if need be, but Maria I'm not so sure on.  Her role here is very basic, and I don't want to end up overdoing, which brings me to my next point...

Quoted from bert Usually it is your zany supporting characters that steal the show -- and while I have busted your chops about that in the past -- here I think they actually need a little more work.  All Larry really has to offer is his silly hat, and Mom is not given much to do, either.  Rounding out Larry and Mom would strengthen this story.

...Larry.  I've gotten some feedback that how he was used was just enough, to the point where any more could be quite annoying.  Granted, the character is supposed to be annoying, but not to the reader.  He's there to be a thorn (albeit accidental) in the side of Marty.  I agree there could be more to Ma, I just haven't figured out what yet.

Quoted from bert Most of the comedy worked well.  If I had to single out a joke, I would urge you to lose the one about the "internet tubes".  That one is already so dated -- but it is the only line I can recall that made me cringe.

Yes!  Larry's joke made you cringe.  Although that could go with my annoyance comment a second ago.  Hmmm.

Quoted from bert On a completely random note, during Marty's triumphant climb up the fire escape, you have him say, "I am not afraid of heights", to which I replied, "Why not?"  You should give Marty a fear of heights.  Set this up earlier in the script, and the fire escape scene may work that much better.

Because then I really would be ripping off Pretty Woman.

Quoted from bert Aside from those items, it is in good enough shape to pitch, and if it catches someone's eye, you can let them tell you what it needs.

Glad to hear it.  Got a few nibbles as of late, but nothing definitive.  Hopefully something will come through soon.  I'm just glad people think it won't get them fired.

Quoted from bert Let me know if you have any specific questions on stuff and I will get back to you.

Nope, nothing specific on my end.  Thanks again for checking it out.