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Let me get this stuff out of the way first, the type o's...
page 5 He places "her" arms around her. I think you meant his. page 19 "Why" makes you. I think you meant what. page 89 He grabs a "piles"
Then there were dialogue at the bottom of pages that ran over onto the next page. Those were on pages 29 & 30, 87 & 88, 97 & 98, and 102 & 103.
Okay, now that that's over with, on to the story.
I thought it was a cute story. A feel-good story like "10 things", but different. And that's fine, because 10 things worked, and so does your story. I liked the Italian boys listening to their mother. Older boy getting married first.
Character wise Everyone had their own agenda, and they worked together well.
Mikey and Marty were likeable. I liked that they listened to their mother but maybe you could show more of their mother as to the "why" they listened. Was she strict or did they do it because their father had died and she was still emotional over the loss, and they didn't want to see her sad so they listened. ???
I liked Ma. I found her to be very comical.
Raven what's not to like about Raven.
Zoe, well, I liked her from her dialogue, but I didn't feel like I knew her. I felt like I knew Raven more.
I think you could add some more about Zoe. Where does she work? Her home life? I think it would be funny if she worked with dogs. Maybe dog walked or groomed them from her home. That way they could be companions, (since she's used to getting dumped) and could scare Marty when he comes up the fire escape. It would also be nice if the dog ended up liking him. ?????
Just throwing things out there, Mike. You can either catch or let them fly by.
Yep, I like this one, Mike. I think you could get this one produced, but I think it needs a little more yet.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Thanks for checking it out, and for spotting a few typos. I'll take care of those asap. The dialogue overruns, I don't normally worry about so much, but I'll look into those as well.
I'm glad that you enjoyed it, and you liked the characters.
You brought up some good points about Ma and Zoe, just as others have, and I plan on looking into them a bit more at some point. I already had some ideas for Zoe, but Ma has been a little bit tougher to crack.
There's been a little bit of interest in at as far as getting it produced, so far, but nothing really hard set just yet.
Thanks, and I'll get you some feedback on your script soon.
Forget Jack Black and Seth Rogen. You my friend, have written THE perfect Artie Lange vehicle. This role would make him a movie star.
I like the idea of not the Mikey not being able to marry until after Marty. IT's farfetched, but plausible. My problem with it is that Mikey and Sofia are living in sin, so they've already broken one of my Ma's rules. And if you know the old catholic broads, living in sin is probably worse than the younger brother getting married first.
Maybe Mikey should live at home too. He doesn't need Marty to get married just so he can get married, he needs Marty to get married so he can get out of the house.
Also, I'd have a scene where Mikey gets frustrated with Marty, feels like he's not really taking it seriously enough and blows up at him.
I did really like it though. A little talky, though I think that's more the romcom style, and i did think some of Marty and Zoe's conversations might have been a bit too on the nose, but nothing that isn't easily fixable.
Hey Seamus, thanks for checking it out. Glad you enjoyed it.
You make a good point regarding the living in sin angle, and I did touch on this a bit in the script when Mikey and Sofia are talking. She thinks she accomplished something with Ma in that regard, but she really didn't. Interesting suggestion with Mikey living at home as well. I'll have to look into that.
I do have an idea with Mikey getting frustrated, that ties into a little bit more between Marty and Zoe, so hopefully I'm on the right track there. Just need to get around to writing it.
The talky thing is probably more my style than it just being a rom-com. I think it's just more in place here.
i realize i'm a little late for the party but i did want to congratulate you on a very good script. the pace is great. everything moves forward quickly and smoothly and, in the end, you got yourself a nice little story here. kudos.
Mike – you’re a very strong writer and you understand funny–great original characters realistic dialogue and funny – you have the key gifts just need some work on pacing, stronger character archs and such. I tend to see things in the script that aren’t there intuitively additional characters scenes I like to pass them along if useful. I’ve made comments and suggestions below – take what you will from them and throw out the rest. There is often instinct or a reason behind what I’m suggesting feel free to ask why if not obvious – I’ve read a couple of your scripts nice to see the consistency in your talent. THE ORDER OF THINGS Title doesn’t say comedy – how about “Out of Order” poster could be Marty with an OOO sign and couple looking at him pleading with mom scolding Opening- better to show us Marty is not marriage material not tell us – he’s a regular he and Pat might comment on someone’s divorce or lifestyle or whatever but doesn’t work for me that bartender is matchmaker -if you want to go that route that everyone is pushing him to marry have Pat’s wife work at the bar with him do a set up where Pat talks about how wonderful marriage is then wife comes out and embarrasses him. Personally I’d rather see a couple regular die hard bachelors as Marty’s friends so when he makes decision to marry there is more conflict for him he may lose his friends helping out his brother. I guess I see it more as Marty is protagonist rather than ensemble comedy. Living together already and Sophia convincing mom doesn’t work for me audience will say who cares about piece of paper they are already living common law and you’ve already shown mom breaking rules– raise the stakes on both they can’t move in unless they are married – Mikey still lives at home Sophia has roommate that hates/irritates him she can’t afford to live alone the ONLY solution is to get married The boys going along with mom’s rule can work –just bring in more of a back story tragedy of their fathers loss she’s done everything for them and give her a reason for the rule even if it’s crazy If you like the bachelor boys at the bar would be funny to have Marty announce to them he plans to marry more comedy potential -spit takes galore then he goes to Mike and Sophia – also could do a montage of how they suck up to him with cookies pleading etc so something is going on to “convince” him audience wants to see the shift in his decision – maybe he witness Sophia/them crying whatever I didn’t buy Larry guaranteeing the courtship for Marty or no money exchanged –Marty is suppose to be a challenge –have him charge Mike double on the side Zoey is not developed enough as a character since your main audience is women they need to relate to her – I think of Bridget Jones she wasn’t a 10 yet the men loved her because of her quirks. If you pull all her dialogue out and read it as one character you’ll see she’s not developed yet – you want the audience to fall in love with Marty and Zoey and route for them. Also was mentioned by someone else that not enough to distinguish their courting too easy why do they fall for eachother, again show us if the moment they realize they are in love isn’t there and the audience doesn’t see the build up they feel cheated. It is a romcom you’re playing in a game with expectations, I keep coming back to the boys in the bar I would love to see them do a makeover for Marty a bad one his hair greased back a bow tie and ill fitting suit have fun with the genre Sophia buying Maria’s involvement seems out of character for her – what if Maria needs a green card instead Sophia is trying to help both her friend and her situation makes her less of a bad guy just someone who screwed up and wasn’t thinking Also mentioned previously that Marty needs to win her back more heroic win- after have everyone else show up and get into the action and maybe Zoey gets worried about what she’s gotten herself into. Mom is Italian -? Mike and Marty show nothing of their cultural heritage they both seem white (and I agree on distinguishing their names) If your going to take us into Italian heritage show us something new about the culture besides pizza and mafia you’ve got great potential with Ma flesh that out –one of the reasons my big fat greek wedding worked was the audience loved the insiders look at the Greek culture Here’s the film comparative you need to see: Bollywood Hollywood is a delightful, cross-cultural parody of both India's and America's musical film traditions. Directed by Deepa Mehta (Earth), Bollywood Hollywood concerns the desperate effort of wealthy businessman Rahul (Rahul Khanna) to get his mother and grandmother off his back when it comes to his romantic life. In love with a white pop-star girlfriend (Jessica Paré), Rahul's fortunes change when she dies. Still grieving, he is told by his mother that Rahul's only sister won't be allowed to marry until he finds a nice Indian girl to wed. The solution: hire a beautiful, dark-skinned, allegedly Spanish escort named Sue (Lisa Ray) to pose as his Indian fiancée. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, Mehta pokes fun at a number of Bollywood cinema clichés, especially that familiar mix of modern luxury and old world traditions, melodramas involving the saddest of character backstories, and spontaneous musical numbers that remind one as much of Hollywood's Golden Age as Bollywood's current one. --Tom Keogh
This is my first post hope its not too long winded
"So, I never thought in my wildest dreams I would type a sentence like this. My screenplay, The Order of Things, is currently going up against Jurassic World in theaters. In Nigeria."