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Point taken about Alan's line. Someone else noticed that, so I think it will have to be changed.
Regarding the ending being a bit sloppy... well, you caught me. I just couldn't think of a funny way to end it all. For Tania and Sandra to leave, and for the ending with the other characters.
With the ending I wanted to end it using references which have been throughout the show. I didn't want to introduce anything too knew in the last page or so... but as you said, it could be much better.
Any thoughts/ideas on a better ending?
I just googled some fan sites, and I think I will post the script on one or two of them... thanks for the idea.
Steven, thanks for the read, and glad you liked it.
Yeah, the good/bad/interesting thing about the show is that you don't have to spend too long watching it to realise what the characters are like.
In the next draft I will make it more American. I might need some help from people from the US, like you, with that
Tommy, thought about what you asked, now i feel obligated to find some characterism issues. I think they just came off odd at the start because of some difference in american dialogue and you aussie native.
Problem for me is, i always watched the show for pure enjoyment, never really paying attention to what makes them up like I was ever gonna try to write them.
So I take that comment back, becuse I wouldn't know how to improve for you on that basis. I'll I really know, is it seems like Alan only gets a couple laughs per episode, although is the brunt of many. While almost everything coming out of Charlie's mouth is a hilarious insult. Unrealistically funny for a regular person, but he's got a group of writers working for his character too.
On thing he does alot id beat a joke to death... i.e. When he found out Alan was dating 2 girls simultaneously...
CHARLIE Do they know that you're dipping your chips in the salsa AND the gaucomole? Do they know your hitting 2 pinatas with one stick? Topping off two tanks with the same hose? Throwing your balls down two separate alleys?
You weren't far off with Berta either. Just a couple of dialogue issues. She seems to speak in the most curt sentences possible. always with a punchline.
ALAN Six bottles of wine again! Who drinks these Berta? I really feel Alan would already know this...
ALAN I didn’t steal the buggy, I found it. BERTA On a nearby golf course. With people in it. (beat) I can't imagine Alan, as timid as he is, doing that unless you were gonna give him a major reason to finish the race... get laid, beat judith's time???
BERTA Anyway, I’m off to see Blood Slurpers 4: When Good Vampires Go Bad. It’s about the President turning into a vampire who then eats his wife. It’s banned in three countries. Too bad this isn't rated R. Could see this paragraph changed to set Charlie up for s "Sperm Burpers 4" line. Well, I think its funny.
Anyways, the more iread through this the less I find wrong with it. It is very close, I especially like the protein juice scenario with Alan. That did come off great. Anyways, I write horro, Sci-fi. I don't think I could be much help to you. i try though. Good luck, James
No sweat. One thing I forgot to mention that I was also impressed with was not just your ability to emulate the characters, but your ability to capture the beats of a sitcom. I could almost hear the audience laughtrack with certain lines. Good work on that too.
With the ending I wanted to end it using references which have been throughout the show. I didn't want to introduce anything too knew in the last page or so... but as you said, it could be much better.
Any thoughts/ideas on a better ending?
Well, I guess the problem is that I have no idea how the show is usually structured (having only seen one episode) or how they usually end. I guess, I would kind of like to see the two plot lines play off of each other a bit more. Like, how can the fact that Alan's eating smoothies disrupt Charlie's plans? You kind of covered this by having him on the couch (after vigorously trying to work out), but I thought maybe you could push it further. But then again, like I said, I don't know how the show's formatted. It might not be one of those shows where everything comes together in the end.
Also, I was kind of disappointed to see that Grant wasn't an actual character on the show. For some reason, I thought he was Alan's new personal trainer, and would show up later on for wacky hijinks and what not. Maybe he could show up and steal the two girls away, I don't know.
Really good point about beating the jokes to death, for some lines.
Ditto with Berta's and Alan's line. Good work man.
Hahah yeah maybe you should write Sperm Burpers!
Again, thanks man. You have been very helpful.
Matt,
The reason I didn't want Grant to be a real character is to not bring too many new cast members onto the show. I thought that if he was on TV and not in the house, it would be okay. And I also want Grant to die, because of his smoothies and again Alan is the butt of the joke.
But you are right, I do need to tie more things in the end. And an actual reason for the girls to leave.
Okay guys, I need some help. I've fixed all the typo's, made it sound American, and changed a few lines to make it sound more authentic, but I'm having trouble with the ending.
I need a better way to get Sandra and Tania out of the house.
My latest thoughts:
They were both lovers at one point (bisexual) then broke up, and they still like eachother, and leave together.
OR
They are sisters, and leave together.
Both are a bit... hmm I dunno. They are better than how it is now.
So does anyone have any thoughts on that?
Regarding the very last line, I think I will try and reference Megan Fox once or twice before the ending, so it ties in and makes sense.
They were both lovers at one point (bisexual) then broke up, and they still like eachother, and leave together.
OR
They are sisters, and leave together.
I guess I really just don't like the idea of them leaving together at all. Mainly because it seems to just come out of nowhere, no matter what kind of spin you put on it. Now, maybe if you somehow set it up earlier, but if you just explain it away at the end it will feel wrong.