As you know, I really liked the previous draft anyway so then to read the latest and find it an improvement and even funnier was surprising because I wasnt sure what more you could do. Much credit to you for that!

Gav and Kelly's relationship worked a lot better this time round, felt more believable and you did put a lot more into both Kelly and Laura. I think before, they were pretty much the same as each other so Kelly's turnaround at the end - to go with her backstory - came out of the blue. Now Kelly's background is part of the main story and makes the ending much more natural.

Quoted from Scoob I really liked the previous draft anyway so then to read the latest and find it an improvement and even funnier was surprising because I wasnt sure what more you could do. Much credit to you for that!

Cheers Malcolm, much appreciated.

Alffy,

So I banged in well from work today and I decided to pay back the long overdue read.  I'm only on page 5, but I wanted to post my thoughts now so I can then concentrate on the story, and so my review wont be too long:

Is the first series of shots really a montage? I think we can just do with the descriptions.

Your narratives on the first page could be tighter. I assume Gav, Russ and Mozza are wearing chef's hats in the opening scene, which is why you further describe their appearances (their hair) on the bus. Make this clearer, perhaps?

Also, on the bus, you give us a shot of the three, and then proceed to describe each of them, and then tell us they each have a row to themselves. When I read this, I imagine each line as a different shot, so to me it seems you can do this a bit tighter in perhaps two three-line narratives?

Also, I'd prefer to know more about each lad in the first scene. As it stands, you have them doing their work, so essentially you've introduced three chefs to us; one stocky, one thin, and one overweight.  Nothing hints at their personalities, so we must learn what differentiates them from their dialogue on the bus.

For example, Mozza reads the porn mag on the bus - if it's the intention to make him the perv of the group, why not give a shot of him looking up from tenderizing the meat at a comely chef's assistant?  Maybe he's distracted and hits his finger?  Things like that will automatically set up your characters and staple them into the minds of the reader, instead of us having to read dialogue like "guy 1, guy 2, guy 3" and learning from them as we go.

For an example of what I mean by diffferent shots in the narrative, here are your descriptions from page five, which IMO you did perfectly:

"A number of benches with covering parasols and a large garden heater stands in the centre.

Local VILLAGERS emerge from their dwellings and eye up the tourists.

The pensioners enter the pub, followed by Colin and Susan.

The three lads step down from the coach.

JESS, forties, stands in the beer garden. He�s overweight and his beard hides his features.

TWO LOCALS exit the pub mumbling to each other, and stand beside him.

The three local men look the lads up and down as they pass. They nudge each other and smile.

Mozza stares back with a cheeky smile."

Perfect, because each line is its own shot - extremely well-written. Be back later when I finish.

AJR

Anthony,

I have to say I liked this - a lot.  And horror is not my thing.  Not to say there aren't concerns with it, so let me first address what I think you did very well.

SPOILERS, I guess, FROM HERE ON OUT:

I think Brian mentioned earlier that the predictability factor was high (from the first draft, perhaps?). This was not a problem for me. In fact, I applaud you for going this way. I was sincerely hoping that you were not just going to race the audience along just for a twist ending. I think there was enough tension in how gradually the boys found out, what they decide to do to escape, and what they ultimately decide to do (go back) and what happens when they get there.

I enjoyed what you did to end the second act as well. The bus, and the keys - all seemed believable to me. Of course these guys would find out something was up, and when they did, they'd want to leave right? Wouldn't you?

The bus hitting Colin was also a good plot twist. And I didn't question at all the decision to go back for Russ.  It was built into Mozza's character that he would suggest this (good job developing him).

The blood and gore ending turned comedic in spots, which I liked, and although it can be confusing to read, I'm sure it would lay out very entertainingly on film.

For my concerns:

If you’re going to leave Colin alive after his wife's accident, I think he needs to be more frantic than he is. Too much time has passed since his wife went missing and he’d likely be sounding alarm bells to all the other guests.

“So...I gather we won’t be using the, missing while pot holing story then.” I didn’t understand this line?  And if it’s supposed to be the reason for how the operation stays in business, it should be more clear.

Others have mentioned that Kelly falling for Gav is not believable, and I assume most of them read the first draft. In the second draft I still agree with them, to a point.

I do think it's very fixable though, and it goes back to what I said in my post above, which is that you need to spend more time developing these guys than just a montage cooking shot. I think we actually need dialogue and a scene or two before we see them go on holiday.

More importantly, Gav needs to be set up as the sensitive one, since it is this trait that causes Kelly to fall for him, and ultimately saves the three.  If you decide to add scenes before they embark, show him doing something overly nice for someone. Juxtapose his behavior against Mozza's, who's obviously the braggart and the would-be stud. (Oh, and fix up Russ a bit, because outside of the smoking he doesn't have many distinguishable characteristics.)

My only other real concern with this is the overall believability factor – in other words, that this “village operation” has gone undiscovered for who knows how long (police protection doesn't seem enough). And I think it stems from you making this a coach trip.  After all, these things are logged, and there would be a record of everyone who was on the trip.

I saw someone earlier suggest that your reasoning may be to have the police record it as a bus fire, and if that's how they stay in business with the operation, it strains at credulity for me.

I think the village needs to be more remote, and the guys should be driving, and maybe they don’t even know they’re stopping there until they happen upon it (this is how college guys travel, no?).

To lend more believability to it, you should have Jess in some way point out that the only potential victims are ones that won’t be missed. For example, Colin and his wife can be chatted up, and it can be found out that they have no children, they’ve retired early, etc.

Anyways, these are multiple paragraphs on one or two points that I think can be easily remedied.  I think you have a very saleable, commercial idea here, and if you can iron out these rough spots I can see you going out and querying this really soon.

Nice job on this and best of luck with it - AJR

Hey Alffy,

I see this is the feature version of Meat Pies. Did I read that one? I don't remember, but it sounds familiar. I read a lot though. I often get scripts mixed up.

I thought this one was okay. Not bad by any means, but didn't really hit a homerun with me either.  Here's my take on your script.

If I were you, I would have started a little more to the point in the beginning in order to set the tone right. Instead of busy workers in a kitchen, maybe have a slab of meat plunked down on a counter and then a meat cleaver slice into it and then continue with the rest of the kitchen scene. IMHO, the first imagery is very important to get an audience prepped right. I also would have liked to see the three guys introduced then and there. Not just by name and a visual, but have them interact with each other a little bit so it becomes clear that these are our main characters.

Like someone else  mentioned, Colin and Susan should definitely not be introduced first. It gives the impression it's their story which is incorrect. This is Gav, Russ and Mozza's "trip".  I wasn't really bothered by your descriptions of the characters. However, character's looks and what they wear usually say a little bit about their personality and that is then backed up by their actions and dialogue. The characters in your story are all pretty bland. Except for the guy with the beer gut hanging over his waistband and also the old lady who knits like a mad woman. You don't spend a lot of time with them, but they still stand out due to either looks or their actions. They are minor characters and should definitely not be more memorable than the main characters. Although it was good to show the guys in their chefs outfits. Tells us right away what their occupation is.

Of the main characters, I liked Gavin the most. Not sure why, but maybe because I felt for him a little more than the others. Probably due to him being fat and not having a lot of women after him, he's weakness is when Kelly shows interest in him. That storyline actually worked quite well. I didn't really believe Kelly being genuine with him, but the way you wrote him and the way it affected him totally worked. Susan and Colin were sort of strange. You describe them as a middle aged couple that are completely opposite of each other. I had a hard time believing their relationship. Why would someone like Susan even be interested in someone like him? They also didn't act like a married couple. They barely came across as friends.

The beginning is more like a series of shots IMHO, but as I mentioned earlier, I think that whole beginning should be rewritten as one scene with them interacting. It should be done in such a way that it leads better into the following scene. Right now it's a little weird the way we go from a montage to inside a bus.

They sure drank a lot in this script!  

Once we get to the Abberston Arms and they order their food, I felt like I knew exactly how this one would play out. Maybe because it was so obvious with that other couple gulping up their meat pies at the next table. I would have liked to still be a little clueless about the "meat" at this point.

I didn't get why Laura missed Mozza with the scythe. I thought it was on purpose…

I had a little bit of a problem with the amounts of meat these people get. Quite a lot of meat on all these bodies. Enough to feed more than this little village I would think. I was also wondering why they would kill these old people? Old animals don't even become people food. They become animal feed. Even if these people are cannibals, shouldn't they at least care a little bit about the quality of the meat?

I wanted to know why all these people in this village have turned into to cannibals and how it all started.  

I also wanted to know why  Jess had killed his wife.

page 23. Jess says "evening Kelly" should be Laura.

page 42 and 55. in one of the slugs you call it a bear garden.

I would have thought they'd be a little more upset about Russ dying. I know he didn't really die, but they thought he did so they should definitely show some more compassion there.

I know this is a horror/comedy and those are a little bit different than straight horror, but I still missed suspense. I noticed several of the others mention how the suspense was great. Maybe I didn't read it correctly, but I honestly didn't see or feel it.

So anyway, I think your script has potential, but is not complete yet. Increase the suspense, work on the characters some more, delay us knowing what the meat pies are made of and you would have a big improvement.

Good job Alffy and good luck with it.  

Feel free to sake anything if I was unclear.  

Anthony thanks for the read and your pointers.

I changed the montage at the beginning to include the lads but I guess what you said about an earlier scene before the coach makes sense.

As for the credibility of the villagers, I toyed with this pickle for a while.  I was going to have the coach diverted to Abberston by the local police and then later they cover up the crash.  I think I need to work on this a little?

I'm glad you enjoyed and it kept you entertained.  I'd really like to see what I can do with this script, after the little issues are sorted, but I'm not sure where to start?

Cheers again for the read.

Pia, thanks for the read, sorry it didn't hit the mark for you.

You make some good points.  Susan and Colin's mismatch was intentional but if you think it doesn't work, I'll work on it.

Laura missed Mozza with the scythe because he fidgeted and slipped off his seat.

I purposely didn't explain anything about why the villagers eat people as I thought it wasn't really needed for this kind of script.  I was thinking of making the old people not fit for eating but I wanted it to be like, they are easy to knock off and the villagers aren't fussy about a bit of gristle lol.

I was quite happy with this draft but thanks to yours and Anthony's comments I might go back and re-work it again.  I really want to make this as good as I can.

thanks for the read Pia.

Anthony,

Don't despair about not knowing where to start, because I think you're close. How about at the beginning?  (o:

I'd like to see the three develop their personalities a bit during the cooking montage, and then perhaps at dinner that night?  Or in their dorm rooms?

Then the coach scene is not all that necessary. If you want to keep in the "Mozza is a perv with the magazine" bit, why not have them take a bus to a rental car place?

Then you have the guys on the road - they don't know where they're going. Or maybe they do, and they need to stop over once before they get there. Hence they happen upon Abberston Arms...

Now you've solved a credibility problem, because we won't focus too much on how the other guests get there. You do have Derek, the driver, and the tour guide, to deal with though. I'll have to think about that one (and it's weird that the tour guide's in on it and the driver isn't?).

Maybe the tour guide runs a local siteseeing business in the area? And of course he just had to hire a new driver because, well, the last one was tasty... (o:

To summarize, I would do three things:

- Get the boys established earlier in the script - perhaps spend as much as 3-5 pages on them before they embark;

- Set up Gav as the sensitive one;

- Deal with the village's "proclivity" - make it more remote, have it be happenstance that people stop there, etc.

After that I think you have a winner, because this is a just oddly enough, left-of-center horror flick, IMO.

AJR

Quoted from alffy sorry it didn't hit the mark for you.

There's nothing to be sorry about. It wasn't bad at all. Just needs some tweaking.

Quoted from alffy You make some good points.  Susan and Colin's mismatch was intentional but if you think it doesn't work, I'll work on it.

I had a feeling you did that on purpose. I was picturing this as a film while I read it and I kept thinking. Why would she be with someone like that. I don't know. Maybe guys like to think that good looking, well dressed women that come across as someone with a little bit of class will happily have a slob looking guy as a husband. It's not usually how it works IMHO of course. They're middle aged married couple, but look look like they come from two different social classes.

Quoted from alffy Laura missed Mozza with the scythe because he fidgeted and slipped off his seat.

Okay, I must just have misunderstood that part.  

Quoted from alffy I purposely didn't explain anything about why the villagers eat people as I thought it wasn't really needed for this kind of script.  I was thinking of making the old people not fit for eating but I wanted it to be like, they are easy to knock off and the villagers aren't fussy about a bit of gristle lol.

I was thinking that eating people is pretty bad, but eating old people is just gross!  

Quoted from alffy I was quite happy with this draft but thanks to yours and Anthony's comments I might go back and re-work it again.  I really want to make this as good as I can.

And you will.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Maybe guys like to think that good looking, well dressed women that come across as someone with a little bit of class will happily have a slob looking guy as a husband. It's not usually how it works...

Worked for me. lol.

Hey Alffy, got through this in about 3 sittings…would have liked that to be 1, but it didn’t happen.  I finished last night, but wanted to digest it, so to speak, to see if I felt any differently this morning.  It tastes pretty much as it did when I finished.  I took page by page notes as I read, which should help with some issues.  It will be attached as a separate thread, so you’re going to get a triple or quadruple post here.

I read through all the feedback and see this appears to be a 3rd draft now?  I remember reading the short version of this a long time ago.  Although as I read, things from the short definitely came back to me, I don’t think any surprises were ruined.  I agree with a lot that Brian, Abel, AJR, and Pia had to say, but I’m afraid they seemed to like it quite a bit more than I did.

Alffy, I‘m going to give it straight up to you here, and I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re after.  This may come across as harsh, but it’s definitely not my intent in any way.  I think my page by page notes will give you a lot of insight as to my feelings and certain issues that were prevalent throughout, but I also want to go into some detail on some other issues that I feel are at the heart of what I find wrong here.  Let’s go…

First of all, I have to say that I am not a fan of horror/comedy hybrids. Just my personal preference.  I’m also not a big comedy guy, period.  And finally, I’m not a fan of British humor.  My comments throughout will not let my personal tastes get in the way of my feelings for this, and what it is supposed to be.

I say this very, very often, both in script reviews as well as when I’m watching a movie.  The concept (plot) has to make sense, or the entire project is flawed.  The concept can be as simple or complex as the writer wants, but it has to make sense within the world created.  When I say “concept”, I think I’m actually meaning a little more than just the concept or plot.  I’m talking about the details of the concept as well…the whos, the whys, and the hows.  This is my # 1 issue with your script.

For the life of me, I can’t come up with a single valid reason why 3 college aged guys would take a coach (bus) tour to this Abberston Arms place.  There is literally nothing there.  No cell service, no phones, no way to get to whatever town they wanted to go to Friday night…nothing!  Wherever they lived, there had to be a lot more to see and do.  They planned this out, they paid good money for the weekend, and it just comes off as so stupid, I couldn’t get it out of my head, especially the longer the script went on, as they just sat around drinking, cause there wasn’t anything else to do.

On the same note, the coach tour itself made no sense.  Whether or not the operator of the tour was in on it, doesn’t matter.  Why would anyone take this tour for a weekend?  Why would 3 old ladies do this?  Why would there be only 8 people on the entire tour?  What did the gay tour operator do for the tour?  It just doesn’t make any sense.

If you had given this place some life, some reason that people would want to check it out, it would help a lot.  If you had given us some details about what exactly it was as well as where it was, it would have helped.  How far away from where they lived, is it?  What’s there?  What is it known for?  You know what I mean?

Abberston Arms itself was also a big issue for me.  I don’t think you did a good job describing it at all.  It came off as 1 or 2 buildings only…basically the pub/bar/restaurant, as well as the upstairs where the rooms were. What and where is the nearest town?  Where do all the villagers live?  What do they do?  It doesn’t seem like there’s literally anything they can do to make money, as there’s nothing there or around it.  I’m not talking about big back stories or anything like that.  Just some details to help with visuals and understanding.

The cannibal idea itself is cool…I have no issues with it.  I don’t even care how or why they’re all cannibals. It seems like all these locals just sit around the pub, eating human meat pies, and that in itself, again, doesn’t compute.  In this script, which covered less than 2 days, 4 people were killed and turned into meat pies. That’s a lot of meat pies!  Just think about this going on and on over time…even for a month!  We’re talking about 60 or so people needing to be killed every month.  How could they possibly get away with this?  They couldn’t, and it doesn’t matter if the police are involved, the entire village, the coach operator, etc.  It’s just way too grand a scale for a little place like this.

OK, some more details that don’t compute.  The meat pies themselves are described as having “large chunks of meat filling”.  Now I’m not a professional chef, but I am an avid cook (and eater!), and I can tell you that this doesn’t make sense, assuming that all this human meat is being fed through a grinder.  A grinder turns meat into “sausage”, basically.  No large chunks, no chunks at all, actually.  To make meat pies, the “meat” would need to be cut up, and simmered in some sort of liquid, thus cooking it, and making it tender enough to then put into dough, and thrown into an oven.  Picky?  Yeah, maybe, but it’s just another thing that didn’t make any sense to me.

OK, let’s get into the characters and actual writing. Many have already commented about the characters not being well developed, definable, etc.  I agree, first of all, but I don’t have that big a problem with it or them.  For some reason, you chose to “describe” your characters by basically telling us in detail what each was wearing, down to actual colors of shirts, etc.  IMO, it’s never a good idea to dress your characters, unless it comes into play in the story or plot.  It’s not your job as screenwriter to play set or wardrobe designer.  I consider all of these lines (and there were a lot, BTW) to be a complete waste.

There was a good deal of dialogue, but I never really got much out of anyone, as to characteristics, personality, etc.  I think you could have helped your cause greatly by having some (or most) of the dialogue exchanges involve things that would help us understand each character…where they were coming form, what they liked, didn’t like, wanted, etc.  Sure, there was some of this, but mostly the dialogue and exchanges didn’t do much for me at all, and in many cases, didn’t work or didn’t come off as realistic or believable.

For instance, we know from the logline that our “3 lads” were going to some sort of cooking school, and were basically, chefs in training.  You could have and should have included some conversations about this (especially early on!).  Without the log, I doubt most would even know what they did, or what they were all about.  All it takes is little clues and the like here and there.

All the antags came off as extremely cliché and bland.  No real personalities here at all.  I think you had lots of opportunities to write these baddies as “badder” baddies.  The Butcher, for instance…a big hulking brute, who didn’t do a whole Hell of a lot, and when it came down to it, was rather easily taken out.  Howard should have had some interesting back story or quirks…or personality.  Kelly probably had the most life to her, but she needs a lot more to make her a good character.  I know so little about Jess and Laura, and it’s a shame, cause there’s got to be lots about them that is interesting, intriguing, and unique.  I see that you said you didn’t want to go into great detail about the antags, and I do agree, but there’s got to be something, or things that make them stand out and come across as more than just bad cannibals.

OK, let’s look at the actual writing now. I’m sorry to say this…I really am, but I think the writing itself needs a lot of work.  I saw that some early reviews noted there were tons and tons of grammatical errors.  You said you cleaned it up and by the 3rd draft, I would figure it would be fairly clean. It isn’t.  I know grammar isn’t everyone’s strong point.  Once you learn and understand what the errors are, they should not be so prevalent.  Lots and lots of missing commas, as well as incorrectly used commas. Quite a few examples of really awkward phrasing.  Lots of missing words or sentences that just don’t make sense.

Part 2

Of bigger concern though, is the “structure” of the writing, and what you actually chose to write.  Let me try and explain…

By structure of the writing, I’m talking about how you write your passages and sentences.  Maybe this is just my own opinion, but I really do not like when I read a script and see that the vast majority of the prose is 1 line or 1 sentence passages (paragraphs).  It sure adds “white” to the pages, and makes for a quick, simple read, but it also inflates the page count (run time) and limits how much info and detail you can get across.  I always say, never go over 4 lines in an action passage.  I also don’t like when the vast majority of the passages all run 4 lines.  But there should be a happy medium in there, that will make a script run the rule of thumb 1 page equals 1 minute of screen time.  I don’t believe this script falls into that category at all.

Now, with a dialogue heavy script, you’ll find that 1 line passages that break up dialogue is fine and normal.  It’s important to note though, that you shouldn’t be breaking up dialogue all the time, just to break it up with action prose that doesn’t say anything…or doesn’t need to be there.  This also artificially inflates a script even more.  Sure, you can’t and shouldn’t just have dialogue running back and forth, on and on, but you need to choose what you throw in between, wisely and have it be a visual that is either important, or something an audience wants to see, which leads me to…what you chose to actually write.

IMO, your script doesn’t have much “meat” to it.  It runs 93 pages, but would play out far shorter than this.  One reason for this is the style of your writing (1 line passages throughout).  But, a bigger reason is what you actually wrote.  There are pages and pages of stuff here that definitely does not need to be here for any reason at all.  It seemed to be on just about every single page. Your scenes don’t involve a lot of action (for the most part, until the end), yet they run on and on, based on wasted sentences.  So many lines about drinking, smoking, smiling, sighing, opening and shutting doors…just very mundane things (actions) that don’t need to be written.  Check out any 3 pages in a row, in your first 25 pages, and see how many of these “throwaway lines” there are.  By throwaway line, I mean a line that you wouldn’t miss at all if it wasn’t there.  Lines that add nothing to the finished product, and just don’t need to be there.
Add them up and multiply by 31 (3 X 31 = 93).  You also need to understand that each 1 of these throwaway lines will have a space on top and underneath it, meaning it’s not just 1 line it’s taking up.  Consider that there are about 55 lines per page, and see how many extra pages you’ve got (roughly).  I’m going to bet that you’ve got an extra 10-15 pages of stuff that has no purpose being here.  Adding this on to the fact that you’re writing in mostly 1 line passages, I’m going to bet that your 93 page script, is actually only around 70-75 pages of run time.  That’s not enough, IMO.

If you took out these throwaway lines, combined some of your action lines into longer passages, you’d be able to write an additional 15-25 pages of stuff.  Like characterization, like more detail, so we have a clearer picture of the world you’ve created.  Like more detailed action and reaction.  I truly believe this is merely a shell in its current form…a skeleton, so to speak.  There’s more story here, there’re better, more developed characters, there’s more detailed action that I think we’d all like to see.

So, Alffy, I know you don’t want to hear all this negativity.  I know the vast majority of reviews have been very positive.  I don’t want to be a dick or a downer, but this is truly how I feel, and I truly believe that you can turn this into a MUCH stronger script.  It needs a lot of work, IMO, but you’ve got the shell down, as well as some potentially interesting characters and plot points.  Flesh this stuff out.  Clean up the writing and grammar.  Give us more in places we need it, and less in those that do nothing.

I hope this is received in the vein I intend it, and I hope it helps with both this script and your writing in general.  Take care, bud.

Page by page notes

Page 1 – You don’t want to actually label Page 1 (as page 1).  It is Page 1, but don’t start labeling until Page 2.  Your software should have the ability to do this.

Like others, I completely agree that starting off with a montage is not the right way to go.  I don’t think this is even a montage, actually.  Also, like others, I completely agree that you need to give a little life to your 3 main characters right off the bat.  It feels odd, going from the “montage” to the “coach”.  BTW, what is a coach?  A train?  A bus?  Maybe I’ll find out in the next few pages…

I also agree with whoever said that you should probably develop a relationship and characteristics of these 3 before they get on this coach.  Give a few pages and let us get to know these guys.  I’m doing a lot of agreeing with people, which is odd for me!

I’m not familiar with “pensioner” or “boiled sweets”.

“in to” – “into”

I don’t like how you dress each character and take several passages to do it.  I don’t think this is at all necessary or affective use of space.

Page 2 - “dirty magazine” – I’d just name what it is exactly.  It sounds kind of odd this way.

“walks down” – if she’s coming from the back, she probably actually “walks up”.

Page 4 – Comma between “drink” and “ladies”

Page 6 – Comma between “off” and “mate”

“One picture hangs pride of place behind the bar, it depicts Jess and the Butcher, younger in age, outside the pub.” – Awkwardly phrased.  Probably better as at least 2 sentences.

Page 7 – “Colin sips from a pint, he studies a tourist guide with interest.” – Another case of incorrect usage of a comma.  This is either 2 sentences, or needs different punctuation.  I’ve noticed a few of these now. I’ll stop bringing them up, but be wary of them throughout.

Page 8 – something’s wrong here.  Kelly approaches the boys at a table to take their order, then she suddenly is pouring the lagers.

“Gav” – “Gav’s”

Page 9 – “eye’s” – “eyes”

Comma after “tentatively”

Page 10 – Comma between “again” and “Russ” – You always want to use a comma when you’re using a name.  Use it in front of the name, so it sets it off.  Pretty much always the case.  I won’t continue bringing these up.

General note – I see that your action prose is basically made up of 1 line passages, or 1 sentence passages.  I personally don’t like this style, as it artificially inflates your page length.  I’m 12 pages in and basically nothing has happened at all.  Worse though, is that I have absolutely no clue why the 3 guys are on this weekend trip.  How far away is it from where they live?  Why are they here for an entire weekend at a tiny little place like this?  Why would a coach tour even go here?  Also, it sounds like there were only about 8 total passengers?  I don’t get it.

Colin and Susan’s dialogue sounds terrible!  Totally unrealistic, sorry to say.

Page 17 – Colin and Susan’s death scene was clunky and hard to follow.  I’d say it needs some attention, as this is the first real bit of action, so it’s important that it reads much better than this.

General note – You’ve shown your hand incredibly early here, IMO. Even before the deaths and the finger nail, it seemed pretty obvious where we were headed.  I don’t think that’s a good idea, IMO.

Page 31 – I’m not buying into any of this, sorry to say.  The dialogue isn’t working, the exchanges aren’t working, the actions of everyone just don’t make any sense.  Again, I’m wondering, what are these guys doing here?  There’s nothing here, no taxis, no nothing.  They obviously planned this trip, paid good money for it, and had to know where they were going.

Page 34 – “to” – “too”

Page 40 – How could Laura miss Mozz with that scythe?  It’s not worded well, as I sure can’t see how it happens.  Not saying it couldn’t, but you’ve got to word this so we can see it happening, and it’s far from that now.

Page 42 – the “axe”?  I thought he had a cleaver?

“BEAR GARDEN” – “BEER GARDEN” – Funny!

Page 46 – “friends” – “friend’s”

General note – Again, I’m not buying any of this stuff.  2 of the 3 guys have seen crazy shit going down.  I don’t know where this town is supposed to be, but anywhere is better than in their tiny room.  Doesn’t make sense at all.

Page 48 – I don’t buy Colin’s reaction either.  It also doesn’t make any sense that he fell down and didn’t know what happened to Laura.  How’d Howard get rid of all the evidence so quickly?  What was Colin doing to not know or see anything?  Why would he wait until the next morning to say anything to anyone?  No, no, no…not working at all, sorry to say.

Page 51 – For some reason, you chose not to intro any of these ladies with actual names, but now, you’re letting us know that the one who is missing was Doris.  She should have been intro’d immediately as Doris, along with names of these others, as they are semi main characters.

Now the coach is being called “bus”…even in the Slug, which is definitely a problem!

Page 57 – “INT. BUTCHERS” – What does this Slug mean?

Page 61 – “Behind Russ, Colin stands in the road. Jason climbs over the fence and nears Colin.” – This doesn’t make any sense, as we’re inside the bus on an INT scene.

Page 63 – Again, I just can’t picture any of this going on.  How did Russ die?  How far away from the little village are they?  How’d Howard get there so fast?  None of this makes any sense to me.  A big problem is that you didn’t properly set your stage with what’s around, how far, etc.  It seems like there is only 1 or 2 buildings in the village, then nothing for miles.  How did Colin walk all this distance in the first place?  I’m very confused.

Page 71 – “to” – “too”


Page 72 – “So...I gather we won’t be using the, missing while pot holing story then.” – Huh?  No clue what this is supposed to mean.

Page 76 – “On a work top lies a white sheet, it covers something.  Underneath is an empty body bag.” – This doesn’t make much sense to me. The first line says “something”, and then the next reveals what it is.  No reason to take up 2 sentences for this.

Page 77,78 – “blooded” – Do you mean “bloodied”, or “bloody”?  Never heard of “blooded”.

Page 78 – Way too much use of “the lads” going on.  Need to find another phrase for them.

“They look round, a few empty body bags lie on the floor, the lads look at them.” – Totally incorrect usage of commas here.  This is actually 3 sentences.

Page 82 – “Mozza punches him in the face, the force breaks his nose and knocks him out.” – Wow, that Mozz is one Hell of a puncher!  I never really got a clear picture of Howard.  I thought he was described as a skinny cross eyed kid, but he killed very easily, dragged bodies around like he was Charles Atlas, but then he was knocked down and almost out very easily, and now, a single punch beaks his nose and knocks him out cold.  Again, as I’ve been saying, I don’t buy it.

“His large hand grabs her head and he tosses aside with ease.” – Awkward and missing something.

How can they hear anything outside?  They’re in a kitchen, behind the bar/restaurant, aren’t they?

What happened to the Butcher?  He just threw a couple people around, and now he’s nowhere to be found, as everyone just escapes with ease.

Page 85 – An awful lot of “the lads” here again.

Page 86 – “fall” – “falls”

Page 87 – “butchers” – “butcher’s”

How tiny are these “tongs”?  How could they fit inside his nostrils?  Are we talking about tweezers here?  I can’t visualize this at all.

General note – sometimes you capitalize “the Butcher”, and others, you don’t. Need to be consistent

Page 88 – “Russ’ eyes roll and topples over backwards.” – Missing “he”

So Jeff I gather you loved this? Lol

No really, thanks for the in depth review and sorry you didn't get any of it.  I'm gonna take on board everything you've pointed out and it gives me a good basis for the re-write.

The Village is small, a pub and a few local buildings surrounding the village square.  I'm going to include aomething at the beginning so that this is not their original destination.  You pointed out why did they go there in the first place?  They couldn't afford to go anywhere else and didn't know it was so bland...I'll work on this.

As for mincing all the victims, some were hanging in the freezer and not yet chopped up.

I'll work on the characters backstories.

The pies.  OK you're obviously a better cook than me.  I agree with the chunky bits but I think including boiling the meat would be pointless to show.

My style doesn't float your boat than?  I didn't want to over describe everything and slow down the flow of the script but I guess I'll have to compramise a bit and include some more details.

Don't start with the commas, if someone else says anything about my commas I'm going to go boil my head lol.  I'll look into these.

Ok, I'm gonna leave the rest but you've definately helped me and given me much to think about.  More importantly you've inspired me to go back to this now and re-work it, so cheers for that.  After reading your thoughts I should have been pissed, as you pretty much hated all of it but this is the kind of review I kind of like.  I'm sure it will help me get this script better, although I think you still wont like it.  I guess British comedy isn't your thing and no matter how good I make it, it won't work for you.  I can't stand blockbuster movies where the plucky underdog gets battered throughout the story only to win at the end in hail of national pride!

I don't think you included one positive here and that got me thinking.  I sometimes review a script that I don't like and find flaws with but try to include some things I like, just to give some positives.  Am I just been to nice?

Cheers for the great(harsh) review Jeff.  

Oh, I forgot to mention Jeff.  Cooking tongs are quite big but some have a narrow point at the end, so could grab a septum no problem.