Hey Alffy,
Sorry for the delay but stupid things called “work” and “family” got in the way.
Like I said in a previous post, this was the first feature length script I read on SS when I found the site back in October and I remember enjoying it so much. Have I change my mind…of course not!
It’s a brilliant little tale with lots of blood, humor and even handjobs. This will not be to everyone’s taste, a lot of the jokes and dialogue will fly straight over a lot of reader’s head who aren’t British.
I enjoyed the three main characters, they work together. We have the douche, the romantic and how would you describe Russ? Well, he likes a fag. They are just well written IMO, all the dialogue sounds natural between the guys and you can see these three down any local this weekend which I mean as a compliment.
On the other hand, all the rest of the characters struggle because so much emphasises is put on the three guys. Apart from the end reveal, we don’t get to know much about them; just they like to eat people. Not all of them needed a solid individual story but it would have been nice to see the Kelly and Gav storyline flourish before all hell broke loose. She could have told him about her mother and discussed some background on the village.
Also feel that in a filmed version, it would be hard to pull off with all the characters mainly in a single location, we rarely leave the pub, I’d say 75% of the script is at the pub one way or the other. There are different variations like beer garden, the lads room, kitchen but it still is the same pub at the end of the day. It could feel claustrophobic on screen, always in the same pub. Just a thought.
I do like the horror in this, it’s comedy graphic with heads being thrown into people’s groins and swinging bones like baseball bats, overall I think you did a good job with the action…however, I think the final fight could be tightened and more clear. It’s good visually but hard to get through with all the characters and things happening at one time.
I loved the dialogue and for me you’ve done an excellent job throughout, it read so natural and smooth.
Don’t know about the ending, the reveal of Kelly’s mother was a nice touch but as for the guys cooking the pies for the locals, I’m not sure. After all the vomiting they’ve done over seeing people get chopped up, to suddenly do it themselves seems farfetched but it fits the theme you were going for here.
The writing is good, I didn’t have much of a problem and breezed through the script in no time which I always think is a good thing. I read it in one sitting this afternoon. I really enjoyed this but maybe I’m biased as like I say this was the first script I read and for that reason, it holds a special place with me.
These are the notes I took during the read:
P. 1 Russ wearing all black with black hair, all I can picture is a goth and I don’t know if this is the impression you want?
P. 2 “the Slaughtered Lamb.” Fantastic.
P. 5 “Hi De Hi” I love the guys banter in this but could understand why our friends across the sea could struggle to follow some of it. It’s very British which appeals to me.
P.6 “A quaint setting with flock wallpaper, old wooden tables and chairs and black and white pictures decorate the walls.” To many “and’s” this sentence for me. Try to break it up with a period after chairs.
P.10 Russ finished his pint damn fast! Wish I could drink like that.
P.12 I wonder whether you need a change of slug or maybe just a mini slug or P.O.V shot here for Jason and Jess when Russ looks at them. I gather they are not in the beer garden.
P.14 “you’re lovely you aren’t you.” Not that there is anything wrong with this line of dialogue, it’s just I had to reread it because it came off confusing when first looked it over. Just a thought.
“fresh pint” Take out fresh, already mentioned they are fresh pints in the action before.
“She probably taking the piss.” I think “She’s” would read better here.
P.15 Like Mozza’s reaction to the room.
P.16 “Jess enters via the bar door.” This is a superfluous sentence as you end the scene straight after this line.
At page 35 now, one concern would be that the boys have been at the pub for 30 pages now which is 30 minutes on screen. Seems a long time to sustain characters in the same location. I understand there has been the variation of the beer garden and upstairs rooms but it’s still the same pub at the end of the day. Don’t know if you thought about adding a scene where the boys look around the town,
P.37 GAV
But the coach doesn’t leave till
Sunday.
Till should be til I believe.
P.38 “Gobshite” great word! Takes me back to the playground.
P.40 “scythe” Now that’s a killing tool!
P.41 I do like Mozza punching Laura, something really funny in that for some reason. He looks around, takes in his situation, shrugs and BANG! Visually, it’s funny.
P.43 The way you have done the scene here with Russ and Howard is what I think you need to do in that earlier scene I mentioned. It will make it a lot more clearer IMO.
P.45 Till or til, not sure really but I always thought it was spelled til if shortened for until and till was a cash register. It’s just you have written “till” changed to “til” and then back to “till” over a few pages. I do like consistency, sorry if I am being too picky.
P.47 It’s a bit difficult to believe the boys would wait until the morning to leave, shit, I would be out of there in a heartbeat. I think you need a more convincing reason for them to stay put until the morning. Not sure what but it needs more IMO. I’ll think about it as I go on.
How did Colin end up in the village square? Wouldn’t he have asked in the pub for help? Ask them to ring the police as he can’t get reception on his phone? He has no idea anything is wrong yet? Just seems strange to look for your wife with a damaged ankle when you have an idea where she is? Did he even check their hotel room? He didn’t say so?
P.50 “He strides off towards the bus.” Thought it was a coach?
P.51 Here the slug is INT. BUS – DAY but the day when they arrived it was INT. COACH – DAY. There is a difference between the two vehicles; maybe there is a coach and a bus outside? Don’t think so but it needs to be consistent unless the reader will get confused. Keep all descriptions as coach IMO.
P.53 “INT. COACH – DAY” Now we’re back in the coach.
P.59 A long passage of time seems to have elapsed between Laura entering the pub, something to look at. She enters the door in one scene and then 4 pages later finally entering on the other side. Seems a tad too long for these scenes to come together is all.
P. 69 MOZZA
I’m gonna fucking brain him.
Like it!
“He silently speaks before falling backwards.” How could Jason fall backwards if he’s already on the floor?
P.75 “he wears his smart uniform.” Who else’s uniform would he be wearing?
Also at 75 pages, it feels so late to be introducing a new character, I think you should reference or intro Fraiser earlier in the script. I mean at 93 pages, it seems too late for me.
Edit: He never returns after this one scene, thought that was strange really because you could utilise this character more IMO.
P.76 “Gav follow.” Follows
P.82 “The engine noise dies and a car door slams closed.” Wouldn’t this (O.S) as well? Like the previously times.
P. 85 MOZZA
We’ll, now I know what a Bernard
Matthews turkey feels like.
We’ll should be well but I do like this line, funny.
MOZZA
Heads up.
Yes! Great pun.
The action in the kitchen at the end could be tightened to make it clearer, a lot of things are happening at once and that can come off as confusing. I found myself stopping to try and clarify where everyone would be in this scene.
Overall this is a fun piece and right up my alley, it won’t be for everyone but for someone who enjoyed movies like Severance and Shaun of the Dead, this is great.
I enjoyed it and glad I gave it another read.
Great work!
Steve
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