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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Pub Lunch Moderators: bert
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alffy
Posted: August 14th, 2012, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Okay I get ya, Mark. I guess I've a few options with this, add to the characters which would add to my page length or cut a few adrift. More to think about when I tackle this script again lol.

Cheers, mate.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 14th, 2012, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
I'm not sure which draft you actually read, Jeff but in the latest one the coach is detoured by the local police, who are in on the villagers killing spree.    The tour guide is also in on the action.  The guys wanted to go abroad but had no money and so the coach trip is all they could muster.  How does this sound?  Is it too convenient?


That's all fine and dandy. Not sure if this was in the draft I read or not, but I'll ask you this...

Is the reason for their trip made clear before the start of the bus trip?  It should be, and it should make sense that both the group of lads would want to go as well as the old folks.

How long and out of the way is the detour supposed to be and why do they never leave the town then?  I mean, I assume everyone is paying good money for this trip, and I also have to assume that since it includes overnight stays somewhere that there are reservations at their supposed destination.  There needs to be a reason why they never leave the town and since there's nothing in this town to do or see, the travelers need to have some reaction to this change in plans.

Know what I'm saying?

It kind of all goes back to the classic setup/plot hole in which a bunch of 20 somethings (who have nothing in common and don't even get along) decide to take a weekend trip together to a cabin/house/camping trip/whatever and have absolutely no reason to be there, other than because that's where they're all going to be killed.

It's a poor setup and anyone who thinks about it for more than a few seconds will ask the question, why are these people doing this in the first place?

To take this 1 step further, which I honestly think you should do, you have to understand that comedy or not, there has to be a semblance of believability here.  One has to assume that this coach trip gag happens on a regular basis, meaning, all sorts of different peeps are getting taken to this town and they're all getting killed and disappearing off the face of the Earth.  It wouldn't be long before someone catches on and the gig is up.  The closer this is to a big city, the more impossible it becomes.
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alffy
Posted: August 14th, 2012, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS!!!!




This is my current set-up and this all explained during the story;  The guys have imminent exams at their catering college and want a brief break to relax but can't afford to go abroad so Gav books them on a rural trip to the Moors, to the annoyance of Mozza.

The coach is stop by the police and diverted to a different village but they aren't aware of this.  The tour guide is in on the episode.  The driver is new and unaware of his surroundings.  Later, Fraiser, the policeman lets on that they cover for the disappearances of previous victims.

In England, old peoples residents run outings all the time, so their presence is pretty believable.

The Protags do try and escape but are thwarted by crashing the coach.

I know it's not the best set-up but it rivals say, 'Wrong Turn', oops we got lost and broke down.  I think you could look at something like 'An American Werewolf in London' and say it too has a dodgy set-up.  Two American's hiking across the Moors and stumble upon a Werewolf.  Actually when I think about it, don't most horror's have pretty lame set-ups lol.

I've more to think about now....


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irish eyes
Posted: August 14th, 2012, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy

You could have a coach load of elderly ladies getting lost on their way to bingo and have them arrive separately later in the script maybe running over a zombie/ crazy villager  or 2, you just don't have to name everybody.

All the best

Still enjoyed though

Mark


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alffy
Posted: August 15th, 2012, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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Cheers, Mark.

So I've moved this to Comedy.  Agree or disagree?


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 15th, 2012, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Disagree.
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alffy
Posted: August 15th, 2012, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Bollocks lol. A lot of people have said it should be comedy rather han horror. Do I know bug Don to shift it back?  


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 15th, 2012, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Your call, Allfy.  If many think it should be here, leave it.  Just responding to your question and giving you my opinion.
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alffy
Posted: August 15th, 2012, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Think I'll leave it here for now, Jeff.  Can't be arsed to bug Don again anyway.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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irish eyes
Posted: August 15th, 2012, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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To me a lot of horrors turn out to be comedies anyway.. I would leave it in comedy.

Mark


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irish eyes
Posted: August 15th, 2012, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Why can't it be a comedy/horror that's how Shaun of the Dead is labeled

Mark


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 16th, 2012, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy

Got to finish this.

SPOILERS

I think it belongs in the comedy section. Granted you can turn it into horror (like Texas Chainsaw Massacre), but I think comedy is best.

Sadly, I was able to predict the ending. . Didn't want to but it just came to me. Don't know if it was a good thing or bad thing.

I did like the comedy. Some suggestions:

The blindfold scene with Laura and Moz. Laura has a busted lip accidentally inflicted by Moz. Why not have Laura go crazy on him? He did headbutt her and ruin her face.

Close to the ending, wouldn't Russ feel angry that Gav left him for Kelly?

Something that came to me. The rock scene btw Colin and Jason. How about having Jason accidentally kill himself? He does have the knife. He can disfigure himself.

I'll think of some more stuff. But overall, you did make me laugh.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/

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Mr.Ripley  -  August 16th, 2012, 1:09pm
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alffy
Posted: August 16th, 2012, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Gabe, thanks for the suggestions and keep 'em coming if you've got any more.

Sorry you saw the end coming, hope it didn't ruin it lol.  I'm glad I made you laugh though, and perhaps it proves that this should stay in the comedy section?

Cheers, Gabe.


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You can find my scripts here
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marriot
Posted: August 20th, 2012, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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bfeore I start reading alffy, is the original post in the thread the latest version, or if not do you have a link to the latest v, or if something else wants reading before this could you point me where to go (and on that last one - be nice!)



Maz


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alffy
Posted: August 21st, 2012, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Maz, this is the current version. Last version? Thanks in advance for checking this out. The word was it was a little slow at beginning but now I've switched it to comedy it may help.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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