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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  God Gets Fired Moderators: bert
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  Author    God Gets Fired  (currently 3560 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 22nd, 2011, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Ron,

Apologies for the delay in continuing your script.
I should get back on it tomorrow.
I have a round of Killer on my plate today.
Looking forward to diving back into your script.

Cheers,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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leitskev
Posted: November 22nd, 2011, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ron, I have to get back to the second half soon, but I actually just had a thought regarding your story. I hope you welcome that kind of thing, not everyone here does.

I mentioned to you that I thought it would really help if you get into why God's a stoner trying to avoid growing up, with a crush on an older woman. Some random thoughts: from the opening sequence, we gather that there are other worlds with other gods assigned to them, gods who do things each in their own way. Why not visit one? Then we can get a sense of how "our" God is different, maybe why he is who he is. We might get a sense of why he's a f@ck up, but at the same time find him that much more appealing and sympathetic.

For example, we visit a world where Dog is the god, and he's very much the opposite of our God. In fact, maybe he has been assigned to come in an clean up God's mess here, and that's why God visits him, to see what's going on there.

At first, Dog's world is the vision of perfection. God has always been annoyed by Dog, who is like an accountant on steroids; anal, particular, a perfectionist. He created his world in 6 days; no resting tolerated. He dresses just so, every hair on his head perfect. His world is perfect order. There is no pain, no suffering, no sin. Everything runs like a well oiled clock.

But the longer God sticks around to check out this world(with Matt), the more odd he finds it. There's no pain or suffering, but there is no love. There's no sin, but there's no heroism, no altruism, no self sacrifice, no noble virtues. And it is dull, dull, dull! Nothing changes, ever. All Dog's worlds look the same, and are the same for eternity.

Also, Dog lives in a castle above his world. God lives IN his world. He shares the joy and the suffering. Part of the reason he's a stoner is he needs to tune out, forget his responsibility. It's not a conscious choice in his part. God has a subconscious mind too. Get him on the couch! Have him analyzed. Would be a great scene. We discover that his being a stoner is a means of escape, not from what he knows, or from the world, but from who he is, what he has done.

This kind of thing really rings true with our mythology, Christian, Hindu, others. The idea of God becoming man, joining us, experiencing the physical world.

I think if you went from this angle, you could position Rax in a way that would work well for conflict, comedy, and resolution. Rax and Dog would each serve to reveal a different aspect of God. So Rax has to stand somewhere apart from both Dog and Rax. Dog is logical, dull, mechanical. God is not those things. And neither is Rax. That's why she first fell for God. She is emotional, but her subconscious has channeled her reaction to "life" differently than God. God withdraws, becomes a stoner. Rax engages, becomes the destroyer. But they are both just reacting to the pain they acutely feel. Dog feels no pain.

You could get Rax on the couch too. Couples counseling? No, maybe not that. But get her on the couch.

Ok, take that idea out for a spin, let me know what you think.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 23rd, 2011, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ron,

Finally picking up from page 52 this morning.
I revisited my earlier notes to pick up the metaphorical scent.

P. 56  I had a hard time swallowing Fogg's motive for the shooting.
         How did he know God was the one to attack? It's unclear to me.

P. 63  Felt the Rax/God scene didn't amount to much.
         Sure, there were fireworks, but it didn't progress the story.
         I thought you were setting up God there to sacrifice himself.
         If Rax is going to destroy Earth, she'd have to kill him too.
         That would demonstrate God's belief in humanity to Rax.
         So God disrupts her powers, so she has probable cause to kill him.
         That emotional stake raising is where I thought you were going there.

P. 66  Matt and Lisa's scene. It's pretty long at three pages.
         I don't think I got what I was supposed to get from that exchange.
         Felt more like a summation than story progression.
         Was Lisa's dream mentioned before? I don't recall.

P. 70  I'm unsure why Rax pursued finding God's home on her own.
         God left her alone, she can do whatever she wants.
         And she talks like he's there, but he isn't. I think I missed something.

Stopping at page 70 this morning.
I'll probably finish this up after Turkey Coma Day.

The story doesn't move forward much between pages 55 - 70.
This is typically the area where most scripts are padded.
Though I like the reveal of the red X's in the compendium.

"Sean" and Lisa have got no game in the script.
I'd like to know more about why God would date her.
Was it just to get to Matt? Maybe you touched on this earlier and I don't recall.

Rax seems to be whatever the scene calls for her to be.
Sure, I get she's a somewhat menopausal apocalyptic bully.
But she speedily vacillates from tyrant to wounded wife a little too easily.
I like the tone of the banter, but a little more relationship stuff would help.

Hope all this help. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 23rd, 2011, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
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I pm'd some thoughts the summation of which is the love story. I also addressed something that would help us poor creatures in God's seeming lack of judgement by breaking out the bong. You are right in staying away from cliches so you have to trick us into them. I think you can do it here. There is a sense of witwicky and all spark going on. Also the sorcerer's apprentice. BUT that love story. Read the pm. You're smart in being smart about this.
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leitskev
Posted: November 23rd, 2011, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Ron, finished a second a ago. Here's some quick response and thoughts, I may come up with more after I let things stew in my mind.

Some bullet points:
1) the early part of this script demonstrates a deftness with dialogue, and with creating characters and scenes that draw us into the story. No easy task for any writer.
2) your characters are likable, but they don't reach their potential because they are sometimes inconsistent. I believe this is due to the fact that the relationship between the characters was never structured clearly or, more important, purposely. When you get a better sense of your protag's story and your theme, you will have the opportunity to smooth out these issues.
3) if this was listed under comedy, I have to say, there were not a lot of laughs. Hard to judge a comedy script on that. Sometimes you need to create the vehicle for comedy and let the actors do the rest, and maybe that's what you've achieved here.
4) this story is Ambitious...with a capital A...even if it is a comedy. You're playing with a host of concepts that are creative and bold, but way out there: gods assigned to worlds, worlds created using formulas, a ruling council of gods, creation of life forms, the limited powers of "God"(struggled against meteor), etc. Obviously you're trying to lean more towards comedy in this then towards making deep philosophical speculations or points about reality, but still, this kind of script would require a lot of attention and development from even the most veteran of hands. Since you probably don't have the time to make it some kind of deep intellectual piece, you definitely want to emphasize the zany.
5) the jealousy with Quentin is introduced late. We go from having to convince Rax to not destroy the world, to having to convince the jealous administrator of the universe. Also, Rax was convinced kind of easy. I understand that deep down she wanted to be convinced because she still loved God, but still, she's got some anger and baggage to peel through, and we should see more of that peeling.
6) one of the premises, we figure out, is that God created an imperfect world so that the council will send Rax to destroy it. What, the gods don't have cell phones? They can't call each other? That God is pining for his ex might make him sympathetic, which is good. But that he purposely created imperfect beings(us) in the hopes she would be sent to destroy us...doesn't have me rooting for him. Man, my hair is thinning because God wanted Rax back? Also, while we're on the topic of imperfection(and other than that I'm perfect!), what really is our imperfection? I never understood it. Something about our not being emotional enough. Really? Are lions and tigers and bears more emotional than us? How about clams? This part, which is critical, does not work at the moment, IMO.

It's worth repeating a couple of things for emphasis. This is ambitious. Worth pursuing, absolutely. IMO, it's gonna take at least one major rewrite from scratch, along with the usual polishing up the a$$. But, that's writing! You did a fantastic job pulling me in. I'm not sure where you started to lose me, but I would say about a quarter the way in. And you didn't totally lose me. I think the issues were with the inconsistent characters(especially Rax) and some other plot and structure stuff. I'd love if you would consider my suggestion in my previous post, or something like that. I'm gonna read other peoples posts after I hit reply, so I may add an edit at the end. The Rax/God dynamic and the stoner God who has been assigned to our world is ripe with potential. Your skill with dialogue means you can pull it off. And I think if you structure things a little more clearly, you'll find more opportunities for humor.

Think of it this way: God is the protag. All these other people have to be set up in some way that conflicts with him. In this way, we reveal God, what makes him tick. I love the idea of meeting a different style god(I called him Dog as a joke), a god that's more anal, not like our free spirited deity.

I would like to see more of God in his element: in his high school class teaching, hanging out with hippies protesting other people's success, touting crazy conspiracy theories, being forgetful, getting the munchies, tripping out. Maybe God should play an instrument. This might really open up some more comedy. Also, you have Matt getting frustrated with God. Good! We need more of that. Everyone should be frustrated with God.

Ron, got a lot of talent, glad to have you here in the forum. I hope something in this mess of thoughts helps a little.

Kevin
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leitskev
Posted: November 23rd, 2011, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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Read through the comments and posts:
1) I agree with Clorox, Max vs Rax is troublesome in concept, unless she's letting him do it to toy with God, AND, God doesn't know about it.
2) also agree with Clorox about God getting shot. I'd be OK with God being strangely afraid in a gun fight, but I'm not so sure about his getting shot
3)also like clorox, I found the apprentice stuff kind of unconvincing; if you're gonna go that route, it needs to be carefully developed. Will Matt and Rachel become gods, as seems to be the suggestion, and if so, does that tell us anything about God's history and development. Food for thought. I think they apprentice concept can work here. Has to be cleaned up so it's more believable. Doable.
4) I just read your points, Ron. May address some of the things I mentioned.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 26th, 2011, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ron,

What a long strange holiday weekend it's been, and it's only Saturday!

I've never taken this long to get through a script before, my bad.
Picking up from page 70 this morning.

P. 73  Rax and God in the strip joint.
         I feel like this scene should be more poignant.
         Want to care that God has lost faith, instead it feels like a pity party.
         And God not caring about the manager being murdered, came off creepy, IMO.

P. 75  Heaping helping of plot exposition delivered here.
         The Quentin love affair needs to be established earlier and nurtured.
         If Quentin is our true villain, we need to see his jealousy early on.
         I like the idea of God's character flaw is being a bit of sap when it comes to love.

P. 83  Who is Archibald? A lackey? I forgot.

Finished. Overall, this is a pretty solid read. Nice flow all the way through.
But God came off as a jerk to me, due to the Lisa subplot.
They never seem like a couple, but God comes off douchey for dating her.
He's obviously still into Rax, but he pounds Matt's mom. Ouch.
I honestly thought it was going to be a dramatic conflict between Matt and God.
You certainly set that up, but it doesn't come together.

Either pay off that conflict and make Lisa a bigger player or lose it all together.
As written, it's only hurting the script, since it doesn't get resolved.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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