God Gets Fired by Ron Maede (conwall) - Comedy - When God loses his job he is depressed and humiliated.  Worse, his ex-wife is put in charge of demolishing the world he worked so hard creating.  She wants revenge.  He just wants her back.  Luckily, it’s all been part of his plan from the beginning.  89pages
- pdf, format

It started out a little slow for me, but I kept going as it got better. It's a very minimalist script, hence the 88 pages. I'm new to screenplay format so I'm not sure how minimalist one can get a away with.

One quick note: on page 7 you have a slug that says INT. MATT'S HOUSE - DAY, then a mini slug GARAGE. Can it be shortened to INT. MATT'S HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY?

I like Rax and God's cooky plan that ends up working.

I got a chuckle on the cotton candy comment on page 18 right after Rax's morphing.

I liked God's character - I can see someone like that guy Zack from Hangover playing it.

Overall, I think it was good, although very minimalist. Good luck.

Good script, I liked it.  The log line, and opening scene were good, they got my attention and kept me reading.  Really liked the opening scene where God is basically being heckled over his giant lizard creatures-- good stuff.  

I got to about half way through, I'll read the rest this week.  My thoughts so far--

I felt there were some inconsistencies with God's character, especially in the beginning.  This might have just been the way I read it, but his personality didn't seem stable at times.  Sometimes he seemed very serious, then sarcastic, then a stoner, then perverted.  It was a little hard to tell who the guy really was.

pg(1 God: "It’s been like cotton candy at the fair, but we gotta blast."  This didn't feel consistent with something God would say.  It felt like something a teenager would say, not a God who's 4.5 billion years old (or 6,000 yrs if you're a creationist) I would think he'd have a wealth of obscure references that he could use.  And I think if he used really obscure examples from time to time it could be pretty funny.  Like " This has been almost as fun as watching the first caveman invent the wheel and then the next day run himself over with a cart, but we gotta go"  -- Just a thought.

I liked the concept of God being fired and his ex-wife coming in to destroy earth, thought that was pretty creative.  

I stopped about midway, pretty good so far, I'll read the rest in a few days, and send along some notes.

Oh and thanks for commenting on my short "Unorthodox Genius" Conwall, I appreciate it.

Thanks for taking a look guys.  

So far so good. Set up is quick and you have a cool Hero, a Mentor (of sorts), over the top Villain, ticking clock, and humor. Haven't laughted out loud yet but've chuckled a few times. The gay set up is good for those moments that come along. Back story fill in works well with the forward momentum of the present story.

Thanks for the read Clorox.

Matt going in as the hero against Rax doesn't work. You haven't set up anything for him to succeed except the cards he waves in God's face. All of a sudden this big showdown happens and Matt has ability. Every apprentice learns some hard lesson before battle. I haven't seen Matt learn anything yet.

Also, with this big showdown, we have a genre change of sorts, from God in his stoned out little life going to pieces where he wants to party and a rule of attraction card creates an orgy to this Lord of the Rings Balrog battle.

Prior, I didn't get why the gladiator scene was important. You could waste that and show me Matt learning some ropes from God. BUT, if Matt is supposed to be the one who takes out Rax, which is the set up here, then it comes right before the showdown. Prior to that it's just God collecting his stuff and being a stoner before the end comes.

The set up was good, so far the wheels come off the follow up cart.

Rax showing man's worst achievements are cliche. Every alien movie shows up to clean our clock because we're a disease and can't manage ourselves.

When God gets shot he goes to the hospital, is that a problem? In any feature that has supernatural elements, you have to set up the rules by which to live by and if they differ from what we, the audience, assume to be, then you have to lead us into what can and can't happen. In ghost stories the ghost has to live by as set of rules as to how they can interact with the real world. Can they appear and do as humans or can the just make wind and blow out a candle for instance. Or like in GHOST, Patrick Swayze moves a coin to convince his love that he is there. Here you have God get shot and he winds up in the hospital. Forget the awkward leap after the shooting. He's God. Or is he just human, like any one of us and as long as he has the rule cards, he can do God stuff, like he's trying to teach Matt? Can anyone be God in this? Can I? Rex comes and takes him away and he is fine. Is that how it works? Just confusing is all.

When Rax sees the drawings turn horrific, is there a reason we don't see them? We see the other pages, but not the horrific pages. I see this as an important place.

While I'm here, I see the relationship God and Rax had and that at one time it was special. That is the biggest plus I see here, this love story that was and the conflict that is here now. But it's too loose. God's character is too inconsistent. He's a stoner, then a mature guy trying to convince his ex to have mercy?

Rax is the one who seems responsible, mature, even thought she's supposed to destroy Earth.

God's real reason for giving mankind flaws is to get Rex back? How does that work? That kind of sucks, really, don't you think. I mean, it works for love's sake with God and Rax, but, really? We become throwaways don't we?

When God becomes more "biblical" maybe you could have him say some verse out of the bible instead of some incantation.

I think there is something here and there are elements that work but it's incoherent to me. We humans pray as one and God gets his mojo on and saves that day. That relates to our prayers to God and having affect so that relates to something real. The actual character of God though seems all too human for me to buy into. He's too depraved to really be in his position, but maybe that's that youth of today. Still, I think they cry out for higher moral ground and truth in life despite wanting to get laid and stoned.

The teaching part on behalf of God and Rax comes off lazy. This is Harry Potter stuff, apprentices and all, but there isn't much to it. One scene and I'm supposed to buy in? You need three. Three scenes and you have love. Three scenes you have hate. Three scenes and you have some ability in the apprentice. The one attraction scene doesn't count, that one is an accident.

There is time spent on the rules, too. I think if we saw some of the rules we'd be better clued in, and not just the rules that appeal to getting laid. The rules are a thread that need closure.

Another note is that for me, sex jokes are cheap and easy. Try something else and see what happens. Of course we are sexual creatures, so some of that works well but bring it up a notch from the strip clubs.

Quentin doesn't close either. If he's the real villain he needs screen time. Rax is not the real villain and there is not much time spent trying to stop the world from being wasted. There is more time spent on the sexy and stoner side of God than the real story that was set up and that is God has to stop Rax from destroying the earth. Matt is introduced as God's buddy but starts off as God's mentor of sorts when Matt tells God he has to stop the earth from being destroyed. From there the story is all over the place.

Lots of cool little things in there, none of which are the stoner and sex stuff. The stronger work is in the creation and God showing it to Rex. Rex discovering the books. Rex finding out God did it for her. Rex steps up and becomes an ally after that. However, God using us as Guinea pigs for his affection doesn't work for me. God love us, he loves Rex, make both work. Rex slapping God into shape is like a woman slapping a man into shape, which works on our level, but on God's level? We don't see the relationship God screwed up but us guys all know about screwing up relationships, so maybe you don't have to show and tell there.

I read this in three sittings so my thoughts are disconnected. In a cohesive script I come away with one cohesive thought because the script is cohesive and it works all the way through. I think the premise is very good and this is worth a rewrite.

Hey Conwall,

Thanks for your notes on the fresh draft of Clone Wife.
The least I can do is return the gesture in kind.

I'll take notes as I read and summarize with a few thoughts at the end.

Breezed through the first 25 pages this morning.
I'll continue as work allows.

I didn't have any format notes or wonky parts that stuck out.

The pages read very well and the humor is pretty consistent.
However, I don't feel much in the way or urgency regarding the situation.
Perhaps if there's a clearer mission God seeks to fulfill.
Like he's got a day to gather up what he wants to keep. An Earth scrapbook.
An unless God can prove to Quentin that Earth deserves a second chance.
Quentin tells God to pick one that can become inspired to save the planet.
That could be a way for the audience to meet Matt.
Something like that is a clear set up for our underdog protag.
As written, God feels like the flawed hero and Matt's just along for the ride.

Matt feels more like a comic foil to God than his own character.
Perhaps in part due to Matt only being introduced in relation to God.
If Matt is to be how own character, we need to see him away from God.
An opening scene with Matt in his normal surroundings could help.
Showing Matt's flaw (timid, etc.) before God reveals himself would help.

I like what you've got here so far.
But I don't connect the dots between God and Matt.
Why is Matt so special? Why pick him?

Matt looking down at the Earth is a make or break kind of moment.
I need to believe then and there that Matt is willing to take on the mission.
Even if he doesn't realize the full implications, he commits to it.

Urgency. Character commitment. Establish your everyman Matt on his own terms.
I think these tenets will sharpen the opening act.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks for the read E.D.  I thought your comments were spot on.  

Ironically, the first complete scene I rewrote was Matt's introduction.  Ditched the phone call and had a longer scene in person with his girlfriend.  

Also, the reason God likes Matt is because he is the best example of a human brain ever created.  He's the smartest kid on the planet.  He doesn't know it, of course.  He hasn't completed his education.  These are the notes I wrote to myself in the outline.  One can only blame gin, bourbon, and the demands of daily life that made me leave it out of the finished script.  Argh.  Damn you Jack Daniels!

Quoted from conwall Thanks for the read E.D.  I thought your comments were spot on.   Ironically, the first complete scene I rewrote was Matt's introduction.  Ditched the phone call and had a longer scene in person with his girlfriend.   Also, the reason God likes Matt is because he is the best example of a human brain ever created.  He's the smartest kid on the planet.  He doesn't know it, of course.  He hasn't completed his education.  These are the notes I wrote to myself in the outline.  One can only blame gin, bourbon, and the demands of daily life that made me leave it out of the finished script.  Argh.  Damn you Jack Daniels!

Hey Conwall,

Look at this way. It's a good sign I'm echoing your notes.
I think you know in your head how this should read.
It's only a matter of time to get it all on the page.

I suffered a similar problem with early drafts of Zombie Playground.
But once I established my flawed hero on his own terms, things came into focus.
Until I had that "eureka moment" on how to intro him, I was struggling.

I think once you get that "sign post" into the script, readers will respond well to it.

Hope this helps.
Looking forward to continuing the read.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Ron,

I'm going to pick up the read from page 25 this morning.

P. 32  Make a dialogue cut here.
         Whatever you’re hiding. I’m going
          to start there, you know. Maybe it’s that kid.
         I recommend ending after "start there".
         Then cut to Matt doing his thing. The cut says it all for you, IMO.

P. 42  Matt accepting the mission. This scene should feel like a victory.
         But because the set up for Matt is weak, this reads flat to me.
         I gather your new scenes will help buoy the second act better.

Does Matt discovering the cards have a "Fantasia/Sorcerer's Apprentice" feel?
It's how I see it in my mind right now, and my mind's eye is smiling. Mull it over.

P. 43  Typo. The ground splits between Matt’s feet,
         revealing roiling lava underneath.
         Not sure if you mean, "Broiling, rolling or boiling" here.
         I think "roiling" basically means, stirred up.

P. 45  The battle. Have we seen Matt playing video games earlier?
         If not, if would make his prowess here feel much less left fieldish, IMO.
         And he should fail playing said video game in act one.
         I used something like that in Zombie Playground.
         And no one questions the whacky zombie capture plan thanks to that!

P. 48  Rax's line. You’re not important enough to lie to.
         I dig it.

I'm stopping on page 52 this morning, work beckons.
Rachel's reveal would work better if she didn't talk about Rax's magic cards.
Consider having her pull them out and use one in a not so nice way.
The visceral shock to Matt should provide a nice turn for the reader.
As it reads, it seems a bit out of place.
Perhaps a beat earlier with Rax coming to Rachel as she mourns her relationship.
Young. Angry. Vulnerable. I could see that as a clear motivator for Rachel.

I'll pick this up over the weekend when I can.
There's an animation Expo and colleagues in town.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Your story intro is good, really good. However it could change depending upon how the outcome goes for god. God is the protagonist for this story but gets lost in the "funny." What you have is the Oh God, or Jim Carry type story where a man gets God powers but in your case it is God, the real McCoy. That is what is the same but different. So the game changes. It's not a lottery ticket. God is real. We all have an idea of God, mostly that we'd like this guy to be our dad and would we really like our Dad to be a stoner? Jesus stooped down before the adulteress and as those that would stone her departed after Jesus said those without sin cast the first stone, He drew in the sand and said go your way and sin no more. What you will find is that your audience will connect with a character of God like that. I don't want my dad being a stoner because that is irresponsible. So the challenge is to shape your God character. Can he lose his way because of getting fired? Yes. But core character is core character. Integrity. He is above Presidents and interns, right? Jesus hung with sinners, so God in your story hanging with sinners is good. But does he go all the way down? You tread a fine line but it's a great challenge because this has really good potential. Once you figure out God, then his little braniac earth buddy will fall in place.

Hey Ron

Read up to p 53, will finish later. Have not read other posts, so sorry if I am repeating stuff.

I began reading this last night, and was pleased with the combination of the writing and the dialogue, which was airy and had a nice flow to it, making this an easy read. It's critical to grab the interest of the reader in the first 10 or 20 pages, and you succeeded.

I would say that my interested started to fall a little after that. Let me go back to my notes and see if I can figure out why. And it's not that things suddenly became poorly written or anything, not at all. I just felt my interest starting to wane.

My first note is regarding the protagonist. Is it God? I thought it was, but now I'm not sure. Things are shifting toward Matt. We can have more than one story arc here, I'm just wondering where the center of gravity is and who I'm rooting for.

If it is God, then Rax becomes even more key then you are using her. Obviously she is the antagonist, but she's more than that if God is the protag. Her relationship to God becomes critical then. You should consider more conflict between them. Thin line between love and hate, so we should really feel the hate that love spawned, and maybe a hint of the remaining love. She's taking this job of destroying Earth because she loves destruction, but more importantly because of her hatred of God. We need to feel that, maybe get a sense of what went wrong.

P. 10 At the end of that Rax scene, her comment after giving the kids porn and cigarettes is prime real estate. Make sure that line does everything you want it to, gives us a taste of what fuels her relationship with God.

I will add that it struck me as strange that she would bother to cause this kind of low level mayhem when she's about to destroy the world with a meteor or something. But this might make more sense if it is really fueled by her hatred of God, her ex.

note p. 12 that scene where God slips Matt a spiked drink was creepy in a Michael Jackson kind of way.

I like the God as stoner...a lot!!  But there has to be a better way of introducing that. First of all, it probably should be hinted at better earlier. We do have the opening image off the elevator, but we need more.

p 19 God is clearly not all powerful. Maybe mighty is better adjective.

p 30 the rebel village scene: again, I don't see the point of this stuff, since she's gonna destroy the world. These scenes should be connected more directly to God. for example, if she wants to play with God before destroying the world, why not mess with his life, like at the HS, or in his neighborhood.

p 31 Rex has nightmares about humans causing destruction in the universe? She is Rex the Destroyer! That should give her wet dreams, not nightmares. Maybe use that.

Ok, I hate the 'cliche police'. But we all have things that we find so cliche they can be annoying. Gonna have to write a ticket here on p 47.

Rax: "You want to know the worst part? The only thing you have going for you as a species is your giant brain. You barely use two percent of it of course. And the only thing you use it for is to invent new ways of killing each other."

Ok, this also came after the film showing Hitler and Hiroshima. Come on. This is so played out in Hollywood. Man is bad, man is wasted potential. Please, stop. No more of that stuff. Plus, should this be said by Rex the Destroyer? She's supposed to like destruction? In fact, she already expressed admiration for Hitler.

I'm just really tired of these morality tales where mankind deserves to be destroyed because of hatred and violence and destroying the environment, because humans won't change their ways. I see that on TV and my blood pressure shoots up if I can't find the remote. That was fine in the 50s sci fi era, but it's been done and done.

Also, this two percent brain thing: not true. Look it up. Sad to say, we do in fact use our whole brain. It's one of those myths.
----------------------------------------

Ok, that's it for now. Ron, I like your writing. You're a talented guy, and I'm glad to have found your story. I hope some of those notes helped in some way. We'll see how the rest of the story plays out, but I think this story can be improved with rewrites, a little more focus, maybe getting into character some more.


Oh, I was wondering: why Matt? God can save one person, why him? Also, it was odd that God hit on his mom, but that actually could be cool. The idea of God hitting on and being rejected by a MILF is filled with comic potential. Why is God, who won't grow up, attracted to an older woman? Why does she reject him? This could be good stuff. Maybe there'll be more on that in the second half of the script.

Hey Ron,

I just wanted to let you know, I've read a few pages of this and really like what you've got going on with it.

I'm in the middle of Brett's script right now but right after i'm done with it, I want to give this a read and review. Just bear with me my friend.

I'm slow at this.

Shawn.....><

Dear Mr. Martini,

Thank you so much for your in depth coverage of G.G.F.   Your comments were insightful and forthright.

As to your first point, which is essentially that Matt hasn’t really learned anything in order to take on Rax, let alone defeat her, I respond thusly.

Guilty as charged.  Couple of points, though.  The idea that God would train this kid to act in his stead started to seem like a cool jumping off point.  As if, for some reason, God was unable to do this on his own.  Or perhaps he has an ulterior motive for allowing Matt to make war on Rax.  

In my initial ruminations on the story, the idea was that God would train Matt and Rax would secretly train Rachel and they would face off sort of like proxies.  Later, I thought it would be better for the main characters to be fighting and their acolytes to be like assistants or corner-men or whatever.  That way the main characters are driving the action.  Matt was only really useful for his willingness to insist that God must DO SOMETHING.  Fighting for the survival of the planet!  Later on I decided that was hopelessly cliché.  Plus, by then I had this other idea that God was really just using us to get his wife back which seemed like a much more unique and fun concept.  

Then I thought, maybe I could use a hybrid of the two.  Maybe the audience sees God setting up Matt and they think, “Okay, it’s like the Karate Kid.  I get it.”  But then their assumptions are tossed out as they realize they are watching a much more multi-layered story.  And since it wasn’t the central point of the story, I figured I didn’t need (all those) training scenes.  I kept thinking of the episode of “South Park” where Stan learns to ski.  They sang, “You need an 80’s style montage!”  Hilarious.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

So, instead, I end up in the situation you complain about, which is essentially:  “Hey, how did we get here so fast?  How did this kid learn any of this stuff?  I didn’t see him learn anything, therefore, I’m not invested, so I really don’t care.”  This is a valid point.  I can’t employ half measures.  God can’t trick Rax, Matt, and the audience.  Somebody has to be in on the joke.  The F.B.I. director throws Clarice Starling at Hannibal Lecter even though she is woefully under-trained…but we’re in on it from the beginning.  We know the guy is playing for information…playing for time.  And it is fascinating watching Lecter react to this novel interrogation.  

You also write me a pretty long paragraph about, “the rules.”  You are right again monsignor.  Again, I remember when I thought of God getting shot by Fogg, that it would be kind of a cool little action sequence leading to a will he or won’t he survive kind of moment.  I’m thinking of just band-aiding it.  Can’t Rax ask him some question like, “How is this even possible?”  Or “You should have easily been able to protect yourself.  What happened?”  Or something like that would effectively address the audience’s questions I think.  

This segment goes to theme which you also address with me.  I thought your exact phrasing was kind of funny.  Here it is:   “God's real reason for giving mankind flaws is to get Rax back? How does that work? That kind of sucks, really, don't you think. I mean, it works for love's sake with God and Rax, but, really? We become throwaways don't we?”

Sorry, but yes.  We are throw-aways.  We are bait.  Better make the best of it and cut back on the clorox in your stemware.  Until…

Yes, until, the end.  I think I need to work a little harder to make this point clearer but God has sort of thrown his lot in with us.  We’re ‘infused’ with his energy, and he with ours.  We are symbiotic.  We’re one.  He’s blown his load on us.  You can’t destroy one without destroying the other.  I think the only line in the script that goes to this idea is, GOD:  “It was the only way I could make it work.”  And he’s sort of broken the rules to do it.  He’s not supposed (or allowed) to take this step without permission.  

So, in effect, we are special.  (This is what the audience wants to hear, after all.)  If not for the reasons we presume, yet we are still special.  So that is a kind of redemptive happy ending, imo.  

You noted a couple of areas of the script that worked for you, and I am in complete agreement.  God ultimately wanting Rax back is indeed the best element.  I was proud of myself for thinking of it.  (In the first iterations it was his sister.  Sister!  What an idiot I am.)  

Anyway, my idea was for the plot to emerge as a series of surprise reveals for the audience.  God is revealing things to Matt not as an accident but as part of a larger plan.  Surprise!  That’s why he seems like such a slacker.  He doesn’t want Matt to know.  Matt’s girlfriend is on a similar path with Rax except we don’t really see it.  Surprise!  Then the final reveal.  The big kahuna.  God doesn’t want to go to war with Rax and defeat her.  No.  He wants to get back together with her!  Surprise!  Dude, even my wife was impressed when I told her that.  And she hates everything.  

So, at that point I knew I was onto something big.  As you pointed out, Rax finding the house, and finding the books is the beating heart.  My personal favorite scene.  Imagine the visuals!   So effing cool.  I think if I just sort of reverse engineer it from that point it would be stronger.  

Anyway, thank you so much for the comprehensive read.   In explaining it to you I’m actually explaining it to myself which is the most valuable aspect of feedback one can imagine.  

Ron

Ron,

Apologies for the delay in continuing your script.
I should get back on it tomorrow.
I have a round of Killer on my plate today.
Looking forward to diving back into your script.

Cheers,
E.D.

Hey Ron, I have to get back to the second half soon, but I actually just had a thought regarding your story. I hope you welcome that kind of thing, not everyone here does.

I mentioned to you that I thought it would really help if you get into why God's a stoner trying to avoid growing up, with a crush on an older woman. Some random thoughts: from the opening sequence, we gather that there are other worlds with other gods assigned to them, gods who do things each in their own way. Why not visit one? Then we can get a sense of how "our" God is different, maybe why he is who he is. We might get a sense of why he's a f@ck up, but at the same time find him that much more appealing and sympathetic.

For example, we visit a world where Dog is the god, and he's very much the opposite of our God. In fact, maybe he has been assigned to come in an clean up God's mess here, and that's why God visits him, to see what's going on there.

At first, Dog's world is the vision of perfection. God has always been annoyed by Dog, who is like an accountant on steroids; anal, particular, a perfectionist. He created his world in 6 days; no resting tolerated. He dresses just so, every hair on his head perfect. His world is perfect order. There is no pain, no suffering, no sin. Everything runs like a well oiled clock.

But the longer God sticks around to check out this world(with Matt), the more odd he finds it. There's no pain or suffering, but there is no love. There's no sin, but there's no heroism, no altruism, no self sacrifice, no noble virtues. And it is dull, dull, dull! Nothing changes, ever. All Dog's worlds look the same, and are the same for eternity.

Also, Dog lives in a castle above his world. God lives IN his world. He shares the joy and the suffering. Part of the reason he's a stoner is he needs to tune out, forget his responsibility. It's not a conscious choice in his part. God has a subconscious mind too. Get him on the couch! Have him analyzed. Would be a great scene. We discover that his being a stoner is a means of escape, not from what he knows, or from the world, but from who he is, what he has done.

This kind of thing really rings true with our mythology, Christian, Hindu, others. The idea of God becoming man, joining us, experiencing the physical world.

I think if you went from this angle, you could position Rax in a way that would work well for conflict, comedy, and resolution. Rax and Dog would each serve to reveal a different aspect of God. So Rax has to stand somewhere apart from both Dog and Rax. Dog is logical, dull, mechanical. God is not those things. And neither is Rax. That's why she first fell for God. She is emotional, but her subconscious has channeled her reaction to "life" differently than God. God withdraws, becomes a stoner. Rax engages, becomes the destroyer. But they are both just reacting to the pain they acutely feel. Dog feels no pain.

You could get Rax on the couch too. Couples counseling? No, maybe not that. But get her on the couch.

Ok, take that idea out for a spin, let me know what you think.

Hey Ron,

Finally picking up from page 52 this morning.
I revisited my earlier notes to pick up the metaphorical scent.

P. 56  I had a hard time swallowing Fogg's motive for the shooting.
         How did he know God was the one to attack? It's unclear to me.

P. 63  Felt the Rax/God scene didn't amount to much.
         Sure, there were fireworks, but it didn't progress the story.
         I thought you were setting up God there to sacrifice himself.
         If Rax is going to destroy Earth, she'd have to kill him too.
         That would demonstrate God's belief in humanity to Rax.
         So God disrupts her powers, so she has probable cause to kill him.
         That emotional stake raising is where I thought you were going there.

P. 66  Matt and Lisa's scene. It's pretty long at three pages.
         I don't think I got what I was supposed to get from that exchange.
         Felt more like a summation than story progression.
         Was Lisa's dream mentioned before? I don't recall.

P. 70  I'm unsure why Rax pursued finding God's home on her own.
         God left her alone, she can do whatever she wants.
         And she talks like he's there, but he isn't. I think I missed something.

Stopping at page 70 this morning.
I'll probably finish this up after Turkey Coma Day.

The story doesn't move forward much between pages 55 - 70.
This is typically the area where most scripts are padded.
Though I like the reveal of the red X's in the compendium.

"Sean" and Lisa have got no game in the script.
I'd like to know more about why God would date her.
Was it just to get to Matt? Maybe you touched on this earlier and I don't recall.

Rax seems to be whatever the scene calls for her to be.
Sure, I get she's a somewhat menopausal apocalyptic bully.
But she speedily vacillates from tyrant to wounded wife a little too easily.
I like the tone of the banter, but a little more relationship stuff would help.

Hope all this help. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Regards,
E.D.

I pm'd some thoughts the summation of which is the love story. I also addressed something that would help us poor creatures in God's seeming lack of judgement by breaking out the bong. You are right in staying away from cliches so you have to trick us into them. I think you can do it here. There is a sense of witwicky and all spark going on. Also the sorcerer's apprentice. BUT that love story. Read the pm. You're smart in being smart about this.

Hey, Ron, finished a second a ago. Here's some quick response and thoughts, I may come up with more after I let things stew in my mind.

Some bullet points:
1) the early part of this script demonstrates a deftness with dialogue, and with creating characters and scenes that draw us into the story. No easy task for any writer.
2) your characters are likable, but they don't reach their potential because they are sometimes inconsistent. I believe this is due to the fact that the relationship between the characters was never structured clearly or, more important, purposely. When you get a better sense of your protag's story and your theme, you will have the opportunity to smooth out these issues.
3) if this was listed under comedy, I have to say, there were not a lot of laughs. Hard to judge a comedy script on that. Sometimes you need to create the vehicle for comedy and let the actors do the rest, and maybe that's what you've achieved here.
4) this story is Ambitious...with a capital A...even if it is a comedy. You're playing with a host of concepts that are creative and bold, but way out there: gods assigned to worlds, worlds created using formulas, a ruling council of gods, creation of life forms, the limited powers of "God"(struggled against meteor), etc. Obviously you're trying to lean more towards comedy in this then towards making deep philosophical speculations or points about reality, but still, this kind of script would require a lot of attention and development from even the most veteran of hands. Since you probably don't have the time to make it some kind of deep intellectual piece, you definitely want to emphasize the zany.
5) the jealousy with Quentin is introduced late. We go from having to convince Rax to not destroy the world, to having to convince the jealous administrator of the universe. Also, Rax was convinced kind of easy. I understand that deep down she wanted to be convinced because she still loved God, but still, she's got some anger and baggage to peel through, and we should see more of that peeling.
6) one of the premises, we figure out, is that God created an imperfect world so that the council will send Rax to destroy it. What, the gods don't have cell phones? They can't call each other? That God is pining for his ex might make him sympathetic, which is good. But that he purposely created imperfect beings(us) in the hopes she would be sent to destroy us...doesn't have me rooting for him. Man, my hair is thinning because God wanted Rax back? Also, while we're on the topic of imperfection(and other than that I'm perfect!), what really is our imperfection? I never understood it. Something about our not being emotional enough. Really? Are lions and tigers and bears more emotional than us? How about clams? This part, which is critical, does not work at the moment, IMO.

It's worth repeating a couple of things for emphasis. This is ambitious. Worth pursuing, absolutely. IMO, it's gonna take at least one major rewrite from scratch, along with the usual polishing up the a$$. But, that's writing! You did a fantastic job pulling me in. I'm not sure where you started to lose me, but I would say about a quarter the way in. And you didn't totally lose me. I think the issues were with the inconsistent characters(especially Rax) and some other plot and structure stuff. I'd love if you would consider my suggestion in my previous post, or something like that. I'm gonna read other peoples posts after I hit reply, so I may add an edit at the end. The Rax/God dynamic and the stoner God who has been assigned to our world is ripe with potential. Your skill with dialogue means you can pull it off. And I think if you structure things a little more clearly, you'll find more opportunities for humor.

Think of it this way: God is the protag. All these other people have to be set up in some way that conflicts with him. In this way, we reveal God, what makes him tick. I love the idea of meeting a different style god(I called him Dog as a joke), a god that's more anal, not like our free spirited deity.

I would like to see more of God in his element: in his high school class teaching, hanging out with hippies protesting other people's success, touting crazy conspiracy theories, being forgetful, getting the munchies, tripping out. Maybe God should play an instrument. This might really open up some more comedy. Also, you have Matt getting frustrated with God. Good! We need more of that. Everyone should be frustrated with God.

Ron, got a lot of talent, glad to have you here in the forum. I hope something in this mess of thoughts helps a little.

Kevin

Read through the comments and posts:
1) I agree with Clorox, Max vs Rax is troublesome in concept, unless she's letting him do it to toy with God, AND, God doesn't know about it.
2) also agree with Clorox about God getting shot. I'd be OK with God being strangely afraid in a gun fight, but I'm not so sure about his getting shot
3)also like clorox, I found the apprentice stuff kind of unconvincing; if you're gonna go that route, it needs to be carefully developed. Will Matt and Rachel become gods, as seems to be the suggestion, and if so, does that tell us anything about God's history and development. Food for thought. I think they apprentice concept can work here. Has to be cleaned up so it's more believable. Doable.
4) I just read your points, Ron. May address some of the things I mentioned.

Hey Ron,

What a long strange holiday weekend it's been, and it's only Saturday!

I've never taken this long to get through a script before, my bad.
Picking up from page 70 this morning.

P. 73  Rax and God in the strip joint.
         I feel like this scene should be more poignant.
         Want to care that God has lost faith, instead it feels like a pity party.
         And God not caring about the manager being murdered, came off creepy, IMO.

P. 75  Heaping helping of plot exposition delivered here.
         The Quentin love affair needs to be established earlier and nurtured.
         If Quentin is our true villain, we need to see his jealousy early on.
         I like the idea of God's character flaw is being a bit of sap when it comes to love.

P. 83  Who is Archibald? A lackey? I forgot.

Finished. Overall, this is a pretty solid read. Nice flow all the way through.
But God came off as a jerk to me, due to the Lisa subplot.
They never seem like a couple, but God comes off douchey for dating her.
He's obviously still into Rax, but he pounds Matt's mom. Ouch.
I honestly thought it was going to be a dramatic conflict between Matt and God.
You certainly set that up, but it doesn't come together.

Either pay off that conflict and make Lisa a bigger player or lose it all together.
As written, it's only hurting the script, since it doesn't get resolved.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.