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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Truth Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 22nd, 2011, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Truth by Scott O (dr. brain laser) - Comedy, Surreal - A strange journey into the realm of ex-girlfriends, thesis projects, foxes and coffee shops.  85 pages - pdf, format


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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 23rd, 2011, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Scott,

“A strange journey into the realm of ex-girlfriends, thesis projects, foxes and coffee shops” the logline is strange.

You have no fade in and your first three paragraphs are way too long. James swears a lot IMO, no need for all that cursing. WTF! What’s just happened on page 4, he blows the car up? Where did that come from?

A paragraph on page 4 is 10 lines and this is just too long, you need to cut these down.

I have read to page 20 and this reminds me of American pie, it’s just more rude and crude and has no story sorry to say.

I don’t mind swearing, in fact I always get in trouble with my partner for swearing too much but I think you have overdone it in this script and it isn’t needed IMO. It’s like you couldn’t find a better word so why not throw in a swear word.

I found this hard to follow and the long paragraphs were a real turn off. Read some scripts and try to cut down on using swear words so much.

Good luck and keep writing.

Merry Christmas

Steve
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