SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:18pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  TBX: The Black Experience Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    TBX: The Black Experience  (currently 1299 views)
Don
Posted: December 24th, 2011, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
TBX: The Black Xperience by AJ Moses (captNaj) - Comedy - For generations, a question has periodically intrigued people in all walks of life: what is it like to be black in America? Find out firsthand in this immersive and subversive film. Piercingly poignant, unflinchingly truthful and uproariously funny, the most marked character development in the movie may be your own. - html, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
bert
Posted: December 24th, 2011, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
The logline drew my attention.

The idea here is actually compelling, and the approach novel.

This COULD be really good, and really funny, but the execution misses the mark.

Your narrator is ruining this piece, and I quickly grew weary of him -- and scrolling through the script I found that he just drones on and on and on and on and never stops.

My advice is let your narrator set things up, but then kick him to the curb and let the story play out without him.  This would be improved 500%.

Set things up so the viewer can draw their own conclusions without the narrator spoon-feeding everything to them.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006