Arpeggio by Vincent Chin (vincentchin8 - Comedy, Romance - An aspiring musician and his old college buddy cross path in an airport and decides to help each other break-up with their girlfriends back home. 97 pages - pdf, format

Hi - I'm not sure you first slug is correct - it should be a location, not the colour we see on the screen??

I'm also not entirely convinced by you use of CAPS:

# A ladle of sauce is deftly SPREAD CIRCULARLY on the dough.

-- Far as I know CAPS are generally used for sound, and sometimes for impact.

Your 'conductors baton' simile misses the mark for me - but then I guess this depends on how you're visualising it.

A quick one on your character descriptions - Roy is described by his clothes - it leaves his face a little blank in my head - it may be better to go for something that will sum Roy up in our heads.

# Wished we had more time to talked
things out.
-- should be 'talk'.

Dialogue seems to be okay - quite snappy in places.

I haven't read too far into this - but I'm not sure why we have started in a pizza place - also, the way Roy leaves all seems a little bit odd. I half thought you'd start at the airport, or maybe give an early hint of the g\f problems etc. The actual meeting of the two guys is very 'boof!' - it just happens - there's no leading element and no 'drama' to the scene - it's just 'oh hi Kev' job done.

Does have potential I guess - but needs jazzing-up a little.

Simon

Thanks Simon. Appreciate your feedback and will do the needful.

Regards,
Vincent,

Yeah your 1st slug should the be location (Resturant) then use insert(s) for the dough and oven.

Thanks Ottercat for your time in looking at it. Will do an edit on the script.

Appreciate your feedback.

Regards,
Vincent