Newbie here, just joined today. This is the first script I've read so I am just pointing out a few things that jumped out at me. As I have never actually completed a script and have just very recently starting reading about proper ways to write and format (Snyder, Fields), you have my permission to take what I say with the smallest grain of salt you can possibly find. That being said:

SPOILER ALERT!!

Pg. 26: Rebrov causes Abdul to reflex-fire and shoot Imran, killing him.

Pg.27: Gun slips from Donna's hand causing it to fire, bullet ricochets and strikes Rebrov, killing him.

Pg. 42: Bastard fires at Floyd, the bullet grazes Floyd's forehead before ricocheting and striking Bastard, killing him.

So far there have been three people killed by virtual happenstance while the one person (Bastard) who was actually aiming at someone barely grazes him. I'm not really sure I'm buying all of these happy accidents.

Pg.66: I really think that Pig needs a name simply because the reporter only referred to him as "Officer" and not "Officer So & So". The news usually have their crap together before airing a piece like that. Also, by that time most hospitals will have released a statement on the condition of the officer such as stable, fair, serious or guarded. One last thing, I don't think that the reporter would have simply identified them as "Donny and Floyd". I'm sure their last names would have been used as well.

(Jumping around a bit. Sorry)
Pg. 52: When Donna was contemplating suicide, I can't imagine that she would do it in the Nova with Floyd sleeping right beside her. Maybe she would sneak off behind a building and spare Floyd the trouble of having to detail the inside of the car. Lol. But seriously, maybe show her behind the building struggling with her decision. Perhaps even then putting the barrel in her mouth and closing her eyes for impact before deciding to fight on. It was also very convenient for Floyd to wake up at precisely that moment in time.

Pg. 59: Another reflex-fire that conveniently hits a target that helps D & F get away. BTW, Donna must be an AMAZING looking tranny as Bastard, Pig and the Hotelier all tried to force sex on her. Lol.

Not sure of the page number but I thought it was an amazing coincidence that the same style of old Nova that they had stolen at 16 was for sale right there in that area. But I guess I could accept it. Just saying.

Also, when they purchased the Nova, I'm guessing they didn't register it. Otherwise they would have a license plate on record with their names that could be traced to the car. Actually, The DMV probably would have caught it if they had tried to register it since they are a government agency. So did the car have no plate? That's a HUGE red flag for the police. Not sure how things are done in the U.K. but the seller removes his old plate when he sells a car.

Pg. 81: Not to be picky but "tries to prise his hands away." Shouldn't it be "pry"? Maybe its a British thing. Lol.

Pg. 85: Floyd smashes Hotelier wife's cell phone yet she pulls out a second one. I thought only celebrities and cheating spouses had multiple cells. Lol. Besides, wouldn't the hotel have land lines?

Pg. 85: The wife calls the police after Floyd runs out, then by the time Floyd pulls the car out of the lot he can hear sirens in the distance. She must've told them she had doughnuts.

Okay, that's my $0.02. Very Thelma & Louise-ey. At one point you even had a T&L dvd play when Donna thought she had the tapes from the camera at the drug dealer's place. So you obviously see the similarities for yourself. I'm guessing you were going for that sort of thing. I honestly didn't find any humor in this at all. That's not a BAD thing since senses of humor vary greatly from person to person. I would peg this as a drama, but what do I know?

I kind of felt myself feeling for Floyd but Donna, for some reason, reminded me of Roger the alien from "American Dad". I'm not sure if you will get that reference. Maybe it was the drugs and cross-dressing. And that was just me as I was reading it.

Anyway, this was a great way to spend a snowy and sleepless night. I will continue to read and respond and hopefully build up enough good will with you guys so that when I actually do finish and post a script you guys will waste no time tearing me apart. Lol.

I'm sorry, I just noticed that I only posted things that I had trouble with but nothing positive. As I stated before, I am a newbie, my apologies. I am writing this in a "man on the street" type way saying nothing of character development or Acts 1 and 2, etc. (I do this because I am not yet well versed in such matters but I hope that will soon change).

SPOILER ALERT!

I felt that Floyd was deep down a great guy that, for whatever reason, life had rained crap all over. I kept wondering why he was in prison and when it was reveled it was very touching. I kinda saw him as the big guy (Coffee?) in The Green Mile. Very large, powerful and kind but somewhat slow witted.

As far as the actual writing goes it was very fluid in my opinion. It wasn't choppy or filled with grammatical errors or misspellings. A very easy read.

The scene in the drug dealer's place was very interesting, especially with the brunette being offered around like a cup of tea.

I like the old Nova. A friend had a '72 back in the mid 80's. Beautiful car.

The way that Donna would not turn on Floyd even though she could go scott-free was a nice touch. It really showed the type of close relationship they had with each other.

Also, the fact that Donna was gay and a cross dresser made no difference to Floyd, another nice touch.

For my first full read script I could've picked a whole lot worse. Keep it up. (That's what she said). Sorry.

Apologies for missing this review. I'm a thriller/drama writer trying to write comedy. So I had a go at Dramedy. First draft was full of slapstick type humour that I went off on the second draft and stripped it all out entirely. Indeed I actually stripped the first 45 pages of the first draft. I also played the cops straight, when they weren't before.

I'm trying to write commercially viable scripts and don't want to waste my time on ideas that aren't going to work. I have over 30 ideas pinned to my storyboard... I may come back to this script in a year or so, or maybe sooner. Right now I have too many ideas that may work to work on. I appreciate honesty.

Thanks for the positives, but I'm only concerned with the negatives... you shouldn't feel bad. The negatives are all that count. Even one is one too many... and could perhaps be rectified, but like I said, this script needs to stand out for some reason, and I don't feel this one does. I haven't given up on dramedy as I still have a couple of ideas... I suppose I just have to get in the mood for it.

Thanks for the review. I'll be happy to return it... and I have no qualms in being blunt, if you can take it. If I feel that the script is good, I will tell you so. Blunt works both ways.

I read the first twenty pages of Donny and Floyd. The story is about a transgender character reunited with her childhood friend Floyd, who has just been released from prison. Overall, it’s fairly well written, particularly in the area of narrative. However, at times, there is a little too much of it. The dialogue is minimal and nothing above average. Though I’m sure transgender individuals meet with their fair share of indifference and prejudice in London society, the early scenes are a little heavy handed in the depiction of society’s disdain for them. I think if the writer dialed it back a bit it would be more believable. Also, the whistleblower character needs to have better dialogue and the gang banger’s dialogue was also a bit stiff and clichéd. A little slow overall but good idea for a story.  

Quoted from PhillipH I read the first twenty pages of Donny and Floyd. The story is about a transgender character reunited with her childhood friend Floyd, who has just been released from prison. Overall, it’s fairly well written, particularly in the area of narrative. However, at times, there is a little too much of it. The dialogue is minimal and nothing above average. Though I’m sure transgender individuals meet with their fair share of indifference and prejudice in London society, the early scenes are a little heavy handed in the depiction of society’s disdain for them. I think if the writer dialed it back a bit it would be more believable. Also, the whistleblower character needs to have better dialogue and the gang banger’s dialogue was also a bit stiff and clichéd. A little slow overall but good idea for a story.

Thanks... but for me, this is an old script. I've written at least seven features since. This is one of those scripts that I resigned to the 'can't be bothered finishing' pile.

Dustin:

It's good that you're prolific. a lot of writers flog the same damn script for too long. And, you can definitely write well. You're particularly strong in narrative. That's a great skill to have. It looks like you bang them out though. How long does it normally take you for a first draft?

For a viable first draft it can take me from 7 days to 2 months depending how complicated the plot is. I wrote A Slave's Tale in 3-4 weeks and that did well in the comps, finishing as a finalist in the BBC Writer's Room and Semi Finalist with Shore Scripts. I wrote Swings n Roundabouts (very simple A to C horror) in 7 days. I wrote Out with the Old (a simple cockney crime flick) in 8 days. Then again, I spent at least four months writing Adm & Eiv and still couldn't find the right story for the concept. Although I believe I have now cracked it and will be coming back to it as soon as I've finished with the other ideas at the forefront of my mind.

I've just finished another feature that I'll be pitching to Carson and his 250 thing. That's taken me three weeks to get to a 'viable' first draft. Viability comes when there aren't any plot holes and the story runs smooth. There may be things a producer would want to change, maybe even demand a complete rewrite with a fresh tone placed on the story, but then, no matter what I write, that is always a possibility. So once I get it to viable stage, if I can't find anybody interested in making it, then I move onto the next story and forget about it.

I have lots of stories I want to write. So little time.

I spent over twenty years procrastinating. I suppose this is just me trying to catch up.