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still haven't read them yet, huh. cool. well, I've read three so far. told the writer what I thought of them and went on to something else. You guys though... really...
ok, it is now 7:00am and you all have had a lot of fun spitting on me. Meanwhile, while writing letters, doing my normal day's tasks and a couple of extra things, I happened to have found time to read two other screenplays. One I thought was a little off, I mean not for formatting problems, I could READ IT you know because it was in English and everything, and the other I thought had a little too much style and not a think enough texture or substance to be really interesting. It was smooth reading, but there was not really anything to think about. But I guess in regards to yesterday, what was interesting was that I seem to have found, I don't know what the number is, it seems like 8 or 9 cannibals out there who have nothing better to do than to defend the 'biz' against potential infiltration by... I have no words here... just a minute...stupid, innocent, fairy-tale believing, empty-hearted, style-less hacks, you know, like me and, you know, like themselves. So, I went to sleep and the word I was thinking of before just I slept soundly and peacefully was jealous. I am not saying you are jealous of me, I am saying you are blatantly and godlessly (because it is one of the commandments you know) covetous and seem to have no other way of dealing with the world. What I want to say today is that yesterday, to me, was like a lesson showing my why the world is as bad as it is. I see yesterday as if I started the day going down to the river for a little quiet fishing. I was thinking �ok, here is a place to hang out for a while, drink a beer, listen to some tunes, and hey, if I catch a fish, so much the better�. I am not a professional fisherman. Some people are professional fisherman and I am grateful for their existences because, you know, I like fish. But I like fishing and thought that hanging out at the river would be kind of fun. And let me add that I have caught fish and have had fun fishing for a long time. And that fishing has been part of my life for � uh.. several years and in a way, I teach some aspects of fishing rather successfully to others and this teaching has actually had an enormously beneficial effect on those who I have taught to fish. But I digress� I get down to the river, this is in LA by the way, and immediately people start yelling at me over the color of my shirt. �I like this shirt. It is a very comfortable shirt� I say, but without pause for breath, they begin to tell me all of their own opinions and thoughts and fears and �wisdom�. They yell this to me endlessly. However, I refused to agree to change my shirt to suit the needs of people I will 99% surely never have any meaningful relationships with and this made them really mad. Then they told me that by arguing with them, I had embarrassed myself socially in their teeming, successful, laced with roses and joyous utopian society. But I told them that really, I don�t care for the simple reason that I do not believe they are a part of any teeming, successful, laced with roses and joyous utopian society. And in fact, I see them as a bunch of stupid, innocent, fairy-tale believing, empty-hearted, style-less, LONELY AND COVETOUS hacks themselves. And finally, they started to talk about how I am only seeking ego gratification by sitting at the river and fishing and nothing more. So, I tell them that positioning themselves as parental figures, freely and piously offering their �tough love� and begrudgingly free advice is really more of a personal ego stroke for themselves. They are who they are assaulting. they are not in any way on my side and really, are just a bunch of lonely, lazy losers who have nothing better to do. Just like me? Maybe. Just like everybody? Maybe. So my thought today is about why they were yelling at me so much. And I came up with the thought that they were not actually even talking to me, they were talking to hear themselves talk. Why did they do this? For the same reason I do it: because we admire the sound and texture of our own words. The words they were screaming were making them feel more real and solid and sure of themselves. They were giving themselves the validation that they needed. It was, rapturously self-gratifying to be able to use their words. And as they continued telling me how I will never catch a fish, that only they know so much about the waters and how to catch fish, what they were really saying was that Hemingway�s �Old man and the Sea�, in its own metaphoric way, was right. All of our lives are spent fishing and dreaming of catching the great fish that will change our lives, but in the end, it is indeed hopeless. So how do I rate yesterday? I don�t know why, but I think I just consider it to have been an interesting day. Some other wanna be writers started yelling at me and I decided to argue with them. Why is that a bad way to spend a day? So, my plan today is to try and spend some of my free time reading some more of the scripts here on the page along with me and giving my opinion of what I thought about the works that these people have put together. And, of course, to talk to people who might want to talk to me about Paradise and Happiness, two fine pieces of writing. I think this should make this a pleasant day. Oh, and just two more things. I have a job that I like very much and which pays the bills surprisingly well while also allowing me enough free time. And finally, I�m originally from San Francisco and I hate LA.
H. F. S.
You know... , if you had put this much mental and physical effort into just conforming your first few pages into spec screenplay format you'd have something like:
Code
Happiness
By
Adam Goodman
Copyright 2014
INT. BEDROOM - DAWN
Illuminated by TV light a couple, ADAM, 30, black and fit, and MARGARITA, 25,
white and tattooed, lay tangled in their bed covers.
The comfortable peace between them is broken by the image and blaring national
anthem of Belarus.
T.V. ANNOUNCER
We, Belorussians, are a peaceful
people wholeheartedly devoted
to our motherland. We are
faithful friends growing up and
living in a hard working and
independent family...
As the proclamations continue ignored the couple awake eye to eye. His expression
is one of love and promise. Her expression is blank. When his happiness dissipates
she gets out of bed, he watches her walk away.
SUPER: Spring 2010
INT. UNIVERSITY DANCE THEATER - DAY
EVA, 40, the body of a muscled child, tangos with an attractive young man. He dips
her and laughs, Eva smiles in delight.
INT. UNIVERSITY LECTURE HALL - DAY
While his classmates slumber, FARES, 20, disheveled student, pens an attentive
transcript of the political science professor droning on at the classroom's huge
board.
INT. UNIVERSITY DORM ROOM - DAY
KOLIA, 20, student in label only, tosses playing card after card into an overturned
hat in a chair at the foot of his bed. Well practiced.
EXT. UNIVERSITY COFFEE SHOP - DAY
ALEX, 20, today's hipster, turns from the street sidewalk into the coffee shop.
INT. UNIVERSITY THEATER - DAY
Dressed as Constatine Treplieff, MAX, 30, tall and muscled, performs the final
scene of Checkov's The Seagull. He looks with ardor at NINA, 30, bunned and lithe,
emoting about the theater's stage.
NINA
I am a seagull. No, no.
That is not what I meant
to say. Do you remember
how you shot a seagull once?
A man chanced to pass that
way and destroyed it out of
idleness. That is an idea
for a short story, but it is
not what I meant to say.
She passes her hand across her forehead.
NINA
What was I saying? Oh, yes,
the stage.
EXT. MINSK CITY STREET - DAY
Margarita exits the apartment building, pack in hand and another slung over her
shoulder, checks traffic, then walks away down the sidewalk.
NINA (V.O.)
I have changed now. Now I
am a real actress. I act
with joy, with exaltation.
I am intoxicated by it and
feel that I am superb. I
have been walking and walking,
and thinking and thinking ever
since I have been here, and I
feel the strength of my spirit
growing in me every day.
Which, now that I've put these first few pages into format - are fair.
Not really a burning page turner. The self naveling drama of young adults and unremarkable careers holds no appeal to me.
However, if this were formatted properly in its entirety I and, more importantly, others would be able to provide MEANINGFUL review of the entire story and it's construct.
Construct being both story and presentation. Of course.
This could be good. Could be drivel.
You just gotta quit fighting "the man" and just format it for the appropriate audience.
You learned how to drive, following generally accepted driving rules. Same thing here. Learn generally accepted spec screenplay format rules.
Hope you get over your panty fit and circle back here when you're done having it.
These feelings you're having are "transition pains." Your mind is having a tortuous experience as it feverishly sees if it can or can't adopt a new way of looking at something. It genuinely hurts, like when your girlfriend dumps you or you get fired from your job. You're having to deal with a new reality. A perception transition. You might be able to survive it. Many don't. You gots what youze gots, man. GL!
Lo and behold, I see Adam out and about commenting on scipts....what more do you want from the guy?
Sheesh. Leave him be. Read his script, if you want. No need to drop any more comments simply for the sake of busting on the guy, and as he correctly points out, amusing yourselves.
Points have been made (and made again) all around.
Comments that are unrelated to the script will be deleted from this point forward. Fair warning.
Local student at the university sent me this review of the text. I really don't care what you guys think of my printing this, but it was just some guys review of the Happiness text after reading the whole thing. and, well, this guy is ESL, but as he is my student, he is compltent, which is, you know, my specialty.
The only thing I can say about this story – it’s great, really great. Honestly, this film script really made me feel like I was one of the heroes. Maybe, that’s why the story was connected with real life and I understood the situation very clearly. But I’m saying it not only because the action in this script took place in Pinsk. It was written very clearly and emotionally and especially in the end, the actions were changing (moving) from one to another very distinctly and logically. When I was reading the part where Fares was falling off the bridge, the image of the situation really appeared in front of my eyes. The description was really amazing and I was able to see a lot of details with the help of slow-mo. I saw Kolya screaming, Fares hopelessly looking at Kolya and the cops starting to run away. Then, when we moved to the hospital where Vadik was dying, there was also one of the best descriptions I’d ever seen. It was so emotional and natural that I really commiserated with Eva and Vadik’s parents. Actually, these actions were very well placed and this method of showing parallel actions one by one worked there really great. I’m saying it not because this script is yours and I think that this script was one of the best scripts I’ve ever read. There were a lot of descriptions in this story but these descriptions were very, very clear and lively. As I said, I liked two of the last actions connected with Vadik and Fares because they really immersed me in the story. I was reading it and I was watching it at the same time without any effort . Honestly, such a thing has happened to me only few times but this time, it had the strongest influence on me. It was one of the best scripts I’ve ever read and Adam, thanks a lot for such a great story.
Most of the comments people offer you are to help you out a little. Now I'm not gonna go jump in on some bandwagon, never been one to join in on that, what I am going to do is offer you a read.
Here's the thing though: Before I even start I just want to say at 172 pages this NEEDS to be trimmed down. I say this with respect. It's just TOO long.
You are leaving reviews on scripts, which is a good thing, this site doesn't work without people offering support to one another.
I'll read it over the weekend, take what I say how you will.
Okay Adam, as I said, I'd give it a read, sorry to say I only got 10 pages in but here's why:
This script could be trimmed down. For starters, you have Russian text overlapping English sections that is completely unrequired. Also during these, you write them as if they're meant to appear on-screen:
SUPERS. Use Supers to define what appears on-screen. You don't need elongated blocks of unrecognizable text to the uneducated bilingual reader. Merely add "NOTE - Text appears in Russian with English Subtitles" or something around those lines.
ADAM and MARGARITA, no ages to define them, their introductions lost in blocky text of 16 LINES that can easily be trimmed to 2 lines per 3 paragraphs rather than 16 per 1.
You don't need WE ROLL CREDITS nor WE SEE THIS in spec scripts. Those are reserved for shooting scripts only. Not a big thing, but certainly a thorn in your side here, which may turn off readers.
KEEP THE TITLE PAGE SIMPLE and to the point:
HAPPINESS by Adam Goodman
No need for symbols/logos/title forms or the such. Just a nice 12pt font with the title, your name and any copyright information. In the "based on" section just list the names, which you have in a way, but it takes up a lot of white.
PAGE NUMBERS:
You have "Happiness Page 1 of 172" and at the bottom you have "1". You only need the one page number, not two.
Quoted Text
The music startles both of them awake and their eyes open and they see each other. The man�s face smiles peacefully and happily at the girl. She looks at him with an unreadable poker face. He sees this and, after a thought, his expression changes to an expectant, hoping, questioning look. She continues to simply look at him, receiving his information, understanding his desires, but not reacting in any way. After a second, he realizes he is beat, and with a sigh of resignation, the face falls into despair. When she sees this, she quickly turns and gets out of bed; his eyes watching her body walk away.
This segment on the second page would lose even the most careful reader. As I, and others prior to me, have pointed out, your action lines are tremendously long and NEED to be trimmed down A LOT.
Taking in this segment and putting on my writer's cap for a second, I could easily trim this down:
Quoted Text
Music startles Adam and Maragarita who burst awake and gaze upon one another. After a beat of conscious adoring, Adam's face falls.
Margarita notices this and exits bed.
Not PERFECT, but it's more readable and less-blocky whilst delivering the same punch as your long action blocks.
TITLE CARD, no, it's SUPER: SPRING 2010. Keep that in mind when you want to have things appear on-screen for the viewer to witness.
Quoted Text
EVA is dancing a tango with A RATHER ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MAN. He is laughing at something as he turns and dips her, she is smiling wildly
Try to keep the "ings" to a minimum if at all possible, sometimes it's unavoidable and required, sometimes it's not. In the above segment, it's NOT.
To deliver the same paragraph without the "ings":
Quoted Text
Eva dances the tango with an ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MAN (20s). He laughs as he dips her while she smiles gleefully.
Again, not perfect, but reads better, smoother and delivers the same reward.
You could also do this for your next scene with FARES (and ADD ages/descriptions to your characters, something simple like "20, handsome" etc).
Quoted Text
The music of the tango restarts and joins in with the dialogue from the stage play as we..
This is unfilmable but I DO understand what you're going for. You don't need it here.
Quoted Text
EXT: MINSK. A BUSY BRIGHT MORNING.
Sluglines usually don't boast much description about the scene.
Quoted Text
EXT. MINSK - DAY Streets bustle with activity under a bright sun.
The below is also a problem--
Quoted Text
NINA (CONTINUES IN VO) I have changed now. Now I am a real actress. I act with joy, with exaltation, I am intoxicated by it, and feel that I am superb.
Change this by simple having it read:
Quoted Text
NINA (V.O.) I have changed now. Now I am a real actress. I act with joy, with exaltation, I am intoxicated by it and feel that I am superb.
Below scene description will also turn off producers and readers alike:
Quoted Text
INT. UNIVERSITY COFFEE SHOP Here we see ALEX waiting in line for a coffee. She is dressed in an army coat and a knit hat. Several other scruffy looking people are arguing about politics over coffee just in the background. She gets her coffee and goes to join the politicos
You name ALEX, but don't mention the character's sex right away. Anyone with an unpracticed eye/a skimmer would consider Alex as a DUDE. Again, ALEX (20s, army coat and knit hat, female). Always do this when using unisex names to avoid confusion to the reader.
This would read better as:
Quoted Text
INT. UNIVERSITY COFFEE SHOP - DAY Busy, SEVERAL PEOPLE argue politics over coffee around the joint.
ALEX (20s, knitted hat and army coat, female) waits in line.
Not telling you how to write, just explaining how it should look.
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I'd go into more detail about the remaining few that I read. Unfortunately, for a comedy, nothing funny happens in the first ten pages.
For the first ten pages, you could trim so much of this, Alex, that those opening 10 that I read could be cut down to a measly 2 pages at most.
You have too much detail that unfortunately distracts the eye and doesn't allow the reader to focus on the action or dialogue or even scenes.
When writing a scene, write it shot-for-shot of what should appear on camera. Not every action paragraph is filmable in one shot and needs to be split up.
----------------
I'm only saying this to help you craft a superior script. I've emailed producers, talked with other screenwriters (Dreamscale was immensely helpful to my ascension here) and I can safely say, that NO ONE could possibly read this without a magnifying glass.
Not being harsh, but you really need to tighten your writing. Cut out all the "WE SEES, WE HEARS, and WE SEE CHARACTERS DOING THIS.
The idea here is to deliver a visual story. NEVER read pro scripts for insight into the screenwriting craft, friend. Most of them are packed with things you just don't use for spec drafts. Most of them HAVE lengthy blocks of text. Don't follow that example.
You're a good writer, you are, but you seriously need to work on what you have here.
Sorry I never made it far, but in a comedy, I at least expect to laugh at something within the opening 10.
And what's the PLOT about? There was no hook in those opening ten pages. No characters I could relate to or even begin to understand because there were so many that had so little to do that they seemed unimportant to the story.
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Finishing up this comment, I just want to say that writing screenplays is a bitch. I've been doing this 2-3 years now and I'm still learning.
Take what people here say with a grain of salt, but also think about what they say in relation to your script.
They're just trying to help you hone your skills. Reality is, Adam, this needs work.
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