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Isn't That Neet? or (The Unexpected Virtue of Normality) by Kyle Hasegawa - Comedy - Fat, racist stay-at-home post-graduate slob gets the chance to lose his virginity upon getting a pill that makes him normal. But is being normal all it's cracked up to be? 92 pages - pdf, format
I got some specific questions that I received feedback from:
Is the script too sexist/racist? We all know it's important to have a sympathetic protagonist to want to see him push forward, but Nate's a shit person with few redeeming qualities. Do I / How do I make him more likeable?
Also, I felt some jokes are very derivative. For example, I recently watched Airplane for the first time, and there's that scene where the two black men talk in a heavy dialect. I do the same, but do I vary the idea enough it to be acceptable or should I scrap it? Essentially, which jokes feel stale?
I read 40 pages. Some of it's imaginative and fun. But I have no idea what point the spats of racism have. The f'ing Jew bit at the start just seems jammed in to establish he's anti-Semitic. But perhaps this is explained later. Otherwise you'd be better off cutting those very small bits out and changing logline to -
Fat social-outcast gets a chance to lose his virginity after taking a pill that makes him normal.
That premise would immediately make him more likeable - if that's what you want. Everyone likes an underdog.
Unfortunately, the racism does come into play. He's programmed with Jew hate because he's a cyborg built to exterminate Jews for the blacks.
You've made a comedy about exterminating the Jewish race and you're worried about making fun of a black conversation stereotype? You got one hard sell there buddy.
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Isn't That Neet?
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