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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Nobody's Perfect Moderators: bert
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  Author    Nobody's Perfect  (currently 1475 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2015, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nobody's Perfect by Rick McCormick - Comedy, Dramedy - After her dreams of being an Olympic gymnast are dashed, a teenager joins the family business and becomes a burglar. 103 pages - pdf, format


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GreenGecko
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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For your first scene, it's confusing having two undistinguished figures. Just introduce them (either simply as FIGURE1/2 – or maybe one's fat/tall), especially since you split them up.

Why "lots of moles?" It's so oddly specific. I assume it'll come up later (a lesson about looks?), but if it doesn't, I'd say take it out.

On page 4, you call Brenda "Jenny."

I ended around page 12. Your dialogue is uninteresting and too direct, making it come out bland. But more importantly, it's not funny. Comedies need to be funny quickly, and you barely have a joke in there.
Even if it's not funny, I don't find it very dramatic either. The birthmark ordeal is melodramatic. I think part of it is because of the dialogue ("when are you going to be comfortable in your own skin"). But maybe I'm just biased and not interested in the problems of a ten year old.

I'm interested in the story because the premise is funny, but it's taking too long to get to an enjoyable point.

As for your logline, I think you can expand it a bit. You don't hint at the conflict, which might get people more interested. I assume the conflict is about her looks and how "nobody's perfect" so you should hit on that in your log. And maybe how that all ties into the burglaring side of things.

Good luck!


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