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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Santa and the Pole Dancer Moderators: bert
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  Author    Santa and the Pole Dancer  (currently 2879 views)
Don
Posted: May 9th, 2015, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Santa and the Pole Dancer by Lee Miller - Comedy, Political Satire - When a pole dancer answers an ad on Craigslist, there is no way she can know the job is entertaining Santa’s workers. 95 pages - pdf, format


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GreenGecko
Posted: May 9th, 2015, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Pg1
Little bit of confusion early on. Your scene header is EXT. NY Exam Room, but it seems your scene is taking place inside. And under the same scene header, you say she exits the building, then we're on the subway, then we're back on the street again. That's 3/4 different locations.

You descriptions are wordy and are more prosey than for a film. You have to write visually. You tell us she's taking the bar exam, but what does that mean? You're using too many adjectives. "She's not panicked. She's not relaxed. She's diligent." I'm not saying adjectives are bad, but they're strengthened by visual cues, and it also doesn't read well to put them altogther like that. You want a strong image to begin your film, and taking an exam is more informative rather than compelling.

As for grammar, your use of conjuctions is weird. You say she's a beautiful young woman, and then you say "BUT she's taking her exams." " But's usually imply an opposite. At the end of that paragraph, you start a sentence is "And." When you're writing screenplays, grammar rules like these don't matter too much, but it's sort of odd that you don't just attach it to the sentence before. "She takes the paper to the facilitator and gives him a confident smile." It's also peculiar that you drop the subject and just say "takes the paper." That's okay to do in screenplays, but it's just so abrupt here and unnecessary. You can break grammar rules when it allows your screenplay to flow better; however, here it doesn't flow at all.

You say it's a typical strip club. I'm not sure what a typical strip club looks like; describe it. You don't introduce Tyron either. Remember to capitlize their name when you first introduce a character (you don't have to do it after that).

Pg 2
You say "It is humiliating to CANDI to have finished law school and yet still have to dance." Interal feelings like this should be used sparingly if at all. You should instead try to show it through action or dialogue.

Pg 3
Are Ronald, Thomas, and Augusto elves? If so, you should introduce them as such. Give them some personality.

I'd also describe Santa. I mean, we all know Santa, but it'd still help to introduce him.

Pg 11
The telephone call happens way too quick. Doesn't  Candi already have a job? And why is she so quick to accept a random job from craiglist that involves flying far away?

I have to stop there. It's gotten way too silly in an unacceptable way. I think the biggest problem is your dialogue. Everything is on the nose. It's too direct and lacks personality. Santa doesn't even feel like Santa except for the characteristic Ho Ho Ho.

There's also not a lot of jokes. Your situation is funny. It's funny that elves are on strike so Santa hires a pole dancer, but nothing really happens on Candi's end that's funny. So the premise is good, but I don't think it's enough.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Archangelsky
"nothing really happens on Candi's end"  But the script was not read. This reader. says I don't read the work.  I however, completed this script; reading all of it. English isn't my first language but clearly the Russian film makers are loyal to the artist enough to read their entire work. American have attention deficit disorders.  I can explain to someone to lazy to read it... Ronald, Thomas, and Augusto are elves who are fashioned on personality full Ronald Reagan, Thomas Jefferson and Augusto Pinochet. Strange man who wants personality but didn't read the script. What about Vladimir, Lyndon and Saul? The political education of the average American is very bad.   Another observation is that Santa has a little magic. It is the understanding of christmas in my culture that magical things happen. Perhaps the jaded Hollywood hot wind has ended this Santa magic?  Actors like instructions but you find fault.  "I don't think it is enough" What? The premise isn't enough? You don't know the premise when you didn't read it. This is why American movies are worse and worse, you hire 7th grade teachers to read scripts... I'm thinking anything good is passed by. I think this is genius. And I will not tell you any premise, you lazy silly man. Please find a job in a field outside of art and filmmaking.


Comedy gold.
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bert
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Comedy gold.


Now this time, Dustin, we are dealing with the author.

Welcome to the boards, Lee (Arkhangelskoye).

While Gecko (from Italy haha) did not read the entire screenplay, true enough, you have nevertheless been given some useful advice as to the mechanics of screenwriting.  The form of a screenplay is very specific -- in some ways -- and a quick glance at a few pages was also enough for me to determine that you have areas in need of improvement.

Read his notes again -- objectively -- and try to see what he is telling you.

On another note, you will find that even with the laziest of Americans here, a simple "Thank You" will earn your script far more looks than lashing out at your readers.

Cheers


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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GreenGecko
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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No, you're totally right Archangelsky. It isn't fair to evaluate a script as I did without reading all of it.

But what you said about American have attention deficit disorders and very bad political education is true. So I'm not sure where this stands on a marketable level. Especially to a producer, who will only read the first couple pages to decide if it's worth continuing. Having Santa automatically makes it a Christmas movie, which limits the appeal of the film. And having it be an adult political satire limits it even further. But none of that matters depending on what you plan to do with the script. If it's just here to sit around, well then it's much more impressive than I initially thought.  

That said, your writing is still very direct and prose-like. As your own script you can do as you like, but it's still something that's looked down upon.

You're right, I should take back what I said about the elves lacking personality. They do have personality. I still think you should describe them with some visual cues since they're so important. Or at least have them use each other's names. Because as it is, the audience doesn't learn the elves' names until much later on. Maybe that's what you want, I don't know.

Unfortunately I don't know too much about political history to read it. I write stupid movies about teenagers.


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DanC
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there,
     I'm gonna give your screenplay a shot.  
1.  There are all sorts of errors as far as screenwriting goes.  This isn't prose, short story or novels.  This is a screenplay.  ALL screenplays follow a simple rule:  Write what we need to see.  

For ex.
CLOSE — Expert fingers, female, and lovely, capable —
holding a writing pen, letters, words, arguments, facts put
on paper.
CANDI is a rather elegant and beautiful young woman, and
she is taking her bar exam. The exam is not a fashion show.
She is wearing her most comfortable clothes, and wears them
in layers. She has reasoned correctly that the air
conditioning may be blasting, or not working well. She is
prepared either way.
She doesn’t look panicked but she isn’t relaxed either. She
looks diligent. She finishes. Takes the paper to the
facilitator. And CANDI gives him a confident smile.


None of that is really needed.    The director can't direct that, the actor can't act that, and the cameraman can't show that.  So, why is it there?  Screenplays are tight, efficient creatures that don't get sidetracked.  1 page roughly is 1 min.  You only have so many pages to use.  

Furthermore, you only have at most 10 pages to lure someone in.  Those first 10 have to be near flawless.  I don't see that here, at all.

That opening scene should be condensed down to something like:
Candi (you don't even say what her age is)

CANDI (30), dressed comfortably, sighs as she closes her booklet.

She gets up and hands her paper to the PROFESSOR.

This entire paragraph doesn't even make sense:

CANDI is a rather elegant and beautiful young woman, and
she is taking her bar exam. The exam is not a fashion show.
She is wearing her most comfortable clothes, and wears them
in layers. She has reasoned correctly that the air
conditioning may be blasting, or not working well. She is
prepared either way.

How can anyone SHOW that?

Your elf names are umm, odd...

And what, do all the elves look alike?  They have no personality.  Every person you create has to have a life, has to have specific goals.  Why are they there?

You seriously have a 70 year old stripper, with a walker?

Why would Candi leave for the South Pole?  Would you?  Why is she so desperate to leave?

The dialog on page 13 is far too on the nose (OTN).  No depth at all.

Your descriptions for Dominique and Bambi go on for far too long.

This is totally wrong:  And you are barring from talking about what transpires today for all of time.    That doesn't make sense, at all.

Why don't the 2 other strippers understand that someone can be in law school?

You introduce the 2 women on page 13, but, don't describe them till page 18???

You know what they say about a people who assume right?  They make an ass out of u and me (get it, ass  u me  assume).  You never put the word assume in your description unless you are writing a mystery or a whodunit.  Which you aren't.  It's a bad idea.

You seem to have people randomly walking here and there, no real reason.  Where do they sleep?  So many odd choices here.

It really isn't that funny either.  I think I've laughed three times in 30 pages AKA 30 min.  Not good for a comedy.

And based on your 10 pages, I doubt anyone would get this far....

You say lethargic and morale is low 3 times on the same page, that's bad writing pg.32

Wait, didn't Candi say she couldn't act as a lawyer, but, now, on page 33 sure seems like she's a lawyer.

I'm up to page 44 and dude, this is pretty bad.  So many asides, so many contradictions, and, for a comedy, it really isn't funny.

And the girls aren't dancing, and there is no pole work being done by the strippers.  

I'm gonna try to finish this off, but, if it doesn't get better, I'm gonna have to bow out.

Actually, for now, I give up.  I might try to get back, but, there are serious problems with your script.  And if you really want this read and produced, i hope you will make the necessary changes without getting nasty.  All we want to do is help, not be snarky.

Speaking of Snarky, your characters have very little character in them.  They are tropes, not characters.  They aren't multidimensional in any way.  

Even if you look at politics, there are extreme right wingers who might be pro science, and extreme pro lefters who believe in God.  No one is one dimensional, not in this day and age.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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