My Mamma's Groom by Shashi - Drama - Reva thinks Colonel is a perfect match for her mother  while Sarah does't think her father needs another wife. - doc format.


Script removed by request.

Thanks Don. Yeah finally I have finished this script and please read and review it. Everyone's comments are welcome.

Synopsis - Reva is a 14-year old lass, finds Colonel Sanders as a perfect match for her widowed mother. But Colonel has a disturbed wife and a daughter 'Sarah'. Reva is too adamant to have Colonel anyway whereas Sarah does not want to trade her Father.

Ok, initial comments (though I am still reading, mind you) is that it's kind of hard to follow seeing as how English is not your primary language.  I mean, I get the gist of it, but it makes for a bit of a difficult read. 

Also, one thing I notice you do quite a bit is that you state what the audience cannot possibly know unless they are reading your script.  You can't do this, Todd. You have to show it once the action occurs.  For instance, they are going to a picnic.  The only way the audience will know is when you have Reva talk to Ladymom about it.  You just have to say she is packing a bag.  Show us exactly what is happening right that minute.  It's kind of hard to say beforehand that she's packing for a picnic that's "going to" occur.

I don't quite grasp all the camera angles.  Why are we zooming around the room when our primary focus is Reva?

But the hardest thing for me is the dialogue.  I don't quite get all of it.

Just my initial comments.  I shall read the rest and get back to you.

L 

That gives me one more reason to edit it. Looking forward for a full review though. I never thought English was that much a problem but i think you are right. So rewrite for me.

Thanks for sharing your script with us. I've read through the first 10 pages and I agree with the other poster...this scritp is hard to read and follow.    Unfortunetly you've made several critical errors common to most aspiring screenwirters.  The first...your action descriptions are simply too long and wordy, and secondly (the bigger problem)  you describe things that the audience could never see on a screen.  Inner monolouge, feelings, thoughts have no place in a screenplay. Simple rule of thumb - if you can't descibe it visually leave it out.

Below is a exerpt from your first page...and examples of the way to apply the suggestiosn I've written above....

You write...
-Reva does a groovy walk as she enters the huge room silently so that she can showoff her new attire but as she enters the room she finds her Mamma facing the opposite side, watching the photo frame of Mr. Walter. She is in forties standing alone like she is standing on the cliff watching ship miles away it. Soft music fades and we join the deep silence of the Lady lost in thoughts of her late husband.-

I would change this to...
REVA enters the room with swagger, eager to show off her new attire, only to find...

MAMMA , 40 yr old,  staring deeply into a photo of her late husband.

See how the new version tells us basically the same information in a much shorter, easier to read fashion.

I hope these comments help.

Definately those comments help mike. thanks a lot and I will be revising it.

Glad to help.  I would love to hear your comments on my script.  "fate of jenna" was just posted on the drama page.  Thanks.

Mike