this is one trippy ass story. i love the acid trip. it reminds me of when i was high...but i didn't kill anyone. my favorite part is when

Mud Boy say's "i just realized something."
Birdie "what"
Mud Boy "i left my motorcycle. Damn. i wish my motorcycle had been in the back of the truck.
Birdie "Can u go back and get it tomorrow?"
Mud Boy "Get what?
Birdie "Your motorcycle"
Mud Boy "i wish it had been in the back of the truck."

other than that i love the song about coming out that Birdie and Mud Boy sing.  Very representational. i've still got about 30 pages to go, but i'll be sure to let u know what else i think about this wickedly creative insane story.

i like the consistent use of "is it okay to come out now." i'm guessing it means more than to just appear after danger. it means more than Birdie admitting his sexual orientation. it means more than simply telling the truth or expressing one's feelings.

i like the small snipet of Rachel as a little girl.  You could go into more detail about what happened to her to make her afraid of being alone, and why she is wishes to longer exist.

Trevor and Julia play a small role that i believe can be omited.  true it's fun and exciting to read about death in a story, but in the beginning i didn't understand why i had to focus on them in the first place.

you have good symbolism for Birdie's parents, the bird and the cat. i like that.  the bird is shrill and the cat is dominating. that's very much so like Birdies parents. i just realized Birdie is like his father. that must be why you made his father a bird.

good story. it'd quite complex to make into a movie. u'd have to be the director more thatn likely.  i like where u've gone with it though.

one more thing. if i knew before hand that u didn't read first drafts i would have never rushed to submit my script.  i'm revising minute errors in it as u read this.

DAMN! i thought for sure Yellow Eyes or Rachel would die.  The way  u set up your scenes reminds me of the movie 'What Dreams May Come'. remember, it had Robin Williams in it. Your graphic detail of Yellow Eyes' tortured body made me want to look away, but there was nowhere to look. It was emblazened in my mind...good work.  i got one question for you...Is it safe to come out now?

Brandon,

Thank you for your comments. I’ll have to think about the Trevor and Julia removal. Others have mentioned that their presence, rather than having a grounding effect, had more of a hindering one. It would be difficult to remove them altogether because they operate as a sort of trigger for the characters’ reactions but possibly I could minimize their roles.

The remark about not reading first drafts is really aimed more toward proofreading. I’ve submitted a first draft to a director before because I was on a schedule but I just don’t see any reason why someone would submit a draft here that hasn’t even been proofread. If someone sent their un-proofread script to a coverage service, for example, they would just be throwing their money away. The reader would have so many format comments that the story would receive very little attention.

Not to mention how annoying it is for the reader to try and sift through poorly written material looking for the story. People who say it’s the story that matters are usually people who can’t spell. A serious writer knows that both the story and the ability to effectively communicate it are important. Saying spelling and grammar aren’t important is like saying the ability to read isn’t important for a reader.

Anyway, off my soapbox. I’m not as mean as I come off sometimes in my posts. I just think that a reader is entitled to the best effort that a writer has to offer. And who would have ever thought that the day would come when people who call themselves writers actually said that the skill of writing isn’t important? I just think that’s sad.

Thanks again for your comments. I’ll put your script on my list. Please be patient. My list is kind of long already.


Brea

Usually when I finish reading a script on this site, I'll jump on into reviewing it.

This script was different. Right after reading this script about a week ago, I took a warm shower and thought about it. Heck not a days gone by this week that I haven't thought about your script.

I wasn't confused about the ending (okay I was little at first), I just had so many things I wanted to say about it.

First of all I really enjoyed reading it. The acid portion of the script really has an authentic feeling to it. I don't want to acuse you of dropping it (I'm just guessing that's where you got this crazy idea for a script), but the dialogue really catches what a group of kids on drugs do act like.
Mad props for that.

A few minor things I had problems with:
DETECTIVE
Know what I’d like to do to
you? I’d like to take this
gun and shove it right in
your ass.

By saying THIS, the detective is referring to an object (a gun) that isn't visible in the scene. Again this is really minor but you could have him take out the gun or just say MY GUN.

In the beginning the Maintenance man says how "Trevor ought to do this himself." But why would he say that? Trevor on page 43 tells his wife that he used to have to run kids off when he worked maintanence. Doesn't seem to fit.

Singing with a drug dealer. I found it to be a stretch.
Drug deals usually arn't as sketchy as they used to. I know deals have been done in the middle of parking lots, but these days they're done more and more in public places.
Again REALLY MINOR problems.

Also you don't build on Mud Boy's introduction. Every other characters introduction has some signifigance later in the story: Birdie's parents, the psychiatrist, yellow eyes ( I think) But Mud Boy's really didn't fit. Maybe if he got pushed into the mud by his father. That introduction falls flat compared tot he others, if you don't build on it.

Seems like other posters noticed this too:Trevor and Julia. I can't give you any suggestions on how to change it. Part of my problem is that they were so developed early on, and in the second half they just die. They're conversations make no connection with the story, it just slows the pacing down.

I have no doubt that if you showed this to alot of independent studios, quite a few would dig it. The artistic possibilites are endless. A director whose big on visuals would be able to experiment with all kinds of filters and color schemes for the acid trips. It's kind of fun to imagine how this would turn out on screen.

Again really awesome job Breanne. I look foward to reading your future work.

Hey Tony,

Thanks for reading! And you make some excellent points. Some of them were things I hadn’t noticed and some were things I was on the fence about but no one had said anything until now so I assumed they were okay.

Quoted from thegardenstate89 …the detective is referring to an object (a gun) that isn't visible in the scene.

This is something I thought about but let go. Thanks for mentioning it. I’ll try and make it clearer.

Quoted from thegardenstate89 In the beginning the Maintenance man says how "Trevor ought to do this himself." But why would he say that?

Trevor is his boss. Trevor is a former maintenance man who has been promoted to a managerial position. This is why the maintenance man in the beginning is grumbling about his new young boss and why Trevor is discussing building a house for his family. He’s just received a big raise. I thought there was a part where it was established that he had been promoted but I’ll look for it during rewrites and make it clearer.

Quoted from thegardenstate89 Singing with a drug dealer. I found it to be a stretch. Drug deals usually arn't as sketchy as they used to. I know deals have been done in the middle of parking lots, but these days they're done more and more in public places.

Thanks for pointing this out to me. I did not envision this scene in an empty parking lot. I envisioned it in a sort of teen cruising spot, only early in the evening and teens just starting to come out. I didn’t describe the area. I made an assumption and it was a bad one. Thanks for letting me know.

Quoted from thegardenstate89 Every other characters introduction has some signifigance later in the story: Birdie's parents, the psychiatrist, yellow eyes ( I think) But Mud Boy's really didn't fit.

Mud Boy experienced the aliens. There were two of them, sort of warped versions of his parents, one speechless, sort of representing his mousy mother, and the other one warning him that it wasn’t safe (I know some people caught the talking backward alien dialogue). They were supposed to sort of represent his alienation with his parents. The mud sort of represented his repression, his hiding. But yeah, you’re right. He wasn’t as developed as the others.

Quoted from thegardenstate89 Trevor and Julia…Part of my problem is that they were so developed early on, and in the second half they just die. They're conversations make no connection with the story, it just slows the pacing down.

I guess I’m the only one who kind of liked Trevor and Julia. They were supposed to represent a young couple really getting their lives together. They loved each other. Trevor was doing well at work. Julia was pregnant. They were getting ready to build a house. They had everything going for them. And all just to fall victim to the deterioration of the other characters. They were supposed to be the price that was paid. But nobody liked them so what can I say? -- haha. What does that say about society? -- haha.

Again, thanks for the read and review Tony. It was very insightful and enormously helpful. I really appreciate it.


Brea

Quoted from greg It's on my to-do list...

Breanne, why exactly did you put my "to-do" thing in the comment section?  There were plenty of good thingies in my review!

Breanne,
Wow! One of the best written stories on the site. You write marvelously! You have some of the wittiest and best thought out dialogue. Like poetry.

So much I could say about this...Great work.

Joseph

Greg,

That whole post is just a parody of sorts of all the book-cover “review excerpt” posts that were catching on. I thought it would be fun and different and self deprecating at the same time. All the excerpts are taken out of context to their original posts and one of them is fabricated. If you would like, I’ll take it down. I didn’t mean anything by it. It was supposed to be funny.



Joseph,

Thank you kindly. I appreciate your comments. You made my day.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson That whole post is just a parody of sorts of all the book-cover "review excerpt" posts that were catching on. I thought it would be fun and different and self deprecating at the same time. All the excerpts are taken out of context to their original posts and one of them is fabricated. If you would like, I'll take it down. I didn't mean anything by it. It was supposed to be funny.

No no no!  I didn't mean to come out sounding like "OOH SHAME ON YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" It's just that us Sacramento folk have no sense of humor.  That's all.  It's cool with what you're doing

Bert recommended your script. Having read it, I'm left with little to say. Almost nothing. I'm speachless.  

:::thinking::::

Very interesting. It's obvious you put a lot of thought into this. It reminds me a bit of The Fountain -- a movie I could hardly sit though. The similarities lie in its scope and grandeur. It's an ambitious flick, like yours, employing symbolism, time/era jumps, etc. But it, imo, fails because, unlike yours, it lacks continuity. A discernable thread that holds all the various pieces together.

I may be wrong, but the thread, I think, is the pain and confusion that each of us -- some more than others -- experience. Life is difficult. We seek out answers, only to find more questions. Religion, we know, answers each mystery with an even greater mystery. While, at the same time, telling us that there are no mysteries. All have been answered! It's enough to drive one mad!

The script felt like a kind of infinite regress -- a look into the soul, the abyss. On an emotional level, it's terrifying. On another, deeper level, it's, I think, hopeful. The very act of looking, searching, engaging in the very thing that makes us human -- make us human.    

Perhaps, though, there wasn't a search, only a finding -- a realization, that, in the end, it's all bullshit. It reminded me of a line from  Thus Spoke Zarathustra, "What wilt thou do in the land of the sleepers?" The kids, even while suffering, are more awake (alive) than the healthy, the healers, the preachers, the so-called good people. Speaking of Nietzsche, it's interesting that, in the end, Mud Boy, Yellow Eyes and Birdy are all saved by a super hero, Rachel (I know she's dead, but that's my take and I'm stickin' with it!)

As for the script itself. It was well written. My only complaint, and it's a minor one, is that I think some of the hallucinations, being acid induced (not all of them were, I know) should have been more LSD like, more pattern-like. And there should've been more comments regarding color which is brilliant while trippin'.

Again, I may be off, but yours is the kind of story that, I think, allows for different interpretations.

Thanks for the interesting read,

Seth

Hi Seth,

Thanks for reading and thanks for listening to Bert. I’ve not seen, “The Fountain.” Yeah, this is my little homage to angst, I guess. It’s sort of about identity. It kind of crosses the way events shape a person with the concept of a shape-changer, a notion I’ve always been fascinated by. How does a shape-changer have any sense of identity? I hope that made sense.

It’s also a little bit about rage and torment. I really think of it as more of a tragedy. It’s part ‘growing up’ drama, part identity crises, and part fury/inner demon horror. It’s kind of like, “Little Red Riding Hood,” with the wolf as a tragic and tormented figure.

Well, you got me on the colors and such. I certainly envisioned this as a very surreal portrait. I guess I was hoping the director would find such things inferred with the overall tone. I’ll keep that in mind.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions, Seth.

And thank you too, Bert.

i just finished it (some spoilers i guess)...i'm in a rush now but i'd like to point out i liked the beginning with the cop crackin wise with the comatose patient tellin him "we got you surrounded, come out", i got a kick out of that.

the story about the torturing and the anguish people had to deal with having the spikes goin in and out of their asses was hilarious, keep that.

and about the black eye dialogue.....i didnt get the lie until half way into the conversation. i remember one time i got jumped by more than 4 dudes and all i came out with was a black eye myself (with an unnoticeable lump on my head), but its still good i liked it. yellow eyes cracked me up, he reminded me of this weird friend i got.

anyway good job.

What's the story?  Give it to me in one line because after reading fifteen pages I want to know what the story is about because I don't get it.  What does anybody want?  Even if it's cornflakes for breakfast, I don't care.

Quoted from mafiadom What's the story?  Give it to me in one line.....

Survey Says!!!


It's the logline.....read it.